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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don’t want a termination

132 replies

SAC1991 · 24/08/2019 08:48

I have been on the pill since getting with my partner a year ago (friends for many years before this). Yesterday I got a positive pregnancy test, we had both said there was things we wanted to do before having a baby. A part of me was and still is happy about the positive, if accidental, test. I can’t say the same for him. We spent yesterday arguing about it and he is absolutely adamant that we are not going ahead with this pregnancy. We both work but are by no means well off and this is his reasoning for wanting a termination. I just don’t know what to do, I’m in absolute turmoil. I don’t want to lose him but I’ve always said I would never abort a baby.

OP posts:

Gruzinkerbell1 · 26/08/2019 01:08

There is no “we” here, this decision is solely yours to make. Your body, your choice. He gets no say.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 26/08/2019 01:09

I was pressured into having one and i still think about it nearly every day 8 years later. Dont let him make your choice for you. Go and spend a day by yourself to think about it without him clouding your judgement.

justilou1 · 26/08/2019 01:11

A year isn’t a very long time to be together, and most relationships don’t recover from this kind of decision unless it is unilateral. If you feel coerced into an abortion, you will never forgive your bf or even more importantly, yourself. If you have the baby and he chooses to stay with you, there will probably be an underlying level of resentment that you forced him into a situation he wasn’t ready for. If he goes, you will be tied to him forever through your child and resent him for leaving. No matter which way you look, there are dilemmas.

Trebla · 26/08/2019 03:28

He's in shock. His life trajectory has just changed too and he is dealing with it factually rather than emotionally. Give him a minute to adjust.

Don't have a termination for someone else.

I've a feeling hell come round when the shock wears off.

If not leave.

PapayaCoconut · 26/08/2019 03:58

DH earns more than double what he earned when we had our first child and we bought a house after having our second baby, having rented until then. It's not like it's impossible to improve your finances after having a baby. If you wait until you're well off and living in a big enough house, etc, etc, you may be waiting too long.

Disclaimer: Your career is likely to stall for a while. But there's no reason why his should. In fact, research shows that men with children earn more than their childless colleagues.

All this aside, it sounds like a no-win situation with regards to the relationship, unless he suddenly realises he's being completely unreasonable and apologises.

StripeySocks29 · 26/08/2019 07:25

Op - I, like you, agree that abortion should be available for those who want/need it, but personally I couldn’t do it. If you do have an abortion you will have to live with the feelings for the rest of your life.

In all honesty wanting to go travelling seems like such a pathetic reason to end a pregnancy, you can travel with a child if he wants to go that much. Going travelling really is not the be all and end all, and I can tell you from my own experience having a child is 1000 times more rewarding than backpacking through Europe.

whiteroseredrose · 26/08/2019 07:57

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It is 100% your choice but I can't blame him for not wanting to be a father at 25. I didn't want a baby at that age either.

I'd start by doing your sums assuming your partner doesn't step up and only pays minimum. What would your life with the baby look like? Where will you live? Is it affordable alone? What would you do for child care and how would you pay for it? What impact will this have on your future earnings? Is the situation likely to change?

Try and imagine what life will be like and think if that is what you want.

Then have a look on MN on the single parents thread.

If termination is not for you, I'd make sure you're well prepared for a solo future.

Lweji · 26/08/2019 11:34

As I said, the contraception I am using failed. I’m a grown woman who took the necessary precautions. I am not out to trap anyone, he isn’t an idiot for trusting me to take the pill.

He is an idiot for thinking that the alternative second method of contraception to you taking the pill is an abortion instead of condoms.
That's where he takes responsibility, not in telling you to abort the child.

sue51 · 26/08/2019 11:44

Totally agree with Lweji. Every time a man ejaculates into a woman's vagina, there is a possibility of pregnancy. They know that yet so many see contraception as totally the woman's responsibility.

FairyDust92 · 26/08/2019 11:46

Ruining his life? Is he serious?
If you don't want a termination then don't have one. I'm by no means well off but I'm getting by with my baby it is doable. If you want your baby then you do what is best for you. Do not let anyone decide what is best for you, if you loose him over it then so be it.

Shplot · 26/08/2019 11:50

I think people are being really harsh. He’s 25, they took necessary precautions and grab obviously said stuff in the heat of the moment.
A baby changes your life, forever. You will worry about that baby until the day you die, if you want to travel you will either have to do it with baby which would be difficult or be limited by term times, that’s assuming that you could afford to travel.
It’s easy to say you can carry on with your plans when baby is older but you have no idea what might happen. I have a disabled child, I will be his full time carer until I die.
What if child needs help for uni? Or gets pregnant? Or has an accident? What if you or partner get ill? There’s a million other things that would likely stop you just picking up where you left off.
You need to both have a serious talk, it is your body, but it’s his baby too and you both decided not to try for a baby.

timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 11:59

He's the one trying to bully his partner into a medical procedure she does not want and yet MN is the one being harsh? 😂😂 It's her body that will have to have an abortion she does not want, so that's where all bets are off. I say that as the mother of a child with SN myself and also the mother of a child who has died. It is her decision. She doesn't need a 'serious talk' because he is 'adamant' the only way forward is for her to have an abortion she does not want.

