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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To just curl up in a ball and sob?

175 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 27/08/2019 15:28

My husband and I have been trying to move out of our hellhole flat for the the last year. It’s small, it gets incredibly hot, and we have to deal with the smell of cigarette and weed smoke coming in whenever we open our windows.

We found a buyer in October, and made an offer on a flat which was accepted in February. (Ours is a shared ownership flat so the beginning process of selling was always going to be a bit slow) This was also the same time that I found out I was pregnant. The new flat is in a totally different area to where we live now so I have been travelling back and forth to the hospital I thought I would be delivering in for all my antenatal appointments. This hospital is widely considered to have the best maternity unit in the UK, which I was hugely relieved about as I have been extremely anxious about giving birth.

Since then, it’s been one setback after another. Our buyer’s solicitor caused delay after delay. Our vendor wanted more money as he was required to extend the leasehold, so we agreed to meet 3/4 of that cost, adding an extra £7k to the sale price. Then our vendor held back on requesting a management information pack from the building freeholders for about a month because he wanted us to pay for it. We thought we were finally in a position to exchange on the 16th of this month, when our buyer’s solicitors suddenly changed the figure of the deposit that would be going directly to our vendor. We were told this would be sorted last Monday. Then on Monday they said that actually they needed a letter from our buyer’s lender, and they’d get it back on Tuesday. On Tuesday the lender was waiting to hear from the valuer, which should be by Wednesday. Then on Wednesday they said it needed to be signed off by an underwriter, and we would be ready to exchange on Friday. All this gave us the suspicion that until last week our buyer didn’t actually have a mortgage in place.

Finally on Friday we had everything we needed from our buyer and were ready to exchange. At this point the vendor says he is going to pull out. Our estate agent told us he suspected that the vendor has had another agent in his ear telling him he can get more money for the flat if he rents it for a few months then puts it back on the market. DH made an offer to cover the vendor’s legal costs (around £2k) as a gesture of goodwill to get the sale done, which our estate agent implied that the vendor had been amenable to, but either way it was too late to exchange that day.

So- today. After several hours of chasing the estate agent finally got hold of the vendor about an hour ago. He has rejected our offer and wants more money. So DH has had to pull out.

So now, instead of moving into a new home and getting ready to start our family, we are moving in with my parents in law. Instead of giving birth at an excellent hospital, I am likely to be delivering in the hospital local to where we are now, the maternity unit of which I am reliably informed is absolute hell on Earth. Instead of being able to relax and get ready for our baby, we are going to be living under someone else’s roof, desperately trying to find somewhere to live in the just under two months between now and my due date.

My poor DH seems utterly broken. After so many months of stress and worry, it’s come to this. Instead of being able to enjoy the last few months of it just being the two of us, he’s been completely distracted trying to get us a home, and it’s all come to nothing, and he feels he’s let us down. All I can do is support and reassure him, but privately, all I want to do is cry.

OP posts:
Sorrysorrysosorry · 27/08/2019 16:41

He has rejected our offer and wants more money

He probably wasn’t expecting you to walk away. Is there a chance he may reconsider? If he does would you still go through with it?

There were lots of horror stories about my hospital, I was told I wouldn’t be able to go to the hospital I wanted due to cross border issues (yep, even in U.K.) it was all fine, your experience will be your own. You have had an upsetting day and things probably feel really bad at the moment. Take stock in a couple of days, I hope it will all work out. Flowers

flirtygirl · 27/08/2019 16:44

Op you can still deliver at that hospital.

Also having your mum around as you are living there may well be a godsend.

Try to look at the postures, the main one being that with falling prices you may find something amazing in the next few months. Also the last place with fees and lease etc sounds a nightmare. You may have had a lucky escape.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/08/2019 16:45

I’m sorry you’re so stressed about it all your vendor definitely needs a good slap along with a piece of your mind!

