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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law’s locked room

268 replies

TerracottaDream · 24/08/2019 14:50

A couple of years ago brother was let down by a babysitter so I volunteered. Niece and nephew went to bed I made a cup of tea and went to go in the front room but the room was locked. I realised that I had never been in that room and that evening was the first time I had been upstairs. No issues but when they came back sister-in-law hoped I had been comfortable. I mentioned the front room and she said visitors were not allowed in there. I imagined it was because it was messy. I made a little joke and forgot about it.
Been a few times since then. We always sit in the kitchen. Went over for lunch over Christmas holidays sat in kitchen (a very nice one with sofas) had a lovely meal and brother suggests we move into other room again SiL says guests aren’t allowed, again I make a little joke about being used to mess.
Today I texted to say I would drop off niece’s birthday present and leave it in porch but when I got there brother was in well we went in front room- it’s like something out of the bloody Ideal Home Show!!! She clearly didn’t want me and DH in there (even when our kids aren’t with us) !
I am really pissed off( yes I know it’s her fucking house!!!) my friend and I just met accidentally in Starbucks and she is pissing herself laughing at me. AIBU?

OP posts:
HelloyouKant · 26/08/2019 07:46

If my sister did this to me. I would have some serious words. It’s neurotic, precious and controlling.
When they come to my house they can sit in the porch.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 26/08/2019 08:03

The weirdest thing about this scenario is that they have a SOFA in the KITCHEN.

AgentJohnson · 26/08/2019 08:14

I’m of West Indian decent and the Front Room was holy. It was reserved for doctors, the clergy and important people. Think every surface covered by lace doilies. What irked me was we were only allowed in there on special occasions and to clean it.

You being pissed of about not having the run of someone else’s house is very bizarre.

AgentJohnson · 26/08/2019 08:18

I'd have said to her "Well it's my brother's house too and we're family!" and then walked into the front room"

If you’d try to do that In my house your arse would be out on the street. The rights and wrongs of the situation are between the brother and his wife, being related to him doesn’t give you rights in their home.

LadyCarolinePooterVonThigh · 26/08/2019 08:23

Agent, exactly!

snitzelvoncrumb · 26/08/2019 08:28

I think it's funny. Make a joke of it, maybe call it the sex dungeon and tease them. It's just a power play, I imagine you getting upset is probably the point.

comingintomyown · 26/08/2019 08:30

So the kitchen has sofas and a TV I presume ? If it’s where you always go I find it odd you didn’t just automatically gravitate to there , maybe wanting a nose around?

When I moved here my DC were young teens who typically had groups of friends over a lot . I have two reception rooms one off the kitchen with comfy sofas and the other at the front which people aren’t welcome to go in willy nilly. I love it it’s always immaculate and my space where I can shut ( but not lock !) the door and chill. DC are now in their 20’s and still don’t really go in there but as there is plenty of room elsewhere why should that be a problem?
YABU

Busymummylady · 26/08/2019 09:23

I completely agree with her! We have the same at ours. Our kids are only allowed in our living room when it’s a weekend with us. Otherwise they have their own living room and we entertain guests in the kitchen, and the middle room. I’m sorry but we do so much for our kids and are hospitable, but there are limitations. It’s nice to have one child free room you know is always tidy, and for you to relax in as a grown mortgage paying adult. I don’t lock mine, but out of respect the kids and friends don’t just go in there. Hubby and I have a mutual understanding as to where guests can be entertained, so we don’t have to reiterate things in-front of guests. Don’t be upset about it. There is no reason to be. Just take it as their/her house rule, just like taking shoes off on entering the house etc. Your brother probably feels differently as most men do, or that as his sister he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. In any event the woman has a right to have one room in her home that she can just unwind without judgement or toys or breakages. Look at it this way, which is worse: 1. telling someone that a room is off limits? / not in use/ locking it or just moving people into another hosting area; 2. Allowing them to come into that room and then tell adult guests their kids can’t come in? or 3. Having the adults and kids in there, then the kids spill something, break something and then ask you or other guests for a full reimbursement? I would do number 3 without question, but it’s better for friendships if number 1 is the option.

winniestone37 · 26/08/2019 09:35

I don't think this is about you however rude it feels to you.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/08/2019 09:40

I'd have said to her "Well it's my brother's house too and we're family!" and then walked into the front room

You'd walk into a locked room you don’t have the key for? Sod whether it’s right or wrong - show me how you do that!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/08/2019 09:43

To all posters saying “It’s her room, why do you even care?”, would you say “It’s her child, why do you even care?” when OP agrees to babysit for her SiL?

