Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

[lastqueenofscotland]

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

@Tmnmpa1 i think i relate to you a lot - I always said i didn't want them because i was scared to say i did as well! Partly because of something horrible said to me when i was younger and also because of anxiety i've always had about not being allowed to be happy. Recently i started to admit to people that we were trying - one friend with kids already has several times reminded me how i said i didn't want to. Like i'm not allowed to change my mind? or have a reason for saying that previously? also i don't remember her constantly saying she did want kids. Now i feel we are struggling to conceive, it's a friend i definitely don't feel like i can talk to about it.

"Why not?" in answer to "No, I don't have children". No-one ever questions a parent's decision to have kids, do they? Or suggest they'll change their mind? Or that they might regret it when they're older?

And yet I've had all of this and so. much. more. My particular favourite was "You don't know what love is until you've had a child". My response that they must have lived a pretty loveless, awful existence prior to children was, apparently, unfair

I'll tell you the most hurtful comment though:

Oh, we just met up with the kids.

This from a group of old friends, who I've known for absolutely donkey's years and who have all, one by one, had children. Great, I'm genuinely pleased for them, especially the ones who've struggled with infertility or other problems. But they've gradually formed a new group which is made up of exactly the same people...except me. I've seen photographs of them on FB doing the same things as we used to do but with the children - obviously - in tow. When I've mentioned that I didn't realise they were going to the pub garden for the afternoon, or meeting up for a coffee with one of the group who was back in the area for the afternoon, I get "Oh, we just met up with the kids". No you didn't, you met up with each other and your kids just happened to be there, unless you all actually sat separately and ignored each other while the children (several of which are still only babies) interacted together. You just didn't invite me because you only want to socialise with other parents now.

I can totally understand not inviting a non-parent to, say, soft play but to be excluded from just sitting in a pub garden because I don't have kids and they do? It's incredibly hurtful.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh my childfree uncle committed suicide 15 years ago and every single member of my extended family were immensely effected! I get that if he's had kids they would have probably felt it differently to us but he is no less missed because he didn't have children.

My experience of my job is the same as my colleagues as it is the same job.

Sorry, but that's very naive.

I’ve had all the usual questions and statements mentioned in this thread thrown at me by my DM (of all people!). I’ve told her I don’t know how many times over the years that I don’t want to have kids and she still occasionally does things like put my DH on the spot with the question ‘But wouldn't you like to have children, (DH’s name)?’ as if his thoughts and opinions are going to trump mine or that he will suddenly say (after 10 years!) that he has been desperate to become a Father but I have been holding him back all these years with my ‘selfishness’! 🙄 Then she’ll say something like, ‘Well, having children isn’t for everybody ‘ as if to say I’d be a crap Mother anyway! You just can’t win (and for the record, I think I’d be a great parent - I just don’t want to be one!).

You'll change your mind when you meet the right man.
You don't know what you're missing!
There will be no-one to look after you when you're old, you know.
How selfish of you.
Is it because you've got, you know, problems conceiving......?
But everybody has kids, don't they?
There's loads more, I'm sure you heard them all.

I also used to get the lecture when I dared to complain about being tired. I just wanted to scream 'I'm disabled and every step or movement is pain, you moron' at them.

I just don't understand why people, who are probably just making conversation, think they can then go right on to commenting or questioning you on such a personal issue.

I have had comments like this from a couple of men, but it is mostly women. I'm past childbearing age now and it's a relief not to experience interference like this any more. I have two fabulous step-kids and I love seeing them doing well and making their own choices. I only want them to be happy and do what is right for their own futures.

It’s been insinuated that I care too much about fitting in to skinny jeans and having nice things in my non-child friendly house to be a mother. I am not a real, worthy woman. I also know nothing about children... I have been a teacher for decades so I not only get them, I also enjoy their company immensely. Kids are fab but I am happy being child free.

I used to hate holiday shifts people expected me to work Xmas day Boxing Day new year Easter because I had no kids and they did my answer was erm no u choose to have kids the same way I choose not to.

Although I'm a mother now I would still expect the same I'll work as much as someone with no kids having kids dosnt give u any more entitlement.

I’m child free (NOT childless) by choice. I never wanted to be a parent because I wasn’t particularly keen on children even when I was one myself.

I have been told since I was a teenager that I would change my mind when I was older. For many years, I humoured people who said this while silently thinking “we’ll see about that...”

Eventually, as I realised I wouldn’t be changing my mind, I started to find such comments somewhat tiresome. When one particular person said it once too often I replied “I bet you £10,000 I don’t, and I am completely serious”. I then eyeballed her and held out my hand. She didn’t take the wager, for some reason.

The rude comments stopped after that. I can’t imagine why....

@FishinthePerculator, did you take an interest in her pregnancy, or post birth? Or in your DN? It's very hurtful to have someone ignore your child/ren. Or one of the most important times in your life.

"However I’ve been frank and asked them directly if they wanted them, and if there was anything holding them back." "How patronising"

That's nothing compared to the quizing and judgement you get if you decide you do want children and are younger/renting/min wage. Likewise if you decide to be a SAHM.

Likewise as said, if you have one child and you're surrounded by multiple child Mothers.

Okay so all the nasty responses to my comment.

Childfree people can never be asked about their decision not to have kids?

People with kids can never be asked about their decision to have them?

We all just walk on eggshells in case of offence?

