4 year olds refusal to walk dictating weekends!

[Hannahlouise4026]

My dd is 5 in November.
Every weekend for the last few weeks/months have resulted in either me or my husband having to abandon whatever plan we had as a family to go home with her as she just lies down in the middle of the steeet and refuses to walk. She says her legs hurt (I know this to be a lie to get out of what she wants to do as she runs off with her friends, swims and dances ( all things she enjoys)
We also have a baby and a almost 6 year old ad well.
Examples -
• last weekend on the Sunday we decided to go to a local national trust castle with fantastic play park, and the promise of lunch. She refused to get out of the car, then rolled around in the ground. In the end my husband sat in the car with her while I took my eldest and baby to the park

•weekend before, we decided to walk to a local cafe with a little play area and get an ice lolly. A 10/15 min walk. We gave her option of using scooter if She wanted. As soon as we got to the end of our street she sat down and refused to move, begging husband to carry her.

•on Thursday we went swimming just myself and baby brother, pool is 2 minutes walk from our front door (literally can see our door from it!) and on the way back she lay on the ground and refused to walk, half an hour later, me standing beside her the whole time, she saw her friend and then ran off with her.

•today she was playing outside with her friends and as it’s a lovely day, we thought we’d take a walk to local park (10/15 min walk) got yo the end of our street and again the same thing happened. I ended up literally having to drag her back while pushing the pram. She’s now rolling around the floor, which will last for ages.

I’ve said she has to spend the next two days indoor, and no iPad/tv time. I’m not sure what other reasonable thing to suggest to stop this happening.

It’s ruining any family thing we do, my husband has one day off a week and we fee we can’t do anything as her refusal to walk/go anywhere ruins it for all of us.

She is smart, friendly, generally well behaved at other times, no developmental/behavioural concerns otherwise.

Please help as we are at the end of our tether.

I know the OP said "I know she's not in pain" but we "knew" our son was not in pain because he was fine cycling, swimming and doing fun stuff, he only complained when he had to walk. It turned out we were wrong; he needed physio and orthotic insoles.

Please be careful if you take the approach often mentioned throughout. That of ignoring your daughters complaints and carrying.on regardless. If this means that the baby gets a visit to the park or pool and she either gets taken home or taken with you but not allowed to participate she could end up being spiteful to the baby. I feel that she is unhappy about not being the baby now, can you make her your special big girl, number one assistant. Make a fuss of her, tell her that you cant manage without her. Give her jobs that help you and tell her that your glad of her help.as the baby cant do anything for himself etc. But also get her checked as like someone else here, we had a case of a child who could run about with friends, dance and swim but suffered but often asked to be carried as her legs hurt. She is now on her 2nd wheelchair. Be careful that's all x

Get her checked by your GP.

It really sounds like it’s behavioural but...when my daughter was about 4 she started making a big fuss about walking. We’re quite active so I told her she just had «lazy legs» that would get stronger with walking.
Anyway, long story short but she did have a problem with her hips. We ended up seeing an orthopaedic surgeon who ruled out anything serious but she did have inflammation in her hips which was causing her pain. So just set your mind at rest before you commit to dealing with the behaviour!

My dd went through a phase of "flopping" as we called it but it soon stopped when we went somewhere and as soon as she refused to walk I either a) left her where she was and continued with the activity (only done where it would be safe to do so eg at a national trust property I would leave her on a path and continue on the walk around the grounds but would still be able to see her) at which point she would usually "recover" or b) make no comment but just pick her up, take her home and she then had to spend the rest of the day in her bedroom with no toys or tech (as she clearly needed to rest) even if that meant missing other activities she enjoyed eg if we went for a walk to the park in the morning and she "flopped" then she would no longer get to go to the fair that afternoon.

Because she didn't get a reaction and she missed events she wanted to go to she soon realised that there was no benefit to it and practically overnight her "flopping" was cured.

until recent years a lot of 4 year olds wouldn't have been expected to walk so far on regular occasions.

Really? Twenty years ago, my four year olds were walking at least a mile daily. My nieces and nephews walked even more, as their father used to take long walks with the dog.

@melj1213 has it right, I think. Absent a medical condition, in your shoes, I would make her go, but buy a cheap stroller that's unattractive, and put her in it for the entirety of the outing. No walking, she must stay in the stroller.

WRT getting up and playing with friends, it could be that long walks bother her if she has a medical condition, while short ones don't.

