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Original poster

I don’t want a termination

132 replies

SAC1991 · 24/08/2019 08:48

I have been on the pill since getting with my partner a year ago (friends for many years before this). Yesterday I got a positive pregnancy test, we had both said there was things we wanted to do before having a baby. A part of me was and still is happy about the positive, if accidental, test. I can’t say the same for him. We spent yesterday arguing about it and he is absolutely adamant that we are not going ahead with this pregnancy. We both work but are by no means well off and this is his reasoning for wanting a termination. I just don’t know what to do, I’m in absolute turmoil. I don’t want to lose him but I’ve always said I would never abort a baby.

OP posts:
Toneitdown · 24/08/2019 12:31

he’s made it quite clear I would be ruining his life if I continue.

Oh for God's sake, tell him to grow up. Does he not understand where babies come from? He sounds shockingly immature for a 25yr old and, frankly, quite sexist. I'd be questioning a future with this man.

Regarding the baby - if you don't want a termination then DON'T GET ONE. Seriously OP. This is a really big deal and you will regret it for the rest of your life if you terminate the pregnancy to appease someone else. This decision is yours, not his. Please think very carefully about what you want. What he wants he isn't important right now. If he was being supportive and understanding then I'd be advising you to consider his position, but honestly he sounds like a selfish twat so I really wouldn't give any head space to what he wants right now.

cakeandchampagne · 24/08/2019 12:37

Your body, your choice.
I would end the relationship.

BeanBag7 · 24/08/2019 12:56

I would think it very unfair to expect him to support this child if you choose to continue with the pregnancy.

I disagree. Pregnancy is a possible consequence of sex, even with contraception. If he is THAT set against having children he should not have had sex with OP. He should be held responsible for the consequences of his actions, even if only financially

Timandra · 24/08/2019 12:59

What ever the decision made, i would think it very unfair to expect him to support this child if you choose to continue with the pregnancy.

Why?

He had sex. Sex makes babies. He is the baby's father and absolutely should support him or her.

Termination is not contraception.

sue51 · 24/08/2019 13:13

Its your choice. He could have taken responsibility for his own fertility instead he left it all to you and his it "will ruin my life " is just hysterical dramatics. Take him out of the equation, if you have an abortion you might never forgive him, if you have a child he might never accept it. Concentrate on what you want. Could you be single parent?

thehouseinhousesitter · 24/08/2019 13:14

Take him out of the equation and make the decision. He doesn't get a say in what happens to your body. His choice was to have sex and accept the risks.

Now if you take him out what do you want to do?

Your relationship won't be the same even if you do terminate and I think you'll have to move on with your life without him either way.

Topseyt · 24/08/2019 13:17

I would terminate the relationship, not the pregnancy.

His attitude is awful. He doesn't get to dictate what you do with your body. If you want the baby then go ahead with the pregnancy. Tell him to shape up or ship out.

He needs to grow up. There is no "we" about making this particular decision. You are pregnant, he isn't.

The choice is fully yours. Good luck whatever you do, but make sure you do it for you, not to appease him.

sue51 · 24/08/2019 13:19

Of course he should support the child financially.

Mummadeeze · 24/08/2019 13:24

It is a tricky time. I was in a similar situation. My partner was initially happy but the freaked out, said he wasn’t ready etc. I would have had the baby but didn’t want to do it alone, so had an abortion. Afterwards I felt fine about it and made plans to start a business which I had always wanted to do so that at least something positive came out of the decision. My partner on the other hand was upset and really broody afterwards and regretted it. A year and a half later we had a planned baby together. I would go with the decision you want and he may come round. There is no ideal solution here but lots of guys feel unprepared when faced with a pregnancy so hopefully he will adapt once the baby is born. Good luck.

CookPassBabtridge · 24/08/2019 13:26

What if the relstionship ended naturally in a few months anyway and you'd terminated based on his wants.. you would regret it. I've had two terminations myself so not a pro-lifer, it just sounds like you really want it Thanks

Drum2018 · 24/08/2019 13:34

What ever the decision made, i would think it very unfair to expect him to support this child if you choose to continue with the pregnancy

He dipped his wick willingly I'm sure, so he has to face up to the fact that he is now responsible for his child, most especially financially. Up to him if he wants to be involved in baby's life but fuck him if he thinks he doesn't have to pay towards baby's upbringing.

