Big family - should I have more kids??

[Relizeliz]

Name changed for this.

I have four sons - aged 9 - 3. I really want another baby, we can afford one and I think we have the resource/time - but is it to many to have 5?

I just don't know if there are limitations - we live in a 5 bed house so long term potentially would have to add a room because I know no one would want to share/are use to there own rooms.

Additionally I just think will a 30 year old and 20 year old have a good relationship and does anyone have any experience of there older kids being resistant to a new baby? He was happy at DC4, but he's older now....

Any thoughts?

I don't understand why anyone would have more than one

I'm 15 years older than my brother and we've always been close. Having said that I think 5 is too many kids. The world can't cope with so many people. I feel guilty thinking about the problems my 2 kids will face as they get older - climate change etc.

Actually, I'll caveat my 'not here, not yet' statement with the fact that it is already happening here; talking to farmers, many are giving up trying to grow crops at scale outdoors as the climate is now too unreliable, too extreme for this to be possible, let alone financially viable. As a keen allotment gardener, who these days only really grows for the love of it and to supplement my family's diet, I can attest to the fact that the last decade has brought extremes of weather which I think you only really notice if you are actively invested in trying to keep crops alive. RHS Hyde Hall has remodelled their planting significantly in the last decade as a strategy to foil the changing climate and extreme weather of the SE. This is well documented. Notch this up with a fraction of the global heating already locked in, and multi breadbasket failures are a given. OP, I am not trying to derail your thread, but I really think that the scientific fact of climate breakdown and extrapolations based in social science should give you some food for thought.

A female friend is the eldest of six. She doesn't want kids as she's 'already done the raising kids thing' as she had to help out with younger siblings.
She also has a high sense of independence which causes problems in her personal relationships. If you've grown up used to sorting your problems without help then being in a relationship where there's mutual support is completely alien to her.
Her parents obviously coped well with so many children because the older ones were expected to step up with childcare and not to ask for emotional help if they needed it as all attention was on the smaller children and the older ones just had to get on with it.
I wonder how many older children in large families feel this way but don't tell anyone!!

Good posts Warmth. It’s interesting that we still encourage each other to have more and more when it effects us all negatively - especially our children if you have them.

This is probably controversial but you have to cut your cloth according to size. The most important factors are your marriage, your finances and health as well as the time and attention you need to give yourselves and the other kids. The kids will come and go, but are you making your marriage and health a priority? How are you going to ensure this continues? Finances, can you afford the quality of life you all need with an extra child? This is the part people may not like, but here goes, will your children be completing and using a degree qualification? I am not encouraging my kids to go to university if they aren’t that way inclined. University is a debt, especially if they won’t use it or graduate as a doctor or lawyer, etc and gain employment straight off the bat ( read Rich dad, Poor dad) We do need to look after the home we are in as we have a beautifully designed planet. I don’t know how much the issue of the planet coping is down to overpopulation. I think it’s down to mismanagement of the resources and consumer/ commercialism. If we all used less, grew and made our own food from scratch, used what we have until it’s no longer repairable, maybe the planet would have a chance. If we started walking/ used public transport etc, instead of driving. People used to have lots of children in times past and while life was harder, it’s only in our generations that the earth has truly suffered. Anyway back to your question, it’s going to have to be something you and hubby decide weighing up all the options. If you raise your kids with love and care and accountability, they will have the morals needed for their own family life. Whether they are close or not depends upon how you raise them as well as their desire to be close. You can’t force anything, but you can implement a loving but fair home environment. I wish you and your family all the best whatever you decide. Xxxx

Busymummylady people used to have big families but 1. No contraception meant women had no real choice on family size 2. Many children died at a young age 3. Life expectancy was much shorter and 4. Standard of living and consumption of the earth’s resources was much lower overall.

I'm the 1st of three kids, the third was born when I was 18 and I massively resented my parents for it. Nobody paid attention to me at all during those first few years and I was expected to look after my baby sibling because I lived at home. I was expected to be 'the mum' when my parents weren't around and it was tiring. Don't do it OP, no kid needs that kind of responsibility.

Good posts warmth. My friend is the eldest of 4. Her and her brother are decent very able competent adults. Her two younger sisters are whiny needy and entitled. All over 40 now. Same parents who took their foot off the pedal for the younger two and wow it shows.

I also agree that 5 is too many. My DH is the eldest of 4 (also all boys) and he feels that his parents were always spread too thinly time-wise especially when he was a teenager. This was despite his mum being at home full time. His mum loved babies and had a rose-tinted view of what a large happy family would be like. I’m sure at times this is true but it comes at a large cost to the parents; emotionally, physically and financially which shouldn’t be underestimated.

