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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who should pay?

156 replies

Freespirit24 · 27/08/2019 22:12

Hi all, first of all, I posted this in chat yesterday with little footfall so now I am asking if I am being unreasonable. Please be gentle with me!

I am planning my husbands Birthday for next year. It is a big milestone and I have thought about different options for what to do and I am considering the option of booking a one night lodge stay and inviting my husbands best friends and their wives.

At the moment, nothing is booked just looking at ideas.

I am just really looking for some advice on etiquette on how to plan and organise a night away where you are inviting your friends as I have never done this before. I am not saying that I expect people to do what I want and I am not making any decisions already I am just wondering what the norm is in this situation.

So the plan is to book a 5 bedroom lodge for 1 night.

So four couples to invite of my husbands best friends and their wives.

The hotel said to me that normally when people book for special occasions that everyone will 'chip in' and pay there share Is this normal?

So please advice me! It is acceptable to invite each couple (in a very lovely invitation explaining everything).

Telling them the date at least 6 months in advance, giving them 6 weeks to RSVP and asking them to pay £185 per couple per room and £20 per child(only some couples have children) as a supplement.

So it is like £92.00 per person for a 5 Star lodge, swim spa, some rooms with terrace, access to the thermal suite in the hotel etc.

I would include all food and drink on the night and next morning for breakfast with lots of wine and prosecco etc

Is this okay or am I better paying the £990 for the lodge all by myself!

On one hand, I would love to pay for it all but I just think I am not forcing anyone to come, they have the option of saying no as I have like ten couples I can invite and only room for four couples due to space.

I also question how different this is to a hen weekend where everyone pays their own way for the brides weekend?

I did think of paying most but asking each couple for only £100 each.

I have not made any decisions yet and unsure whether I will even book this lodge but wanted some clarification on these issues first.

I think I am confused because, the few mumsnetters yesterday said no pay it myself but my friends said that it is crazy to pay it all myself but that I should understand that some people may not want to come.

What do you think? I generally do not want to insult anyone and thus why i am asking.

Thank you all in advance

OP posts:
Shakennotshook · 27/08/2019 22:15

I woudlnt expect people to pay. If you cant afford to pay do something you can afford like a meal.

Singlebutmarried · 27/08/2019 22:17

Ok. So if it’s a milestone I’d say no kids.

If just one night then most should be able to find child care.

Otherwise you’re running the gauntlet of unsettles kids any your idea of a relaxing night with friends is out the window.

If you can afford to I subsidise it and as for a contribution, I’d also do more than one night as you typically can’t check in til 3pm and need to be out by 10 am.

So that’s a lot of money for 17 hours.

Singlebutmarried · 27/08/2019 22:17

Bloody hell. I really can’t type tonight. Sorry

rookiemere · 27/08/2019 22:18

It sounds lovely and I wouldn't mind paying if invited, but I do have a fundamental distaste of issuing written RSVP invitations to something i'm paying for myself. The focus - if everyone is paying for themselves- should be more on a group of friends taking time to enjoy each others company rather than solely on the birthday.
Therefore I suggest you make it less formal and speak to some of your friends and see what they think.

Oh and paying half is pricey for you and makes it all a bit murky.

NoSauce · 27/08/2019 22:18

Whenever I’ve been invited to something like this the host has paid. They asked their friends to bring wine/food/meals.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/08/2019 22:20

I would expect to pay if doing the inviting. You can’t charge people to come to a birthday celebration you have planned and expect them to pay.

I’d not pay that much to celebrate a friends birthday.

IAmALazyArse · 27/08/2019 22:21

So it is like £92.00 per person for a 5 Star lodge, swim spa, some rooms with terrace, access to the thermal suite in the hotel etc.

Does the access really matter though considering it's just 1 night? So check in, enjoy birthday, sleep, check out.

C0untDucku1a · 27/08/2019 22:22

If you can afford it, pay.

If you can’t, give the cost.

KitKat1985 · 27/08/2019 22:22

I think that's a lot of money to ask people to pay, especially since they feel like they are going to have to pay for a birthday present on top etc.

Why not book a lovely meal in a hotel somewhere (you pay for the meal) instead. Mention that your and your DH will be staying the night at the hotel and leave it up to the invitees if they would like to stay the night as well at their own expense or drive home / get a taxi at the end of the night.

livingthegoodlife · 27/08/2019 22:24

I don't think you should expect people to pay to come for the pleasure bid celebrating your husband's birthday. Why not book a nice meal & pay the whole bill. It would probably be less...

Drogosnextwife · 27/08/2019 22:24

We have née asked to go away for dps friends 30th and it never crossed my mind that it would be a freebie. It won't be but I would expect to pay our share anyway.

