4 year olds refusal to walk dictating weekends!

[Hannahlouise4026]

My dd is 5 in November.
Every weekend for the last few weeks/months have resulted in either me or my husband having to abandon whatever plan we had as a family to go home with her as she just lies down in the middle of the steeet and refuses to walk. She says her legs hurt (I know this to be a lie to get out of what she wants to do as she runs off with her friends, swims and dances ( all things she enjoys)
We also have a baby and a almost 6 year old ad well.
Examples -
• last weekend on the Sunday we decided to go to a local national trust castle with fantastic play park, and the promise of lunch. She refused to get out of the car, then rolled around in the ground. In the end my husband sat in the car with her while I took my eldest and baby to the park

•weekend before, we decided to walk to a local cafe with a little play area and get an ice lolly. A 10/15 min walk. We gave her option of using scooter if She wanted. As soon as we got to the end of our street she sat down and refused to move, begging husband to carry her.

•on Thursday we went swimming just myself and baby brother, pool is 2 minutes walk from our front door (literally can see our door from it!) and on the way back she lay on the ground and refused to walk, half an hour later, me standing beside her the whole time, she saw her friend and then ran off with her.

•today she was playing outside with her friends and as it’s a lovely day, we thought we’d take a walk to local park (10/15 min walk) got yo the end of our street and again the same thing happened. I ended up literally having to drag her back while pushing the pram. She’s now rolling around the floor, which will last for ages.

I’ve said she has to spend the next two days indoor, and no iPad/tv time. I’m not sure what other reasonable thing to suggest to stop this happening.

It’s ruining any family thing we do, my husband has one day off a week and we fee we can’t do anything as her refusal to walk/go anywhere ruins it for all of us.

She is smart, friendly, generally well behaved at other times, no developmental/behavioural concerns otherwise.

Please help as we are at the end of our tether.

Thank god some pp has mentioned Ehlers Danlos!!! I am a sufferer and your dd sounds like me as a kid. I was in pain walking, but would be able to go and play. Please do your own research as a gp might not be well informed. Check her Beighton score (google it) to see if she’s hyper mobile. My very fit and sporty dcs hate walking for the same reasons. We use K-tape and gel shoe inserts now. And we avoid walking where feasible.

Sheeeeesh! You people are hard as nails! 😂

Have you considered that your child might be going through a growth spurt and it can be physically taxing on their little bodies.

Of course when she has an incentive (like seeing a friend) she might get a second wind ... you never been knackered/fed up but seen someone you know and instantly perked up?

'2 days indoors" ? Seriously? Why are you punishing a child for 2 days for being tired or having achey legs?

I just hear wha wha whaaaa poor me & poor hubby having our plans spoiled' rather than 'what is causing this in my child and how can I help her.

By the way ... my youngest daughter would still sit in the big bit of the shopping trolley reading a book at 7 ... I didn't know at the time that she (and in fact my whole family) has Ehlers Danlos syndrome and her joints were especially hypermobile. I just knew she'd get tired easily and said her legs hurt often ... other times she'd be climbing trees and running around the park right as rain.

I just worked around her and made allowances ... never once thought to punish her for it ... imagine that, I'd have felt really guilty after her diagnosis wouldn't I?

Also, maybe try and be a bit more Miss Honey - bit less Miss Trunchbull 🤔

Is it possible she could be doing this due to getting a sudden wave of anxiety? Does it happen more when you're visiting new/unfamiliar places?

Take her to school in her pram and say really loudly to the other kids she’s a baby.

You must be pulling your hair out, what a nightmare.
I only have 1 child and I'm sure she's tested me to extremes when she was young - my partner's daughter is much older so he'd been through it already and had lots of experience whereas i knew nothing. We used the 'naughty step' routine from a young age - not that it's any good while you have a child laid on the pavement. We also used the 'ladder system' - every time she did something we asked her to do she earned a step on the ladder (a drawing with 10 rungs), every time she was naughty or didn't do as she was told she went down a rung. The aim was to get to the top of the ladder for a reward - they used it at school so she liked the idea of doing it at home as well - it worked.

