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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Madness to do it, or mean not to???

177 replies

hidinginthetoiletagain · 23/08/2019 21:03

Sorry, this is more of a WWYD than I AIBU...

It's my PILs 50th wedding anniversary next week and as they don't like big parties my BIL is having a small family BBQ at his house on the Sunday (he and his partner live round the corner from PiL). We didn't get a huge amount of notice about this from BIL and PIL didn't mention it at all as they assumed we wouldn't be able to come...

We have a 1.5 year old and a 3.5 year old and it is around 2.5 hour drive to their house. My husband has 2 jobs and will have worked a full day on the Saturday, plus 10pm-3am on the Sunday.

He insists that he will be 'fine' to drive etc. but I know I will be really anxious about it and so would end up having to drive both ways myself.

He will be back at work on the Monday (leaving at 07.15 in the morning) so we can't stay over and would have to do it in a day. At a pinch we probably had just about enough notice for him to have tried to book the Monday off but he didn't and now its definitely too late. In fairness it would have been all 4 of us in 1 small bedroom at his parents and I would probably have lost my mind...

BIL and his partner have a 6 month old that I am yet to meet and that my husband and children have only met once. I am obviously very keen for a cuddle!!

Should we go???

OP posts:
rugshade · 24/08/2019 19:21

It's also a good tip to babyproof your house so that the 1.5 year old can't hurt themselves (secure bookcases to walls, etc.).

I really do hope you find some of these tips helpful. I believe the council also runs some parenting tips classes, if you would find that helpful. There's no shame in asking for tips when you're struggling.

rugshade · 24/08/2019 19:22

That reads more patronising than I meant it to sound - I genuinely am trying to help - it's not sustainable (or normal) to not be able to live normal life with two kids. Imagine your own parents, I'm sure they didn't struggle to this extent.

CassianAndor · 24/08/2019 19:44

Oh, do sod off rug. If you work full time then you are far far far less with your DC that the OP, so your situations are utterly incomparable, which, if you had half a brain cell you would realise.

sounfairso · 24/08/2019 19:45

wouldn't be able to hear him in the shower if he hurt himself. I guess I could strap him down in his highchair whilst I showered, but honestly I'd rather get up a bit earlier and shower in peace.

You would t be strapping him down in a high hair you'd be strapping him in.

I never had to strap my child Dione FFS!

My husband worked six nights a week, I was stay at home mum and ran the home almost single handedly without the need to strap my child down.

There is an awful lot of space and parenting between following them round like a shadow and not being able to move out of their sight and strapping them down...

You need to learn sone of those skills and as you say stop being "wet".

sounfairso · 24/08/2019 19:46

@CassianAndor I was SAHP and feel the same as rug! Sorry but OP is not using parenting skills well.

hidinginthetoiletagain · 24/08/2019 20:04

I'm going to bow out of this one now Smile. Thanks to everyone who responded.
And thanks for your tips rugshade I don't remember saying I was struggling, but I appreciate your thoughtful insights nonetheless... Halo. I run the occasional parenting class myself, I'll be sure to remember to mention putting your child in a highchair, putting the telly on and toddler-proofing. I really think it'll be life-changing.

Anyhow, my kids have actually gone to sleep at a fairly reasonable time for once, so I'm off to have a nice long shower.... Grin

OP posts:
Silversun83 · 24/08/2019 21:01

I know you don't need any reassurance @hidinginthetoiletagain but your DC sound very similar to mine (3.3 and 17 months) and I am also constantly exhausted (as far as I am aware, I also do not have any medical issues Grin). Could have written exactly your descriptions of your day!

Also agree that a day at work is so much more relaxing! And yes, when you're all out all day, there definitely much less to do around the house! Looks pointedly at certain posters. Less cleaning food off the walls for starters

Silversun83 · 24/08/2019 21:02

*there's

rugshade · 24/08/2019 21:14

You run a parenting class Hmm

lawnmowingsucks · 24/08/2019 22:26

and wrangling my crazy children

Sure does sound like you ARE struggling @hidinginthetoiletagain

I run the occasional parenting class myself,

ConfusedHmmShock

sounfairso · 24/08/2019 22:54

@hidinginthetoiletagain tell me the parenting class comment was tongue in cheek....please

yesteaandawineplease · 25/08/2019 08:05

op if you do check on this I just wanted to say i understand you feeling tired and not being able to do much while your kids are around. I'm exactly the same. my 3 dc are lovely but very energetic and I cant do anything particularly meaningful while they are buzzing around. my 18month old won't watch tv and I wouldn't strap him in something or put him in his cot so I could do clean. so it gets done when he's sleeping. and therefore I'm on the go a lot.

I'm astonished at the posters on this site atm who appear not to have any empathy or an understanding that people are different and then belittle people for it. there was another thread a few dsys ago where the poster said she was depressed and having suicidal thoughts because she was so overwhelmed with her young dc. half the posters were like "well what did you except" wtf is wrong with these people?!

sounfairso · 25/08/2019 08:34

@yesteaandawineplease I'm not belittling anyone but to not be able to take a shower with two children is ridiculous.

One of those children is about to start school, how are they going to behave when they can't sit down for twenty minutes?

And the OP started with the "strapping down" in a high chair, incurring that someone it was a cruel thing to do, I for safety strapped mine in a high chair and as the OP says her child is non stop climbing I assume she does the same.

I also suggested Lego, books, 20 mins in cot with toys etc. As these were not controversial only the high chair and TV were picked up on.

I still stand by a parent should be able to shower with two pre schoolers awake. How does she prepare lunch etc? Dinner?

rugshade · 25/08/2019 08:37

@yesteaandawineplease I think people are a bit astounded that the OP, who struggles with very basic parenting, gives parenting classes.

