Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

[lastqueenofscotland]

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

Proudofmynane same. Where I work I think only about 20% of us have kids and I listen with envy to some of the younger people being exhausted at work because they had a good night the night before. For instance. I also work with a woman with ME who is much 'tireder' than me. I have no recollection whatsoever of anybody feeling a superior level of tiredness to anybody else. Likewise whilst talking to childfree people I don't feel as though I shouldn't mention I am a mother and that I did have a concern about my child. We're all equal and we're all different.

TheUltimateGoober I guess you could say that about all love though? Love for a partner is definitely biological as it is for a sibling or parent. I'm not sure how it is with love for a friend or colleague but I'm sure there's a selfish gene in there somewhere. I am a mother and I don't think that my love for my daughter is stronger than my love for my husband or my closest friend but it is different. Personally I think it's more a sense of absolute responsibility, especially when a child is young. It can actually be quite a claustrophobic feeling rather than a gushy kind of love.

AwkwrightsTill you're right there about being able to do no right. In the world of work what I think has been horrible, as a parent, is not being considered for promotions / conferences / things that a more reliable non-parent would be chosen to do. On the other hand I actually do understand that from a practical point of view and I've been very fed up with some other parents I work with taking endless time off when their kids are sick and being really bolshy when called up about it. I complained about one once. My brother, a gay man with no kids, is a nurse and hasn't had a Christmas Day off for as long as I can remember now because he's not a parent and most of his colleagues are women with kids and they get priority - same as with taking a holiday in August.

I absolutely love being a parent and a sahm I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm also very lucky to feel this way.
But not everyone does and that is fine
And not everyone wants kids
And that's also fine

I do get that childless women do get judged or pitied.

Childfree, not childless please.

Do people genuinely not realise that evolution has made them feel this 'love' so that they don't yeet their offspring into a river?!

I love that. Can I steal it please?

The thing is, I get the impression that people who say things like 'you don't know love until you have a child' are actually pitying those who will never feel it.
Why?!
I just think that they are idiots who've been hijacked by by their hormones!

I honestly don't know why people say that you don't know love until you've had a child. It's more that you don't know the kind of love you feel for a child until you've had a child. You could apply it to anything specific.

But in terms of being hijacked by hormones ... watching my teenage daughter and her boyfriend, now that's a scary and intense hormone hijack

My favourite these days, when someone says something along the lines of "I hope you don't regret not having children" is to say "well, it's better than regretting having them" with a knowing smile.

I like a good row though so that wouldn't work for everyone!

@tirednhungry247 I wish there were more people in the world that had your attitude!

People commenting about other people’s choices, suggesting they will or should change their minds is soooooo rude, presumptuous and annoying.

Can’t get that worked up about families with children suggesting meeting somewhere also suitable for the children though. If you don’t do that no one has any fun because young children don’t have the skills or awareness to not be a massive nuisance if they don’t have food they recognise, enough sleep, something to do etc.

‘Sleep when the baby sleeps’ 😂

@LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD - I think you want this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3675293-comments-that-friends-with-no-kids-make-about-parenting

Though I’m not sure what’s so funny about that, whenever I’ve been sick of people asking why I don’t have kids and flippantly say I like my sleep I’m told I’m ridiculous because you nap when the baby naps and they all sleep through from, I’m told anywhere between, 3 months and a year. You can’t blame childfree people for believing parents when they tell us all how easy and wonderful it is and why we should have one (not that I do).

I am guilty of having said some of these things before. For that I am sorry, I would never say any of them now, I realise I was an idiot.

Except the tired one, that's just obvious.

Whoops.

To my sister ‘why don’t you get a dog?’ I mean she has a farm...

I am aghast at the person who had someone say to their loved one with oral cancer that they did not understand tiredness because they did not have kids. I have never had cancer but I understand that being seriously ill can make you absolutely exhausted.

I also understand that there is a difference between being tired because of something that lasts a few days, and a cumulative tiredness. But although parents are those who most commonly experience a cumulative tiredness, we are not the only ones. And it is stupid to claim we are.

Though I’m not sure what’s so funny about that, whenever I’ve been sick of people asking why I don’t have kids and flippantly say I like my sleep I’m told I’m ridiculous because you nap when the baby naps and they all sleep through from, I’m told anywhere between, 3 months and a year. You can’t blame childfree people for believing parents when they tell us all how easy and wonderful it is and why we should have one (not that I do).

You are absolutely right!

I was told that I would never be a good teacher if I didn't have children because I would never understand them properly. Well 22 years later still with no children I think I am quite good!

Oh and yes I do have health reasons that contributed to my decision but I have actually never wanted children of my own. I am a bloody good teach who cares deeply for the children I teach and an awesome aunt. I also get to give them back and my home is child free!

Childfree, not childless please

Childless implies there is something missing, a loss. Not to be used to describe those who have chosen not to have children as there is nothing missing from their lives.
Childfree indicates those who are free of the burden of children and probably isn't the right word to use for those who want them but are unable to have them.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh thank you! We're all different. I know it sounds daft but most of my friends don't want kids and that's totally ok. Who am I to tell them that they should?
I mentioned further down the thread that I have a friend who won't have them specifically because she has a bad temper and no patience. She says it wouldn't be fair on her or the child. I think that itself is the most selfless choice. I wish people who have kids and hurt them could've admitted this first, that's brave.

@thecatinthetwat

Except the tired one, that's just obvious.

Why is it obvious? I get less sleep than my sister with three children. Even when they were very little. A mixture of working hours, insomnia and responsibilities. It's a bit dense to imply otherwise.

I'm a mum and I've suffered from.insomnia all my life. There has been no extra level of tiredness I've ascended to as a mum. I'm at exactly the same level of soul crushing tiredness as I have been all my life! So no. The tiredness thing isn't obvious and it also pisses me off as a lifelong exhausted person.

@HunterHearstHelmsley

Ok, but people with children also have a 'mixture of working hours, insomnia and responsibilities' don't they?

It's not without exception that people with children will be more tired, but generally, it's pretty obvious that they will be.

The tiredness thing isn't obvious and it also pisses me off as a lifelong exhausted person.

So did your insomnia always co-inside with when your children were up? I'm surprised that having children up during the night and having insomnia wasn't worse. It was for me.

I find the whole competitive misery thing really weird. I'm child free (not by choice, but have long since accepted it) and when martyr mothers tell me I don't know what tired is, or make a snarky comment about having a lie in or holidays I quite happily say yes, it's fucking marvellous being able to do as I like and have the money to do so.