TriciaH87 · 27/08/2019 22:26

I would suggest sending an email to the top 4 couple first just saying I am thinking of booking a lodge for..... On..... Overall the cost would be... and I would include food and drink. Just wanted to get an idea who would be up for this as his surprise. If not may be looking at a surprise party(cheaper than paying the full bill yourself I'm sure) let me know if interested by... so I can make a decision. Gives them the info without pressure and does not leave you to foot the bill

Drum2018 · 27/08/2019 22:30

I don't think I would go and definitley not if others were bringing kids. A 5-star lodge/spa really isn't a setting for kids imo. I certainly wouldn't bring mine. It's a lot to ask people to pay for a night away for a birthday, even a milestone one.

HeddaGarbled · 27/08/2019 22:30

It’s too expensive to ask guests to pay for, IMO.

TriciaH87 · 27/08/2019 22:30

Livingthegoodlife people expect guests to pay for drinks and a place to stay for there weddings how is a big birthday any different. Your celebrating for someone else either way. You buy a birthday gift you give a wedding present or cash, then you pay for drinks at the bar etc. Nothing wrong with expecting people to pay there way. At many birthday nights out for people have all chipped in for their own meal and towards that of birthday person. You appear to expect a lot free in life.

OP is right to think people will pay there way if they wish to attend no one is forcing them.

Original poster
Freespirit24 · 27/08/2019 22:30

Thanks all fo your feedback.

As its a milestone birthday, I wanted something more than a meal but even if it was that in my circle of friends we all pay our own way as we did the last time we celebrated an occasion.

It is not that I could not find the money to pay it all myself but alot of people are telling it is unreasonable to pay it all as even though its for my husbands birthday, they are getting a nice wee break.

OP posts:
Original poster
Freespirit24 · 27/08/2019 22:33

@Drum2018

I get what you are saying but in my culture and that of my friends, you include children and do not exclude them Whether I paid or not, people would be offended if I said they can't bring them and others who do not have kids yet will understand this.

OP posts:
Myshitisreal · 27/08/2019 22:34

In my world, people are happy to pay for themselves. I've no idea what income group would expect you to pay for all of this 😕. Just get agreement before booking, then everyone is clear and happy. Deposit etc upfront, don't pay it yourself.

And remember you can't please all the people all of the time. You know the people involved, no one here does

Tanfastic · 27/08/2019 22:38

I wouldn't ask anyone to pay, if I couldn't afford to myself I'd arrange something smaller that I could afford.

Personally, I'd pay for the accommodation and then say could we all chip in for food or bring your own alcohol etc. I think that's fair enough

SuzieQ10 · 27/08/2019 22:39

If I was hosting this I would feel uncomfortable asking guests to pay quite so much. I would subsidise say 50%. £100 per couple for 1 night seems more reasonable. People do fork out a lot to attend weddings, but weddings are a bit more special than milestone birthdays.

SweetNorthernRose · 27/08/2019 22:40

I have a milestone birthday coming up and have been considering something similar...a weekend (2 nights) in a self catering cottage somewhere for 10-15 people. I would love to be able to cover the whole cost for everybody but not possible so I set up a WhatsApp group inviting people and stating it would be around £100 per person (so £50 each for 2 nights and I would cover any additional cost for accommodation). Everyone I consider a close friend has been happy to go with it. The way I see it, if you went for a nice meal or night out they would be looking at spending £100+ each for food/drink/taxis for one night so comparatively it's no more than that. If they don't want to or can't afford it, fair enough. You're basically asking them for a night out for a one time special birthday so I don't see the problem.

Chupchup · 27/08/2019 22:41

For me that would be completely normal to chip in. However, it should definitely be child free and 2 nights would be better. Also that is far too expensive. I'm paying around 150 for a 2 night stay for 2 occasions in the coming months. One night does not give enough time to use the facilities which makes it seem expensive imo.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 27/08/2019 22:42

If you are well off enough to even consider paying for the lot why not supplement the cost and bring it down to £60/70 per couple or pay for each couple to have a spa treatment? Can it not be a weekend with you paying one night and couples pay for second night, why not book a holiday cottage for everyone - much cheaper?
Definitely no kids!!!! for just one night, mine would not sleep soundly in a hotel room and would be a annoying distraction

Leftiefterson · 27/08/2019 22:42

Op you sound so lovely. I’d definitely expect them to pay and think it’s really lovely you’ll be providing the food and alcohol that token in itself is very generous. Maybe as other posters have said try and see whether people would be amendable to coming and footing the bill before you go to the trouble of invitations etc.

returnofthecat · 27/08/2019 22:44

I agree with the previous poster that it's all about the framing.

"I'm thinking of doing X for OH's birthday, I reckon it would cost £Y to £Z per couple - would you be interested in attending if I could sort something out?"

If you ask in the above way, no one will resent you. If you make them RSVP to a jolly they have to fund themselves, some people will be unhappy.

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