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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

407 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 26/08/2019 09:19

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

OP posts:
GGsMumma · 27/08/2019 21:14

I’m a mum and I always say to my child free women friends don’t do it! Love my daughter dearly but it’s a hard life!

kenandbarbie · 27/08/2019 21:21

I don't think you can win. Whatever your family situation you have thoughtless questions. As I have had ivf and non assisted conception and now have four kids and am old, I get asked if we planned our youngest, if we plan on having any more, why we had to have ivf. Basically people are just a bit rude!

ASandwichNamedKevin · 27/08/2019 21:29

@GGsMumma what an insulting thing to say, to your friends and your daughter.

PutsFootInIt · 27/08/2019 22:25

@ASandwich, I wouldn't say that is insulting. I sometimes say similar in a tongue-in-cheek way. I often say to people who say they are unsure they want kids, don't do it unless you really want to!

Re. not knowing what tiredness is, I have worked nights, 3 jobs etc. in the past but I have never been tired to the point of being physically sick, dizzy, shaking, having delusional thoughts until having children. I do get peed off when my friends who don't have gruelling jobs/hours complain about being tired. A friend recently complained about going on 2 hols in succession being hard work and she was so tired Hmm

I think age and life experience obviously plays a big part in understanding life with kids. I had no idea what I was in for before having kids as I didn't have any close friends or family with children. And I am in a very loving relationship and am very close to my family (pre kids) but I think it is fair to say it is a completely different kind of love with kids and would agree I have never felt a love so overwhelming than with my children.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/08/2019 22:42

I do get peed off when my friends who don't have gruelling jobs/hours complain about being tired.

Children or not, ‘gruelling’ job or not, you don’t get to judge how tired others are compared to you. You have no idea what goes on in the lives of other people. It’s not a fucking competition.

TrixieMixie · 27/08/2019 22:45

The ‘you don’t know what tired is til you have kids’ gets me. Someone said it when my husband had oral cancer and had to take all his nutrition through a feeding tube. I was getting up all through the night with him and getting no more than an hour or two sleep at a time, then going to work at my very tough job as someone had to pay the mortgage. I did it for love of him (but of course not the real love only mothers know, just the selfish child free pale imitation) and I’m glad I did as he’s in remission now. I have been ever so slightly tired. Obviously though my life is really easy compared to anyone who has kids.

Breastfeedingworries · 27/08/2019 22:53

Not read all this thread but making one point. In no other job will you have to work throughout the day and night with no breaks. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. So sticking up for mums, a lot of us are really tired. 😴 If someone had a care job, which was over night they’d still get the next day or night to sleep.

I found the newborn stage nearly impossible some days just because I was so tired.

Breastfeedingworries · 27/08/2019 22:54

obviously a non paid role caring for someone poorly that you love is different.

I’m sorry for your loss Trixie Flowers

Undaunted77 · 27/08/2019 22:56

Having been without children for far far longer than I’ve been with children, I’d say the main difference is that with children, there’s no escape. No matter how tired or ill or in a bad mood you are. You can’t walk out on them or ignore them. I’m not saying that people without kids are lesser beings because they don’t have that obligation, but it is something that most childless folks tend not to appreciate fully, except perhaps those who are caring for elderly or infirm parents maybe. I know I didn’t understand it when I was childless.

PancakeAndKeith · 27/08/2019 22:57

*Not read all this thread........’
Clearly not.

Hello1231 · 27/08/2019 23:00

I dont really get why people are bothered when people say about tiredness, does it really matter? I was more tired doing nightshifts to be honest than with a newborn, but I wouldn't get offended either way because who cares? I was never asked if I was having children or not to be honest, sorry some of you have to deal with such inane and dull questions, it's strange that people are so fascinated.

savingshoes · 27/08/2019 23:01

Work colleague "why don't you give your lovely man a baby?"
After finding out I was a bit older than 21 and still not a parent, another work colleague (same place) said "what's wrong?" Hand on her belly "something wrong with you?" She had genuine concern in her eyes but it was in an open office and she was oblivious to the fact that my choice was not up for discussion.
Male colleague on night out to celebrate the birth of his daughter, he brought up how his step son would soon be moving in with him "make sure you have your own won't you? I think my step son's alright but the love you have for your own... I just love my daughter. Go now, get it sorted... have a baby haha!!"

I was so pleased when I found another job.

Sedlescombe · 27/08/2019 23:17

Reading these forums is a constant reminder of just how crap and insensitive people can be 😊

IAmALazyArse · 27/08/2019 23:25

I do get peed off when my friends who don't have gruelling jobs/hours complain about being tired.
Why? Can't others be tired? You chose children. It's like choosing a cheese toastie and then be angry that a friend who ordered steak moans about it not being done right imho. It doesn't matter what you think. They feel tired. The are absolutely allowed to moan.

