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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To just curl up in a ball and sob?

175 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 27/08/2019 15:28

My husband and I have been trying to move out of our hellhole flat for the the last year. It’s small, it gets incredibly hot, and we have to deal with the smell of cigarette and weed smoke coming in whenever we open our windows.

We found a buyer in October, and made an offer on a flat which was accepted in February. (Ours is a shared ownership flat so the beginning process of selling was always going to be a bit slow) This was also the same time that I found out I was pregnant. The new flat is in a totally different area to where we live now so I have been travelling back and forth to the hospital I thought I would be delivering in for all my antenatal appointments. This hospital is widely considered to have the best maternity unit in the UK, which I was hugely relieved about as I have been extremely anxious about giving birth.

Since then, it’s been one setback after another. Our buyer’s solicitor caused delay after delay. Our vendor wanted more money as he was required to extend the leasehold, so we agreed to meet 3/4 of that cost, adding an extra £7k to the sale price. Then our vendor held back on requesting a management information pack from the building freeholders for about a month because he wanted us to pay for it. We thought we were finally in a position to exchange on the 16th of this month, when our buyer’s solicitors suddenly changed the figure of the deposit that would be going directly to our vendor. We were told this would be sorted last Monday. Then on Monday they said that actually they needed a letter from our buyer’s lender, and they’d get it back on Tuesday. On Tuesday the lender was waiting to hear from the valuer, which should be by Wednesday. Then on Wednesday they said it needed to be signed off by an underwriter, and we would be ready to exchange on Friday. All this gave us the suspicion that until last week our buyer didn’t actually have a mortgage in place.

Finally on Friday we had everything we needed from our buyer and were ready to exchange. At this point the vendor says he is going to pull out. Our estate agent told us he suspected that the vendor has had another agent in his ear telling him he can get more money for the flat if he rents it for a few months then puts it back on the market. DH made an offer to cover the vendor’s legal costs (around £2k) as a gesture of goodwill to get the sale done, which our estate agent implied that the vendor had been amenable to, but either way it was too late to exchange that day.

So- today. After several hours of chasing the estate agent finally got hold of the vendor about an hour ago. He has rejected our offer and wants more money. So DH has had to pull out.

So now, instead of moving into a new home and getting ready to start our family, we are moving in with my parents in law. Instead of giving birth at an excellent hospital, I am likely to be delivering in the hospital local to where we are now, the maternity unit of which I am reliably informed is absolute hell on Earth. Instead of being able to relax and get ready for our baby, we are going to be living under someone else’s roof, desperately trying to find somewhere to live in the just under two months between now and my due date.

My poor DH seems utterly broken. After so many months of stress and worry, it’s come to this. Instead of being able to enjoy the last few months of it just being the two of us, he’s been completely distracted trying to get us a home, and it’s all come to nothing, and he feels he’s let us down. All I can do is support and reassure him, but privately, all I want to do is cry.

OP posts:
AngeloMysterioso · 30/08/2019 10:42

@Alsohuman it’s mostly because he’s the one paying for everything. We’ll have to stay with his parents at least to begin with anyway as we’re moving out of our flat tomorrow.

OP posts:
Appletina · 30/08/2019 10:49

Why don’t you get a long term air BnB while you look for a new place?

Appletina · 30/08/2019 10:50

Your DH isn’t paying for anything Confused

You’re married, it’s joint money.

Appletina · 30/08/2019 10:50

He has said that if living with PILs gets too much for me he’ll reconsider.

No, he won’t.

LaurieMarlow · 30/08/2019 10:52

He has said that if living with PILs gets too much for me he’ll reconsider.

I’d be extremely sceptical of this

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 10:53

He’s not paying for everything at all. He promised to endow you with all his worldly goods or share everything he has with you. You get a say in this, it’s not for him to dictate, especially with a baby on the way. Your needs come first at this point.

Please, please don’t let him get away with being tight at your expense. You deserve better than this.

LizzieSiddal · 30/08/2019 11:14

it’s mostly because he’s the one paying for everything.

We don't live in the 1950s anymore. It really shouldn't be seen as his money and if he insists it is, then please don't rely on him for money in the future. Have your baby, and get back to work and have your own money.

I personally couldn't share my life with anyone who insisted he made the decisions because he's paying for everything.

MyOtherProfile · 30/08/2019 11:19

It's so difficult but you do just have to grit yoir teeth and hold on to the fact that you will get your own place and it will be lovely. Don't look ahead for things to worry about - just focus on getting through today. Have you got a friend who can come over and give you a hand?

happycamper11 · 30/08/2019 11:25

Few first births are a race against time to get to a hospital, in fact many are over due and end in a scheduled induction. Continue with your hospital of choice. The post natal care probably won't matter - you could be out the same day if you give birth in the early hours. You are now in a brilliant position to buy with the market being so unstable so as frustrating as it is now you might end up in a better situation over all

sashh · 30/08/2019 11:39

You might be OK to travel that far. Whe my brother's wife went into labour with their first child they went to the cinema because they knew it would be a while.

If you feel like sobbing go ahead.

I also think you should rent, even if it's something like a caravan you park in your IL's garden, you need some privacy. It isn't up to your husband, you are a family and you both should be doing what is best for you, him and the baby, and I think at this time you and the baby should be the priority.

