Who should pay?

[Freespirit24]

Hi all, first of all, I posted this in chat yesterday with little footfall so now I am asking if I am being unreasonable. Please be gentle with me!

I am planning my husbands Birthday for next year. It is a big milestone and I have thought about different options for what to do and I am considering the option of booking a one night lodge stay and inviting my husbands best friends and their wives.

At the moment, nothing is booked just looking at ideas.

I am just really looking for some advice on etiquette on how to plan and organise a night away where you are inviting your friends as I have never done this before. I am not saying that I expect people to do what I want and I am not making any decisions already I am just wondering what the norm is in this situation.

So the plan is to book a 5 bedroom lodge for 1 night.

So four couples to invite of my husbands best friends and their wives.

The hotel said to me that normally when people book for special occasions that everyone will 'chip in' and pay there share Is this normal?

So please advice me! It is acceptable to invite each couple (in a very lovely invitation explaining everything).

Telling them the date at least 6 months in advance, giving them 6 weeks to RSVP and asking them to pay £185 per couple per room and £20 per child(only some couples have children) as a supplement.

So it is like £92.00 per person for a 5 Star lodge, swim spa, some rooms with terrace, access to the thermal suite in the hotel etc.

I would include all food and drink on the night and next morning for breakfast with lots of wine and prosecco etc

Is this okay or am I better paying the £990 for the lodge all by myself!

On one hand, I would love to pay for it all but I just think I am not forcing anyone to come, they have the option of saying no as I have like ten couples I can invite and only room for four couples due to space.

I also question how different this is to a hen weekend where everyone pays their own way for the brides weekend?

I did think of paying most but asking each couple for only £100 each.

I have not made any decisions yet and unsure whether I will even book this lodge but wanted some clarification on these issues first.

I think I am confused because, the few mumsnetters yesterday said no pay it myself but my friends said that it is crazy to pay it all myself but that I should understand that some people may not want to come.

What do you think? I generally do not want to insult anyone and thus why i am asking.

Thank you all in advance

I would definitely expect to pay for myself in this situation. That being said, I wouldn't go to this unless it was a really close friend. Usually I'd expect big overnight things to be for a wedding. I've not done one just for someone's birthday before.

"Factoring in a birthday present and travel, you're asking friends to pay £200+ for the privilege of giving your husband a nice birthday. I don't think that's okay."

She's inviting them. She's not saying they have to go.

Personally, I wouldn't go, but that's because I hate overnight trips with anyone except my husband. Many people have the money and would enjoy it.

If you can afford to pay then just pay. If the money isn’t an issue then you seem to be over thinking this.

However, as someone else said, 3pm until 10am isn’t much time (assuming those are the check-in/check-out times. It won’t give you much time to decorate or cook if you’re planning either of those things. Could you get outside catering? Can the hotel supply catering?

I mean I don't know how comfortably off you and your friends are. But for me for example for myself and my DH and 2 kids to come would be £225, plus travel, plus present, so probably nearly £300 in total for 1 night away for your DH's birthday. Honestly I wouldn't be happy to pay that for a friend's birthday. That's probably more than I spend on my own DH's birthday!

I did something similar with my friends for my 40th. It was a place DH and I had been to before and loved (and had told them about many times before). They were all happy to pay (think it was around £100pp) and that covered 3 nights but most left after 2 as they had to be back for work. Those with kids brought them at no charge and DH sorted and paid for the food for the weekend. We had a lovely time and my friends now love the place as much as we do and want to go back independently.

Factoring in a birthday present and travel, you're asking friends to pay £200+ for the privilege of giving your husband a nice birthday. I don't think that's okay.

Lots of people would be more than happy to be asked to do that.

I would be, if it were a good friend.

More than happy to be asked.

I'm my circle of friends everyone would pay for themselves. Nobody would expect a free night away.
However, I would expect something like this to be child free and it is very expensive for one night.

