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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

407 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 26/08/2019 09:19

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

OP posts:
ABmumof3 · 27/08/2019 17:52

I find it rude. I have kids that was my choice I would never question someone else choices it’s their life so let them live it. But so many people with kids just assume everyone wants the same as them

user2345 · 27/08/2019 18:01

Before I had mine, my own “D”M actually said in all seriousness that it was a cruel twist of fate that my DSister was the one with a terminal illness as she would be leaving 2 DCs motherless whereas I wouldn’t be missed so badly.

And she wonders why I went NC.

BetterEatCheese · 27/08/2019 18:04

I got all this prior to my daughter, now I get 'you only have one, it's not really the same as having [insert number]'

IAmALazyArse · 27/08/2019 18:05

hoards of smug mummies coming on it telling us why we're all wrong for wanting to be child-free

You have a very low opinion about Mumsnetters.

There was literally just thread pulled by MN asking why are we on MN😂 With someone going in a sense of "hint is in the name'

M2B19 · 27/08/2019 18:16

I was asked by my now FIL if I would be having children once we were married (we’d been together 9 years at this point) to which I replied ‘I’m not sure’ his response was to ask me ‘what’s the point of getting married then?’ As if no one can get married purely for love or just to be together, it must automatically equal procreation. I asked him if he’d have the same question if it was impossible for me to have children or if those that can’t have children should not be allowed to marry? He soon shut up.
Consequently three years on we are expecting our first child but I don’t understand what the rush is or the preconceived notion that you must be trying for children almost as soon as you’ve got together. Everything happens at the right time, I wanted to travel and buy a house first which is what we did. That’s not to say those that have children first are in the wrong either though. Each to their own.

Directionless2019 · 27/08/2019 18:26

I am childless (sorry I can't stand 'childfree'). I've had some horrible comments due to thoughtless people - not always aimed directly at me but often in group conversations when they're well aware I'm childless.

  • No purpose (so what do I do about that. I can't physically have children).
  • You'd be a great mum (thanks for that but I still can't physically have kids).
  • They must have no kids - no life (so my life isn't worth as much as yours and is classed as no life). *Two types of women in the workplace. Mothers and career driven bitches (so I'm a bitch? Thanks).
  • You don't know tiredness (So 15 years of horrific insomnia with around 3-4 hours sleep and 70+hour working weeks isn't tiredness. Wow!)
  • You should adopt (Yeah because it's THAT easy).
  • You should... You should... (I know my options thanks).
  • You're going on holiday alone? I could never do that! (So I never go on holiday as it's seen as weird?)

I think it simply comes down to a lack of thought when speaking. Know your audience!

Tessabelle74 · 27/08/2019 18:29

I think it's bloody admirable in a world where it seems to be a woman's "purpose" to have children to admit you don't want any. I happily share memes about how shit parenting is with my childless friends who laugh like drains! It's really insensitive to mention childlessness anyway in my opinion just in case it isn't by choice

StCharlotte · 27/08/2019 18:42

AsTheWorldTurns

Someone on a local Facebook page (need I say more?!) recommending their friend's cake making business.

Actually I developed a pretty glib response to the questions...

Them: Do you have children?
Me: Nope. Tried. Failed. Booked another holiday.

Usually kills the conversation dead.

Thistimetomorrow · 27/08/2019 18:51

My 2 Dsis said that because me and my other child free Dsis had more time/no responsibilities we should take on the bulk of looking after our mum who had mental health/alcohol issues.

OJZJ · 27/08/2019 19:04

Another one for the people telling me that I would grow up if I had a child.... I adopted in my 40s.... I still haven't grown up I am just the eldest in the room and knacker more easily than the Duracell bunny I call son!

Not so much what people have said but the constantly feeling obliged to look after other people's kids to "give them a break..."
I must admit I was so stupid I even cancelled a festival because I agreed to look after someone's kids not realising it clashed and she went so bloody batcrap at me I actually gave the tickets to someone else so I could look after her kids as "how else would she work"... obviously in my early 20s and my work colleague so didn't want to rock the boat at the time but by hell I regret it now.

MrsMc2019 · 27/08/2019 19:04

I'm not childfree by choice but I'd never question someone who made that decision. I'm not sure if I'll have my own DC as I had a heartbreaking loss earlier this year and I turn 40 next year.

Of all the comments sent my way I find "you'll understand when you're a mother" hurts the most. In my eyes I am a mother I just didn't get to hold my little one.

Blueoasis · 27/08/2019 19:11

I'm childless by choice too and to be honest, I'm rude to parents as they are rude to me.

