To just curl up in a ball and sob?

[AngeloMysterioso]

My husband and I have been trying to move out of our hellhole flat for the the last year. It’s small, it gets incredibly hot, and we have to deal with the smell of cigarette and weed smoke coming in whenever we open our windows.

We found a buyer in October, and made an offer on a flat which was accepted in February. (Ours is a shared ownership flat so the beginning process of selling was always going to be a bit slow) This was also the same time that I found out I was pregnant. The new flat is in a totally different area to where we live now so I have been travelling back and forth to the hospital I thought I would be delivering in for all my antenatal appointments. This hospital is widely considered to have the best maternity unit in the UK, which I was hugely relieved about as I have been extremely anxious about giving birth.

Since then, it’s been one setback after another. Our buyer’s solicitor caused delay after delay. Our vendor wanted more money as he was required to extend the leasehold, so we agreed to meet 3/4 of that cost, adding an extra £7k to the sale price. Then our vendor held back on requesting a management information pack from the building freeholders for about a month because he wanted us to pay for it. We thought we were finally in a position to exchange on the 16th of this month, when our buyer’s solicitors suddenly changed the figure of the deposit that would be going directly to our vendor. We were told this would be sorted last Monday. Then on Monday they said that actually they needed a letter from our buyer’s lender, and they’d get it back on Tuesday. On Tuesday the lender was waiting to hear from the valuer, which should be by Wednesday. Then on Wednesday they said it needed to be signed off by an underwriter, and we would be ready to exchange on Friday. All this gave us the suspicion that until last week our buyer didn’t actually have a mortgage in place.

Finally on Friday we had everything we needed from our buyer and were ready to exchange. At this point the vendor says he is going to pull out. Our estate agent told us he suspected that the vendor has had another agent in his ear telling him he can get more money for the flat if he rents it for a few months then puts it back on the market. DH made an offer to cover the vendor’s legal costs (around £2k) as a gesture of goodwill to get the sale done, which our estate agent implied that the vendor had been amenable to, but either way it was too late to exchange that day.

So- today. After several hours of chasing the estate agent finally got hold of the vendor about an hour ago. He has rejected our offer and wants more money. So DH has had to pull out.

So now, instead of moving into a new home and getting ready to start our family, we are moving in with my parents in law. Instead of giving birth at an excellent hospital, I am likely to be delivering in the hospital local to where we are now, the maternity unit of which I am reliably informed is absolute hell on Earth. Instead of being able to relax and get ready for our baby, we are going to be living under someone else’s roof, desperately trying to find somewhere to live in the just under two months between now and my due date.

My poor DH seems utterly broken. After so many months of stress and worry, it’s come to this. Instead of being able to enjoy the last few months of it just being the two of us, he’s been completely distracted trying to get us a home, and it’s all come to nothing, and he feels he’s let us down. All I can do is support and reassure him, but privately, all I want to do is cry.

I wouldn't rent, I would stay with parents. But only you know if they are the type to be ok and if you would prefer it.

I would definitely prefer to save the money as that's a huge amount over 6 months to a year.

You may find a property quickly but you may not. You can always rent if a property does not come up in the next 6 - 0 months.

We were in the same situation OP. And the stress of it nearly broke us. We ended up renting in the area we wanted and living out of suitcases for a few months. It was incredibly stressful but infinitely preferable to living with my in laws and their local hospital, which was grotty. DH did press the saving money point quite harshly, I said I'd fuck off back to my parents 200 miles away if he valued my mental health so low. I'd have done it too.

If the rent is the same as mortgage repayments, what’s the difference? In the early days of a mortgage hardly any of the payments go towards paying down the capital, it’s mainly interest, ie money down the drain.

But with the best will in the world, moving back in with your parents like your DH is suggesting is NOT the same as living with your inlaws. Can your husband not see that? Especially just after giving birth.

Stay with them for a few days if absolutely necessary, @AngeloMysterioso but until your DH is the one about to give birth he needs to put you first. Renting for 3 or 6 months is going to give you hugely more benefit than the “pain” of paying someone else’s mortgage.