Some of these replies are horrible - but more to the point fairly uninformed. Yes, it's very possible for a child to be in pain when walking at a certain pace yet be able to play with their friends. In fact, when children are in pain they often move around more, surprisingly. To the people suggesting the punishments, how would you feel if you punished 'the little madam' by binning her favourite toy and then you found out she had something medically wrong and you'd been forcing her to walk through pain? Would you feel proud of your parenting and how you'd looked after your child?

She says she's in pain - I'd take that at face value and get it checked out first, before forming a plan. At least then you're informed.

She’s nearly 5 and most 5 years old can tell you they hurt and where that hurt is whereas maybe a 2 year old can’t.

Get her checked medically.

Please don't try leaving her behind and not turning round like PP have suggested. If she is stubborn then this method simply wont work. I did it with my stubborn DD2 and she legged it in the opposite direction the second I turned my back!

I would just let her have the buggy and I wouldnt punish her for using it. If she starts school in a couple of weeks then her friends will soon tell her its babyish and if theres nothing medically wrong then she will quickly refuse to use it. Dont see it as a backwards step and dont hurry her into growing up

She has learnt that via her behaviour she gets her own way. Buy a second hand double buggy so that every time she does this tour can put her in it. Tell her she can walk like a big girl, like her sister, or be pushed like the baby.

You'll probably get tantrums when you strap her in but give her the choice and if she has a paddy, pick her up and put her in the buggy

I would also tell her what you are planning at the beginning of the day and tell her that you will not be coming home if she is too tired, that you will put her in the buggy.

Eventually she will get the message that she cannot control and manipulate the family by her behaviour.

Nuxe have you read any of the previous posts? About medical conditions?

At 4 my daughter, youngest of three, found walking too much so I just took a pushchair. Was easier as I still had a single pushchair as she was my youngest. I got rid of it just before her 5th birthday and only because someone left a sandwich in it that rotted 🤮. Then we converted to piggybacks. My first, a boy didn’t really need a pushchair after 13 months. Middle child wanted to sit in a pushchair until he was four. My youngest still hates walking too far at six but she can manage one big day of walking providing the next day is a rest (ish) day. Of course they find it more interesting to run and play than do boring walking. So rather than cancel plans, why not stick her in the pushchair and have your days out? In two years it will be a long distant memory... two years ago my daughter wouldn’t walk anywhere, this won’t last forever.
Or go with Super Nanny idea of putting her on time out if she doesn’t walk. But you have three kids, i’d go with pushchair and give yourself a break.

It’s a stage she’s going through and it’ll pass . Hang on in there. Being the Child in the middle as it were needs time to adjust . Let us know how you get on when your 6 year old goes back to school x

Sling the baby and stick her in the buggy.

Would be my strategy too. Don't make her stay if she doesn't want to, though. That's just creating a pointless power struggle. Make the whole thing as boring non-event as possible.

My daughter is 5 years old and only occasionally will walk. She will play with friends and swim but she was diagnosed at 2 with problems with her Achillies and her legs and hips. She has since her legs, feet and hips seen to and manipulated by an activator, massage and shoe bridges. My daughter is in a lot of pain but to a stranger she looks fine. Your little girl may have simular to my daughter and due to the pain being in various places it is difficult to pin point where it is. Also walking puts a lot of impact on the Skelton of a person. Check your daughters shoes and see if the heal and sole are wearing normally or is the wear uneven. This may help identify an underlying condition. My daughter still goes in a trolly at the supermarket and buggy due to pain. Do not worry what other people think. My daughter was having tantrums re walking and falling often so we go her checked.
If your daughter is please God fine maybe she is having anxiety about school and this is her way of getting her feelings out. 5 year old find communication about deep things difficult. As another person said maybe a special time at home with the 2 of you. Making cakes or drawing etc.
I hope you and your family feel better soon. Kind regards xx

I'm mainly a lurker round here nowadays but this post has compelled me to comment.

Growing up I was exactly the same as your daughter. I was the oldest child, and at four/five years old would constantly demand my younger sister (two years younger than me) be removed from her pushchair as I was so "tired" and refused to walk anywhere. Now I'm an adult its became a big joke about what a lazy child i was or how jealous I was of my little sister.
For years I believed this was the reason why i acted the way i did. I was just not cut out for the active life, was super slow and got tired easily.

However, like your daughter, I was active. I was far from the fastest or naturally graceful but I took dance and theatre lessons, I played outside every day, I swam twice a week and I ran around in short bursts at every opportunity. I was never overweight but have always been "very petite" but I was not naturally abled at sports.

