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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Big family - should I have more kids??

232 replies

Relizeliz · 25/08/2019 15:10

Name changed for this.

I have four sons - aged 9 - 3. I really want another baby, we can afford one and I think we have the resource/time - but is it to many to have 5?

I just don't know if there are limitations - we live in a 5 bed house so long term potentially would have to add a room because I know no one would want to share/are use to there own rooms.

Additionally I just think will a 30 year old and 20 year old have a good relationship and does anyone have any experience of there older kids being resistant to a new baby? He was happy at DC4, but he's older now....

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
IdentifyasTired · 25/08/2019 20:06

If you and your DH are both surgeons, you must earn a very healthy salary. That combined with being mortgage free and having good pensions? I would go for number 5 provided you are both in good health and your children are all happy, healthy and thriving.

Ravenblack · 25/08/2019 20:11

@Relizeliz

What if number 5 is another boy?

OneNiceGreenLeaf · 25/08/2019 20:14

I'm one of five siblings. We had enough materially but missed out hugely on individual time and attention from our parents. Especially as we moved into teenage years.

I really really wouldn't recommend it, from the position of a child.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 25/08/2019 20:15

My parents were both medical professionals too who were able to help us into adult life with uni and houses etc.

It didn't make up for their inability to split themselves into 6.

motherheroic · 25/08/2019 20:18

What would another child give to you that your current children aren't?

Silversun83 · 25/08/2019 20:26

Sometimes I feel as though I live on another planet.. I have two (admittedly 3 and 1 so pretty in the thick of it) but I find juggling just the two of them relentless and exhausting and difficult enough giving each of them enough attention. I honestly don't know how people do it with three let alone five 🤷

And sleep... Do you people not like it?!

Concur with PP that there's no way you can provide each child with enough attention when you have that many.

My golden rule is you have two hands for a reason

sheshootssheimplores · 25/08/2019 20:30

No I wouldn’t.

adayatthebeach · 25/08/2019 20:42

What if your fifth child has special needs? How would that effect your life? and work? That would take away time from the others. Yes they could help but also would feel put upon and resentful.

ginginchinchin · 25/08/2019 22:08

Sorry haven't rtft but we also need to consider funding of our future pensions. If we all stick to 2 children and reduce immigration where's the money coming from? Also in my opinion if you want another beautiful baby and can afford it go for it!

Ellisandra · 25/08/2019 22:17

How can anyone tell you this?

Obviously, it’s environmentally wrong - but you’ve already said you don’t care about that. I only have one and even that’s one more than I should have had for the environment. So I don’t say it to have a go - just, it’s the only black and white issue where I can say you’d be wrong to do it. (adoption aside)

All I can say, is I’m 1 of 5 (over 10 years). And in my personal experience, I would say do not kid yourself that you are giving everyone as much attention as they would like. Enough to get by, maybe. But really enough? No.

You have 4 already so I’m sure you’ll argue with me. Which is why I don’t see the point of the question. How can we know?

I’m on a campsite and just saw 3 sisters (age 4, 6, 8 I’d guess) joyfully looking after a toddler. I’d have said 4 was too many - they clearly loved #4 though. Still could be less than ideal as they get older though.

Why ask strangers on here how your eldest would feel about another? How do we know? Ask him.

Ellisandra · 25/08/2019 22:19

@ginginchinchin if we need workers for actual jobs, then we just relax the immigration policy, or use a quota system and increase the number.

GibbonLover · 25/08/2019 22:24

I didn't want to get into the environmental but its scaremongering - we have a climate crisis, I've been aware of it for at least 15 years but now its the fault of who? Families. Blame needs to be turned somewhere else

It's not the fault of families as such, it's PEOPLE who are to blame and we need less of them.

Snog · 25/08/2019 22:29

Prince Harry wouldn't approve

FarTooMuchWashing · 25/08/2019 22:34

Entirely up to you, but if I’d had 4 healthy kids, I’m not sure I’d want to roll those dice again. But then I started late, so maybe that thought looms larger in my mind.

megletthesecond · 25/08/2019 22:38

No. 4 is a nice amount of dc's, and you say they have a room each. I doubt one of them will be impressed about having to share.