I think regular 1:1 time with her is a good idea, where no-one gets to disturb you, even if it's only half an hour a day where she has you to herself, dad can watch the other 2 siblings - read her stories or do her hair (girly time). It must be hard having 3 but they all want a piece of you.

Tell her you need her to be a good girl when you go out (and it involves walking), that she's a big girl now and there will be a reward for good behaviour - a rung up the ladder.

My silly sense of humour, obviously with only 1 child, would have probably involved me laying on the pavement too copying her, she'd soon get bored with that.

I've not RTFT but have you considered that she has hyper mobility and her legs do actually hurt? Both me and my DD have hyper mobility, she is fine when running about playing with her friends and swimming but if it is just basic walking with nothing fun to take her mind off it she notices the pain and doesn't want to walk either. I know her legs genuinely hurt, because my legs do when doing a 10-15 minute walk, but as I am an adult, i understand that it is necessary to get to where we are going, but for her it just hurts.

Also if it is hyper mobility she is effectively walking double the distance.
How is she at sitting in chairs? Does she squirm a lot or sit still for the duration? My daughter struggles when sitting in chairs as it makes her hips hurt, she can sit on a sofa fine, as it is soft, but not in normal chairs.
Also when she kneels on the floor does she kneel with her legs out beside her, almost making a w with her legs?

Sorry if this has already been suggested but do you have a sling for the baby? When she won’t walk put her in the buggy and carry baby in sling. Or have you tried a buggy board? x

I'll be honest I haven't read the full thread. My 6YO is as nearly as tall as me. If he pulled this shit I would pick him up and carry him. Then plonk him down on the nearest park bench while I got on with it. Or just walk away and shout 'Bye!' very loudly.

Mmm, lots of comments about possible hypermobility. For sure, worth checking out but I notice in the person's post that this little girl was refusing to get out of the car? Presumably she hadn't been walking in the car? People also seem to be assuming that when she's playing with her friends she's running? Not necessarily. I used to see my granddaughters walking with their arms round each other at her age, Note, walking not running. I had three boys and my middle son was a total brat when our youngest was born. He was constantly saying he hated him and was going to kill him. He once chased him and punched him straight in the face with a doubled fist. He was 8 at the time and the youngest was 4. Somebody also commented on the child's use of an iPad. 4 is FAR too young to be using a tablet as a pacifier. These things are addictive and also give off blue light which is a cause of over stimulation - not just for children but adult as well.

If physical checks are all normal, then I would urge not to medicalise bad behaviour. The message to the child is 'my mum thinks there's something wrong with me.'

Tell her the only cure for sore legs is some big injections so you'll need to get her booked in at the GP...you did try and avoid it but sadly you'll have to go.

No don't do that terrible idea but in some way you'll have to call her bluff. Send her to bed is a good one.

It does sound like she wants to be babied and is struggling with the new baby, so baby her over the top a bit? She'll soon get bored.

Whatever happens this has to stop. Would drive me potty but you've been sucked into letting her win to keep the peace (which is understandable with 3 kids) but you're never going to break the cycle.

Doctor and love bombing, all the oppositional stuff likely won't work. She's upset about something either physical and emotional.

Not RTFT but I was a reluctant walker as a child, so was my DF apparently, and subsequently my DD. We were all genuinely easily fatigued. Don’t be too hard on her in case it’s physical, not just her being awkward.

