Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

[lastqueenofscotland]

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

Maybe your friendships are more superficial.

I do know someone who did do a follow the Goode's kind of thing once - it was with her three kids and they had a really fantastic adventure. Now, unless a goose is heading to the nearest pub, I think I'll give it a miss

Can we please use 'following the goose' (see cartoon on pg 2 of this thread) as Mumsnet code for childfree from now on?

Definitely!

I'm normally fine with being childless, especially as I'm post menopause so I get far fewer interrogations these days. But when I saw this little gem, I have never felt anger like it.

I know me post-small baby is so much more tired than me pre-small baby. Stupid though, to compare to my tiredness to other people's as who knows what they have got going on! Except my partner, I will always maintain my tiredness level exceeds his, even when it isn't strictly true 😂

YANBU. I always get the ‘oh you’d be such a good mum’ I reply, ‘I am, I’m a stepmum’ then I get the head tilt and ‘well don’t you want your own?’ I just eyeball them and say ‘when was the last time you had sex?! Oh I’m sorry are the personal questions making you uncomfortable? They are? Good...Yeah well so is endometriosis so FUCK ORFF’

Maryscary remjnds me of a colleague who once told me I couldn't possibly be as tired as her because she had (chosen to have) 4 (actually by then practically adult) children & I was childless.

Well actually Im usually fucking shattered.
I'm on high doses of anti depressants, anti epileptics & anti psychotics.
The main side effect of all the meds is fatigue.
If I had a child I would not be able to care for them properly unfortunately because I'm so exhausted. I often oversleep & feed my cat quite late.
I can only work part time & can rarely stay out late. The last late night I had I was hallucinating I was so tired.

Then there's 'why don't you adopt' hmm yes because I'm sure that social services are looking for single parents with my mental health problems!

The difficulty is I can't really be honest about my problems when people say these things.

Luckily my workplace do a rota for Christmas duty & we take our turns working Christmas.

Whenever someone says I'll regret not having children, I tend to say "well it's better than regretting having them" with a sad smile.

Strangely enough people don't like that....

I’ve also had the “oh, you’d be such a gooood mum” from people. No I wouldn’t. Because I don’t want to be, and never have.

The one that really boils my piss is “you haven’t met the right man yet”. Fucking disrespectful to my partner of 12 years. And complete nonsense too, I’ve always sent men packing if they wanted kids, on the grounds of basic compatibility.

I never wanted children at all, was dead against it, (changed my mind at 36), been with hubby 20 years and been all over the world, have a great career and great life together. The thing I hated most was the insinuation that I wasn’t a complete person / hadn’t experienced life properly yet etc. It drove me crazy. People are so patronising.

Also always having to be the one who ran around after everyone / went out of my way / did the travelling etc etc.

The best thing someone ever said to me was a dad who just said, if you do have kids you won’t ever regret it, if you don’t ever have kids then you won’t have any idea what you’re missing anyway so just enjoy your life. He’s right. It’s not for everyone and that’s totally fine.

Now I have my son I’m really mindful of my friends who don’t have children. I also try not to talk about him all the time, even though it is literally all I do in my life right now haha.

Also FYI I was more tired before I had my son as I went to bed at stupid times, was up at the crack of dawn for work and my brain was used far more than it is now.

Now I got to bed early and faff about all day haha so I have lots of sympathy for people without kids! Life is tiring regardless.

Years ago I once had the "you'd be a good Mum". I said there is more to being a mother than making cakes and doing craft and I'd rather make and eat my own cakes.

The best thing someone ever said to me was a dad who just said, if you do have kids you won’t ever regret it, if you don’t ever have kids then you won’t have any idea what you’re missing anyway so just enjoy your life.

That was obviously meant kindly and I'm glad it helped you but, to me, it's just another variant of "You're not complete without kids" plus the myth that no one regrets having them, which is untrue. Quite a lot of people do have regrets: about 10% of parents in most anonymous surveys - so about 4 million adults in the UK.

I’ve lost a lot of friends over this. I can technically have children but due to a spinal issue having one would basically mean I couldn’t move so we chose not to. However I’ve been called selfish, lazy, the continual ‘you don’t understand’ comments, if I ‘really’ wanted them i would, I don’t live in the ‘real world’. The list goes on. Some people I barely know at work also make comments.

I have a colleague who has a toddler, forever moaning about how difficult life is, how knackered he is etc. He hankers after his old 'free' life.

I'm childless after many heartbreaking years of trying, fertility treatment, followed by relationship break up. Throughout it all, I've found solace in enjoying my freedom through travelling.

Every time I travel somewhere, colleague sighs and goes 'Oh it's so UNFAIR you get to go on all these fun holidays'.

Fuck. Off.

@StCharlotte - which loving mum do you think they had in mind? Rose West?

Happy to follow the goose

I don't think saying "you don't know what you're missing" is that insulting - it's a fact, I don't. I also don't know what I'm missing because I've never been into team sports, never skydived, never wanted to get a dog/cat - but I also don't want to know. Not interested!

It depends how it's said @ItIsWhatItIsInnit

I do agree, but the context was right. Not a patronising ‘oh you don’t know what you’re missing it’s amazing’ type thing. Someone said to me recently that ‘I don’t know what I’m missing’ because I’ve never had a dog and have no desire to ever have a dog, ever in my life. I’m sure it wonderful but I still don’t want one.

Childfree people can never be asked about their decision not to have kids?

That's right. Never ask why someone doesn't have children. For some people, it isn't a choice and such questions could upset them. Regardless of this, it's simply nobody else's business.

People with kids can never be asked about their decision to have them?

Given that abortion is completely free and legal in this country, we can reasonably assume that the reason someone has children is because they chose to. Because they wanted to. No further explanation needed.

The most inappropriate and indeed cruel thing ever said to me was by a friend of my husband who has the view everyone should have children. I'd just had a hysterectomy, (just at 37) and she said "Don't you regret not having had children earlier because now you can't". Now hubby and I had decided not to have children due to my health problems, so a hysterectomy was not a problem. In fact it was a blessing as it freed my life in many ways. However her comment was just so off, especially as she didn't know my full history. I couldn't believe anyone would say that ever.

I think posters have got it well covered

I think the most surprising comment came from a colleague who I had thought was nice. She said “you don’t want kids? But I thought you were a caring person?”

More comments from men with “you’ll change your mind”.

Occasionally someone tells me “you don’t have a family” which confuses me a lot.

I do now tell people “you might change your mind” if they tell me they want kids. I can’t resist

I have DCs, but would never ask another adult why they don't have them. It is through choice, or an unchosen situation that cannot be changed. It is not a necessity to have DCs and none of my business. I don't understand why some people have a need to question others so much.

If my DC do not want DCs or are unable to have them I hope society has moved on so they don't receive stupid questions. Hopefully it is moving in that direction!

It's a different kind of tired with kids. But it's one I chose so I can hardly complain about it and expect child free women (by choice or not) to sympathise or feel bad that they're enjoying their lives differently. Such a pointless us vs them mentality. I don't see all child free women in the same homogeneous group - same goes for mothers.

I also didn't feel love like i do now before kids. Nor pain, anxiety or sadness. Everything has been turned up a notch, which I wouldn't really wish on anyone.

I think mothers say all this to justify their own decisions, it's nothing about you, so to say you're selfish somehow is pretty bloody hypocritical.

Sorry people are such dicks.

I can't believe people still ask this kind of stuff. Weird.

St.Charlotte who wrote this maudlin piece of nonsense?