Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

[lastqueenofscotland]

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

Miscarried in December 2013, spent the day in hospital then went back to work (had just started new job and didn't know how else to cope with MC other than to throw myself back into work). Living with sister and her 2 children so a week later, it really hit me and I spent the day in bed, away from it all. One day.
Had her screaming at me, telling me I'm lazy and should help with her children because I 'don't know how hard it is for her to cope'.
Came home from work 2 days later to her announcing she's pregnant with third child.
Abusive woman, and has beaten the shit out of me more times than I can remember (I know siblings fight but it's never been that way, I've never once hit her). She'd do it more often when pregnant, knowing I couldn't defend myself. If I did try to defend myself, I'd be accused of harming her unborn baby.

Insomniac here. I know tiredness. It shouldn’t matter/be a competition but having your feelings (or even off the cuff comments) dismissed because you’re child free can get annoying.

The majority of threads on here are nothing to to with children. Is it really that difficult to wonder why people want to read about the vast amount of things talked about on here?

BaruFisher thanks! I thought that might be the case. I’ve been on MN since 2001 and seen it grow so much in terms of topics.

What are all these people with no kids doing on 'mums'net.

And another BINGO!

From my mum -“have one & I’ll bring it up” we didn’t speak for a while after that

From mil - “as a mum you want your family together for Christmas”
Mil to us - “children are hard work. You’re doing the right thing for you” but to her other son’s wife (who does have kids) “it’s so sad they are missing out”

I was once asked by a man, on a first date no less, if I wanted kids. To which I replied that I’d never been that bothered, if it happens fine, if not also fine etc. Then he said “but don’t you want to experience being pregnant and giving birth?” Er, no, not at all thanks, that part does not appeal at all and I was so pissed off he assumed that it was something I should want!!
Being child free is either choice or circumstance, and as such, it’s nobody’s business except your own!

I was a city lawyer in my twenties so often as to do all-nighters the hours were brutal. A friend with a baby who had never worked (told me I would never experience tiredness like she had with a baby. Hmm had actually.

That said the thing that killed me with my newborn was the fear the sleep deprivation would never end. At least in a job you have some measure of control

I find competitive tiredness weird but also just competitive misery. Theres comments on this thread and the parallel thread lile it where people say how much childfree people saying they are tired annoys them.

Im not saying im the most tired person that ever lived, im just saying that today i am tired! If people say, me too i didnt sleep cos of children or someother child related anecdote i might side eye but under stand the sentiment. Its when people say that i couldnt possibly be tired, dont know what tired is etc.

Its not a competition, can people only say they feel tired if they are the sleepiest in the office? More than one person can be tired

Ive got a condition that causes chronic pain, when someone says they have hurt them self then i dont tell them that im in more pain and they cant possibly be in as much pain as me. We can both sit together and be in pain. Their pain is as valid as my pain, and doesnt detract from mine.

I'm done with trying to justify why I'm tired to annoying parents. In fact, these days I just don't bother to mention it.

The comments I particularly find are the ones about how not everyone is cut out to be a parent, like we are some lesser being. We're not. It's just either a different lifestyle choice or circumstance.

Ive just read a thread about dogs that contains some of the most vile humans on MN and have come to the conclusion that I prefer dogs to humans anyway

Oh I see we reached full house here overnight!!!

Oh yes that “it’s not for everyone” does sometimes feel a bit superior.

men never seem get it levelled at them though

As a childfree by choice man, I can assure you we do.

I've had everything from "you just haven't met the right woman" to "if you don't change your mind you're going to be an old lonely man" through to "you must be a naturally selfish person".

But my favourite was when I did some online dating. On Plenty of Fish I selected the tick boxes to say I didn't have children and didn't want children. I only ever messaged people with the same options. I had women message me saying things like "you look really nice, like the sound of your profile and think we'd get on really well. But I want children. Wouldn't you reconsider for the right person?" I replied, politely, that if they wanted children then they wouldn't be the right person and how would they feel if I sent them a message saying "you look really nice, like the sound of your profile and think we'd get on really well. But I don't want children. Would you reconsider and not have children for the right person?" Didn't expect to hear from her again at all but three days later she replied. And fair play to her. She said "I am so sorry. Your reply made me realise what a stupid thing I said to you. Of course I wouldn't like someone saying that to me so why on earth did I do the same thing to you? Really sorry".

