Who should pay?

[Freespirit24]

Hi all, first of all, I posted this in chat yesterday with little footfall so now I am asking if I am being unreasonable. Please be gentle with me!

I am planning my husbands Birthday for next year. It is a big milestone and I have thought about different options for what to do and I am considering the option of booking a one night lodge stay and inviting my husbands best friends and their wives.

At the moment, nothing is booked just looking at ideas.

I am just really looking for some advice on etiquette on how to plan and organise a night away where you are inviting your friends as I have never done this before. I am not saying that I expect people to do what I want and I am not making any decisions already I am just wondering what the norm is in this situation.

So the plan is to book a 5 bedroom lodge for 1 night.

So four couples to invite of my husbands best friends and their wives.

The hotel said to me that normally when people book for special occasions that everyone will 'chip in' and pay there share Is this normal?

So please advice me! It is acceptable to invite each couple (in a very lovely invitation explaining everything).

Telling them the date at least 6 months in advance, giving them 6 weeks to RSVP and asking them to pay £185 per couple per room and £20 per child(only some couples have children) as a supplement.

So it is like £92.00 per person for a 5 Star lodge, swim spa, some rooms with terrace, access to the thermal suite in the hotel etc.

I would include all food and drink on the night and next morning for breakfast with lots of wine and prosecco etc

Is this okay or am I better paying the £990 for the lodge all by myself!

On one hand, I would love to pay for it all but I just think I am not forcing anyone to come, they have the option of saying no as I have like ten couples I can invite and only room for four couples due to space.

I also question how different this is to a hen weekend where everyone pays their own way for the brides weekend?

I did think of paying most but asking each couple for only £100 each.

I have not made any decisions yet and unsure whether I will even book this lodge but wanted some clarification on these issues first.

I think I am confused because, the few mumsnetters yesterday said no pay it myself but my friends said that it is crazy to pay it all myself but that I should understand that some people may not want to come.

What do you think? I generally do not want to insult anyone and thus why i am asking.

Thank you all in advance

Ask them.

I’m 50 next year and started a FB ‘event’ with the date and just asked what people wanted to do with suggestions

People opted for a spa hotel in a city and gave a top ppn amount and if they minded sharing

Two nights coming in at roughly £95 pp or 180 if not sharing

It’s 9 months away so time to save etc and yes they are all happy to pay but I asked first

AnAC12UCOinanOCG

"Factoring in a birthday present and travel, you're asking friends to pay £200+ for the privilege of giving your husband a nice birthday. I don't think that's okay."

If anyone felt like that they presumably would simply decline.

She's actually subsidising a weekend or night away for a group of people who are friends. I think that is a very kind thing to offer.

That's why I said "asking."

What's wrong with asking @AnAC12UCOinanOCG ?

How else is she supposed to find out if people might be keen, other than by asking?

It's not like she's 'demanding'. She is asking if they would be willing.

They can say yes or no.

I, and many others, would be fine with it. And the OP would only know that by asking.

I think it's cheeky as fuck to essentially throw my husband a £1000 birthday party and ask other people to pay for it, so I wouldn't even ask.

You (generic) would be asking people to pay for it.

You'd be asking if they would be willing to pay. It's a subtle, but crucial, difference.

They are free to say no.

I have friends that I'd be more than happy to do this, knowing what a great weekend away it would be.

Yes, I understand you see it differently.

I don’t think it’s particularly generous to treat people to all food and drink with lots of wine and Prosecco whilst asking them to pay for their room at your lodge and assuming it’s a mega treat for them to be able to stay there.
Invite them out to dinner instead.

There is something about this that doesn’t seem quite right to me. It’s different from a hen do as that is the bride’s friends arranging it so they pay. It would be different if it was arranged by the husband for the bride and the friends were expected to pay. It’s different from a wedding as you aren’t just asking people to travel and book a room to attend, you are asking them to split the cost of the actual event with you by quite a large extent, there is quite pricey too. The weddings where couples pay less for the venue as they ask their guests to stay there and pay quite a large sum for a bedroom on site thus subsidizing the actual wedding are hugely frowned upon.

As pp have said, there is a difference between arranging it with your friends and all agreeing a mural plan rather than simply inviting and asking them to fund.

The thing that would annoy me about this is that it is weekday. If it was a weekend then I wouldn’t mind paying to go away as I would be filling the weekend with an activity anyway. This is making me take at least a day off work, probably a day and a half and then hand over quite a bit of cash for you to throw your DH a lavish bash. Feels a bit entitled. Plus there wouldn’t even be time to use all these spa facilities and I would have to put up with other people’s children.

Way too many red flags for me that it does just make it a bit cheeky. The concept itself isn’t, but the specifics make it so.