In terms of empathy, we have offered the OP practical advice - her situation is not normal or sustainable. That's the most useful thing we can do!

sounfairso · 25/08/2019 08:38

@yesteaandawineplease and why on earth wouldn't you put a child in their cot to play?

CassianAndor · 25/08/2019 08:52

rug no, the most useful thing you and soun can do is just back off on this thread.

And ‘people’ aren’t shocked. Only you two are.

rugshade · 25/08/2019 08:53

@yesteaandawineplease I believe the suggestion was to get kitchen jobs done while the 1.5 year old was eating in their highchair. Do you not use a highchair at mealtimes? Why not?

Also, yes to doing housework while 1.5 year old is napping! That's 1-3 hours free every day. If the OP's 1.5 year old doesn't nap, there's something wrong there, and the OP seriously needs to consider medical intervention or parenting intervention, as recommended.

sounfairso · 25/08/2019 08:55

@CassianAndor every right to be here, it's a public forum, your not the forum police,

I think a LOT of people are shocked!

How are these children going to deal with school? Won't have a one to two children ratio there.

rugshade · 25/08/2019 08:57

@sounfairso Good point. I would hope a 4 year old could entertain themselves for a good chunk of time!

QueenofmyPrinces · 25/08/2019 09:32

How are these children going to deal with school?

GrinGrin

Is anyone else feeling highly amused by Rug and sounfairso Grin

There’s no way on earth I would have a shower and leave my 2 year old unsupervised. I shower when my husband is home.

I have a feeling that, like the rest of us, OP is finding your response to this thread very bizarre Grin

sounfairso · 25/08/2019 10:01

@QueenofmyPrinces GrinGrin really? Wow! How about when they're 3? 5?

sounfairso · 25/08/2019 10:05

@QueenofmyPrinces you're telling me you couldn't have a two year old in the bathroom playing on the floor with some toys whilst you took a shower?

I hope you never get constipated, you'd be in deep trouble!

rugshade · 25/08/2019 10:07

I hope you never get constipated, you'd be in deep trouble!

Grin
NoSquirrels · 25/08/2019 10:09

Is anyone else feeling highly amused by Rug and sounfair

Yes! Imagine the horror: Parent of 2 Preschoolers Admits Feeling Tired. I can see the headlines now. Or perhaps: Parent of 2 Preschoolers Showers Before They Wake - and an in depth article on why this could be avoided.

In terms of empathy, we have offered the OP practical advice - her situation is not normal or sustainable. That's the most useful thing we can do!

Rather think you’ve missed by a wide margin the definition of empathy...

If the OP's 1.5 year old doesn't nap, there's something wrong there, and the OP seriously needs to consider medical intervention or parenting intervention, as recommended.

Well, my DC had given up napping full stop by 18 months. Guess someone should have “intervened”. DC certainly appears to be unscathed so far (though the jury’s out on the effects on me!)

Seriously- OP sounds perfectly normal!

HoppingPavlova · 25/08/2019 10:21

Also, yes to doing housework while 1.5 year old is napping! That's 1-3 hours free every day. If the OP's 1.5 year old doesn't nap, there's something wrong there, and the OP seriously needs to consider medical intervention or parenting intervention, as recommended.

Now child also needs medical assistance. Mum and child can book in for a 2 for 1 deal Grin. Let’s preempt a medical problem with the 4yo nextHmm.

This will curl your hair. One of mine never really slept of a day from birth. Had 10-15min catnaps here and there. Only woke once at night for a feed, went straight back to sleep and then slept through the night 10pm-6am from 5 weeks. Annoying as shit during the day but I was grateful for the full nights sleep. Told paed at the standard 6 week appointment and they just shrugged and said while not usual all babies are different and as they seemed healthy, growing etc just accept the luck of the draw that enabled a good nights sleep. They certainly didn’t seem concerned. Catnapping stopped at 9mths.

One of my other kids is at the other extreme and did nothing but sleep for well over the ‘typical’ time right up to school age.

There is this thing called a bell curve. Generally 90% of people lie in the ‘body’ of the bell (and are pretty much like the Borg) but 5% will lie in each tail on either side. That’s normal. In actual fact, so normal it’s referred to as ‘Normal Distribution’. So while 90% of kids that age may sleep for a certain amount of time (thus being considered typical), 5% will sleep for less and 5% will sleep for more and how much less/more gets more extreme as you move along the tail. That’s okay, it does not mean by default there is a medical problem, just not all kids are ‘typical’ and that’s actually normal.

The first baby I described is now an adult. Still not keen on sleep. Leads an incredibly active life (extremely high energy as they always have been from birth), physically healthy. Finds 5hr sleep per night more than adequate and can happily function on less. The second baby I described still loves sleep and on weekends or when on hols 11hrs is their default normal. So each has continued on with their more extreme pattern, it’s just part of who they are and normal for them.

Might add, first one has a rip roaring case of ADHD, but well controlledGrin. ADHD not diagnosed until around 7yo, until then just considered a ‘high energy boy’ but it was obviously there from birth. Rugshade, as you are an expert, I want you to tell me what healthcare professionals are meant to do with these babies. Exactly what medical and parenting intervention is required for these babies/toddlers/young children, many of whom (not all, and not saying OP’s child is necessarily in this basket) will lie naturally on the tail ends of the bell curve including examples such as ADHD which can’t be diagnosed until older. I want you to be really specific here about the medical and parenting interventions that you know will fix this (given you are adamant it must be fixed). A whole lot of medical professionals and parents are waiting for your expert pearls of wisdom on this. And so much more no doubt. Actually, after imparting your wisdom here, put it all together in a book, maybe titled ‘Perfect child care for medical staff and parents’. BestsellerGrin.