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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want a termination

132 replies

SAC1991 · 24/08/2019 08:48

I have been on the pill since getting with my partner a year ago (friends for many years before this). Yesterday I got a positive pregnancy test, we had both said there was things we wanted to do before having a baby. A part of me was and still is happy about the positive, if accidental, test. I can’t say the same for him. We spent yesterday arguing about it and he is absolutely adamant that we are not going ahead with this pregnancy. We both work but are by no means well off and this is his reasoning for wanting a termination. I just don’t know what to do, I’m in absolute turmoil. I don’t want to lose him but I’ve always said I would never abort a baby.

OP posts:
TheSerenDipitY · 24/08/2019 08:51

then dont have one, he might well leave, but unfortunately for him he has no say in the matter it is not we in this instance, its all your decision

Bubsworth · 24/08/2019 08:52

If he will force you to abort your own child in spite of you not wanting to, then he is not the man for you. End of. Your child needs you to stand your ground, baby will be yours forever but partners come and go.

JustMe9 · 24/08/2019 08:53

Dont do it then. If your partner leaves because you keep the baby he may aswell do the same even if you abort the baby. Ots your body and your choice.

Namenic · 24/08/2019 08:53

Talk to some people about it. There may be counselling available? If you had a termination and regretted it, this may also cause problems with your DP. Sympathies - sounds like a hard situation.

brighteyeowl17 · 24/08/2019 08:55

If you want it keep it. If he leaves then he isn’t the one for you. Good luck.

CloudyVanilla · 24/08/2019 08:55

“We” are not doing anything - you have the decision to have a termination or not. His reaction is not the way a decent partner behaves, but maybe give him a couple of days to get over the shock and see if he can be more rational.

I know it’s not black and white but truly it is 100% your decision. Any decision made will impact your relationship. Would you really be able to forgive him or want to be in a relationship with someone who would try and force you to have a termination against your wishes?

Janus · 24/08/2019 08:55

I think you will resent your partner and the relationship will fizzle anyway. No one should ever demand you make such a decision, they should support what decision YOU make. Good luck.

Boom45 · 24/08/2019 08:56

Don't have a termination you don't want. I am super pro-choice and sometime termination is absolutely the right decision but pro-choice is just that, a choice and it's your choice.

Ohflippineck · 24/08/2019 08:57

If he forces you into a termination, you won’t stay together anyway. It’s your decision.

Original poster
SAC1991 · 24/08/2019 08:58

I forgot to add, I’m 27, he’s 25. Having a baby is something I’ve always wanted. I don’t know if I could do it (financially) alone. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t think he would leave me if I didn’t have a termination but he’s made it quite clear I would be ruining his life if I continue. Neither of us will be happy with either outcome

OP posts:
CloudyVanilla · 24/08/2019 08:58

Sorry I forgot to say, I know this is hard and I hope you have a happy healthy pregnancy Flowers

herculepoirot2 · 24/08/2019 09:02

He can’t have a termination. There is no “we” here. It is 100%, unequivocally your decision.

CloudyVanilla · 24/08/2019 09:03

OP to offer perspective, I’m 18 weeks pregnant with a complete unplanned surprise third pregnancy. We were both anxious and not excited when I got the positive like we had been withy first 2 pregnancies (1 unplanned, 1 planned) and it was tough.

My partner made it clear he would support either decision, whichever one I made. You are not ruining his life, pregnancy is a risk and he needs to frankly stop being so self centred about this.

JustMe9 · 24/08/2019 09:07

He sounds like a drama queen! Why would a baby "ruin" his life lol
I know a couple of single mothers that are way better off that me raising a child with a partner. They get all sorts of support from government etc including 80% of childcare fees covered. So you CAN raise it alone if it happens to be. And baby will make you happy. You will likely you
regret aborting it and may end up with depression or worse. Whatever YOU decide will be the best decision. Dont let him to convince you to do something against your wishes

CloudyVanilla · 24/08/2019 09:07

Also should say we are happy and excited now! But an unplanned pregnancy is a shock and it can be hard to see how you will manage at first. Good luck whatever you do Flowers

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 24/08/2019 09:08

The relationship is doomed whatever you do.
If you abort when you don’t want to then you will resent him and if you keep your child then he will resent you,. So take him out of the decision out of his hands and do what you want.. your body your choice.

tirednhungry247 · 24/08/2019 09:11

It's totally your body and your decision however, you can't expect him to be doing all the things a dad would do afterwards as he doesn't want the baby.

I'm so sorry to hear this thought hope you do what's right for you and your baby whatever that may be

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 24/08/2019 09:16

In all honesty it doesn't sound like the relationship will survive either way, either he resents you for having a babu or you resent him for making you have a termination. If you do have one, even if it's right for you, it's hard mentally to get through, will he support you properly through it, it may take a long time to get over.
No one but you can make the decision that's right for you.
Good luck and sending love ♥️

Itsalltoomuch19 · 24/08/2019 09:16

I would suggest a few days away from your partner to get your head together and decide what you want to do. No one can force a termination and you have to make a decision that’s right for you. He may calm down after a few days as the shock may of caused him to say things in the heat of the moment and he too may need some time to process this.
Ultimately please don’t feel pressured by anyone to do something you will regret x

AllThreeWays · 24/08/2019 09:17

You absolutely do not have to have a termination, it is completely your choice. It is also completely ok that your partner does not want a baby right now.

He has made his position clear and so have you.

What ever the decision made, i would think it very unfair to expect him to support this child if you choose to continue with the pregnancy.

ControversialFerret · 24/08/2019 09:19

I don’t think he would leave me if I didn’t have a termination but he’s made it quite clear I would be ruining his life if I continue.

Tell him not to be so bloody dramatic. Having sex means risking pregnancy. There is no form of contraception that is 100% effective, regardless of how careful you are.

It's your body and therefore your choice. He had his choice when he decided to rely on you being on the pill and not take any other precautions - if he felt so strongly about not having a baby, why wasn't he using condoms as well?

This isn't about waiting for him to leave you - it's done already. Him saying that "we" won't go ahead with the pregnancy; it's not up to him now and he doesn't get to tell you what you do with your body. Sling him out, and tell him you'll let him know when the baby's born.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/08/2019 09:19

He was really daft not to use contraception knowing that you really wanted children. He now gets no say in the decision by law as it’s all upto you.

Either way it’s unlikely the relationship will survive.

At the heart of this though if you proceed there is a child. They should have the love and support of both parents and be financially provided for by those parents.

ControversialFerret · 24/08/2019 09:21

What ever the decision made, i would think it very unfair to expect him to support this child if you choose to continue with the pregnancy

Disagree. As per my previous post, having sex carries a risk of pregnancy. He's happily has sex and now there is a consequence - so he absolutely should pay to support his child. Absolutely understandable if a man doesn't want to be in a situation where they end up being a father when they don't want to be, but that's on them to either stay celibate or have a vasectomy.

Elclr · 24/08/2019 09:21

I chose to terminate a pregnancy because my boyfriend at the time didn't want to be a Dad. He told me it was the only decision he could support. Pretty much, do it or I'll leave.

I agreed, had a termination. Almost 3 years on since getting that positive pregnancy test, I still wonder every day what could have been. We broke up anyway because I couldn't reconcile myself with what I'd done and I hated me for doing it.

A lot of counselling and a new, very understanding, boyfriend later and I'm finally starting to like myself again.

Good luck with whatever you choose Flowers

KUGA · 24/08/2019 09:21

Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.