Who should pay?

[Freespirit24]

Hi all, first of all, I posted this in chat yesterday with little footfall so now I am asking if I am being unreasonable. Please be gentle with me!

I am planning my husbands Birthday for next year. It is a big milestone and I have thought about different options for what to do and I am considering the option of booking a one night lodge stay and inviting my husbands best friends and their wives.

At the moment, nothing is booked just looking at ideas.

I am just really looking for some advice on etiquette on how to plan and organise a night away where you are inviting your friends as I have never done this before. I am not saying that I expect people to do what I want and I am not making any decisions already I am just wondering what the norm is in this situation.

So the plan is to book a 5 bedroom lodge for 1 night.

So four couples to invite of my husbands best friends and their wives.

The hotel said to me that normally when people book for special occasions that everyone will 'chip in' and pay there share Is this normal?

So please advice me! It is acceptable to invite each couple (in a very lovely invitation explaining everything).

Telling them the date at least 6 months in advance, giving them 6 weeks to RSVP and asking them to pay £185 per couple per room and £20 per child(only some couples have children) as a supplement.

So it is like £92.00 per person for a 5 Star lodge, swim spa, some rooms with terrace, access to the thermal suite in the hotel etc.

I would include all food and drink on the night and next morning for breakfast with lots of wine and prosecco etc

Is this okay or am I better paying the £990 for the lodge all by myself!

On one hand, I would love to pay for it all but I just think I am not forcing anyone to come, they have the option of saying no as I have like ten couples I can invite and only room for four couples due to space.

I also question how different this is to a hen weekend where everyone pays their own way for the brides weekend?

I did think of paying most but asking each couple for only £100 each.

I have not made any decisions yet and unsure whether I will even book this lodge but wanted some clarification on these issues first.

I think I am confused because, the few mumsnetters yesterday said no pay it myself but my friends said that it is crazy to pay it all myself but that I should understand that some people may not want to come.

What do you think? I generally do not want to insult anyone and thus why i am asking.

Thank you all in advance

I’ve RTFT - my thoughts:

1. I’d have no problem contributing to my stay if invited but I’d wait to be given all the costings before I went.

1. It’s a lot of money for a night.

1. I wouldn’t charge a supplement for children - just include them if you want them.

1. How old are the children? Mine are 6yo and 18m - no one to have them both overnight, an utter car-wreck taking them so I’d not go, especially not for one night only.

1. Midweek 2-nights - same as above with childcare but also issues with school and annual leave - I can’t take during term time.

1. I think that the pool/spa thing is a bit of fluff as you’re there an afternoon/evening and morning - no time to enjoy it really.

For me my heart sinks when I get invitations like that - it’s just hassle and then I don’t go and feel both guilty and jealous. I’d much rather go for a nice meal or host something nice.

Just my thoughts.

I would just go for meal out or daytime meal / event instead - maybe daytime if kids must be included. Too much hassle and expense for one night regardless of who pays. A wedding is a one off - hopefully! - whereas big birthday every 10 years .. twice that per couple. £200 plus gift and whole weekend taken up is way too much for me. But you know your friends - maybe that is the norm for them. I think if you go ahead with it and they are used to paying out that kind of money, I'd ask them if they're interested and tell them the cost.

When OH had a milestone birthday invited the usual suspects, who paid for the meal, I paid the bar bill which was much larger

FWIW, I don't understand all the comments about not inviting the kids. There is nothing wrong with including children in social occasions!

I think the fact that OP is intending to book a spa type facility makes it unsuitable. Most spas won’t let children access the facilities which means that some of the adults will be doing childcare instead of enjoying the benefits of the spa.

I think that £100 per person for a night is super expensive and I stay in hotels all the time. Even Center Parcs is cheaper than this.

I stayed in a Manor house in the home counties with 7 bedrooms, a hot tub and we had a naked butler and food for the entire weekend for £130pp for a hen night!!

I'd not mind paying to go away for a birthday, if told up front of the cost but this sounds a lot of money and trouble if I'm honest. Where roughly in Scotland are you? People may know of cheaper places

I agree with previous posters who suggested if you choose the venue, the date etc then you are the holiday and should pay. If you want to share the cost, you al6l everyone when they are free and what they fancy doing. Could be lots cheaper to rent a cottage for the weekend. I wouldn't want to pay that much for a birthday party

You are the host - not holiday!

No .i hate it when people want to book expensive things for themselves or their partners celebration and then charge you for coming. It’s really poor taste and grabby.