That sounds tough on all of you, but I would urge you not to resort to punishment or shaming.. as a cyp psychotherapist this is something I come across a fair bit... your daughter seems to be communicating to you that she can’t handle family outings at the moment. She has been moved up from baby of the family to middle child and she’s finding the transition hard. I would encourage you to find some time alone with her, when she’s calm eg in the bath or at bedtime (with your husband too if poss,) and talk to her about her feelings. We use a trick in psychotherapy called ‘wondering aloud’ to help show the child we’re empathising with them and trying to help them make sense of what life’s like for them. Eg ‘I wonder if it’s hard there being a new baby here now and seeing mummy so busy with them. Babies take a lot of looking after don’t they! I wonder if sometimes you wish you could be he baby of the family again? ... I’ve noticed that lately you’ve not wanted to walk much especially when we go on outings .. I wonder if you can tell me a bit about why that’s hard for you at the moment?’ If she can’t, try to help her name her feelings eg ‘maybe you’re feeling mad that I’m carrying baby and not you? Maybe you feel sad that the family’s changed cos you liked it how it was before? Maybe you’re worried we’re going to like the new baby better than you?’ (You can add how you’re feeling too - ‘you’ve noticed me get frustrated with you haven’t you! Cos I so want us to have lovely family time and I find it hard when you sit down and won’t move!’
This will not only help you understand her better but will help her develop the language to understand and express how she’s feeling - very useful relational life skills.
Last thing, we use the ‘ PACE’ model at work which stands for :
Playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy’. You can of course still have boundaries within this and consequences for behaviour, but you’re first and foremost coming at your child with love and letting them know you want to understand them and believe in them, and that you’re on their side.
Good luck!

Get a really boring babysitter for a couple of trips.

Great advice there from @ellicade

All behaviour is a form communication imo

Sorry I haven’t read the thread. I used to do this as a child- because my legs really did hurt, or actually it was more my hips. Mum took me to the doctors and they found nothing wrong. So I used to be dragged everywhere crying my eyes out.

When I was 35 I seen a rheumatologist, and she said I was extremely hyper mobile, and diagnosed with hyper mobility syndrome. We were talking about my history of pain, and I mentioned these episodes and she said yes the hyper mobility would have been causing the pain.

I’m not saying that is what your dd has, but please get it explored. I ran off happily playing with friends too, as I ignored the pain to a certain extent and didn’t want to show them I was in pain.

Get a toddler sling, throw her in when she says she's tired and carry on? Buggy board on baby's pushchair?

This may sound harsh but she needs to realise she'll lose out on things she enjoys if she behaves like this. Her favourite foods, time with her friends... You will have a battle now its gone on as long as it has. Its become a power game for her so you need to use the powers you have. It will be a battle but it will be worth it; for her personality and your families days out

It probably is just her trying to get her own way but I looked after a little girls that had sore legs after walking about 15-20 mins. Fine playing with friends, parks etc.. We would have screaming paddies, refusals to walk etc I asked mum to get her checked out and after several referrals it turned out she had juvenile arthritis. Like I said its probably just behavioural but something to bear in mind.

Sorry she not it!

If pain is ruled out, I think you need to get to the point where not cooperating is just incredibly tedious for her.

Next time she does it, I would say 'ok, if you're that tired you obviously need to go to bed.' Then take her home, and make her go to bed to rest (no iPad / music / books etc). Don't talk to her or give her attention, positive or negative. And if she gets up, just keep putting her back in bed without talking to her.

Do it consistently every time, so that she knows refusing to walk means a really boring afternoon where she isn't allowed to do anything except rest in a quiet room.

I find distraction a wonderful tool for reluctant walkers. At that age, I assume you know a range of her favourite books by heart from reading them repeatedly - and any fairy story like Goldilocks, Sleeping Beauty, Three Pigs etc.

I’d try introducing walking stories, so you change the language you’re using from ‘you need to walk’, or similar, to ‘hold my hand for stories’ and just start telling the story and walking.

If she’s still a nightmare about her there’s really nothing wrong with positive reinforcement - offer a chocolate button for getting up, and let her know you have ten which you’ll give her ‘when I see you doing the right thing’.

I’ve taken this approach with many kids and I know if can be controversial and apparently seen as bribery or giving in, but it really does make for happy kids who walk for miles - assuming no medical needs as other posters have described.

I’d recommend this book to a lot of people posting on this thread:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B07PF7SRPK/ref=tmm_aud_title_0?tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8&qid&sr

Could she have sensory issues?

All the posts recommending the use of punishments, boredom, fear, humiliation, etc are very depressing to read.

OP please don't listen to them. They aren't the way to manage behaviour and bring up healthy, emotionally intact children who will, in turn, make good parents to their own children.