Anytime they whine about being tired and I don't understand blah blah, I just remind them that they chose to have the kids. It's their fault. Didn't have to have them, could have kept having lie ins. Grin

My family used to try to force me to babysit their brats (which is probably what made me refuse to ever have children) and I would refuse to babysit. They would try to guilt me into it saying that they were on holiday and deserved a break. I would just go, you chose to have them not me. Look after your own kids. You want help? Pay for it.

Tend not to get bored to death on topics about kids now as I lack all sympathy. You know what having children entails, they are hard work and it's constant from when you give birth until you die. Constant tiredness, worrying, lacking money, stress etc. No thanks. Grin

OJZJ · 27/08/2019 19:12

Bettereatcheese oh god I get that too!
One woman in my son's class who is always in the park mouthing off in an affected plum in the mouth voice when as common as they come.... telling me I don't know the meaning of the word tired as I ONLY have one! .... I did remind her she had a very hands on husband and a fit and active father AND a twenttwo year old daughter who doesn't work all living with her and sharing the the burden, were as I was a single parent to a disabled child who had the child 24/7 with no partner/ex partner or grandparents to give any respite but it fell on deaf ears....she also gave me a lecture on adoption and how could I possibly love someTHING that wasnt mineHmm.... I could have swung for her that day

WombleishOfThigh · 27/08/2019 19:12

@MrsMc2019 That must be a kick in the teeth, I'm so sorry Thanks

This is another one of the many reasons why people should keep their opinions to themselves Angry

Pawsandnoses · 27/08/2019 19:15

What are all these people with no kids doing on 'mums'net. It's a mum's sanctuary, where she can complain about how tired she is and blame it all on her offspring (& not work or the gin) 😉😂

toxic44 · 27/08/2019 19:16

Worst I've had was, 'What do you know about being a woman - you haven't even had a child.' The pitying stares, the 'Aah, never mind!' the deliberate cuddling of their offspring coupled with sidelong glances at me. It was a mutual decision to be childfree and it was the best for us. I've seen so many people cut to ribbons by their children that I'm very happy with what we agreed.

manicmij · 27/08/2019 19:18

I often wonder why so many people do have children. There seems to be endless woes about childcare, the guilt of leaving children with carers, the cost of childcare, the behaviour of children of all ages, the costs of what older children demand/expect, housing to accommodate children, the best schools and goodness knows what else. Anyone with an ounce of sense wouldn't have children unless they knew they could afford to meet all of the needs guilt free.

Ilfie · 27/08/2019 19:39

Probably asking the wrong person, I was an old but naturally/lucky mother- but to be honest having reached 40 I was ok with it re if it happened it would happen- wouldn’t have gone down the ivf route as if it’s not meant to be.... and being so old. I have many friends- from childhood/work who keep asking me questions about-.. can a woman only be real if she has a child? Crazy and absolutely no! You just have a slightly different life not an unfulfilled life - I would have been quite happy with that!

Tessabelle74 · 27/08/2019 19:40

manicmij
Anyone with an ounce of sense wouldn't have children unless they knew they could afford to meet all of the needs guilt free

If humans waited until that happened we'd be extinct! Parenting is full of guilt, millionaires will be feeling guilty about working to earn it!

LouH1981 · 27/08/2019 20:04

I used to be a criminal defence solicitor and it required being on an on call rota to attend the police station during evenings and weekends.
When it came to Christmas, those of us without children were always put down for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day as if our day was less important because we weren’t parents. The fact that I still wanted to spend it with family (young nieces, nephews and at that time a terminally ill father) was apparently irrelevant.
As far as I was concerned we had all signed up for the job understanding the demands and expectations.
I now have a son (4) and for various reasons no longer do that job but I still believe it was an unfair assumption.

LouH1981 · 27/08/2019 20:07

@Pawsandnoses 😂😂😂😂 I’m soooo so tired! (preggers and have a 4 yr old)

MollyMinniesMum · 27/08/2019 20:25

I can relate to so many of these. If you don’t have children you can’t possibly be happy, won’t have anyone to look after you when you’re old, must be devastated etc etc, actually, no I’m good thanks ☺️

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 27/08/2019 20:47

@moonandstars35 yes, I have. I was hurt, but now just see it as a handy arsehole detector

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 27/08/2019 20:54

I do often feel for the parents on one child and the constant use of the word "only" and "just one" as if you haven't done your bit for humanity. It's really insulting to the child. They aren't "only" they are a wonderful unique human being.

jennymanara · 27/08/2019 21:01

What truly gets on my tits is the assumption that those of us without children have nothing in our lives to make us tired except work.

Yes I used to hate that. The most tired I have ever been was when I was working full time and caring for an ill relative that at the time needed a lot of care. It almost broke me.