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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big family - should I have more kids??

232 replies

Relizeliz · 25/08/2019 15:10

Name changed for this.

I have four sons - aged 9 - 3. I really want another baby, we can afford one and I think we have the resource/time - but is it to many to have 5?

I just don't know if there are limitations - we live in a 5 bed house so long term potentially would have to add a room because I know no one would want to share/are use to there own rooms.

Additionally I just think will a 30 year old and 20 year old have a good relationship and does anyone have any experience of there older kids being resistant to a new baby? He was happy at DC4, but he's older now....

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Pyjamaface · 25/08/2019 16:46

I'm one of 6, 10 years between oldest and youngest and I hated it growing up (although there were only 5 as 1 sibling died as a baby)

It's too easy to get lost as an individual, there are not enough hours in a day for everyone to be heard. I'm close to a couple of siblings now but not all and it didn't really happen til adulthood

Nicetablecloth · 25/08/2019 16:47

well, let's be honest - it's the African countries and to some extent, Asian as well.

If this is in regard to over population we consume far more and create a much larger carbon footprint than anyone currently residing in Africa or Asia.

MaidenMotherCrone · 25/08/2019 16:53

I'm one of 6. 13 yrs between oldest/youngest. I'm close to one sibling. The others I never see.

If you are the youngest or eldest fine, the rest are just wallpaper children. Taken notice of when new then they're just 'there'.

The needs of children of large families are not met no matter how much you think they are.

ReTooth · 25/08/2019 16:54

I have four and they are very close in age. They are adults now and while I think they are the most amazing and wonderful people ever I think four is too many 😂.
Having four teens or four young adults is very very different to dealing with four little kids.

I'd wonder what the motivation to have five is?

I'd have one, two or three if I did it again.

BarbariansMum · 25/08/2019 16:55

Population density in Africa is far lower than in Europe.

RelaisBlu · 25/08/2019 16:55

Maybe a one child policy? They're known to be successful

If this is a reference to China - it has not been successful. It has led to all sorts of unintended consequences, some quite dreadful

Original poster
Relizeliz · 25/08/2019 16:56

@RelaisBlu Jesus this was sarcasm.

OP posts:
Babymamamama · 25/08/2019 16:58

Why not foster or adopt if you have the resources.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 25/08/2019 17:02

I’m one of five, and it’s the best. I absolutely love having as many of us as there are and we were all happy in that aspect growing up (our childhood was otherwise shit but we had each other).
There’s 9 years from the oldest to the youngest, I’m right in the middle.

RelaisBlu · 25/08/2019 17:05

Sorry Relizeliz Sometimes tone is hard to read

TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/08/2019 17:08

The needs of children of large families are not met no matter how much you think they are.

I’m sorry your needs weren’t met maiden, but it’s not necessarily that way in every large family.

I was a SAHM when mine were small, then self employed, working from home when they were bigger. I was always there for my kids, I had a lot of time available to them (as did their dad), probably more per head than some families who juggle two careers with long hours with one child.

Ninkaninus · 25/08/2019 17:09

I really honestly wouldn’t.

You’re still in the honeymoon period of fairly young children. Yes they’re hard work physically but you’ve got no idea of the mental and emotional resources you’re likely to need during the teenage and young adult years. The world is not an easy place for youngsters and it is harsh trying to grow up - you’ve potentially got a hell of a ride coming up in the teenage years. They will need you and your support far more than you might envisage in the next 10-15 years and I think it’s grossly irresponsible to keep having more babies and spreading yourself yet more thinly. Teenagers are also very expensive, far more so than younger children.

Focus on the children you have.

Walnutwhipster · 25/08/2019 17:09

What are you looking for in a fifth that your four don't already give you? What if number five has a disability or you end up ill? I became disabled after my children were born and know I couldn't have coped with five.

TSSDNCOP · 25/08/2019 17:11

I do think if you’re only concerns are what the oldest might think and when you’ll need to get builders in, it doesn’t really matter what internet strangers think.

namby · 25/08/2019 17:11

It's too many. It is a selfish decision, you have already split your time between 4 children, now you want to do 5? The main ones who lose out in this situation are your children. They already have 3 siblings, it's their parents time they want and deserve, and no matter what you say you will have less time for them all with another child.

StoorieHoose · 25/08/2019 17:12

Go to your local animal shelter and rescue a dog

obligations · 25/08/2019 17:13

'well, let's be honest - it's the African countries and to some extent, Asian as well' oh, so you're just being racist deeming other nationalities as 'unenlightened'? I'm appalled nobody else on here has pulled you up on this. Given the absolute mess of UK politics, and the massive environmental footprint of British citizens (relatively speaking to Africa and Asia) you need to enlighten yourself a bit.

Xenia · 25/08/2019 17:13

We have five and it's lovely. My twins shared a bed room to age 18 and wanted to and liked it. They now have separate rooms as the older children have moved out. I would not limit yourself just because of a bed room issue.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 25/08/2019 17:15

God some of these replies are very fucking depressing to read, especially on a parenting forum.

Also, I don't care about the opinions of anyone who uses the term "breeding" Hmm

hibiscus71 · 25/08/2019 17:16

Can you afford to put five through Uni and give each of them the same amount of support?
That I think is an important question so whilst you might be able to manage now, can you be sure of this consistency in the future?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/08/2019 17:16

I agree very much with what nink says. From a personal point of view, I definitely conform to the cliche of only being as happy as my unhappiest child.

With little kids, they are mostly all bumbling along happily enough. With teens and young adults there are exam stresses and relationship issues and career worries. Now mine are mostly older, there’s always one of them that I’m fretting about slightly. It is relentless. They are like a tag team. DH and I have commented that half the kids would have given us half the worries.

BloodyhellMartha · 25/08/2019 17:18

If you can afford another child and want one then go for it. It's no one else's business how many children you have, provided you can love and care for them all. And big families tend to just muck in with each other.

On a side note, imo it's seriously wanky for people to cite 'the environment' as a reason you shouldn't introduce ONE extra individual to the planet. IME its generally the type of twat like Prince Harry who swans off on exotic foreign holidays every year. People with large families can't afford to - and generally do a lot less damage to the environment. Also - when you look at countries like China then seriously? The only people who smugly reduce their family for the sake of the planet are people who genuinely didn't want children/have the number they wanted. No one who aches for a baby ever thought 'I'll deprive myself for the sake of the planet'. Get real.

littlepaddypaws · 25/08/2019 17:20

being selfish comes to mind op, nobody needs dc. given my time again and knowing what i know about the state of the planet i don't think i would have dc as much as i love them, certainly don't want gc for the same reasons or though that's not my choice to make.

Baguetteaboutit · 25/08/2019 17:21

Yeah webuilt I also put all those who use the term "breeding" in order to wave their little virtue flag around straight into the disregard pile.

MoaningMinnie1 · 25/08/2019 17:23

I don't know why you won't stick at four but a ten year age gap between eldest and youngest often works well, the older one is really looked up to. Think of the Waltons :-).

However - four children would be enough for most people, you really have been blessed and well done.