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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

407 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 26/08/2019 09:19

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

OP posts:
everyonecaneffoff · 27/08/2019 07:41

Childfree people can never be asked about their decision not to have kids?

That's right. Never ask why someone doesn't have children. For some people, it isn't a choice and such questions could upset them. Regardless of this, it's simply nobody else's business.

^This
Because either the person chose not to have children for whatever reason and they will have thought about this and the reasons are none of your business
OR
the person wanted to have children and was unable to, or they lost a child and you are putting them in a horrible position by asking the question.

It's just such a sensitive subject that I think people should stop asking things like this.
Friend of mine lost his 3-year old daughter to cancer and he had people (who didn't know this) going on at him and his wife asking why he didn't have children for the whole ten years between his daughter dying and them having another child. It really upset him - he'd be out in a social setting and somebody would start on about it. He'd then have to explain and sometimes people would then say "You should have another one" - just like that.

AsTheWorldTurns · 27/08/2019 07:50

Or maybe you can just let a conversation unfold organically between friends.

I have a good friend who doesn’t have kids, we talked about it at her initiation our 5th or 6th night out together. In her case she had a difficult childhood and I was touched that she decided to talk to me about it.

If you’re not good friends, why would you even take an interest in such a matter?

AsTheWorldTurns · 27/08/2019 07:56

Pretty shocking stuff everyone

TheUltimateGoober · 27/08/2019 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GiveMeHope103 · 27/08/2019 08:31

It is always women who dish out this nastiness. I've never experienced it from men or heard anyone say that they did.

malificent7 · 27/08/2019 08:35

People are just rude...plain nasty and smug.
I wouldnt go round asking why on earth people have 3 kids or more.

FishinthePerculator · 27/08/2019 08:51

@Ponoka7 I know you have phrased this as a question and perhaps you didn't mean it but for what it's wort I do detect an assumption on your part that I have wronged my sister in the first place and that us childfree people clearly don;t show an interest in pregnancy and babies. In fact, I couldn't have been more involved with my sister's pregnancy - we were probably closer than ever at that time and I was overwhelmed by love for this child, not even yet born, who would be a part of my family and therefore a part of my sister. I accompanied her to appointments when her DH couldn't and, at her request, was the first person allowed in to meet my niece when she was born. I comforted my sister when she cried in pain and frustration in the days and weeks following a difficult and traumatic birth and when she went back to work, which happily coincided with me taking a year from uni for personal reasons, I provided childcare every day, looking after my niece, feeding her, bathing her, changing nappies etc. I like to think that we formed a real bond and for the first ten or so years of her life we saw each other all the time, but then we got to the point where my sister obviously expected me to have a baby; I was married and in my early 30s and she became more and more distant when it didn't happen. We only spoke about it outright once and she told me I was stupid and selfish. My niece is now 20, I'm 40, my sister 50, and I feel like a stranger to them. Believe me I tried to maintain the relationship and although I still see them occasionally, I miss them and the relationship we used to have and could still have now, immensely.

isabellerossignol · 27/08/2019 09:11

Childfree people can never be asked about their decision not to have kids?

No, it's a horrible thing to ask someone. Because it's like you expect them to justify it. If it comes up in conversation and they choose to discuss it, that's different. But if they never raise the issue themselves then it's safe to assume that they don't want to talk to you about it. Just like any issue really - if someone wants to discuss it they will. If they don't, don't try to make them.

malificent7 · 27/08/2019 09:13

I would just trot out the better for the planet line...although that now offends those with kids. You cannot win.

tirednhungry247 · 27/08/2019 09:21

I'm a mum of 1 but what annoyed me and still annoys me is "you don't know proper responsibility until you become a parent."

In some respects it's true however, who are we to judge people's responsibilities, coping mechanisms, lifestyles and work load? You do know responsibly it's just a different kind of responsibility.

I find it really quite demeaning when people say that.

SerenDippitty · 27/08/2019 09:59

I do totally respect my child free friends. However I’ve been frank and asked them directly if they wanted them, and if there was anything holding them back. Or if it was a positive choice. I asked it because I did not want them to regret not having kids.

And your childfree friends are still your friends? They must be very tolerant.

violashift · 27/08/2019 10:01

I also didn't feel love like i do now before kids.

This old chestnut.
It's not 'real' love you feel now. It's the effects of hormones and the self interest of the selfish gene.

Agree though your post was really nice. You did exactly what this thread us about.

moonandstars35 · 27/08/2019 10:39

Not sure if anyone has experienced this but I’ve found in the past meeting some of DP’s friends partners, immediately they find out if you have children/ are trying/ currently pregnant... and if you aren’t don’t seem all that interested in striking up a friendship. Also they organise things with couples & kids that could also be adult friendly (e.g. beach/ restaurants) no invite.

