Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

[lastqueenofscotland]

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

do you have kids?!

I went back to work after having my DCs, for financial reasons, and employed a nanny. My so-called best friend, who is child free, commented 'Why have DC if you are not going to look after them yourself?' She also said that my DC did not respect me. I was so hurt. We still see each other occasionally but I haven't felt the same about her since.

@BrightYellowDaffodil I know exactly what goes on in my best friends lives actually. I am not saying no one can be tired without children I was just referring to the people I know who have 9-5 jobs and a good nights sleep every night.

Friend who went on hol went on one european beach holiday and then a european cruise so no jet lag! It isn't that it's a competition, it's just that I would love to go on a weeks beach holiday and I am not exactly going to say 'aww you poor thing, must be so hard having 2 holidays'.

I don't get annoyed at my sister saying she's tired for example because I know how hard she works and how tough her job is or friends that look after loved ones. It's only the people I know who have it easy.

I wouldn't complain about things that I have that that I know other people don't have because it is insensitive. I don't complain about being tired myself to people, only to my family. I would never complain about being tired to someone I knew was ill/grieving/looking after someone etc. and would be extremely sympathetic towards them.

The fact is, I would have been annoyed with most these comments about being childless before having children and complained about being tired myself but after having children I understood why people get annoyed with the tiredness thing and could appreciate the different kind of love thing, not that I think it is a love everyone needs to experience but I could appreciate what people said. That being said I obviously don't think you need to tell people these things at random but when someone has asked me about having children who is unsure I will tell them these things.

@lazyarse that's not safe for children

pretty sure most parents have experienced this especially with physical and mental health problems that come with childbirth. I had medical intervention and my children are great thanks

I would prob use mumsnet more if I didn't have kids because I would have time to do so!

I would prob use mumsnet more if I didn't have kids because I would have time to do so

You lot just can't stop, can you!

Even with that explanation, I don’t understand the tiredness thing. I have no children and I get tired. My husband has no children and gets tired. People with children are tired. Old people are tired. Ill people are tired. Carers are tired. How do we measure it? We can’t because it’s what each person feels.

If I say I’m tired and someone else says they are also tired, I don’t start a competition, I just sympathise. If a friend is tired from a holiday I wouldn’t ridicule it or say it’s her choice etc, the same as I wouldn’t if a mother tells me they are tired from being up all night with a baby.

Why do parents have to be THE MOST tired, THE MOST busy, THE MOST stressed. It creates barriers between people where there doesn’t need to be any and breeds bad feeling.

Everyone is tired for different reasons, some are a choice, some are not. Someone always has it better than you and someone always has it worse than you. So are we never allowed to feel anything?

A woman tired from being up all night with a baby can’t feel tired because a woman somewhere has been up with twins. Someone somewhere else has a disability and twins and a toddler.

We can’t be happy we bought a new house because someone has a better house. Someone else has a better house and a holiday home and a camper van.

It’s ridiculous. Everyone is tired/gets tired and my sympathies to anyone tired today for ANY reason!

sorry, I see your point but I think what I mean is I would be sensitive to the person's situatuation who I was talking to.

So I wouldn't complain about being 'broke' after a holiday to a friend who I know is a lot more hard-up and can't afford a holiday in the first place for example.

Right, so as I said then, no one should complain about anything.

Right, so as I said then, no one should complain about anything.

...and so parents should never complain about anything child-related because the person they’re complaining to might long for kids & be unable to have them....

Exactly @EmpressLesbianInChair also it was their choice to have children, so they shouldn’t complain about being tired because what if the person they’re talking to, or a person who hears them, or reads their post, has a disability which makes them tired through no fault of their own 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree! I actually do have a daughter now but when I was child free I felt so looked down on my people who had children like I was immature and just wasn't as important as them. Used to really piss me off!!!

Shall MN just shut the site down then?😂 Since complaining about anything basically shouldn't be allowed because there is always someone who has it worse? 😂

Dear god. I will moan about being tired when I feel tired. The fact that I haven't utilised my uterus does not have any bearing on whether I can say I am tired or not. And I will continue to sympathise with people when they say they feel tired no matter what reason, because tiredness sucks. Pretty dickish to turn it into "But you are not as tired as me, so you shouldn't complain" imho

@IAmALazyArse - might as well! 🤣

Exactly, I don’t understand how someone would not be able to empathise with you being tired and also a mother who is tired. Empathy, tiredness, any feeling, is not finite. I feel for people all the time, sometimes because of things which are their own fault, sometimes tiny, insignificant things, sometimes big, life-changing events. Everyone has the right to discuss/vent/complain about their life/situations/feelings. It’s not a competition.

