To think my mum doesn't really care about seeing DC?

[XtraSpice]

When I got married a few years ago, I moved about 1 hour and 20 minutes away from my mum, dad, siblings etc.

Property prices aren't cheap, hence the move. But it's also a nicer area than the one I use to live in.

When I first had DC my mum was up every week to see us, without fail. Then it gradually just stopped completely.

I don't really see her at all anymore. We speak on the phone but 9/10 it's always me calling her. I tested this once and it was over 12 days before I heard anything from her. When we do speak on the phone it's often rushed with her making her excuses to go, because of the kids, etc etc. It's incredibly frustrated but I understand since it can't always be helped.

I've never really 'looked' at the situation before or stopped to question it, but I'm beginning to feel like my own mum isn't really fussed about seeing my little one

I've come over to my Nan's for a day and a bit for work related reasons. My mum was suppose to be having DC but then the evening before the work event cancelled on me more or less, as she 'just didn't know how she was going to park' and said she'd have to take a train. Then went on to say that she couldn't leave her dog since hers and my Nan's don't get on. She's also renovating the house so everything is everywhere etc, no flooring down downstairs.

She said she might've come last night when my Dad was home from work, as she'd get parking then etc. But she never did. My Nan lives 35/40 mins away by car from her.

I have to go this afternoon but I hoped she may pop down this morning. I'm hoping she will but I don't think it's going to happen.

I just feel a bit lost. We were extremely close once and in a way we still are because we get on like a house on fire when I do see her. But I'm beginning to realise I don't really have anyone from my family, really. Not 'properly' like so many friends of mine have. They can really rely on theirs.

A key factor in all this is that I don't drive. My family do. I'm currently learning so I'm hoping that gives me more freedom to see whoever I like, but my cynical side now thinks that'll all be one sided.

I know I may sound needy or whatever else but I've never asked for any help from anyone. I do absolutely everything on my own. I juggle keeping a house, working and looking after my DC, all without my own family for support. And that's fine, I've never really questioned it at all, but it would be nice to feel like people really want to see DC.

I was 19 when I had him, in a new town I didn't know. And nothing phased me. I've always been very happy. Never questioned it or wanted 'help'. Now DC is older now though, I do see how little we see of my own family.

Do you babysit her dc so she had have time off? You won't realise until you have another child but having more than one dc is often trying op. Tbh you are determined to portray her as a bad grandparent this comment alone says it all

I actively see other grandparents doing more, by the bucket load

But she isnt just a grandparent she is a parent to young dc. I think you need to lower you're expectations.

It could have been me writing this. My parents have never visited a single home I have lived in since moving out 10 years ago, even when one of them was 10 minutes away. I have no support and never hear from them unless I make first contact and go to their house with my children. It’s a sad situation and I find it hard to understand how you would push away adult children and grandchildren so easily. Remember it’s their loss nothing you or I have done wrong.
I think ice creams comment was out of line, just because she has young children she still has a grandchild to concentrate on as well why is he less important, priorities should be including him too, you don’t just give up being a parent when one of them becomes an adult and mother.
OP I would try and limit conversation, don’t chase her up just a quick text regularly along the lines of ‘how are you’ is fine, leave the ball in her court. When she realises you aren’t running after her she’ll either make more effort or less, it’ll stop the constant excuses and you’ll both know where you stand. I’d never make my child travel 3 hours when it only took me 1, surely even a half way meet is easy enough for her.

Henry sorry that first sentence didn't make sense, have her DC for what?

You seem to miss the point that my DC is her grandchild which is completely different to babysitting siblings

I'm not determined to make her sound bad at all but you seem to just completely ignore key elements of my OP

Dustar73 sorry can't highlight, everyone is concentrating on the travel aspect but what about when op plans to go and her mum cancels and she can't spare 5 minutes for a phone call. She has 3 young children but they're not babies and must go to bed at some point. She's putting no effort in whatsoever.

Hang on. Your DM had children aged 11, 10 and 5. Who's offering her support? Because she's got a lot more on her plate than you do on yours. You're full of pity for yourself but don't seem to be able to recognize that your DM is the one who's up to her eyes in it.

YADBU. I'm not surprised your DM is too busy to play the traditional DGM role

You were moaning about you're mother not being the perfect grandmother and how others do bucket loads more than she does. You also mentioned how she cancelled babysitting for you. I merely stated have you ever offered to babysit you're siblings to give her a break? Maybe if you did you might realise how busy she is.

Prawn My DGrandmother, ironically too, by the bucket load.

She was up there 5 days a week out of £

*out of 7 until very recently when her back gave way and she's now having to take rest very seriously.

But she was travelling up by train to help my mum with the kids otherwise. No particular reason, just to help.

My mum would often say things like 'I can't take these kids' and my Nan would feel guilt and go down there

Yes, but if your DM needs that much support with three small DC I'm not clear as to where she's going to have the spare capacity to help you with your DC, XtraSpice, particularly with all the traveling.

