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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don’t want a termination

132 replies

SAC1991 · 24/08/2019 08:48

I have been on the pill since getting with my partner a year ago (friends for many years before this). Yesterday I got a positive pregnancy test, we had both said there was things we wanted to do before having a baby. A part of me was and still is happy about the positive, if accidental, test. I can’t say the same for him. We spent yesterday arguing about it and he is absolutely adamant that we are not going ahead with this pregnancy. We both work but are by no means well off and this is his reasoning for wanting a termination. I just don’t know what to do, I’m in absolute turmoil. I don’t want to lose him but I’ve always said I would never abort a baby.

OP posts:

NotSoThinLizzy · 24/08/2019 09:21

What kind of stuff did yous want to do before baby? Having a baby dosent put your life on hold. Yous can still do things.

Lweji · 24/08/2019 09:23

Decide on having or not having the baby but without him in the picture.
I'd dump him, because either way I couldn't look at him the same way. He'd be the man who forced me to have an abortion, or he'd probably make life difficult because having the baby would be my fault. So, I'm sorry, but I can't see how this is not the end for the relationship.

Then consider if you want to have the baby alone or not.

ShiftHappens · 24/08/2019 09:24

he is absolutely adamant that we are not going ahead with this pregnancy.

it's not both of you going ahead - just you. And most people are not financially well off and have children nevertheless. He just doesn't want children (yet?) which is more than fair enough. But you are pregnant.

Ultimately, it is your choice. I agree with PP, the relationship doesn't sound solid and if you go ahead, the be prepared for being a lone parent. If you really want, it's doable. Do you have a good support network otherwise such as family?

Cherryade8 · 24/08/2019 09:25

I'm sorry, I dont think your relationship will survive either way. I think you need to consider your options as a single parent.

I became pregnant, completely unplanned due to contraception failure. I had only been seeing the guy a short time. His reaction was like your partner - it would ruin his life etc. I detached myself from him and then decided I would have an abortion, even though I wanted to keep the pregnancy. I was working full time with two existing children and I couldn't cope having another child alone. It was a very hard decision but the right one for me at the time. I would love to meet a new partner and have a baby with someone supportive. I'm so glad I dont have that selfish manipulative dick of a man in my life anymore.

He wanted to keep seeing me but I saw his true colours. Good luck whatever you decide

nowayhose · 24/08/2019 09:25

Don't terminate.

I totally 100% believe a woman has the right to terminate if they wish to do so.

HOWEVER,
You had already decided that a termination of pregnancy was not something you could live with.

A core belief/ feeling or whatever you call it is part of who you are, and going against what you believe for someone else's benefit will never work out well for you. You will probably not last as a couple as your core beliefs are different.

You must do what you believe is right for you and make a decision you are happy with, regardless of what your partner wants.

I wish you health and happiness. x

DowntonCrabby · 24/08/2019 09:28

Don’t have a termination for him or for the relationship. Only if it’s 100% right for you.

You may well have to do this alone and you’d be absolutely fine.

ChestyNut · 24/08/2019 09:28

Don’t terminate if it’s not what you want.
Your relationship would likely not survive and you’d always wonder what if.

Think about raising the child as a single parent.

Wishing you luck

Chloemol · 24/08/2019 09:43

You have to do what you can live with. If you don’t want to terminate then don’t, keep the baby. It may mean losing him, but it takes two to tango, and as an adult he is aware of any consequences and that pregnancy may occur and continued. He’s the one not stepping up here and being supportive, it’s not him that has to have the termination and all that entails

TinyMystery · 24/08/2019 09:49

DH was absolutely terrified when we found out I was pregnant with DS. Full on panic attacks, thought we were ruining our lives, was terrified of resenting the baby... Within 48 hours he realised he had made a horrible mistake with his reaction and was fully on board. Him and DS have an amazing bond now, and he’s a wonderful dad.

I’m not saying you DP will definitely come around but I do think it’s worth giving him a few days.

DerbyRacer · 24/08/2019 09:49

I don't think he is the right man for you. I had an unexpected pregnancy and like you I worried about how I would manage financially. It has not been easy, but we have managed and we are very happy. I was a single parent from day 1 as my boyfriend did not want to be involved, but he never once suggested a termination.

Rowenaravenclawsdiadem · 24/08/2019 09:55

About 20 years ago my exh ‘forced’ me to get an abortion.

It was the first death knell of our marriage. I never forgave him and I never forgave myself.

Do what YOU want to do.

Skittlenommer · 24/08/2019 10:04

You can do whatever you want but be prepared to raise the baby alone. It seems you can’t have both!

cranstonmanor · 24/08/2019 10:41

What if this is the only chance of motherhood that you have? Secondary infertility is a thing. If you still want to keep it then keep it. Your boyfriend doesn't sound like a keeper anyway. You have 8 months to sort out the finances, plenty of women raise children alone.