Quit while you're ahead.

AsTheWorldTurns · 26/08/2019 05:23

I didn't want to get into the environmental but its scaremongering - we have a climate crisis, I've been aware of it for at least 15 years but now its the fault of who? Families. Blame needs to be turned somewhere else

Hard-working families, even!

Five is far too many, but internet strangers are not going to convince you of this. I agree with previous posters - this thread is pointless.

ineedaholidaynow · 26/08/2019 06:38

How much time do you and your DH actually give to your 4 children now? Do you use childcare? If you do your actual time with your current DC must be spread pretty thinly.

If you adopt, either from UK or internationally, that child surely will always be the odd one out. Also they will need an awful lot of time, which will mean even less time with your current DC.

The environmental impact doesn’t just include whether you eat meat or have foreign holidays. Each child will use up resources throughout their life, eg clothes, food, water, electricity will need a house when leave home etc.

Will there be jobs for everyone in the future?

Think the issues of looking after/financing an ageing population, full employment and careful use of resources are opposing issues, we can’t have one with the others.

MyOtherProfile · 26/08/2019 06:44

That has to be a joke? I wonder do you live zero waste, carbon neutral life

Wow! Biggest piece of whataboutery I've seen in a long time. So nobody can point out the huge environmental factor because they're not zero waste? Sure, leave us to all keep doing what we can to save the planet but you go pop out your babies on your whim.

Ohflippineck · 26/08/2019 06:46

Too many to my way of thinking.

MsTSwift · 26/08/2019 06:53

You sound educated and intelligent. Do you listen to the news? The planet is at breaking point to the extent your question is actually quite crass. There are too many people whichever way you cut it.

Oh and read Doris Lessing “the fifth child”

LittleFairywren · 26/08/2019 06:55

Nobody needs 5 children. "I want another one" isn't really a very good reason.

MsTSwift · 26/08/2019 06:58

We visited two places this lovely weekend. Both heaving with people. There are too many of us. I think larger families face a backlash if things continue and would not want to be in that position.

WarmthAndDepth · 26/08/2019 08:38

I have to bite.

I am one of 4, both parents self employed and working from home a lot, totally dedicated to having a happy, large family. Yet my two older siblings have always felt they really missed out as us two younger siblings arrived as they were preteens. Definitely not enough individual attention at a sensitive time.

My own two DC love nothing more than '1:1 time', despite getting on really well and already having quite a bit of scheduled time alone with either parent every week. Even if we don't do anything special, just talk, run a couple of errands, nip up to the park or similar, it's a couple of hours alone together, valuing our relationship.

You seem quite hardened to the environmental impact of having children, so I think I may be typing in vain, but here goes. The environmental footprint of a child growing up in the UK, irrespective of its parents' lifestyle choices is considerable. Adopting a low carbon lifestyle does not go anywhere near far enough toward 'off-setting' the creation of a child in a western economy. We are facing global climate breakdown. Actually facing it, as in 'it is already happening' just not to us, yet, but to other people's children, in other parts of the world. Not your fault personally, but we all have choices to make.
My greatest fear with regard to the collapsing climate, however, from the point of view of a parent, are the likely symptoms of this impending crisis, which no amount of love or good will is going to be able to insulate us from; even analysts at the relatively conservative and moderate PricewaterhouseCoopers, with no other skin in the race than to optimise client investment, are forecasting global (yes, that means here too) food scarcity and an unprecedented strain on resources in the not too distant future. This is the stuff that ferments economic failure and societal collapse. And I am absolutely certain that no parent wants this for their children.

Nicetablecloth · 26/08/2019 08:48

Excellent post warmth, all those encouraging the OP to just have another baby are utterly selfish and deluded as to the state of the planet.

Cryalot2 · 26/08/2019 08:54

I am different. I think it is your choice. If you think you could cope and things would slot into place well why not.
Dh is close to his brother who is 11 years older.

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