Christ, she babysat once TWO YEARS AGO and the first thing she did was start questioning the SIL on why certain doors were locked. Never mind whether the OP would deign to babysit again - I would never ask her if I thought she’d be trying the doors the minute I left.

bluebeck · 26/08/2019 10:12

So most people here wouldn't be offended when visiting a sibling, to be told that, 'no we can't go in that room, it's not for guests'?

I seriously wouldn't give a shit. It's not my house.

Some of you clearly think that being "famileeee" means there are no boundaries.

lightsoul · 26/08/2019 10:32

it's her house her sanctuary

phoenixrosehere · 26/08/2019 10:38

So most people here wouldn't be offended when visiting a sibling, to be told that, 'no we can't go in that room, it's not for guests'?

No, because it’s their home. Everyone has a right to privacy in their own home regardless of my relationship to them. I don’t stroll around other people’s homes opening doors or questioning them about those that are locked nor do I need/require an explanation. I let them lead the way to where they want me to be. It wouldn’t even cross my mind nor would I be so easily offended by it.

NameChange84 · 26/08/2019 10:50

So most people here wouldn't be offended when visiting a sibling, to be told that, 'no we can't go in that room, it's not for guests'?

I don’t expect to wander round anyone’s home having unlimited access to every room in the house. Just because they are my sibling, it doesn’t mean I have an entitlement to go wherever I want in their house.

gingersausage · 26/08/2019 11:21

@Watchingthyme, what the actual fuck? Us common people don’t have space for a best room; our free council houses aren’t big enough 🙄.

Fizzysours · 26/08/2019 11:28

Do you dribble, spill drinks and drop crumbs everywhere? #justaskin

TerribleCustomerCervix · 26/08/2019 11:28

The strangest thing about this to me is that you didn’t just say to your brother “wtf?”.

In any family I know this would be ammunition for gentle teasing for years!

saraclara · 26/08/2019 11:40

So most people here wouldn't be offended when visiting a sibling, to be told that, 'no we can't go in that room, it's not for guests'?

I don’t expect to wander round anyone’s home having unlimited access to every room in the house. Just because they are my sibling, it doesn’t mean I have an entitlement to go wherever I want in their house.

I don't wander round my sibling's home either. But if he, or my late husband's sister had suggested that we go and sit somewhere in their house, and their partner said "no, it's not for guests" I'd find it very very odd. I'd expect my family member to have some agency over their own house too, and not have their partner sideline us like that.

spikeymama · 26/08/2019 12:42

@ MsHopey. Sex room...that's exactly what I thought. Know the type though. My friend and her DH (he was a bachelor till they married in their 40' s/ her second marriage) No children between either... by choice that is. Beautiful, massive house. Their living room is huge and like your B/SIL's is from a magazine. Maybe your guys are the same in terms of space? I find it such a waste, but I suppose I'm used to a small 3 bed, compared to their huge home. Housework etc. Locking it seems extreme. I'd love to host my friends and family in that type of space. Hmm, guess we're not all that lucky. Find the key next time and chuck a vibrator in there for the next 'lucky' person who gets to see inside. xxx

MrsRufusdog789 · 26/08/2019 19:57

You sound refreshingly normal and your reaction understandable . She on the other hand seems a typical bourgeoise. A sex room would have seemed more normal to me . And certainly more interesting.

Catsinthecupboard · 27/08/2019 03:05

My mil had one. NOBODY was allowed in it. I think she and fil sat in it on Saturday evenings.

It was mostly white upholstery. My dh said it was a room nobody used the first time I visited. She was teased a bit, especially by older gc but we understood her wish for a perfect room. Her home was her sanctuary.

OP, you need better boundaries. You are not allowed to wander through anyone's home as you wish. Not even a sibling's.

I have an office that is filled with books and my artist materials, I would understand one's curiosity, but it is mine. I might let someone look around if I was there, but not alone. It is mine. It is private. (My dh and dc go in as they wish but it is cluttered and they purloin my good pencils and leave.)

I understand nasty all stuff, but I think boundaries are a different issue.

Catsinthecupboard · 27/08/2019 03:07

I understand nasty sil stuff...

phoenixrosehere · 27/08/2019 08:23

It’s snobby to not want people in a certain room in your own home even when there are other places that people can enjoy.. hmm... 🤔

Vulpine · 27/08/2019 08:27

Its a bit poncey. Houses are for living in