Shplot · 26/08/2019 12:01

He’s not trying to bully her, what because she carries the baby he’s not allowed an opinion? His entire life will change and mumsnet will be all for getting every penny out of him for the next 18 years despite the fact they made a decision as a couple to use contraception

C8H10N4O2 · 26/08/2019 12:16

he’s not allowed an opinion?

He can hold all the opinions he wants but until he is pregnant he doesn't get to make the choice over termination or not.

There will always be a risk of pregnancy with sex, even if its small. He left contraception to the OP - if it was that big a deal he could have taken additional precautions.

His entire life will change and mumsnet will be all for getting every penny out of him for the next 18 years despite the fact they made a decision as a couple to use contraception

Condoms, vasectomies are both available to him if its that big a deal.

25 is not a child - he is more than old enough to take responsibility for himself and his decisions.

Shplot · 26/08/2019 12:18

They agreed as a couple to use the pill, but now it’s failed it’s all his fault and he has no rights? I would assume agreeing with your partner about contraception and not having a child would be enough without having to have a vasectomy incase of contraception failure and partner changing her mind.

timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 12:21

An opinion: I think abortion is the ideal option in this.

Bullying: We spent yesterday arguing about it and he is absolutely adamant that we are not going ahead with this pregnancy. 'we' are having a medical procedure on one person's body that she does not want.

Sex results in babies. Only abstinence is 100% failproof. If you don't want to father a child you use a condom each and every time in addition to another form of birth control.

I didn't want to have kids before I was married. So I used a good form of contraception and insisted on condom use. Voila, no kids.

He's 25, not 17.

timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 12:22

Nope, no person has the right to coerce, manipulate, bully or force another to have a medical procedure on her/his body that he/she does not want. Imagine that?

C8H10N4O2 · 26/08/2019 12:25

They agreed as a couple to use the pill

Really? Where does it say that? As opposed to OP going on the pill and the man happily going along with it. Its really simple - if pregnancy was that big a deal he should have taken additional precautions.

but now it’s failed it’s all his fault and he has no rights?

Said nobody on this thread.

That .3% happens. He is an adult not a child and needs to face up the consequences of choosing to take that risk by letting someone else bear the burden of contraception. You might just as easily say he knew the OP would never terminate a pregnancy.

His choices basically are to parent or to be an absentee father. The OP's future will be impacted immeasurably more.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 26/08/2019 12:27

Your decision is now is whether you bring up this child. Your relationship has been tested and he made his intentions towards it clear. If he truly saw a future with you he would support your decision.

C8H10N4O2 · 26/08/2019 12:27

In fact from the OP's first post:

I don’t want to lose him but I’ve always said I would never abort a baby.

So she hasn't changed her mind at all. He has been caught out relying on a method which is not 100% whilst knowing she wouldn't terminate a pregnancy.

Lweji · 26/08/2019 12:34

they took necessary precautions

She did.

He did fuck all. Or the fucking.

No method is 100% safe. His mistake is relying on abortion as a secondary measure and not condoms, as I posted before.
Condoms are up to him, abortion is up to her.

Lweji · 26/08/2019 12:35

Or...
He could save his sperm for when he wants kids and have a vasectomy. No?

JollyJlly · 26/08/2019 12:36

Oh OP it’s a really difficult situation.

However if you have a termination that you don’t want it will live with you the rest of your life and will impact on your mental health considerably.

You are unlikely to remain with him if you do it for him. He is young and so are you. There is in my opinion very few times you have them that you can afford them, and you will just make it work regardless of whether he is there or not. If he is the person you say he is once that baby is in his arms his whole world will change and ready for it or not it will be his whole world. And if you both have experience of absent fathers he will not do that to any child of his.

Try to tune his request out for now and don’t hold it against him later, it can take time to wrap his head around it. Do what is right for you and only you. If a termination was right for you, you would know by now in my honest opinion.

Having had one myself and having children now it was absolutely the right thing for me to do, I had no question in my mind at the time and no regrets now.

Good luck OP

iolaus · 26/08/2019 12:36

You need to make the decision for you

I was in a similar situation and in the end realised that if it came to it I could live without him, but I couldn't live with me if I went through with something that I felt was wrong (by wrong I mean wrong for me - I have no issues with other people having abortions if that is what they want - I've even been the one giving the medication)

It worked for us - however I do think had I terminated it would have split us up

This is still very early days on discovering the pregnancy - and I do think many men (and some women) don't equate positive pregnancy test with having a baby at this point - I know to my husband an unplanned pregnancy was a problem and one that could be fixed with an abortion - he was very clear that was what he felt should happen (and in all honesty logically his arguments against it made sense but I couldn't do it - but there was a part of me that was hoping I'd find out it was an ectopic pregnancy or I'd miscarry - and I feel guilty at saying that was how I felt but it would have taken any decision out of my control) - however once I'd decided I couldnt go through with it and I was going to continue the pregnancy in his head it stopped being a problem and started being a baby (and in all honesty that child is probably his favourite)

biggles50 · 26/08/2019 12:38

The relationship with your partner is scarred now whatever happens. You are pregnant with his child and he is making unreasonable demands to abort when you've made it clear you want to keep the baby.
Someone suggested that you get some breathing space and that's a very good idea. Please don't be bullied into a termination in the hope that you'll fix the relationship. You can do without the added stress of his complaints. He's shown his true colours when you needed his support the most.

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