For DH’s 30th, I threw him a surprise party at a great venue - I paid for it myself but guests had to pay for their own drinks (there was a minimum spend on the bar so I would have had to cover any shortfall).

For my 30th we went to NY and DH invited two couples - everyone paid their own way. But then obviously he wasn’t going to be able to pay for six flights and three hotel rooms in New York.

If I were invited to something like this, I’d expect to have to pay for accommodation - if I couldn’t afford it and didn’t want to go I just wouldn’t.

And I’m surprised by people saying it’s expensive. Under £200 a couple isn’t expensive for a night somewhere high end.

I wouldn’t go as we have twin toddlers and I would be worried about them ruining everyone else’s fun. If someone asked us to something like this without the kids, I’d try to sort something but probably wouldn’t be able to.

I organised exactly the same for a 40th

Everyone shares cost of accommodation for 2 nights.

But I paid for a chef to come and cook dinner one night, plus I paid for all the food.
On the other night we went out for dinner and everyone split cost.

As for 10am departure!!!
That will spoil the experience
Lovely waking up and having relaxed breakfast and potter and chat with friends
Negotiate midday

If you have a list of 10 couples that you consider close enough to invite, how are you deciding who is at the top of the list? How are those who don't get invited going to feel when they find out about it? how will they feel if they work out that they were choice number 7?
Are we going to have another thread on MN where somebody realises they weren't invited to a close friend's celebration weekend and therefore aren't as close friends as they thought?

Course everyone would pay! Me and my friends do stuff like this several times a year, sometimes for milestones or events and sometimes just for. We all always just chip in, even better if someone has already found the accommodation and we don't have to faff with a thousand messages deciding where to stay!.
Sounds like a lovely time. If they're your friends remember they will be happy to come! Not hopefully, looking for things to moan about!

I wouldn’t do two days mid week for a wedding let alone an adults birthday party. The children would likely be at school, it would be two days annual leave not to mention the costs.

£200 for accommodation, then travel, a gift etc is going to be way more than some spend on their own partners birthday let alone a friend.

I’d offer to cover half and then ask them to split the rest

I would be happy to pay for myself and family for such a lovely event that everyone benefits from.

Although - If I was invited to something like this I would expect to pay my way and wouldn’t feel comfortable with someone else paying for me

She's inviting them. She's not saying they have to go.

That's why I said "asking."

This is fairly standard in my social group. No one would mind.

I did a weekend away with guests for my birthday and paid for it myself. It never occurred to me to ask guests to pay, if they pay they aren't guests really.

Depends on your circle. We've always split stuff like this and would expect to split it. I wouldn't go if you paid.

I think on reflection it would be better to invite friends to a meal or have caterers in at home or hire out a hall. That way all 10 couples and their DCs can attend and you can pay for it all without it being as expensive as the lodge. Then you and DH spend a night at the lovely hotel and if you want to invite friends to book a room as well at the same time - well no pressure on anyone and no invite faux pas.

The hotel wants to sell their lodge, so of course they will suggest ways of making it work.

However this is based on what I think is best based on UK cultural norms. The fact you've mentioned that DCs are always invited in your culture suggests that the advice we are giving could be completely non relevant as your cultural norm would be different. But I still think the above suggestion will be less stressful and more enjoyable for you.

That's why I said "asking

So what, it's not ok to even ask people stuff now in case they are offended by it?

What world do you live in? If they're not interested, they can just say no.

If you set up an electronic method of payment so people have to do as little as possible then they are more likely to pay.

The harder you make it to pay, the harder it will be to get money.

@freespirit24 I haven't booked anywhere yet but have seen plenty of self catering cottages for 10+ people that come in at around the £100 per person mark for 2 nights (NW england/N wales), although that obviously depends on the time of year. I would pay any difference if it cost any more than that and am intending to supply food and drink.
I think my point was, as others have said, that I floated the idea with my friends first, letting them know the likely cost and asking if they would be willing to come on that basis.