"My advice, get a good job, maybe a husband, a dog and a horse"

Which just goes to show that we're all willing to give unasked for advice, childfree or not.

A Husband, horse or dog isn't for me. I used to have a dog but now my children are Adults, I'd rather not have that commitment. I'm happily single (please spare me from the smug married types).

Childfree people can never be asked about their decision not to have kids? People with kids can never be asked about their decision to have them?

My decision to be childfree isn’t your business or anyone else’s although many have felt free over the years to demand I justify my choice. Similarly, it isn’t your place to check that your friends have thought their decision through. That implies that you know their minds better than they do, which, as I stated, is patronising. I think I said fucking patronising actually, which it is.

I have never heard or heard of any parent being asked their reasons for having children but this doesn’t stop them demanding to know why the childfree have chosen not to with monotonous regularity.

@Longlongsummer there is asking and there is "are you sure? Why? Is something stopping you? I just don't want you to regret it"
Really does sound like "I don't think you know what you are doing"

Tbh I never actually even thought to look at person who says "I want a baby" and ask "why?". Let alone "Are you sure? Is it a positive choice? I just don't want you to regret it, ya know"🤷

So your friends don’t ask any questions about your major life choices and if they did ‘it would be none of their fucking business?’

I’m glad my friendships are deeper and more challenging than yours.

I’ve been asked about my life choices, including having kids. I was asked because they cared. I asked because I cared. Sometimes adults do care enough it’s not all about judgement.

@Cannyhandleit I don't think that any of us has a right to say who is more or less affected by a death (grief vultures excepted). I know in my own experience dealing with my husband's death was a magnitude more horrendous that dealing with my mothers death or, indeed, my four miscarriages.

It is a dreadful experience that your family went through. I'm sorry.

This is not acquaintances. I get that. I’d never go up to someone I didn’t know well!

Childfree people can never be asked about their decision not to have kids?

This happens all the time and can open up some very nasty emotional wounds.

People with kids can never be asked about their decision to have them?

Does this happen?

Yes but I think the nasty comments directed at me are misinterpreting close friendship and judgement from acquaintances.

My close friends have asked me whether the timing / circumstances/ decision to have kids were okay. I had a child in my early 40s and have been judged a lot for that. But my close friends asked if I wanted it etc as well as work colleagues (I got asked was it planned by my boss!). My colleagues / acquaintances questions I found intrusive and judgey.

My close friends comments came out of a long warm respectful friendship and were welcome. It made me think. One of my closest friends did tell me she regretted not having kids. She felt a bit betrayed by feminism she said, she felt that she had not questioned her own decision not to have kids, and almost like she was letting down her lesbian relationship at the time if she admitted it. She knows really it was her own responsibility to own her own choice. But it is a time limited big choice and can be tough for many women to make that call. Not all, but some.

I do take the point that women are judged more for being childfree and asked questions by non friends in a judgemental well. Well not questions I think, just judged by comments. At least questions are a sign of some openness and curiosity. Saying ‘you will regret it’ or ‘couldnt you conceive’ are obviously really offensive.

However I do think as a whole women get judged for anything outside the norm of child rearing stereotypes. That includes older parents, single parents, childless, unmarried, main earner etc etc

Wow I really am stunned by some of the things I've read on here! People who spout this bollocks ("if you don't have kids you're selfish... what's the point in your life...you don't understand" etc) clearly have some misguided superiority complex brought on by (one might assume) not having much else going on for them.

A favourite friend of mine has no kids. She's single. Pretty sure her weekends involve going to the gym, reading the paper over a coffee or 3, reading books, going for walks etc. That's her choice and it's a bloody good one if you ask me- obviously I don't regret having my child, but every choice has its pros and cons.

People who choose not to reproduce are doing the planet a favour. It's frankly laughable to call child free people selfish. After all, we only want kids to 'complete' us (or our cosy little families) don't we? Why else would we do it? To annoy people in supermarkets maybe 🤔 .

There's a huge difference between being asked about your decision not to have children in the context of a life, the universe and everything conversation with a close friend; and being asked this by someone you met 10 minutes ago or a nosy colleague/family member with whom you don't share a close relationship.

@ScreamingValenta couldn’t agree more.

@Maryscary008 here to prove us all right about the competitive tiredness

Considering it was the childless colleague that was stating life was less tiring for me because I didn't work so many hours I don't see how it proves you were right

You proved it when you said...

I think it is true that if you have small children you will generally be much more exhausted than a healthy person without children. Even if you work 60 hours a week it is nothing compared with the non stop work of looking after children.

and

She was doing 1/3 more hours at work but then had three days to put her feet up.

Do you honestly think that people who don’t have children just sit around doing fuck all when they’re not at work?

Loads of ‘helpful’ observations when I was younger: in my 20s it was ‘you’ll change your mind’ plus the colleague who insisted I hold a baby that another colleague on maternity leave had brought in for a visit (I think I was supposed to have some kind of epiphany, I didn’t). In my 30s, lots of ‘oooh, you’ll regret it’ comments. Then the fairly recent one at a gynae’ appointment. The doctor asked about pregnancies and children and when I said ‘none’ she exclaimed, very dramatically, ‘my God, but this BABY has never had a baby!’ I was 42

l have friends who have children, and friends who don't. Personally, l've never felt the need (or thought it my business) to question their choices. And l appreciate it when other people don't question me about mine. lf it doesn't affect them, why ask about it?