As an adult, i love running, hiking, fitness classes and weight lifting despite it not being one of my "natural abilities". Ive learned that my athletic performance is hugely impacted by what i eat and more importantly how much i drink. I dont get thirsty often and forget to drink. I have a fast metabolism, particlarly when active and will burn through reserves quickly leaving me tired more quickly than others larger than me eating the same.

If you follow all the other avenues of advice and find yourself no further forward it might be worth encouraging your daughter to drink more water before and during activities or looking at what shes eating prior to the activity. Can you take a snack/drink during the walk to help sustain her energy levels? And ultimately, positively encourage how well shes doing. I remember believing for so many years growing up I was just rubbish at sports amd athletics. That they were exhausting because i was terrible at them and id enter them with a negative atritude straight away.

Middle child syndrome?

I haven't read the whole thread but my son used a buggy board well into the 5s. He wasn't much of a walker. I didn't see it as an issue at all. It just meant we got places quicker (tho he never refused to walk - I was just empathetic to it) and as soon as he stopped with the buggy board he scooted everywhere. He just found walking boring! So slightly different, but honestly you don't see many teenagers or adults laying on the floor refusing to walk so it's no doubt a phase that will pass (and most probably it will pass when she gets to grips with the new changes in her family) .

Winterlife I was thinking really of way way back in history. A little child on some farm in 1850 something wouldn't have been going on big long family walks for leisure because people didn't do that. If they were still at the stage they struggled to walk any distance (to market, church, help in the fields) they often didn't go and would be left at home with a granny (who being old also wouldn't of been able to walk).Town based 4 year olds would of been playing out but they probably wouldn't of barely left the street they lived in.

As MissMogwai suggested... is this because she is apprehensive about starting school and is trying to remain a baby and get the attention away from the real baby? You've been more patient with her than I would have been. I certainly would cut out the treats until she conforms.

I have a daughter the same age and find acknowledge, sympathise, change the subject works great.

"Oh poor xxx, are your legs sore? I get it darling, let's keep going and they should get better. Shall we play who spots first is the winner? Who spots the next yellow car wins. You pick the next thing."

I know it sounds silly, but I find she wants to know I've listened, I care, but instead of arguing or telling off changing the subject works wonders. Talk about a favourite film, picking some sweets at the weekend, her favourite colour. Take her hand, keep chatting and keep on walking.

Hopefully she comes through it soon and good luck

OMG, binning favourite toys? Of a four year old? That's shitty.

@SofiaAmes Thank you so much for that information - it’s not something I’ve come across before. I have a little time before ds has his next go’s appointment and I’m going to thoroughly read and digest all the incredibly useful information you’ve provided, so I can ask some really succinct questions when I have the appointment.

Just reading your post has been fascinating and scary in equal measure - much seems very familiar but I’m sitting here thinking please no.

Im very glad to hear that your son is doing better and that supplements helped without side effects. My son’s eyesight isn’t great and at his last appointment his optician said he was going to refer him to the hospital as his eyes were deteriorating so much quicker than they would expect. Also worried by the bipolar aspect as have a relative that suffers so know the horrors it can cause - and it’s always been at the back of my mind should stressful scenarios occur for anyone in my family - albeit they didn’t get it until mid 30s so it wasn’t anything I was expecting to encounter quite so soon!

Thank you again for all your help and taking the time to reply to me - it really has been most informative and very much appreciated.

And for those saying it’s not worth getting checked out by a doctor or that the kids should just pull themselves together and get on with it - a friend used to suffer from these pains when young and was basically told to man up and just get on with it. Turns out she had Ehlers Danlos syndrome and forcing herself to do things (like walk to school, or lessons etc) meant she ended up in a wheelchair a lot earlier than she would have done otherwise. Her children also suffer the same syndrome but were diagnosed very young due to their mum having it and getting them checked out - which means they are able to take preventative steps to reduce risks of damage. Or at least try to - I remember one primary school teacher having a go at the mum for her dd not trying hard enough in pe, despite the mum sitting there in front of her going how many times do I have to tell you that she must not do all the things you are asking her to do in pe because it will mean she will damage herself, be in pain and have to use a Wheelchair. Silly woman still thought she knew better and kept telling this poor girl off - think the head had to intervene in the end!

Could she be either 1. looking for attention (seeing you have a baby and older sibling) and therefore maybe some 1:1 time might help? or 2. could she be tired, and maybe some earlier bedtimes might be worthwhile?