Who should pay?

[Freespirit24]

Hi all, first of all, I posted this in chat yesterday with little footfall so now I am asking if I am being unreasonable. Please be gentle with me!

I am planning my husbands Birthday for next year. It is a big milestone and I have thought about different options for what to do and I am considering the option of booking a one night lodge stay and inviting my husbands best friends and their wives.

At the moment, nothing is booked just looking at ideas.

I am just really looking for some advice on etiquette on how to plan and organise a night away where you are inviting your friends as I have never done this before. I am not saying that I expect people to do what I want and I am not making any decisions already I am just wondering what the norm is in this situation.

So the plan is to book a 5 bedroom lodge for 1 night.

So four couples to invite of my husbands best friends and their wives.

The hotel said to me that normally when people book for special occasions that everyone will 'chip in' and pay there share Is this normal?

So please advice me! It is acceptable to invite each couple (in a very lovely invitation explaining everything).

Telling them the date at least 6 months in advance, giving them 6 weeks to RSVP and asking them to pay £185 per couple per room and £20 per child(only some couples have children) as a supplement.

So it is like £92.00 per person for a 5 Star lodge, swim spa, some rooms with terrace, access to the thermal suite in the hotel etc.

I would include all food and drink on the night and next morning for breakfast with lots of wine and prosecco etc

Is this okay or am I better paying the £990 for the lodge all by myself!

On one hand, I would love to pay for it all but I just think I am not forcing anyone to come, they have the option of saying no as I have like ten couples I can invite and only room for four couples due to space.

I also question how different this is to a hen weekend where everyone pays their own way for the brides weekend?

I did think of paying most but asking each couple for only £100 each.

I have not made any decisions yet and unsure whether I will even book this lodge but wanted some clarification on these issues first.

I think I am confused because, the few mumsnetters yesterday said no pay it myself but my friends said that it is crazy to pay it all myself but that I should understand that some people may not want to come.

What do you think? I generally do not want to insult anyone and thus why i am asking.

Thank you all in advance

It depends on the group of friends. Some groups are doing these celebrations all the time. Other friends would run a mile.

Yes, there are loads of hen/stag do’s spending money on holidays. But, there appears to be a high cancellation rate. Leaving the people left to pay higher costs.

Surely you just make a chat group and add the people you want to come along... and do a general
‘hey, what do you all think about going here for DHs bday? Looks great and is only £100 each? Let me know if you fancy it?’
This is what our friends all do... we often go places for birthdays and all pay for ourselves.

I would happily contribute although I wouldn't;t expect to if that makes sense? It wouldn't bother me being asked by my expectation would be that the host would pay.

I also think 1 night away isn't really a break. If I was spending 1 night in a hotel, then it would usually be because it was convenient to do so after attending an event. I think you need to look at 2 nights.

The problem with a spa stay is that you're also including children and (unless they're teenage) this may well restrict the adults as not all spas allow children or if they do then many of the facilities, steam, sauna, jacuzzi will not be suitable for children.

I think you're doing a lovely thing, but need a bit of a rethink about the venue in all honesty.

I’d be happy to pay my share if it was a close friend. I wouldn’t go anywhere for 1 night though. Too expensive, and too much faff to pack etc for 1 night away. I wouldn’t go midweek and take time off work though.

Basically, I’d think it was fine if you’d invited me, and expected me to pay. But I wouldn’t come

What part of the country are you looking at if you don't mind saying? You may find that somebody on her knows of a venue that you may not have considered?

If I was invited to this, I would expect to pay.

If my best friend's husband asked if I'd like to come on a break for her 30th next year, I would happily pay the money for DP and DS, as I'd have the pleasure of a break away and celebrating my friend's special birthday.

I agree with a previous poster who said they have no idea what income group would expect this to be paid for for them.

If I didn't want to pay it, I'd politely decline and thank them for the offer.

I would not be even slightly offended at having to pay for myself.

Is the place you’re going special in some way to you personally?

I’d try to find something on air BNB for in a lovely location, 2 nights somewhere you can go walking, visiting village pub etc and a nice meal.