If however, you drop it into the conversation, “what do you think about us all going away together for the weekend to celebrate DH birthday” and you get a positive response then that’s different. Some groups if free ends do this for all of theirs or celebrate more than one where birthdays are near. Then it becomes the norm for your group. Is your DH milestone birthday the first in your group,

However, I’m not sure you have a group as such as you mentioned you could invite 10 couples but only have space for 4. Thus seems a but mean to the others and that you’re just trying to fill the place ad hoc. Why not just have a party so you can celebrate with all your friends.

Could you consider paying for the Lodge for everyone but then everyone pays for own food and drink? That way you are not asking anyone for a large amount of money and they can choose food according to their budgets. Plus drink can get expensive so you wouldn’t be exposed to that, just the fixed Lodge cost.

No, inviting them suggests you’re the host. It’s quite cheeky to ask the guests to help fund what you choose to do for your celebration.
You can’t compare this to everyone paying for their own meal / drinks if you’d gone out to dinner; they’ll be doing that anyway.

You invite then you pay.

I would not want to pay to go to someone's birthday party, ESPECIALLY to somewhere very expensive. I would be extremely annoyed by such an invitation.

The problem with this idea is that it makes friends who don't want to spend an absolute fortune and several days on someone else's birthday look like cheapskates and misanthropes. This may blow the budget they may want to spend on their own birthdays or holidays, and yet they have to spend their precious vacation money and time focused not on relaxing and their own desires, but on your husband. It's nice for your husband, but is it really so nice for them? I think it will lead to a lot of resentment, and to people avoiding you in the future, even if they like him. I adore my friends, but I don't feel the necessity of shelling out for multi-day festivals to celebrate their birthdays. Instead of throwing money at the problem, why not get people's stories about his life, or do something that makes his birthday homey and personal?

You mention your culture in relation to the correct etiquette for inviting children to stay. Does your culture not have an etiquette for inviting people to events.

The etiquette for the UK is for the invitee to pay when it isn't a mutual invite ie; if you say do you fancy coming away for a night in June I was thinking about going to the Lake District what do you think? That would be an event all would pay independently for and join in the discussion of where and when to go. If you say my husband is turning 30 we would like you to join us at blah blah lodge by Lake Windermere on the 10th June - the host pays for all to attend and to repay the host for their kindness all would normally pay or offer to pay for the host family at a birthday meal.

But as British people are excluded and you are referring to the importance of your culture then surely you need to default to the ways of your culture rather than that of British people?

Sorry that should say invitee to pay when it is s mutual invite.

I think you should pay as it's a birthday celebration and you've chosen the accommodation, location etc. I wouldn't be impressed with an invitation to a one night event that included a bill of almost £100 per person, especially if it's in a shared lodge and some people are bringing kids!

If you want people to pay their way why not ask them for suggestions (e.g. Set up a what'sapp group and ask for ideas) so you decide as a group. You may find couples with kids prefer to have their own hut/lodge/tent rather than risk their toddler waking everyone at 4am, or the luxury lodge you've chosen may not be child safe. If people can discuss different options it's more like a joint gift to your DH rather than you inviting them.

How will the other 6 couples you’ve not chosen to invite feel? Or even worse how will they feel when they have spent £x and realise they were 2nd or 3rd tier invitees.

Also I don't think the lodge with its own spa pool sounds like it would suit both kids and adults; expect a lot of shrieking excited kids and parents who can't relax because they're watching the kids in the water! Maybe not ideal for an adult birthday celebration.

Also why mid week? Won't people have to take annual leave/take kids of out school?

You just sound people out first, before issuing an invitation.

You can't invite people, and stipulate X amount of money.

Sound out those you would like to join you. If people say no, sound out your second and then third tier people and so on, until you get the right number of acceptees.

And then send the 'invitation' out with formal/written details.

I'd be happy to pay for a good friend's special do.

I would e mail the friends, hi im thinking of doing x for my husband's mile stone birthday. On this date, including an over night stay. The cost per couple would be x. What do you think? Let me know.

I would think if there are 10 couples close enough to invite, you would do better to spend 1000 on a meal for everyone. This sounds complicated. Book a decent restaurant and send out save the dates.

My dad does the sort of event OP describes: Each couple would pay for selves and NO PRESENTS would be expected. Their peer group don't need any more stuff. No children would be included & a mega-pissup would be planned.

I think it totally depends on each friendship group. Our friends are universally skint, so we'd all split the cost on something like this and just not expect a present or anything like that.

You could do something like hire a private room in a hotel /restaurant for a meal instead. I have been to a few of these for milestone birthdays where there’s young children, and it quite nice as there’s room for them to get up and down from the table / run around / draw without disturbing other diners. Also, you can decorate the room and they provide a table for cards or gifts.

Factoring in a birthday present and travel, you're asking friends to pay £200+ for the privilege of giving your husband a nice birthday. I don't think that's okay.