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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who should pay?

156 replies

Freespirit24 · 27/08/2019 22:12

Hi all, first of all, I posted this in chat yesterday with little footfall so now I am asking if I am being unreasonable. Please be gentle with me!

I am planning my husbands Birthday for next year. It is a big milestone and I have thought about different options for what to do and I am considering the option of booking a one night lodge stay and inviting my husbands best friends and their wives.

At the moment, nothing is booked just looking at ideas.

I am just really looking for some advice on etiquette on how to plan and organise a night away where you are inviting your friends as I have never done this before. I am not saying that I expect people to do what I want and I am not making any decisions already I am just wondering what the norm is in this situation.

So the plan is to book a 5 bedroom lodge for 1 night.

So four couples to invite of my husbands best friends and their wives.

The hotel said to me that normally when people book for special occasions that everyone will 'chip in' and pay there share Is this normal?

So please advice me! It is acceptable to invite each couple (in a very lovely invitation explaining everything).

Telling them the date at least 6 months in advance, giving them 6 weeks to RSVP and asking them to pay £185 per couple per room and £20 per child(only some couples have children) as a supplement.

So it is like £92.00 per person for a 5 Star lodge, swim spa, some rooms with terrace, access to the thermal suite in the hotel etc.

I would include all food and drink on the night and next morning for breakfast with lots of wine and prosecco etc

Is this okay or am I better paying the £990 for the lodge all by myself!

On one hand, I would love to pay for it all but I just think I am not forcing anyone to come, they have the option of saying no as I have like ten couples I can invite and only room for four couples due to space.

I also question how different this is to a hen weekend where everyone pays their own way for the brides weekend?

I did think of paying most but asking each couple for only £100 each.

I have not made any decisions yet and unsure whether I will even book this lodge but wanted some clarification on these issues first.

I think I am confused because, the few mumsnetters yesterday said no pay it myself but my friends said that it is crazy to pay it all myself but that I should understand that some people may not want to come.

What do you think? I generally do not want to insult anyone and thus why i am asking.

Thank you all in advance

OP posts:

Mintlegs · 27/08/2019 22:45

I would go out for a meal instead. It’s a bit pricey for one night

rookiemere · 27/08/2019 22:48

Leftie if I agreed to go to something and pay for it myself, receiving an invite would make me change my mind. You can only invite people formally if you are paying.

If OP goes down the whatsapp garnering agreement route - which seems sensible- she can send out an email saying how great it is that everyone is coming and say that she is planning to provide a celebration dinner, but you cannot invite people to events they are paying for, or you can but you really really shouldn't.

Madhatterhouse · 27/08/2019 22:49

I have done similar things in the past and paid myself. It’s a nice gesture to treat friends on an occasion like that and I can afford it. I wouldn’t expect them to pay so much just to celebrate my birthday with me, if I couldn’t afford it I’d either take them for lunch or do something at home.

AllFourOfThem · 27/08/2019 22:50

If I was hosting this I would expect to pay. I also don’t think the couples with children will really benefit from it being a lovely spa break unless the children are old enough to probably prefer to not be with them.

However, you know your friends best and if you think asking them to pay will be well received and they will accept, then it’s fine to do so.

Original poster

Freespirit24 · 27/08/2019 22:51

@SweetNorthernRose

Thank you for your response, is the £100 all the cost of the cottage per couple or are you paying the rest? Where did you book?

To all the posters commenting on, kids and the fact its 1 night.

First, children are always to be included in my culture. The people coming are not originally British and it is normal to them to include children. I personally would love a childfree weekend but I can't disrespect my friends.

I went for the one night because I could only get 2 nights on mid week and that meant asking people to take time off work. It is a very popular place so most dates are already booked up sadly and all weekends with 2 days are gone.

I did look for alternatives but I cant find anywhere nice enough and also close enough to where we are that fits everyone. Cheaper lodges in other hotels only has 3 bedrooms at most.

I kinda think I wanna book it and see how much I can pay myself and then ask others to pay the remaining balance i.e. £100 per couple but I haven't decided as yet but finding everyones comments very interesting.

OP posts:

elasticfantastic · 27/08/2019 22:53

As per pp I think it's fine to ask people to pay.. but one night if you can't check in until the afternoon and have to be out in the morning there isn't much point, you may as well go for a nice meal somewhere. You need to probably do the Friday and Saturday night so people can arrive Friday evening and at least have the full day of the Saturday there.

LeithWalk · 27/08/2019 22:55

Depends on arrangements.
So to friends...
"Should we get together and go away to celebrate said birthday" - couples agree, you all decide what to do, where to go and shared cost implications. Group decision is made that suits everyone (or doesn't and it doesn't happen)

"I am inviting you to celebrate said birthday on given date, at my chosen venue" then you are doing the inviting, you have made all of the decisions and you pay. ( guests might like to bring some treats.)

I think it is really unfair to expect everyone else to foot the bill to celebrate one persons birthday (why would you?)...
except for if that is the done thing for every birthday amongst your ten couples. ( have you paid/will you pay a £100 each for a night away to celebrate every one of your 20 other friends' birthdays?)

bamboocat · 27/08/2019 22:58

Which milestone birthday is it?

BackforGood · 27/08/2019 22:59

I suppose to some extent it would depend on the demograph of your dh's friends.

Personally, the idea of spending £185 for us to sleep in a hotel for a night just doesn't appeal at all.
Now we are older (presumably older than you and your friends, if you are even considering people bringing kids with them), we are better off than we were when the dc were younger, and do have that sort of money in the bank but I have it in the bank because it wouldn't occur to me in a month of Sundays to spend £92pp on a hotel for a night.
I'm aware from lots of other threads that there are people who regularly think nothing of going to a hotel for a night, but it just doesn't cross my radar and I don't think I could justify it to myself, so we probably wouldn't go.