Fingers crossed, the vendor might reconsider. If not, I would absolutely advise short term renting so you can be near the nice hospital.

So your Dh is putting his own feelings above your wishes to give birth in an excellent maternity unit and to not live with your PIL?

He needs to have a rethink!

Does the hospital begin with a ‘P’ OP? If it’s the one I think (where I delivered), there are LOADS of nice areas to live nearby if you’re not set on being right in the town centre x

Don't give anything to the buyer when they come for the keys except their keys. It's not their fault this has gone wrong for you.

^"Instead of giving birth at an excellent hospital, I am likely to be delivering in the hospital local to where we are now, the maternity unit of which I am reliably informed is absolute hell on Earth

Sorry OP but you lost my sympathy when you made the above judgemental statement.

Your situation is very stressful but you have no right to decry an entire hospital on hearsay. I'm willing to bet there's many decent, dedicated staff who will work bloody hard to help and support you (despite your judgement on them)." ^

This.

I'd love to know where this widely acknowledged 'best maternity unit in the UK' is - sounds like a load of hokum to me. I've worked in maternity care for two decades and have never heard of such a unit. And surely your partner can stay with you the whole time on any postnatal ward in the UK? Surely there aren't any units left that are so backward as to insist on 'visiting hours' for partners?

The situation with your flat is crap, I agree, but I think you're projecting your flat buying stress unfairly onto your local maternity unit. I'd be willing to bet that if you asked around you would be able to find just as many women with hospital caused birth trauma and PND at the all singing all dancing hospital as there are at your local unit. Have you even been to see them both?

Sorry you have had such bad luck. Why can you not stay at your mum's after the birth? I would 100% do this. Is it because if your DH's job? Is he not entitled to parental leave? If he is going to be out at work all day anyway you might find you would be better at your mum's where you can relax properly. Are your PILs retired?

You've soldnyour flat. Your in a great position to buy. The vendor hasn't grabbed more money from you and you'll find somewhere amazing.
The world is FULL of horror stories about hospitals and where you give birth. It will all be fine and you will have a gorgeous baby.
Honestly you are in a great position for getting another flat.
The vendor is a tosser

My dream house fell through in 2007, I was 8mths pregnant and gutted.

Things happen for a reason, the house we were going to buy for £225k was on the market for £185k recently and we would have been in negative equity.

I feel your pain. But if you step back from it you’re not on a bad position.

But I’d rent for six months. I’ve lived with the in laws and it’s a fucking nightmare. With the birth on top it’s far too much. Tell your DH you’re not doing it. It’s absolutely not worth the money you’ll save.

DH doesn’t want to rent. As far as he’s concerned it makes more sense to stay with PILs and actually save money than chuck it away paying someone else’s mortgage. I can see where he’s coming from.

So all of his guilt and worry is just words! If he genuinely felt like he’d let you down, he’d be bending over backwards to make this as right as he could for you.
You’re carrying his baby - yet he seems to think how he feels and what he wants is all that matters! Selfish prick.

He should be making your life as stress free as he can, not being so bloody selfish.

As I said earlier, I understand renting feels like ‘dead miney’ butbtherecarevtjnss in your life where miney can be used to reduce stress and make important occasions much better. I think pregnancy, child birth and early parenting days should be made as stress free and nice as you can make them - tell him to stop being a selfish knob and just rent a flat. Tell him he is welcome to stay with his parents if he wants to, but you are not going to! He can’t make you. What are the hospitals like near your mums?