BUT as others have said, it might turn out to be a blessing in disguise

As you’ll have the money, I’d rent a place for 6 months. Yes, in one way it’s ‘dead money’ BUT in another way it’s not. In your situation I’d consider it money well spent. Living by yourselves - no worrying about I
Push g on the IL’s & the freedom to wander about as you like & privacy to get on with beung new parents. Not to mention the huge benefit of birthing in the hospital you’d prefer to! Plus, you’ll be local so can go and see any places as soon as they’re on the market & you’ll be chain free buyers - so should get a good deal!

Have a bloody good cry then rethink about renting!🌷🏡

itbemay · 27/08/2019 16:49

I am so sorry you are in this situation, your vendor has behaved very badly and I would be wary of using the estate agent again, but this could be a silver lining in disguise, i know it wont feel like that now but this puts you in a really good position for the next place you buy. Have your baby at the hospital you like, 50 miles isn't that far and it will seem like such a PITA now but will be worth it, spend some time at your mums so you get to relax an d have some space. You will find your dream house and be glad this happened eventually I am sure

Justaboy · 27/08/2019 16:50

AngeloMysterioso Sorry but property buying and selling is one of the real trials of life that most all of us have to go thru at one time or another.

However despite your concerns PND isn't obligatory depending on the hospital. Yes of course some are better or worse that others my DD2 fortunaly had a good one in the one afternoon and out the next hardley was there all well since.

Can understand your concerned with the in laws DD had tro live here for a while but we all survived! Never know another vendor might be just around the corner and if you have mortage finance in place that can sometimes clinch deals quicker!

Best of luck anyway and hope that all goes well with the babe, mum to be:)

diddl · 27/08/2019 16:55

How close is your mum to the hospital that you want?

If you'd feel more comfortable then go there.

Wouldn't the best thing to be comfortable and as stress free as possible?

MyDcAreMarvel · 27/08/2019 17:01

Labour is rarely fast, I would travel.

HappilyHarridan · 27/08/2019 17:08

Why aren’t you going to rent somewhere near the hospital? Surely that’s affordable if you aren’t paying the mortgage?

DarkAtEndOfUK · 27/08/2019 17:19

Our vendor wanted more money as he was required to extend the leasehold
Am I reading that right? The property you were going to buy was leasehold? If so you probably have had a lucky escape. If possible - god knows the housing market is broken - you want freehold.

Good luck to you. It's horrible having stress over housing at any time but especially while pregnant.

3dogs2cats · 27/08/2019 17:21

Sorry you have had such a bad time and now will be living with your in-laws. But there is s a little bit of catastrophising going on.if the local maternity hospital is really terrible, find the next nearest, but 1 anecdote does not make a bad hospital and your fil has surely seen pants before.
You have shifted the hellhole,and you. Will now be in a very strong position to buy. Chin up.

LizzieSiddal · 27/08/2019 17:25

Why don't you just rent a flat near to the hospital? Confused

Di1979 · 27/08/2019 17:26

You sound as though you suffer from a lot of anxiety, which I can relate to.
I wouldn't go on other people's experiences for birth, as I had a wonderful experience with birthing my twins at an hospital with a crap rep.
I lost my husband, my home, everything, before giving birth to my twins. I endured. You can, too.
Do you go to any groups that can support you with your fears?
I am sorry to hear about your housing issues, but seems like you could do with working on your resilience.

LizzieSiddal · 27/08/2019 17:27

there is s a little bit of catastrophising going on.if the local maternity hospital is really terrible, find the next nearest, but 1 anecdote does not make a bad hospital and your fil has surely seen pants before.
You have shifted the hellhole,and you. Will now be in a very strong position to buy. Chin up

Agree with this. The most important thing is that you have sold your flat. Everything else can be solved by renting near to your chosen hospital.

Luckingfovely · 27/08/2019 17:32

I know it seems like the end of the world right now, and you definitely deserve a bit of curled-up-in-a-ball time today.

But please do try and take heart from some of these messages - there is a lot of positive in this situation.

It would have been worse if your sale had fallen through completely, for example.

Why don't you rent in the area you want for a while - if all the predictions about Brexit come true, a big slump in the housing market could mean you end up buying something much better than the one you lost... you may yet see this whole situation as a huge blessing (one day!).