SunniDay · 30/08/2019 11:39

Hi OP,
Find somewhere to rent straight away. It doesn't matter if this isn't your dream home but you don't want to buy in a rush and make another mistake (as you didn't like your last flat at all).

I would be very tempted to rent for a while and see if you get more for your money after Brexit. If your old vendor keeps his property to sell later I would be very surprised if he doesn't lose money.

You could rent somewhere cheap so you can add to your deposit and get a better place when you buy (babies don't need much room). You can also test out the new area and make sure you like it how you hope to.

I agree with PP that if you play your cards right one day you will thank your lucky stars that this flat fell through.

blackfriars · 30/08/2019 11:43

This is awful OP - I'm so sorry. I can't believe people have no sense of ethics/morals in the house buying/selling process, and can sleep at night having failed to think about how their actions effect others. Really hope you get a new flat sorted soon. On the positive side, you have sold at the right time and are looking to buy at the right time as prices are soon set to plummet.

All the best.

blackfriars · 30/08/2019 11:46

PS if you want advice from a property lawyer for any reason as you move forwards with buying somewhere new feel free to PM me

Billballbaggins · 30/08/2019 11:52

I’d rent immediately or stay with my own mum, no way I’d be living with my PILs (and I adore my MIL) so close to giving birth. Absolutely no way. Most rentals are for 6 months minimum so that would give you plenty of time to find another place to buy. And it’s not dead money if it gets you closer to the hospital you want and gives you privacy.

Grobagsforever · 30/08/2019 20:06

@AngeloMysterioso In that case I'm truly sorry you can't see that you are one of the luckiest ppl in the world to live in a developed country, married to someone you love, with a healthy baby on the way AND the means to buy your own home. You are literally in the top 1 percent of lucky ppl on this planet. Cherish your DH and baby, many would give their right arm for what you have.

Grobagsforever · 30/08/2019 20:09

Put it this way, I own my own lovely home out right and I'd swap with you in a heartbeat.

AngeloMysterioso · 02/09/2019 23:50

Well we are now officially installed at my PILs house... and today I look on Instagram and see a pic posted by the wife of a couple DH and I are friends with, who is also pregnant and due the same week as me... “Today we closed the door on our lovely first home of 5 and a half years and opened the door to our new family home! #newhome #familyhome #32weekspregnant #andrelax”

Well, fuck them. I did not need to see that shit today.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 02/09/2019 23:59

That must have been a very hard thing to see but it’s not their fault, is it? You’ve got eight weeks before your baby arrives, use it wisely. Push that bloke of yours as hard as you can to find a nice rented place, have your baby, bond with it and look for your next real home.

It’s completely understandable that you’re disappointed, unhappy and frustrated. Blaming another, luckier couple won’t help.

AngeloMysterioso · 03/09/2019 00:16

You’re right of course, and I already know that, but honestly if our positions were reversed, I’d have thought twice before being smug on social media.

OP posts:
Defenbaker · 03/09/2019 00:18

OP, congratulations on selling your flat, that's a major achievement in the current property market, which is pretty slow due to the uncertainty of Brexit. Chances are that if we leave the EU without a deal, the economy will slow down and with the resulting redundancies there could be a drop in property prices. So, that might be the silver lining for people like you, who have already sold at the height of the market.

If things get too stressful living with PIL maybe you could spend a couple of nights a week with your Mum? The money you save in rent can go towards your next home, which will seem like paradise when you eventually get it. You'll get through this somehow, and will probably end up in a much nicer place than the one that fell through.

AngeIoMysterioso · 11/09/2019 17:09

For anyone who’s interested, DH and I found somewhere else and made an offer last Tuesday which has been accepted... however the chances of us being completed and in before the baby gets here are vanishingly slim.

Bastard vendor put the flat back on the market within a week of pulling out of of our purchase (so much for his whole “renting it out” bullshit ploy), with an asking price of £260k... £1000 more than he’d have got from us.

Defenbaker · 14/09/2019 00:28

Hi OP, I'm interested! Smile That's great news! Forget about bastard vendor, don't waste any more time on him, that's all history now.

Main thing is that you've sold a flat you weren't happy in, and you've found another flat that new vendors should be keen to sell, because with an uncertain Brexit looming the property market is slowing down, so fingers crossed you will complete the sale in a few weeks. Get your DH to liaise closely with your solicitor and push for exchange asap, while you focus on preparing for the new baby. Don't worry about moving in before the birth, your mind will be so focused on the baby that all these worries about bricks and mortar will probably fade away, when you are getting to know your baby. The best is all ahead of you. Smile

MyOtherProfile · 14/09/2019 07:27

Brilliant! Before you know it you will be in your new home with your new baby.

FusionChefGeoff · 14/09/2019 07:38

Oh yay that's good news I'm keeping everything crossed for you.

I only skimmed but in relation to the hospital - could you line up a short list of hotels or BnBs which are closer that you could ring round the minute you feel a twinge????

Then you could do the journey in very very early labour and get settled into the hotel / room for the next bit (which can take a very very long time!) then you can have a short transfer to the hospital when you're in established labour??

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/09/2019 07:55

Bastard vendor put the flat back on the market within a week of pulling out of of our purchase (so much for his whole “renting it out” bullshit ploy), with an asking price of £260k... £1000 more than he’d have got from us.

I think you need to rename him “Silly Vendor”. At £260k he’ll probably get offers less than yours. And even if he gets it the time wasted will wipe out a lot of the value of the extra £1k.

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