Although DH and his siblings all did well in life, all went to university, got good jobs etc, he never felt he could ask much from his parents and has always been very independent. Perhaps this is a good thing in some ways but there is always the feeling that his parents weren’t/aren’t available at a emotional level should he ever need them. They have just got too much else going on in their lives and he wouldn’t want to add to their stress.

However his youngest sibling, who got lots of attention, mostly just due to being the youngest, thinks being part of a large family is/was great so it shows perspectives can be different depending on where you come in the family.

Now DH’s parents find they haven’t enough time for all their grandchildren so they are still spread too thinly. My kids almost never see them as they give their attention to those who shout the loudest so to speak, just as they did when my DH was a child.

You can’t have 5, you’d have to go for 6! No odd numbers! I’m on baby no 3 but have a DSS so we will have 4 between us, I would go for another if you and DH both want that

I’ve got no idea why people want so many children. I can barely cope with one.

I must admit, I’m the same. I’m a single mum too a ten year old and I really do struggle at times.

I'm one of four. My parents considered having a fifth and I'm very glad they didn't. We struggled to get enough attention from them (especially my dad who worked 70+ hour weeks to provide for us all) and then when we got teens one of siblings went off the rails and family life became a nightmare for a few years. I think having an extra child at that time would have broken us with the extra pressure. My parents also don't feel they can retire until my youngest sibling graduates university, if they had a fifth they would be even further away.

Yes too many. I’m one of three with a big age gap (11 years and we are adults now and do not get on, never did) and also a parent who died when we were children. I don’t think it’s possible to really provide emotionally for a lot of children, what if all 5 are going through shit?
What if 2/3 of them don’t leave home until their late 20s

Op this is mumsnet where they think 4 is too many. If you want 5 and can afford them and you and your husband are happy then do what you want.

That should say 3 is too many. Not 4.

I'm one of four to a single mom. I was ten when my younger brother was born and my two sisters are older.

I do feel I had to be more independent than I otherwise would have had to if my brother hadn't have arrived but I actually really liked it - I feel like it helped shape me to becoming less needy as an adult.

I think four children is enough, but OP it's your money and your like and despite what I said earlier in my post about climate change, if you don't see your responsibility to help change things then you may aswell go for it.

The OP isn't listening, doesn't care about the planet or quality of life for a 5th child or the other 4th. So selfish.

Interesting to see how many posts here from 3, 4, 5 sibling families saying don’t do it! I couldn’t have asked for better parents in theory, they put us before everything, but I didn’t have enough emotional support as a teen. Too busy dealing (very efficiently) with older siblings’ exams and university entry. They had also moved on from the parenting ‘stages’ with the older ones so were less involved generally in my childhood.

I have done significantly less well in career/self-confidence than my older siblings despite getting equal exam results. I fended for myself or just made my own (usually bad) decisions a lot. It became ingrained early on that I didn’t ask for help. They probably thought I was fine, I never said anything. When we were younger it was all very idyllic being one of several - I have lovely memories - but as an older child, more 1:1 attention would have made a huge difference to me.

I can only presume the OP is Meredith Grey. All those kids and still being able to be a surgeon? I can't imagine someone at the heart of the overstretched NHS really thinking that having 5 kids was the right thing to do.

Genuinely curious how you manage to give each child time? And how do you have energy? I find parenting exhausting and I like that I can give ds all of the time and have time for myself.
Environmental issue is interesting, you seem quite annoyed that someone would choose not to have children for the environment. Even if someone isn’t zero waste, deciding not to have a/another child is a huge deal. You don’t have to be vegan/zero waste to do your bit.

5 is too many.
What are the other 4 lacking that having a 5th one will give you?

I have 5. 5 is too many.

I would say stick with what you've got. I'm one of 5 and love my siblings and We get on great. Having lots of siblings can have advantages but I was the babysitter. The one expected to change a nappy/run stands/ babysit at family functions etc. It wasn't awful but I grew up very quickly. I also feel that I missed out in being able to develop a talent I had for a sport as I had to give up- parents didn't have time to drive me around the county to compete. Not the end of the world obviously. I did have a very good childhood all in all.

I also wouldn't do an international adoption in your position. Children are often traumatised and then to be dropped in a completely different culture would be even more daunting. Especially with 4 already established siblings. What are your motives for adopting a child? In all seriousness could you sponsor a child or continue to do the work in Kenya and give back that way (if that's your reason for doing it).