Breathe Thanks

Sunflower20 · 27/08/2019 17:35

That's awful I'm so sorry. These things are often not easy I've realised, probably one of the most stressful experiences for me was purchasing a property.
The first time I tried I was told at 16:30 the day before exchange that my locum solicitor had grave concerns about the property which were not raised by my usual solicitor, so I had no choice but to pull out. I suspect the vendor wanted to kill me with his bare hands but what could I have done in that situation?
The second time round my solicitor gave me an incredibly hard time regarding my gifted deposit a week before completion, 'cracking down on money laundering' apparently (money from my dadHmm), eventually I had to borrow an extra 20K from my mum to make it all work.
Incredibly stressful. You will overcome it.

Topseyt · 27/08/2019 17:42

I think it sounds as though this vendor is one of those nightmare ones who always mess around right up to the last minute and beyond. You may well have just dodged a bullet, although it won't feel much like that at the moment.

On the plus side, you have sold your flat so you will have that money in the bank and can hide your time a bit. if you rent now for a few months, or stay with your parents for a while then you can take your time and investigate more and better properties in the area you wish to live in. If your mortgage is agreed in principle, plus the money you make from the sale of your current flat, you will be cash buyers with no onward chain. That always helps.

It feels like shit at the moment, but if you are careful now and take your time this could work in your favour.

You can still give birth in your chosen hospital even if it is further away than your current local one.

mumsey2be · 27/08/2019 17:43

i hear you. the property buying system in England is screwed OP and causes so much stress because there is no certainty at all. BTW you should not have been paying for the seller to extend his lease - if his lease is short he will not find it easy to sell so he can go do one. I agree with PP find a nice furnished short term let near your hospital have a big snotty cry and then enjoy your baby!

Topseyt · 27/08/2019 17:45

Bide your time, not hide!! Stupid autocorrect. Though I get that OP does feel rather like hiding and crying at the moment.

AngeloMysterioso · 27/08/2019 17:47

The rental market in the town we want to move to is very expensive. We’re looking at mortgage repayments of c. £800 pcm, a quick search on Rightmove tells me there is one 1-bed flat to rent for that amount. That’s it.

My Mum lives even further away from there than PILs do.

OP posts:
flashingbeacon · 27/08/2019 17:47

What a nightmare. I’ve got anxiety on your behalf. But not when you’re looking you’re not in a chain. You can buy and only consider that half of the transaction. I’m not going to lie and say it’s going to be fun but it’s much easier to coordinate that selling and buying.

InterestingView · 27/08/2019 17:50

Use this as an opportunity to find a house to buy and not another flat.

HappilyHarridan · 27/08/2019 17:51

So get in quick and rent the one that’s available! You don’t need a two bed for ages yet.

jgjgjgjgjg · 27/08/2019 17:52

If you've got your heart set on a particular hospital then go there. Just factor the travel into your plans. First births tend to be longer rather than shorter, the likelihood is that you'll have time to travel there multiple times over if needed

Topseyt · 27/08/2019 17:56

Oh, and the lease extension was the vendor's problem. He should have sorted that well before selling the property as a short lease badly affects the price he can realistically ask for it.

So it was a bit of cheeky fuckery for him to suddenly ask you to up your offer to fund it. It is still his lease, so his problem to sort out, ideally before marketing the property. Then he could have factored everything into his price and what offers he was prepared to consider. If he had then much of the farting about you describe could probably have been avoided.

The more I think about it, the more it sounds like you have dodged the proverbial bullet.

DameMargaretofChalfont · 27/08/2019 17:58

Instead of giving birth at an excellent hospital, I am likely to be delivering in the hospital local to where we are now, the maternity unit of which I am reliably informed is absolute hell on Earth

Sorry OP but you lost my sympathy when you made the above judgemental statement.

Your situation is very stressful but you have no right to decry an entire hospital on hearsay. I'm willing to bet there's many decent, dedicated staff who will work bloody hard to help and support you (despite your judgement on them).