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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want a termination

132 replies

SAC1991 · 24/08/2019 08:48

I have been on the pill since getting with my partner a year ago (friends for many years before this). Yesterday I got a positive pregnancy test, we had both said there was things we wanted to do before having a baby. A part of me was and still is happy about the positive, if accidental, test. I can’t say the same for him. We spent yesterday arguing about it and he is absolutely adamant that we are not going ahead with this pregnancy. We both work but are by no means well off and this is his reasoning for wanting a termination. I just don’t know what to do, I’m in absolute turmoil. I don’t want to lose him but I’ve always said I would never abort a baby.

OP posts:
PurpleHedges · 24/08/2019 16:02

Any man that tries to manipulate you for a termination is not a good man.

He will leave you whether you have the baby or not. He will fuck over any person he is with, complete black cloud of misery will follow him.

Fuck him. Keep the baby.

HUZZAH212 · 24/08/2019 16:03

Yes it's your body your choice - but do you think he's in shock? Do you live together yet? Was it travelling that you'd both planned to do? I'll be honest and say I can actually u understand his point tbf. You're 27 and keen on the idea of a baby, he's 25 and sounding like he's not wanting the life long commitment yet. I think you need to consider he may not stick around if you have the baby, but would you want to stay with him if you feel pushed into a termination?

dottiedodah · 24/08/2019 16:20

Can you stay with your family at all ?.Just while you have the baby .Lots of people have unexpected pregnancies and get through them TBH. Your boyfriend may be panicking a bit at the thought of changing nappies and sleepless nights!.Maybe he has dreams of travelling and a carefree life with evenings out and W/E away .When he is calmer try to explain that you want to keep your baby, and that with just one babe you can still have W/E away and holidays !.If he still isnt keen then you have to think about being a single parent .Many Many people are in this position ,and he would surely have to pay maintenance!

Original poster
SAC1991 · 24/08/2019 16:43

We both wanted to travel a little more, it is something I would be willing to put on hold until the baby is older but it isn’t for him. He isn’t a bad person, this is the only thing we have disagreed on. We both know what it’s like not to have your dad in your life and I wouldn’t want that for the little one.

OP posts:
strangerthingz · 24/08/2019 17:16

OP, your body your choice. I was in a similar boat to yourself, poor financial situation and therefore DP didn't want to keep the baby. I kept the baby anyway, myself and DP stayed together and made it work. Now DP couldn't love her more and wonders why he even considered abortion.

Do what's right for you, if you want it, you can make it work, with or without him.

SayNoToCarrots · 24/08/2019 17:19

Break up with him and plan to have this baby on your own. Then if he comes around it's a bonus / you can decide whether you want him around. If he does come begging back, he can never hold your choice to keep the baby against you, because it would have been his choice to join your family.

Everydayishistorytomorrow · 24/08/2019 18:05

You both decided there were things you wanted to do before becoming parents. You must have sat down and discussed the pros and cons before coming to that decision. Can you still do them with a child. Can you afford to. Will you resent the child for stopping you from doing all those things you wanted to do but then maybe couldn't. Parenthood is all consuming and there is no going back to the way it was before. If you decide to continue the pregnancy are you really prepared for being a single parent. Your partner whether he want to be a parent or not can still be made financially accountable for supporting the child he helped to make. How would the child feel if they ever found out they were not wanted. How much support do you have from family? So many questions to think about but ultimately it is your body so your choice.

abrilliantidea · 24/08/2019 18:08

Sorry to hear your partner is terrified! A baby doesn't ruin your life - he's 25 ffs! Not a child. He's scared. Just stay calm and he'll come round, hopefully. If he doesn't, then at least you know what a mistake it was to get with him and you can concentrate on the baby and you'll meet someone else who loves kids and then you can have more with them.
I had an abortion when I was 19 and I regretted it. It's a horrible thing to go through. It's a lie that it solves a 'problem'. My bf went with me for my abortion and our relationship didn't last long term. It ruined our relationship and my mental health. My kid would be 20 now. I was so scared and made the wrong decision out of fear. Good luck and glad to hear you are making the right choice.

Skittlenommer · 25/08/2019 18:24

why on earth should he get to opt out of parental responsibility?

Because being a parent looks awful!

Witchinaditch · 25/08/2019 18:32

It sounds like the relationship is over either way unfortunately as he won’t be happy if you keep the baby and you won’t be happy if you don’t. The choice is yours and his at the end of the day, but you shouldn’t not have the baby in fear of loosing him as you will resent him and loose him anyway. It’s a really tough decision and I hope you reach one that suits you. Good luck with whatever you decide op, but if you do go ahead I think you should be prepared to do it alone. Wishing you all the best

GlitchStitch · 25/08/2019 18:39

He should have the right to opt out! If OP wants this baby she needs to be prepared to raise them alone.