You were the one who decided to move so far away. Seeing less of your family was surely something you factored in when you made that decision. I'm sorry, I know you're hurt but I do think you're being unreasonable.

Also with having a 5 year old the baby/toddler years aren't very distant. For most grandparents a baby/toddler is a novelty, not so much when you've only had a baby 5 years ago yourself.

I get that this isn't great for your situation but I think your expectations aren't realistic. Costa tly being disappointed with unrealistic expectations isn't going to be good for your relationship.

You're expecting far too much of a woman with three young children to come to you so regularly. Easier for you to go to her on public transport than her to drive to you.

Bet you're grandmother didnt have her own little dc to look after. If you had waited and had dc later on in life then maybe you're dm would have been the grandmother you wanted her to be but at the moment she still has her young family to tend to. You choose to have dc, you have only now chosen to leave to drive, you choose to move away. I dont understand why you're blaming you're poor mother.

Snuggy But this is what I'm not understanding - How visiting your DC and Grandchild once a MONTH or so (with or without your own DC as they'd happily go or stay with my dad), is completely unreasonable?

Especially when I'm constantly trying to speak with her over the phone and get cut short, visit myself by public transport when it takes triple the time it would take her, and just get knocked back after knock back

I'm assuming she works as well. She probably doesn't have time and only has so much energy. Most mums of 3 kids don't have time for this sort of thing every month as they have their own households to manage.

And again a mum of a 5 year old probably won't have the same enthusiasm for a baby as grandparents who have gone 2 or 3 decades without small people in their lives. It's no good comparing her to other grandparents because this is an unconventional situation.

Snuggy I've mentioned more than once on this thread that she doesn't work.

And as for there being no 'novelty' for her because she has a 5 year old, is that all a young grandchild is then? A novelty

He was good enough novelty as a snuggly newborn though

Henrysnoopy that’s really harsh and unnecessary, her mother decided to have 3 more children putting her eldest to one side and then also her grandchild because she didn’t foresee 3 children would be hard work, if the roles were reversed would you ask the mother why she had 3 more and couldn’t just focus on the one she had? Surely it’s easier to stick 3 children in a car for one hour than drag a toddler on a 3 hour train journey.

She hasnt put her eldest aside she is married woman with a child. She has three dc which are more demanding. OP is the one who decides to move an hour and 20 minutes away of course contact would reduce.

Henry but contact hasn't reduced, it's pretty much non existent, through phone or otherwise

When you do visit what do you do?
Just wondering do you made her a cup of tea ,played with your siblings and child and chatted with her or do demand grandchild worship while she's in the middle of life.
If you do the latter I'd have excuses too.
Print out this thread and reread when you have 4children and see how it fits then.

In my experience there is an element of novelty with baby and toddlers. We don't have a high birth rate in the UK and most families go a decade or more without them at times so they are a novelty.

Is it fair? No but its life. Often the first child to have GC gets more of a reaction than the last child to have them. People only have so much enthusiasm and energy.

And again, in the real world most mums of 3 dependent children aren't off gallivanting and visiting people out of town on a regular basis.

When you do visit what do you do?
Just wondering do you made her a cup of tea ,played with your siblings and child and chatted with her or do demand grandchild worship while she's in the middle of life.
If you do the latter I'd have excuses too.
Print out this thread and reread when you have 4children and see how it fits then.

I...

Take the older two shopping/cinema (youngest doesn't want to go)
Bowling
Swimming

My mum is very much non engaged really and spends a lot of time on social media and playing phone games. I usually feel like I'm talking to a brick wall.

I have never expected her to 'take care' of DC whilst I'm there.

It's really awful when you feel like you've travelled a long bloody way and the person you've come to see doesn't really want to engage

“And on top of all that my dad is there twice a week”

So she’s parenting 3 young children by herself then?...

Fgs with a 5,10,11 year old I can imagine she is exhausted. Yabvu, surely as a mother with young children you understand this yourself?
As well as 1hr 20min slog each way with children in tow cant you understand that this may be very taxing and such a faff.
It's funny you mentioned that she doesnt work but only mentioned much further on the ages of your siblings - trying to make out that she doesnt work so has plenty of time yet she has 3 other children to see to. It must be a pain for her to keep coming to you given that you arent driving as well.
I dont think she is unreasonable at all.

I feel as if people are purposefully missing out key aspects to all of this, such as her cancelling on me travelling up to her, no answering her phone, answering and then saying she's busy and can't talk (every bloody time), not answering texts, phone always dead if you ring at a time she says she's free that day

I feel like I can never even get hold of her, let alone speak face to face

My mum is very much non engaged really and spends a lot of time on social media and playing phone games. I usually feel like I'm talking to a brick wall

Do you think she might be overwhelmed with being a single parent to 3 young children and possibly mildly depressed? Even the simplest chore or visit can take on mammoth proportions. It's the first thing I would think.