My Mum’s would only be better for me in that I wouldn’t feel self conscious not wearing my wig, or sleeping in late, or lounging around in a crop top and a pair of shorts. I’m not working at the moment so I would feel like I need to stay in the bedroom all day at PILs so as not to get under their feet. Other than that my DM is generally a pretty stressful person for me to be around. I stayed with her for a week after she had foot surgery a few months ago and she drove me insane! It would also take DH more than twice as long and cost more than twice as much to get to work from where she lives. She lives in a two bed first floor flat with no outside space with the worlds most uncomfy sofa bed in the spare room, whereas PILs is a 3 bed house with a garden, a mile and a half from where we currently live. From an objective standpoint it does make more sense to go to his parents.

whoseafraidofnaomiwolf Yes I’ve been to both hospitals. And I have close friends who’ve had their babies at both hospitals. So I’m not basing my opinion on hearsay, I’m basing it on the lived experiences of people I actually know, along with my own.

MindatWork it sort of does? Proximity to town centre is important as DH has to get the train to work and I can’t drive.

Goodness if you find your MIL stressful, for heavens sake don't move in with her when you have your first baby! Your DH will have to suck up the commute. Buy an Ikea daybed for your mum's guest room. Babies don't need spare rooms and gardens and short commutes for their dads. They need parents who are in an environment that enables them to be themselves and start relaxing into their new role as mum/dad. And since you will be the primary caregiver then your needs come first. It sounds a bit like DH is making all the decisions about the living situation when in reality in your case I would say your needs are much further up the list.

I think OP said it’s her DM, not MIL that she finds stressful

Hi OP if it’s the town I think it is then I’ve just looked on rightmove and there are loads of flats to rent for £800 and under?

Also a close relative of mine is a midwife at the hospital and they do get women coming from all over the country to give birth there - many come for the private rooms alone let alone the excellent CQC ratings.

When my DD was in scbu the parents of the baby in the next crib over had chosen to have an elective section there, even though they and their entire family network lived in north London.

Yeah, I think you need to put your foot down.

Loads of good reasons and arguments above which you should collate and use, but I would have your bottom as line as: I am not moving in with either sets of parents. So, let's look at the other options, and if it means renting for six months, do it.

(I can't believe there's only one flat to rent in a town big enough to have such a well esteemed maternity hospital).

The really stupid thing is that the flat we were going to buy was on the market at a reduced asking price for more two months before we saw it and made the offer. So quite how the vendor has been persuaded that he can get more for it - especially with Brexit looming - is beyond me!

Hi, so sorry to hear this.

Something similar happend to me. We ended up living with my parents until my child was 9months old! It was really tough.

However it did all work out in the end and for the better. Sending you lots of luck for a new home soon x

Ah yes, I got confused up thread. If living with your own mum is stressful then I agree with PP, you need to rent for a bit for your own well-being. Start looking properly and once you have found somewhere you like you will feel so so much better.

Property buying/selling is.. a fucker.

I really don't think anyone has it easy and I appreciate that doesn't make this any better, but going forward you will be in a very strong position as a buyer.

I should have had a simple purchase when I bought my council house..

I was a CASH buyer, already living in the property, having agreed the valuation given.

That shouldn't have taken more than a few weeks to do the deed.

It took NINE MONTHS.

Nine months in which they charged me rent still (ooh I wonder why it took so long......) but of course would do no maintenance or repairs on the property at all (because then they'd have had to revalue the property and start over).

Anyway, fingers x you will find an amazing property soon, and equally, fingers x the CF vendor ends up renting to a bunch of arseholes and can't sell it for even what you offered.

I’m supposed to be getting stuff done today as we have to move out on Saturday and I just can’t do it. I’m dreading this so much. I don’t work so whilst DH is out I’m going to be alone all day in my PILs house, trying not to disturb FIL as he works nights... trying to get to grips with breastfeeding at PILs house... potentially dealing with birth injuries at PILs house...
I just don’t think I’m strong enough for this.

Make him rent somewhere then. You hold all the cards. Make him see renting your own place for six months is no more a waste of money than paying interest on a mortgage for the same period.

I just don’t think I’m strong enough for this.

You don’t have to be. You’re not doing it.

Your needs in the circumstances significantly outweigh his.

Stand your ground. Sometimes you have to advocate for yourself because no one else gets it. This is one of those times.