I’m tired now, my own fault, other people are tired because they’re ill, disabled, have children, are carers, were in hospital with a loved one etc and I’m sorry about that and I sympathise, I still feel tired though. I still have a terrible headache, I’m very thirsty, I’m finding it hard to concentrate etc. Someone else being tired because of a ‘better’ reason doesn’t stop me feeling those things.

That’s offensive on so many levels but particularly towards mothers and men!

Oh don’t be soft.
What so many posters on here are saying is the way that childfree women are so often told that we don’t understand stuff like love, or being tired or fulfilment or joy because we don’t have children. Then someone comes along and posts something like ‘well it is a different kind of love.’
It’s like a thread with women complaining about sexual harassment and then a man posting that it’s ‘not all men’ and some women like it.

I had the opposite! I work with young children but when I decided to have a child (mid 30s) everyone, including my parents were shocked. I was asked a lot if I was sure it was the right thing for me.
Admittedly I had until this point said I would never have children

i think you are all getting mn confused with real life. On mumsnet people say what that want and are insesitive because you never have to face these people in real life.

In real life people are generally considerate of other people's experiences and situations or at least acknowledge them ie. 'I know what you are going through must be much harder but...'

I do get that childless women do get judged or pitied. I did before I had children. Both of which are assumptions. And that women with children can sometimes hog the whole it’s hard for me / more tiring line.

However there has to be some middle ground where we mothers can connect and share, question and support each other? Which means sometimes putting our foot in it on both sides but if it comes from wanting to understand or share, isn’t that okay?

I meant we mothers and childless people! I just feel sad that there is often a dividing line. There shouldn’t be.

In real life people are generally considerate of other people's experiences and situations or at least acknowledge them ie. 'I know what you are going through must be much harder but

Except, here are 13 pages of people telling you about their real life experiences and you're dismissing them and saying "nope, not true".

when did I ever say they weren't true?

i just shared my own experience

In my experience many of my childless friends have been judged to be too career driven, less caring, less ‘soft’, or pitied. I’d say they had a harder time overall than those of us who had children and got a lot more positive attention.

Around age 40 there was a tricky time with some of my friends, as some desperately wanted kids and couldn’t cope with friends who had. Or others who chose not to have children, got intolerant of those with kids and there was a tricky time when they also felt that they had to do accommodate their friends kids too often.

@PutsFootInIt - in fairness, you didn't say "In my experience, in real life people are generally considerate of other people's experiences..." - you just said "In real life people are generally considerate of other people's experiences and situations or at least acknowledge them ie. 'I know what you are going through must be much harder but...'" - which could easily be seen as you saying that you don't believe the people who have posted their accounts of people who haven't been considerate or acknowledged other people's experiences/situations.

I am sure this is not what you meant to imply, but I can see how others have read it that way.

Can I just say that I have never said anything shit to people who don't have kids?? You don't know whether someone is childless as in nothing worked and they were too old/young, fat/thin didnt want to adopt. Or just enjoying the life they had and suiting themselves. Missing the point a bit here I know!! Some people will be horrible narrow minded twats whatever the discussion!!

@Proudofmynane - for what it’s worth I definitely don’t think all parents say terrible things to childless/childfree people and some childfree/less people have said awful things to me as well (because I’m petfree). I think this thread is just running on so long because while not every parent has been nasty, every (that I know or have spoken to) childfree/less person has had nasty things said to them by parents and I think people are hoping parents will see the things that hurt/upset/annoy/anger us and stop doing it if they’re one of those people.

It won’t happen though. People will always be nasty about other people. You can never do anything right so you might as well just make yourself happy 🤷🏻‍♀️

No kids - selfish
One kid - selfish for not having a sibling
Two kids - bet you wish one was a boy/girl
Three kids - you’re killing the planet
Breastfeed - weird/flashing your boobs/do it in private
Formula feed - terrible for not breastfeeding
Work - poor abandoned kids
Don’t work - leach

Honestly no matter who you are and what you do, it’s wrong!