It seems a lot for 1 night and I wouldn’t care about spa etc facilities, I’d rather be cosy in a cottage enjoying my friends company.

If I was hosting I’d pay, but ironically if a friend invited me, I’d also be happy to pay my share.

I wouldn’t include children and I don’t think it’s ok to invite people to something and ask them to pay. Yes they’re getting a night away but it’s not a night of their choosing if you see what I mean?!

I have looked for an air bnb but everything i am finding does not have enough bedrooms and does not look that nice.

We are located in Scotland and the place I like is an hours drive away. It has to be somewhere close by I think.

@justjuggling

Like I have said for the third time, children are not excluded in my culture!

Open a what's app group and say that you are thinking of doing x on x date. It'll cost x but you would be happy to pay x so would anybody be interested?

I would not mind paying. I think you sound lovely to consider paying for everyone. If yo u pay for the lodge and the food and drink it will be very pricey.

I'd talk to everyone informally first.

I also agree kids coming will be a bad idea, it will dominate the event.

Two nights better than one too, if the lodge not too pricey.

Also, when doing your sums on this work out how you will pay for it all if anyone drops out or can't come etc. If people are paying then it does need to be non-returnable fee/deposit etc.

Good luck.

Freespirit24 ah OK, you can't exclude kids. Well if not, fair enough.

I honestly don't get 'milestone' birthdays. It's just another day! You're an adult.

I wouldn't go on this. Too much faff for one night, too expensive, kids about, nope.

I think it's cheeky to consider it a 'wee break' when you're asking people to stump up for someone's birthday.

It's hardly cheeky if people have the option of not coming, it's just a nice thing to do and for anyone who thinks it is a faff, will not come.

I think it's fine either way, OP.

If you can afford to pay, that would be lovely and very generous.

If you can't afford to pay (or would rather not) then tell them clearly upfront what it will cost and accept it graciously if they choose not to attend.

FWIW, I don't understand all the comments about not inviting the kids. There is nothing wrong with including children in social occasions!

Yeah, but thinking you're doing someone a bloody favour giving them a 'wee break' to stump up for a birthday is a cheek, IMO.

@Freespirit24

Sorry, thought you we’re asking what we would do! Totally understand that you don’t want to do that, was just saying that’s what I’d do!

Not sure children and spa breaks are a good mix though. Sometimes there are designated times for children to use the pool but otherwise they’re generally not allowed to access any facilities.

Hope you have a fab time whatever you choose to do!

How is offering someone the chance to go away with friends cheeky? No one has to come. The OP is organising it and paying for a lot of it. So it is a favour, sounds lovely. I would love someone to do this for my birthday.

When I turned 50 i didn't subsidies anything!

my relative did something like this last year, he hired a big country house with 14 bedrooms for 2 nights, told all the people he wanted to come on a group whatsapp, they all paid £100 per person and he paid the rest, the house was something like £1000 per night.
They got an outside caterer to come in on his wife's birthday and make/serve dinner, it was around £60 per head and he asked everyone to pay half.
Everyone brought drinks/snacks.
He brought tons on breakfast stuff, lunch at the local pub, take away the other night, it was brilliant and everone happy to pay.

It's £90 odd for one night and you need to bring a gift, too. It's not a 'wee break' it's paying a load because it's someone's birthday.

@Italiangreyhound

Its okay I would rather child free but asking people to pay is better than telling them their children cannot come! I know my friends lol!

I am so stressed, a night out might be better just wanted something different. I just realised for the mid week, one family will at least have children in school

If the group came up with the idea, I would expect to pay. If you invited us to come to your DH’s celebration I would assume you were paying - but would expect to pay for food/drink/transport etc. I would prefer it was an adult only thing, and absolutely couldn’t go midweek unless it was outside term time.

@justjuggling

The lodge has its own spa pool that's huge! I think that's nice enough even without going up to the hotel.

Dont let us strangers on the net dishearten you @Freespirit24 ... stick with the plan, just decide how youre going to get it paid.

I would love a friend as thoughtful & celebratory as you