But then I would also get messages from women I hadn't messaged saying "Fuck off you player. All decent women want children, so you're clearly just here to get laid and mess women around".

Charming.

Re. not knowing what tiredness is, I have worked nights, 3 jobs etc. in the past but I have never been tired to the point of being physically sick, dizzy, shaking, having delusional thoughts until having children. I do get peed off when my friends who don't have gruelling jobs/hours complain about being tired. A friend recently complained about going on 2 hols in succession being hard work and she was so

I actually understand this. Especially with the jet lag the different beds, the funny flight times. The strange food. Dehydration.

I have felt equally tired from holidays, as I have with a newborn and as a trainee teacher. All an experience though.

It's the "proper love you can only feel for your child" a nature's defence mechanism for the baby so the mother doesn't eat it?
We used to bread rabbits🙈 They often lacked that....

Without wanting to be shot down, no offence intended, but why do childfree people go on Mumsnet?

Because it is one of the very few female centred websites where women can talk about just about everything.
Most of the topics are not about children.

All these mothers turning up with their thoughts is just like when men turn up on feminism threads.

You can't win I have children but have no desire for Grandchildren. Say this and you are met with pretty much the same responses as women who do not want children get.

@frami oh yes! My mum moaned that some friends are doing this to her🙄
It's not like she could se GC often anyway with the distances between us...

PancakeAndKeith That’s offensive on so many levels but particularly towards mothers and men!

So this thread is not actually an open discussion, it is exclusive to childfree women from what you’re saying. Shame but never mind.

I'm also childfree by choice and my colleagues in my last job, all of whom were older than me, had kids and thought it was weird I didn't have or want children. They told me i'd change my mind, even though I'm in my mid-thirties and I've known for years that I don't want kids. They also couldn't understand why I was tired all the time as I didn't have children (I have fibromyalgia). I'd just laugh it off and say I was happy being an auntie to any kids my brother had or whatever, but it got annoying. I'm not going to ask to have my tubes tied as I know doctors will refuse.

@frami My mum used to get asked in her last job if I was ever going to give her grandchildren. One, she doesn't care whether she has them or not, and two, I also have a brother. Who likes kids. But no-one asks, "Why hasn't PhilSwagielka's brother had kids yet?"

twitter.com/DBeasleyHarling/status/1166373336336797696

Hope the link works. A very topical discussion here on the tiredness issue. It's the smugness of DBH's post that really grates with me - and the assumption that parenting is something that everyone will experience.

...And another reference to people without children being selfish there too.

PancakeAndKeith That’s offensive on so many levels but particularly towards mothers and men! So this thread is not actually an open discussion, it is exclusive to childfree women from what you’re saying. Shame but never mind.

Actually, I think Pancake was spot on. Certainly those with children are free to post but perhaps we just get a bit fed up with them feeling the need to post the same predictable old tripe on every thread like this.

Considering the wide range of topics that MN covers, the minority of which are directly centred on children and parenthood, it demonstrates a distinct lack of imagination to think that it’s a website that would only be relevant to parents.

The tiredness issue is so weird. If I say I’m tired and a mother said oh me too, I was up with the baby, I would sympathise. I don’t see why we would need to know definitively which of us was most tired?

People don’t do it with anything else like thirst, hunger, an itch, an injury. Everyone is tired, there will always be someone more tired than you and with a ‘better’ reason to be tired. However, tired is not a finite resource, there’s more than enough to go around!

I wish everyone would just be a bit nicer (feel like the girl from mean girls who ‘doesn’t even go here’ now 🤣).

I'm on here for the Chalet School threads, if it helps. I love the CBB, but it's nice to have somewhere where I can snark the books AND swear without feeling like I'm treading on people's toes or having defensive Joey/Mary-Lou fans get on my case.