Why do you think the right of a man to have consequence free sex is more important than the right of a child to be supported?

JacquesHammer · 25/08/2019 18:49

Because being a parent looks awful!

So maybe he should have taken the necessary measures to ensure a pregnancy didn’t happen. He chose not to, so - not to put too fine a point on it - tough shit.

Armadillostoes · 25/08/2019 18:52

OP-Honestly, only a bad person would try to manipulate or pressure a woman about a termination. Doing that isn't compatible with being a good person. It is your choice what you do, but don't imagine that someone who has behaved in this way is going to be okay in other serious situations.

Rubicon80 · 25/08/2019 18:57

It's totally your choice. He was an idiot to leave the contraception up to you, particularly when it's pretty obvious that you kind of wanted to get pregnant.

makingmammaries · 25/08/2019 19:29

Think about other possible support you could draw on (parents, siblings?). Don't let yourself be pressured by him. He might have a change of heart, but if he doesn't then he is not a particularly good man.

thetwinkles · 25/08/2019 19:36

I had a termination that I really didn't want. I've never forgiven myself. That baby would be 19 now and I've never forgotten. It must be your choice you will have to carry this forever. Give yourself some time to decide either way xxx

salsmum · 25/08/2019 19:41

Over the course of a child to adult lifetime your situations change. For now you may be struggling financially but in a few years you may indeed be a lot better off. Maybe the baby equipment could be preloved and had little use? I think your DPs take on this is if you keep I will not support you either way, maybe have a hard think is he really the one for you?. I wish you the best of luck. Thanks

Original poster
SAC1991 · 25/08/2019 23:50

I’m not sure what you’re insinuating, I didn’t want to get pregnant yet. As I said, the contraception I am using failed. I’m a grown woman who took the necessary precautions. I am not out to trap anyone, he isn’t an idiot for trusting me to take the pill.

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 25/08/2019 23:53

Babies don't ruin lives. Shitty, selfish people ruin their own lives after having them and then blame the baby.

He doesn't have a vagina. A baby wont stop him from doing anything with his life.

JoanieCash · 26/08/2019 00:07

As said before, your relationship is over either way.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 26/08/2019 00:18

To have what he though was protected sex with a method known to be about 99.7% reliable

So he was happy to accept a 0.3% risk. Lots of times I suspect.

When me and Dh got together we were very young and a pregnancy would have genuinely messed up our lives. So 0.3% was more risk than we were willing to take. So we used a second method of contraception. Once the possibility of a pregnancy stopped being a disaster and became just a bit inconvenient we stopped bothering with the second method.

Krisskrosskiss · 26/08/2019 00:25

He IS a bad person.
Men who try to pressure women into terminations are disgusting. They are scum.
'Ruin his life' what an absolute narcissist. He thinks he can just pretend like this didnt happen of you just get rid of it... maybe HE can. But whatever happens now, for you, you will have been pregnant. That baby will have been there. Whatever you decide, this is life changing for you. He needs to get his head out of his arse and realise that and accept his responsibility for the creation of this situation.

This makes me the angriest of anything I ever hear on mumsnet... sadly it's a common reaction for men. Who's raising these dickheads? If I ever found out my son spoke to a woman hed gotten pregnant like this I'd honestly disown him. Absolute pits of behaviour.

timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 00:36

Do not have a termination you do not want because of a man. Just no. Men are replaceable. He's adamant 'we' won't continue 'the pregnancy'? Well, he's not pregnant. There's no we when it comes to have a medical procedure on your body that you do not want. I'd tell him I need a few days on my own to think.

timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 00:38

I agree, Kriss.

IncrediblySadToo · 26/08/2019 01:03

He’s adamant is he?

Well that’s hard lines isn’t it because he can be as adamant as he likes but its not his decision

He’s being bloody horrible and frankly, you can do better! I’d leave him now irrespective if whether I intended to terminate it not. No one this ‘adamant’ about what ‘we’ are going to do is worth wasting your life on. He’s telling you that he feels you get no say in this it’s about what HE says us going to happen. Fuck that you'll spend the rest of your life with him thinking he can make ‘we’ decisions and you ‘little woman’ will just do as you’re told. Seriously. fuck that for a game of soldiers!

He had his say, he chose not to use a condom- he made the choice not protect himself re a pregnancy - he doesn’t get to pressure you into a termination now!

You say you both grew up without your Dads in your lives and don’t want that for your little one - Would YOU rather not have been born?

YOU said you wouldn’t have a termination - you don’t want a termination - you shouldn’t have a termination.

& you should leave this selfish bloke. He’s not keeper material!