Have also witness others previously in the same boat as myself become pregnant and then suddenly become accepted into the VIP circle!

I intend to have kids just not right now and love the company of kids so don’t really understand why it’s a “bring your own child” policy at certain events or no invite lol.

This is a minority though I will say! Other friends I hang out with kids included and is great

NaviSprite · 27/08/2019 11:07

I’m a mum of twins, my younger sister does not want children and is quite happy being Auntie. Our wider family have often commented many of the comments PP have already shared ‘she’ll grow out of it/meet the right man/only young so doesn’t know what she’s talking about etc.’ and then they look to me to back them up. I won’t and have raged at them on more than one occasion that my Sister has every right to choose not to have children as much as those who do have children have the right to choose.

I think with the older generation of women it was less likely they had a choice - as far as they saw it - and perhaps dislike that women these days are able to decide. I always remember my favourite aunt getting snide comments from her own sisters because they all had children fairly young and aunt did not. It was jealousy from their standpoint I think.

I don’t ask people if they want kids or parents why, it’s none of my bloody business, I’m just happy they continue their friendship with me since I’ve had mine and bring a level of normalcy back to my life. My child free friends have been my lifeline to remembering I’m more than just “Mum” and that whilst I adore my DC I am allowed to still be Navi 😊

NaviSprite · 27/08/2019 11:09

Don’t know where ‘or parents’ came from in that last sentence! Blush

Raffles1981 · 27/08/2019 11:26

I had my son at 36. I was married once and the constant pressure to have kids was intense. When I got divorced and met my DP (who is 19 years older) we were told to "Hurry up before it was too late" I have never once competed with others about tiredness. I have never assumed that as a mother, I know better. And I never patronise any of my friends who don't have kids. I have had it thrown at me before I was a mother and I hated it. We all have different levels of tiredness and stress and we all waste time in our own special way. I will never understand this need to outdo eachother.

WombleishOfThigh · 27/08/2019 16:58

Bloody hell, I can't believe this thread has been going so long and we haven't had hoards of smug mummies coming on it telling us why we're all wrong for wanting to be child-free, or asking why we're on MN if we're not parents, which always seems to happen. It's a miracle.

tirednhungry247 · 27/08/2019 17:16

I'm a mum and have a friend who told me recently she has decided she doesn't want children because she has no patience and worries about her temper.

I told her that was the most selfless decision she could've made. I was actually very proud of her decision. We need more honest people like that.

SoupDragon · 27/08/2019 17:21

hoards of smug mummies coming on it telling us why we're all wrong for wanting to be child-free

You have a very low opinion about Mumsnetters.

IamWaggingBrenda · 27/08/2019 17:33

Well, if it makes you feel any better, those of us with kids have to listen to stupid comments about having kids. “I’ll bet you can’t wait till summer’s over and you can get rid of them” people referencing “brats”, “screaming brats”, people who give dirty looks if you dare bring a child into a restaurant, theatre, etc. People love to judge. End of.

WombleishOfThigh · 27/08/2019 17:36

SoupDragon I am specifically referring to women who come on these threads claiming that we're wrong not to want children and explaining why, not all mothers. We've had it so many times before.

Stationeryqueen · 27/08/2019 17:39

I had a new one yesterday. (We do not have children.)

We have an elderly relative in the later stages of Terminal Cancer, DP and I have for various reasons taken on a lot of the caring role and have been taking it in turns sitting at the hospice bedside.

DP has turned down work (self-employed) and we are dipping into savings, I have been working flexi & taken holiday. We have had little support from other relatives, one of which said yesterday. 'My time is much more precious than yours, I have a job and children to think of'

I walked away as it wasn't the time or place, it made me feel so utterly worthless.

Milkstick · 27/08/2019 17:42

I used to work with kids before I had my own. One member staff, older with kids, had v low opinions of me and other young women working there because we didn't have kids. That's v truncated version of the story... We all left. She was vile.

Stationeryqueen · 27/08/2019 17:48

Grin just seen the 'follow the goose' cartoon.

That's what I do with all that meaningless non precious time. Looked at our lives and thought humm decisions decisions Children or the Goose yellow brick road!

Lincolnfield · 27/08/2019 17:48

Mmm- I'm an oldie whose three sons are now all adults with families of their own. A young neighbour who has one little girl said to me once 'you can't understand how difficult it can be when you're juggling working and children!' I've never laughed so much. When my boys were small I was working shifts as a theatre nurse and my husband was also working shifts as a police officer. Oh, and for good measure I was caring for my mum who had terminal cancer. Good job I have a sense of humour! 😂😂