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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To just curl up in a ball and sob?

175 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 27/08/2019 15:28

My husband and I have been trying to move out of our hellhole flat for the the last year. It’s small, it gets incredibly hot, and we have to deal with the smell of cigarette and weed smoke coming in whenever we open our windows.

We found a buyer in October, and made an offer on a flat which was accepted in February. (Ours is a shared ownership flat so the beginning process of selling was always going to be a bit slow) This was also the same time that I found out I was pregnant. The new flat is in a totally different area to where we live now so I have been travelling back and forth to the hospital I thought I would be delivering in for all my antenatal appointments. This hospital is widely considered to have the best maternity unit in the UK, which I was hugely relieved about as I have been extremely anxious about giving birth.

Since then, it’s been one setback after another. Our buyer’s solicitor caused delay after delay. Our vendor wanted more money as he was required to extend the leasehold, so we agreed to meet 3/4 of that cost, adding an extra £7k to the sale price. Then our vendor held back on requesting a management information pack from the building freeholders for about a month because he wanted us to pay for it. We thought we were finally in a position to exchange on the 16th of this month, when our buyer’s solicitors suddenly changed the figure of the deposit that would be going directly to our vendor. We were told this would be sorted last Monday. Then on Monday they said that actually they needed a letter from our buyer’s lender, and they’d get it back on Tuesday. On Tuesday the lender was waiting to hear from the valuer, which should be by Wednesday. Then on Wednesday they said it needed to be signed off by an underwriter, and we would be ready to exchange on Friday. All this gave us the suspicion that until last week our buyer didn’t actually have a mortgage in place.

Finally on Friday we had everything we needed from our buyer and were ready to exchange. At this point the vendor says he is going to pull out. Our estate agent told us he suspected that the vendor has had another agent in his ear telling him he can get more money for the flat if he rents it for a few months then puts it back on the market. DH made an offer to cover the vendor’s legal costs (around £2k) as a gesture of goodwill to get the sale done, which our estate agent implied that the vendor had been amenable to, but either way it was too late to exchange that day.

So- today. After several hours of chasing the estate agent finally got hold of the vendor about an hour ago. He has rejected our offer and wants more money. So DH has had to pull out.

So now, instead of moving into a new home and getting ready to start our family, we are moving in with my parents in law. Instead of giving birth at an excellent hospital, I am likely to be delivering in the hospital local to where we are now, the maternity unit of which I am reliably informed is absolute hell on Earth. Instead of being able to relax and get ready for our baby, we are going to be living under someone else’s roof, desperately trying to find somewhere to live in the just under two months between now and my due date.

My poor DH seems utterly broken. After so many months of stress and worry, it’s come to this. Instead of being able to enjoy the last few months of it just being the two of us, he’s been completely distracted trying to get us a home, and it’s all come to nothing, and he feels he’s let us down. All I can do is support and reassure him, but privately, all I want to do is cry.

OP posts:
Thornhill58 · 28/08/2019 10:57

Sometimes you have to accept that things happen for a reason. The vendor was an absolute knob and asking you to pay for the lease extension is completely unacceptable. That's something that should have been added to the sale price.
To me this delay may be that your ideal home is yet to come. You were going to be fleeced.
You may still want to give birth in your chosen hospital if you are able to plan it.
See this as an opportunity to find something better and I think you had a lucky scape.
I'm speechless the vendor wanted you to pay part of the lease. Cheeky bastard.

TreeSunset · 28/08/2019 11:03

Absolutely rent somewhere! If it’s going to take 6 months to find somewhere new to buy and start again you need your own space with a newborn!
And drive to the hospital you were wanting to deliver at anyway. Lots of people have a long drive in labour

WhoAmIToTellYou · 28/08/2019 11:11

i would be looking into booking week’s accommodation somewhere cheap near the hospital so at least you can have birth there. We did similar- i worked in one place, got maternity care in one hospital, then we moved. When my waters broke we got in a car, booked a cheap hotel near the hospital for 3 nights. I delivered in 48 hours and after that we went home (mind u i stayed in the hospital for a week but that wasnt a problem- dh went home and visited me by train).
You can do similar, it’s unlikely you will deliver immediately.
The vendor sounds a knob and it’s a shit situation but you can still have your birth in a good hospital i think

AngeloMysterioso · 28/08/2019 11:14

Thornhill58 it was added to the sale price but only after he’d accepted our offer, so we had to re-apply for our mortgage to cover the extra.

DH has promised to look at renting if we don’t find somewhere else to buy quickly or if living at PILs gets too much for me.

OP posts:
Thornhill58 · 28/08/2019 11:19

I know it feels very rough right now but you did sell your place and now you can have the freedom to look for something else. The market is a bit stale so you may get something even better.
Don't curl up for long as I'm sure with a positive outlook you'll find a great place.

LASH38 · 28/08/2019 11:21

OP, others have said this but to confirm, I recently gave birth 9 London miles/1 hr with NO traffic from my home instead of the hosp 5 min drive away.

It was fine, we used an Uber there and back, husband never left (5 days in total).

I was nervous re journey but my midwife reassured me that 1. if things got hairy on journey we could call an ambulance and 2. We wouldn’t be turned away if I presented in labour.

The hosp is one of the best in the country and is in central London so had women travelling from all over

LASH38 · 28/08/2019 11:24

For the record - I do not advocate calling an ambulance as such unless life or death, but was given as an option for if things got serious with a need for immediate attention.