Fluffycloudland77 · 24/08/2019 10:48

If you don’t want to, you don’t have to.

I’m pro choice and if a woman wants to terminate that’s fine, but I don’t think you do by any means.

Men are very replaceable.

JacquesHammer · 24/08/2019 10:55

he is absolutely adamant that we are not going ahead with this pregnancy

If he is carrying the baby then he gets a choice. As he isn’t, then the choice is 100% yours OP.

Make sure you do what YOU want.

Timandra · 24/08/2019 11:17

Either you'll have the termination, spend the rest of your life grieving the baby and be unable to forgive him or you'll keep the child and he will always resent being forced to be a parent.

Don't terminate a wanted pregnancy in the hope of saving your relationship. It won't. Only terminate if it is the right thing for you and your baby.

Curlyeyelash · 24/08/2019 11:33

Yes it is your decision but obviously his negative attitude towards keeping baby will massively effect your choice.

Imagine if he was overjoyed about it and said let's keep it.

Seeing as that doesnt seem like something he will do, you need to make the decision outside of his opinion and don't let it sway you, if you can.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this tough time, you're both at an age that it should be a thing to be happy about!

Sending you love OP.

BigFatLiar · 24/08/2019 11:39

Sadly your relationship may have run its course. If you abort when you don't want to you may end up resenting him. He says he doesn't want to be a father and you go through with the pregnancy he may resent you (and the child), Perhaps he'll change his mind when the reality bites, perhaps not. Whether he likes it or not he's now financially tied to you for the foreseeable future whether or not he wants contact with the child.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 24/08/2019 11:45

Men are very replaceable - Great point!

Give him a few days to get over the shock.
If he still tries to force you to terminate, he's a git. Get rid of him.

heartburn888 · 24/08/2019 11:47

If you don’t want a termination then don’t do it. Coming from someone who didn’t want a termination but did it for the sake of a relationship and what my ex wanted. I beat myself up for it for a long long time after and even sought It’s likely your partner will think you’ll be able to take it in your stride but it really knocked me for six, emotionally and mentally.

Please think long and hard about it before you do anything. Life as a single mum isn’t that bad. But this is your body and you will be the one dealing with the after math not him.

Sending lots of hugs

tirednhungry247 · 24/08/2019 12:00

@ControversialFerret that's true I see your point
But isn't the point of contraception that you aren't trying to conceive
Doesn't that go for either party?

It's like when women get pregnant on purpose without telling their partner or lying about taking contraception?
You put your trust into your partner for one or both of you to use contraception. They we both clearly not trying but now OP is pregnant and is kind of ok with it but the Father is an evil guy because he doesn't want the baby.
It's all based on opinions really isn't it, very confusing.

fatisnotafeeling · 24/08/2019 12:02

If you don't want a termination please do not have one. I have 3 DC and in April found I was unexpectedly PG with a 4th.

My husband was adamant he didn't want another child although never forced me
to have the termination but I went ahead against my own beliefs.
It has been hell for me, I tried to commit suicide, I was having constant nightmares, drinking to excess. I have been having counselling and I'm slowly getting there but despite being on the pill found out this week I am pregnant again!.

There was no question this time that I would
Not have another termination, i saw my counsellor the day I found out and it helped so much to clarify for me that I was prepared to do it all on my own if need too.
As it happens my husband is supporting me completely.

Please don't have a termination you don't want it can destroy you.

tirednhungry247 · 24/08/2019 12:04

@fatisnotafeeling completely agree
The regret must be soul destroying
So sad people go through this

HaileySherman · 24/08/2019 12:19

OP please do what is best for you. I've met maybe 1 person in my whole life who was in the perfect position to have a child, yet everyone (me incl.) have managed to get by. If you think you may regret your decision to terminate then I strongly recommend you don't. And on a darker note, divorce/breakup rates are astronomical so I feel like making such a life impacting decision based on the assumption that you're going to be with someone forever is naive.

For full disclosure, I am 100% pro-choice. Have 2 children I adore, first pregnancy occurred when I'd known the father for less than a month. I have no regrets with my children. I've also terminated a pregnancy maybe a year and half prior to getting pregnant with my oldest. Had been with the father 5+ years. Never felt guilty or regretted that decision either. Just so you know I have no agenda here, but I do have experience with these decisions.

Armadillostoes · 24/08/2019 12:26

If you don't want to terminate then please don't. If isn't the kind of decision you can make for someone else.

Your DP has shown his true colours in any event. A man who would pressure a woman about a termination is NOT someone you want a relationship with.

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