I think if a group of friends all get together and say 'anyone fancy doing X/Y/Z, it will cost about £X each?', then that's fine as everyone is in or out at the start and no-one feels any pressure to go. When you are invited to something that someone else has arranged, it can get more awkward to say you don't want to go. I think you should host something you can afford for his birthday (a meal out, or a party), and then (presuming many of your friends are similar age) bring into conversation how nice it would be for a few of the couples to go away for the weekend to all celebrate turning 50 (?40?60?) and guage what people think. At that point, as you are all jointly celebrating, everyone is on an even footing and can say more openly what sort of money they'd be happy spending.

AlexaAmbidextra · 27/08/2019 22:59

they are getting a nice wee break.

Not wishing to be unkind but I don’t consider one night in a hotel ‘a nice wee break’. I would do as someone suggested upthread. Book dinner there for yourselves and the four couples and consider picking up the entire bill. Book for you and DH to stay the night, give the others the details and let them decide whether to stay or go home. I wouldn’t invite any children to the dinner though.

Original poster

Freespirit24 · 27/08/2019 22:59

Can I ask another question?

Would you attend for a 2-night break mid-week if the host paid? This is another option of mid-week.

OP posts:

RosesAndRaindrops · 27/08/2019 22:59

It sounds lovely, but that's a lot to expect people to pay for a birthday get together.
I mean, if I was your friend, I'd love to come but simply wouldn't be able to find it spare to come!
So maybe a few of your friends could feel the same.
I think if you do something for a birthday, then you do something you can afford to pay for everyone whether it's a party or whatever.
If you want people to attend a birthday, I think it should be paid for.
If you want a holiday, fair enough but if you're going to want friends there and pay for it don't expect them all to be able to come.

AlexaAmbidextra · 27/08/2019 23:00

Would you attend for a 2-night break mid-week if the host paid?

Only if the birthday boy and you were very dear friends and I had enough annual leave.

amicissimma · 27/08/2019 23:00

If they're really good friends could you not contact the 4 closest couples, tell them it's your Dh's milestone birthday and you'd like to celebrate it in some way with your/his special friends?

Then go on to say that you'd thought of maybe [this lodge idea] but that would involve everybody chipping in with [£] and perhaps asking people to pay that wouldn't be appropriate. What do they think? Can they suggest something that everyone would like?

wheretonow123 · 27/08/2019 23:02

Your idea, you are inviting them so you pay. As said above the other couples will have to get presents (whether you say they dont need to or not)

You are planning this lovely lodge for his birthday, I think its unreasonable to expect others to pay for it.

If you cant afford it then plan something that you can afford.

DoomsdayCult · 27/08/2019 23:03

Here is what I would do.
I would invite everyone to an evening meal at the lodge to celebrate.
Then say you are spending the night there and if anyone also wanted to spend the night there, you have negotiated a group discount such that it is only £185 for a room.
That way people have the option to stay overnight or not. And they would only have to commit based on the lodges cancellation policy. That way you are not booking rooms that end up not being used and the hotel asking you to pay for them.

DonttouchthatLarry · 27/08/2019 23:03

10 of us are going away for 3 nights next year for my 50th - everyone is paying for their own accommodation but I'll pay for a meal for us all one night (as I would if we'd gone out at home) and a lunch or breakfast. It's only £85 per person for the weekend though so they're all quite happy with that.

DoomsdayCult · 27/08/2019 23:04

I wasn’t clear- the friends would have to call and book a room themselves and just say they are with ___ party to get the room rate.

FlamedToACrisp · 27/08/2019 23:04

What is your plan if fewer than 5 couples are coming? Would you pay for the empty room(s) yourself or expect each couple to pay more?

Personally, I wouldn't dream of expecting my guests to supplement my grand entertainment plans if I couldn't afford to treat them (including wedding/hen celebrations), but I know from previous threads that my attitude is old-fashioned and a minority view.

Also, if there are about 10 couples you would consider inviting, why not plan something they can all go to? Won't they be offended not to make the cut?

gilliansgardenbench · 27/08/2019 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GigiIdid · 27/08/2019 23:06

Sounds like heaven to me! If I was invited I would be happy to pay my share, especially as it’s to celebrate a milestone birthday.
I would prefer one weekend night than a two day midweek break due to work and child activities.

As the host it would be nice for you to provide food and drinks and for the couples to have some “free time” to explore before the celebrations.

Chickenwing · 27/08/2019 23:06

Have to go against the grain here. I attended a 30th birthday weekend at a lodge and each couple paid their own way. If they dont want to pay they dont have to go along!

BackforGood · 27/08/2019 23:08

Would you attend for a 2-night break mid-week if the host paid?

That's really going to depend on how much annual leave people have, Returning to the fact you say people will be bringing dc wth them, suggests that most people would need to save their AL for school holiday cover. That's before we get into the fact of dc taking time off school.

I think as a pp implied, if you invited people to a birthday meal at said place, and included in the information that you would be staying over, and there was a spa etc and that you would be very happy if others wanted to as well, and included the details if they wanted to book themselves, then that could work. In effect, you are inviting them to a meal and letting them know there are 'add on' options if they wanted to join you, but there would then be no pressure to.

Milsplus3 · 27/08/2019 23:09

Would you consider booking it just for yourself and husband and finding something else to include the friends in? It sounds lovely to me, but many people might struggle with the costs and feel ashamed in admitting it or feel like they can’t come do something more reasonably priced would be better if you aren’t funding it all.

Original poster

Freespirit24 · 27/08/2019 23:11

@Chickenwing

Can I ask what you paid for 2 nights if you do not mind me asking?

OP posts:

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