A friend recently complained about going on 2 hols in succession being hard work and she was so tired hmm
I get the friend. Holidays are exhausting. So much to do and see and eat. I always book a day extra to recoup.
Again, is she not allowed to say that she is tired?

but I have never been tired to the point of being physically sick, dizzy, shaking, having delusional thoughts until having children
Well that's not safe for childrenHmm
I have first 4 under my belt even without kids. 🤷

Happymum12345 · 27/08/2019 23:45

I am all for the choice of having children or not, it’s entirely up to you. However, in my humble opinion, there really is no love stronger than that of a mother & child-or father, Which is at times, completely overpowering.

Catsandchardonnay · 27/08/2019 23:53

I was told I was selfish for not having children because apparently I was required to have them so they could pay taxes to fund this cunt’s pension. I’d had a miscarriage and was undergoing fertile treatment (but I hadn’t told the cunt that).

Catsandchardonnay · 27/08/2019 23:54

*fertility treatment

IAmALazyArse · 28/08/2019 00:00

@Catsandchardonnay if he was worried about his pension he should have made his own🤷
Hope you are ok now.
I don't worry about that because there will be no pension when my time comes...

StCharlotte · 28/08/2019 00:11

there really is no love stronger than that of a mother & child-or father, Which is at times, completely overpowering.

Given the thread title, I think we have a winner Grin

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/08/2019 01:05

What a shame. This thread was going so well and then along come PutsFootInIt and breastfeedingworries to explain love and tiredness to us poor, inadequate childfree and barren bunch as we cannot possibly have fully experienced either, not having sprogged and all that. Oh look, and now Happymum has popped along to give us the benefit of her wisdom too. They just can’t help themselves can they? 🙄

dropthemic · 28/08/2019 01:41

The "you don't know tiredness until you have a child" line really grinds my gears. Sorry Susan from accounts that I dare to mention I'm tired, because clearly there is a limit to how much empathy there is in the world and I'm stealing some of it from you.
A women once told me she had no sympathy for me as she spent the first 5years of DDs (now 12) life sleepless so I don't know what I'm talking about. I'd suffered two major bereavements, my DF was in hospital with a stroke, my DH suffering from depression and me with chronic back pain and insomnia and I had the audacity to casual mention I was feeling a bit tired over lunch. It wasn't a competition, but if you don't have children you can't even start the race in some people's eyes

BaruFisher · 28/08/2019 04:55

Regarding the ‘you’ll never feel love like...’ I find this really patronising. I love my DH/ siblings and surviving parent an infinite amount. I would (and have) done anything to support them. I was the one who helped my DM nurse my DF through his final illness as my siblings had young children. I’m the one who supports my DM through her bereavement as I’m more available. This is often the role of the childless sibling whether they want to (as in my case) or are guilted into it by siblings. This means we often have an extra love and duty to look after those amongst our loved ones who need support which the parents often don’t experience as their DC have replaced their birth family and partner as top of the list.

Additionally the assumptions made about childless or childfree’s people’s time often angers me (often worse for my single child free friends than me). People think we have oodles of free time and it is all spent on frivolous things as though by not having children we are still mentally 25- we must be partying and holidaying constantly. As a middle aged woman I have all the same adult responsibilities as parents have apart from children. At 45 I’m not out clubbing until 3am (or very rarely). I’m holding down a job, supporting my family, running a house and going through a fairly hellish early menopause with its attendant night sweats, anxiety and insomnia. So yes I am tired. Yes I do know what love is and no my life is not one long party.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 28/08/2019 05:15

Without wanting to be shot down, no offence intended, but why do childfree people go on Mumsnet? I’d genuinely like to know because when I was childfree I would have had no interest in something like If anything it might be quite annoying.

I think some of the negative comments about women who don’t have children are awful. I have friends with and friends without kids and I have never felt the need to interrogate either about their choices.

I’m the mum of a teenage girl, she’s my only one. I get looks of sadness and concern that my poor dd will feel alone when me and dh are dead because she has no siblings etc. Also that she’s bound to be selfish, spoilt, unable to share etc. I just ignore most of it now.

ArkwrightsTill · 28/08/2019 05:39

BINGO!

BaruFisher · 28/08/2019 05:55

TheLittleDog- most threads here do not relate to children- AIBU/ chat/ feminism/ pets/ telly addicts etc.
Additionally I came here when ttc which didn’t work out- many others join the fertility threads. Many are teachers and enjoy the education boards.
It’s a great female dominated board- unusual in my experience of the internet.

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