Op do what you want for you, not him. He doesn't get to make that choice. If you terminate and end up splitting up, he'll no doubt carry on with his life without giving this baby a second thought, whereas you simply won't be able to. You have said you'd never terminate so don't let him force you into doing something you don't want.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 24/08/2019 13:42

Just echoing what others have said. Only have an abortion if it's what you want or feel you need. I was coerced by exH into it years ago, and it's the main reason he is an ex. I always resented him and myself for it. If I hadn't have done it, he'd probably have resented me and the marriage would have been over too anyway. He may come round to it, it's all a bit new at the moment but don't do it to appease him if it's not right for you.

AgentJohnson · 24/08/2019 13:43

I have been on the pill since getting with my partner a year ago (friends for many years before this).

What has being friends for many years prior have anything to do with your choice of contraception? Other than give you a false sense of security that you knew your bf better than you actually do.

He cannot force you to have a termination but you can’t force him into staying in the relationship.

This is the real him. He was happy for you to take full responsibility for contraception but wants the veto now its failed.

There’s a good chance that you will be a single parent and your bf will be amping up the pressure. Either way, the relationship you thought you had is over.

TriciaH87 · 24/08/2019 14:28

If you terminate you will resent him and hate yourself. A friend of mine did that and the relationship ended because she couldn't stand looking at him. Your body your choice. Take it from someone who found out at 18 they were expecting just after we split. Exs parents tried to offer taking me for a termination I told her where to go.

Skittlenommer · 24/08/2019 14:40

What ever the decision made, i would think it very unfair to expect him to support this child if you choose to continue with the pregnancy

Absolutely agree! If contraception was being used I strongly believe men should be able to completely opt out. Physically and financially.

Timandra · 24/08/2019 14:51

If contraception was being used I strongly believe men should be able to completely opt out.

You can never opt out from having created a life.

Men have the opportunity to opt out by not having sex in the first place - just like women.

Once there is a pregnancy, nobody gets to opt out. Whatever decision the mother takes has consequences. The father has no right to just shrug his shoulders and walk away.

JacquesHammer · 24/08/2019 14:55

If contraception was being used I strongly believe men should be able to completely opt out

Why?

Everyone knows contraception even with perfect use isn’t 100% reliable. You have sex, you therefore acknowledge a pregnancy could occur, why should a man be able to waive his responsibilities?

Skittlenommer · 24/08/2019 15:07

Everyone knows contraception even with perfect use isn’t 100% reliable. You have sex, you therefore acknowledge a pregnancy could occur, why should a man be able to waive his responsibilities?

Because if he had control at this point he’d opt for an abortion. Being able to out at this point is giving him post-contraception failure options too just like the OP has.

JacquesHammer · 24/08/2019 15:10

Because if he had control at this point he’d opt for an abortion. Being able to out at this point is giving him post-contraception failure options too just like the OP has

Total strawman.

It’s very simple, the only chance a man has to make a choice is before conception. THAT is when he has his say. He could have worn a condom if pregnancy was such a disaster. It’s all very basic biology.

Now there is a potential life he doesn’t get to abdicate responsibility.

Skittlenommer · 24/08/2019 15:18

It’s very simple, the only chance a man has to make a choice is before conception. THAT is when he has his say. He could have worn a condom if pregnancy was such a disaster. It’s all very basic biology. Now there is a potential life he doesn’t get to abdicate responsibility

He did make a choice before conception. To have what he though was protected sex with a method known to be about 99.7% reliable. He should have the right to opt out! If OP wants this baby she needs to be prepared to raise them alone.

JacquesHammer · 24/08/2019 15:32

To have what he though was protected sex with a method known to be about 99.7% reliable

So NOT 100% reliable and an obvious chance pregnancy could occur. And in fact the stat of 99.7% is referencing perfect use (and the opposite of “perfect use” isn’t always user error). The actual stat for typical use is about 91% effective.

Sod biology, it’s basic maths isn’t it.

minibroncs · 24/08/2019 15:35

Poor men, sob sob.

Skittlenommer · 24/08/2019 15:35

Still most people don’t have issues on the pill. Yes, he could have used a condom or better yet get a vasectomy.

JacquesHammer · 24/08/2019 15:47

Still most people don’t have issues on the pill. Yes, he could have used a condom or better yet get a vasectomy

And? The stats literally are there. He had his chance to prevent a pregnancy and didn’t take it - why on earth should he get to opt out of parental responsibility?

Sunflowers211 · 24/08/2019 15:55

Your bf is a c*nt, controlling emotionally abusive and manipulative. Of course you can do it on your own, millions of us out there who have. Never ever let a man control you like this, any decent bloke out there would never treat the woman they love like this. He ruined his own life by not covering up and taking precautions for his contraception.

Give yourself time and space away from him and think about what YOU want.