It is indeed a very subtle difference, Missus, since we can presume they’re free to say no however they’re asked!

knowing what a great weekend away it would be.

It’s not though, it’s a weekday. So travel after work and get there late or take time off to leave early and arrive in the afternoon. Then getting up early after your night of celebrating for an earlyish checkout then travel home. That day off work too.

Those two days probably would cost me a long weekend away that I could have used the extra days for.

It’s not the fact that it’s expensive for what it is, Sinkgirl.
It’s having to take time off work and spend £200 so someone else can have their venue of choice for their birthday party.

Some people wouldn’t mind this, others will prefer to keep their holidays for things they’ve chosen themselves.
I’d do this for a hen party or a wedding. I don’t really think I’d do it for someone’s birthday, and I certainly wouldn’t dream of asking others to do it for mine.

I wouldn't want to go for just one night if that was the main celebration. As opposed to eg theatre and staying over due to time/distance.

In my group of friends we would all expect to chip in. We would message asking who is interested with costs then if enough interest book and get money off everyone straight away.

such a lovely event that everyone benefits from.
You do realise that this place will be open to the public, and op isn’t just lowering the drawbridge and allowing these people access to her castle?
How are the friends “benefiting”, exactly?

We were invited to a similar sounding thing. One night in (what was promised) to be a luxury lodge for the princely sum of £150 per couple.

We arrived last and ended up with the room with bunk beds, while the birthday couple had the master bedroom with en-suite and a jacuzzi. And paid the same price.

The birthday couple had also said they’d provide dinner, but then decided to buy M&S snacks instead. Which would have been fine had their been plenty, but 10 hungry people who have driven an hour and it’s now more than 8 hours since lunch want more than one mini chicken skewer and a feta stuffed pepper each.

To quench my hunger I drank (way to much) Prosecco (that I had bought), and was dying as I tried to help clear up the place to be out the lodge for 10am.

Not my favourite birthday celebration.

I agree that you should set up a group chat to ask how people feel about the idea and cost. If they are paying it needs to be a collective decision.

I'm sure your friends might have other suggestions if they don't want to do the Lodge.

I think a formal invitation isn't a good idea unless you are paying.

The group chat will work I'm sure and avoids any awkwardness.

Way too many red flags for me that it does just make it a bit cheeky. The concept itself isn’t, but the specifics make it so.

I totally missed that it was mid-week (this would be a total no for me), so on reflection, I totally agree with ^^ Plato.

It seems like an expensive option for what is essentially a meal & somewhere to sleep, as there won’t be time to enjoy the facilities. Why don’t you book a room for you & Dh for 2 nights & pay for a meal for your guests. Let them know that you and DH will be stopping at the hotel & if they want to stop they can arrange their own rooms. Also this way you can invite more of the couples.

Yeah that's a good option. Invite for the dinner which you pay for. Guests can choose whether to stay or go

It's not enough just to say "go ahead and ask, people can always say no." When you invite people to an event like this, they feel pressured to go.

A PP made a good point about rooms in these sort of places. One couple always ends up with a lovely room (I assume it’ll be you guys as it’s your DH’s birthday) and other couples end up in bunk beds, yet paying the same as the master en-suite room. That always annoys me.

I think you’ve had a nice idea, but I don’t think it’s been that well thought out. I agree that all going for dinner or something is a better bet.

And this x 10:

A PP made a good point about rooms in these sort of places. One couple always ends up with a lovely room (I assume it’ll be you guys as it’s your DH’s birthday) and other couples end up in bunk beds, yet paying the same as the master en-suite room. That always annoys me.

God how rich is everyone here that they can book a 5 bedroom lodge for all their friends?!! We’ve been to many nights away for birthdays/anniversaries etc with groups of friends etc and we always divvy it between how many couples there are. And then everyone’s allocated a night to cook!

Hi everyone just thought I would come back with an update.

I spoke to each couple individually, explained everything and they are happy to pay the cost and attend. They even think that it is a very reasonable price and that 1 night is enough for them. They loved the lodge and think it is out-standing! So it is all sorted.

Some couples even said that they would never expect me to pay as they are getting a break-away and while some on here think its a pain we see it as a night of enjoyment and catching up!

To the pp who said that they had a similar experience and ended up with M&S snacks, I am sorry but I am planning on organising a very lovely meal, lots of drinks and some surprises. I am so happy that everyone is on board.

Thank you for those who gave me the whats app suggestions as that worked and it is all about how I worded it. They are happy to get a night away and celebrate my husband's milestone birthday at the time.

I went for a Saturday night option in the end and it worked out cheaper for every couple after I paid a higher deposit. Its all booked and thanks for all your humerous, insightful and helpful comments.

Wow, a poster who took on board all the comments and revised the plan to something totally workable. Far too sensible 😂.