The midwife(s) basically said ‘call us and we will advise’.

Grobagsforever · 28/08/2019 11:39

@AngeloMysterioso I hope this helps you, not in a my life is harder than yours way, but for perspective.

Your situation is temporary. You've ditched your awful flat and get a new one this. This is TEMPORARY.

The last time I gave birth my DH has just died (5 weeks previous). You have your DH, you have your baby and you have a roof over your heads and the means to get your own place in due course. This situation will pass and the people you love are with you.

Best of luck. This will all be a distant memory soon.

sotired2 · 28/08/2019 11:41

I know at moment things look bleak but as I've read this I've tried to think of some positives:

1 When you do put in an offer on a place not having anything to sell will put you in a stronger bargaining place

2 Being at PIL may mean you have more help in those early days, do they know about hair loss and use of wig? If not would now be a good time to tel them I'm sure they wouldn't care any less if they saw you in their house.

3 If you do live with PIL what you save on mortgage/rent would quickly add to your deposit and may mean you can buy something better than original plan

4 Other peoples experience of a hospital wont be yours yes it may not be the best in the UK but you may have a dream quick labor and soon be home after birth (I gave birth in same hospital twice 1st time was horrendous 2nd OK depends on staff on and how busy)

5 reading this you dont seem to have a close relationship with PIL perhaps spending this time with them will bring you closer and expand your support network, I'm sure they will not want you to hide away.

6Everyone I know who has lost a house sale has gone on to find something better and once all sorted realize it is for the best they didn't get 1st house.

Let your self have a little cry then move on ask your self will this still be a worry in a years time?

AngeloMysterioso · 28/08/2019 12:47

My PILs don’t know about my hair loss, I would be utterly mortified if I’m forced to tell them.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 28/08/2019 12:55

I think your in laws do know you cannot fake real hair with a wig. They have kindly not drawn attention to it.

LaurieMarlow · 28/08/2019 12:59

Whether they know or not isn’t relevant. The OP doesn’t want to share it with them.

Seriously OP, I’ve lived with the in laws and I’d advise you not to do it. To just put your foot down now and rent.

It’ll be harder to move out once you’re there.

EverTheConundrum · 28/08/2019 13:10

I'd be demanding to know who the vendor is! But that's me - I never deal with anything correctly.

We had to move with a 1 week old once (Landlord sold house with no notice, long long story) and although stressful, it was do-able.

You now have the freedom to be cash buyers with no chain. Look at it like that x

Justaboy · 28/08/2019 13:17

You now have the freedom to be cash buyers with no chain. Look at it like that

Second that:)

EverTheConundrum · 28/08/2019 13:22

What about a Travelodge room? Static Caravan? Holiday Park?

Luckingfovely · 28/08/2019 13:32

Op there is loads of good advice on here. I know this is a really emotional time and you feel devastated right now, but please try and let go a little bit, so that you can see the bigger picture. Things really could be much worse for you, and you do still have options.

BonnesVacances · 28/08/2019 13:37

You DH was prepared to spend another £7k, then £2k, over the original value of the flat you were going to buy. Why is he therefore so against spending extra money on renting while you wait for another property to come up? That doesn't make a lot of sense. Confused

100timewforgotten · 28/08/2019 13:40

Could you wear head scarfs instead of your wig? Try to tackle one problem at a time.

AngeloMysterioso · 28/08/2019 14:05

100timewforgotten not without it being completely obvious.

EverTheConundrum I know who the vendor is, his name and address is on some of the paperwork we have.

BonnesVacances the £7k would have gone back into the value of the property, and the £2k was just as a desperate measure to get the sale done. Neither of us particularly wanted to do it, we’d rather have had the money go towards a car or stuff for our baby.

OP posts:
CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 28/08/2019 14:24

What a horrible greedy man. I hope karma comes to bite him in the ass for you!

These things always happen for a reason, you will find an even better place next time and you'll be in a stronger position to negotiate as a cash buyer. Best of luck!

AngeloMysterioso · 28/08/2019 14:30

We’re not going to be cash buyers as our current flat is shared ownership. We will be chain free though which I guess is better than going through all the BS with our buyer again.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 28/08/2019 14:35

A house in our road sold last August, it needed work doing so the family lived with relatives for a year, they only moved in when it was absolutely finished the new house cards were on the windowsill. I met the family a lot mum, dad, children, grandmother often, I take my hat off to them that they are still on speaking terms. To live with rellies for a year is impressive. They must have saved a fortune in renting, mortgage etc.

Alsohuman · 28/08/2019 14:53

@BonnesVacances has it completely. Please don’t use renting as an if it doesn’t work out last resort. Make it the next thing you do. You’re both way too hung up on the waste of money argument. It’s not a waste of money and, even if it was, what price your comfort and mental health?

BlueLadybird · 29/08/2019 08:19

What is the market like in the place you want to buy? If there is a new built or vacant property it’s not inconceivable you could be in within 2 months if you get a good solicitor (and insist the vendor does too).

Meangirls36 · 29/08/2019 08:36

I gave birth and had my incredibly shitty twice the same age as me partner move for me. I was stuck in the maternity ward for a week because I didn't have a home to go to. My mum turned up with a shitty expression at the maternity ward and when I went to my house she screamed at me for not helping with the unpacking. I was changing the baby at the time. My partner then decided to go to Amsterdam when he got a large dla payment at the same time the house was having central heating fitted because it didn't at the time. No internet no car no money at all.

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