Madness to do it, or mean not to???

[hidinginthetoiletagain]

Sorry, this is more of a WWYD than I AIBU...

It's my PILs 50th wedding anniversary next week and as they don't like big parties my BIL is having a small family BBQ at his house on the Sunday (he and his partner live round the corner from PiL). We didn't get a huge amount of notice about this from BIL and PIL didn't mention it at all as they assumed we wouldn't be able to come...

We have a 1.5 year old and a 3.5 year old and it is around 2.5 hour drive to their house. My husband has 2 jobs and will have worked a full day on the Saturday, plus 10pm-3am on the Sunday.

He insists that he will be 'fine' to drive etc. but I know I will be really anxious about it and so would end up having to drive both ways myself.

He will be back at work on the Monday (leaving at 07.15 in the morning) so we can't stay over and would have to do it in a day. At a pinch we probably had just about enough notice for him to have tried to book the Monday off but he didn't and now its definitely too late. In fairness it would have been all 4 of us in 1 small bedroom at his parents and I would probably have lost my mind...

BIL and his partner have a 6 month old that I am yet to meet and that my husband and children have only met once. I am obviously very keen for a cuddle!!

Should we go???

I have a 6 ans 3 year old. 6 year old does have sen but even so I TOTALLY get what you mean abiut being exhausting. All so understand you being annoyed at having that one day where you get help eaten into.
Glad you're going though. I think it'll mean a lot to everyone x

I'm sorry that everyone you know is tired. That's strange. I'm really not sure why. It's just minding two children- head to the park or library for a while each day, an hour of screen time, a nap for the 1.5 year old, some reading/colouring/playing, mealtimes. This would be a very relaxing day for me. Do you find it very stressful being with the kids, is that why you're tired? Have you gone to the GP to check for anaemia, anxiety, etc?

Winner of one of the strangest posts ever. I think it’s really abnormal for anyone with young kids to NOT be constantly tired/exhausted. It’s not so much the physical aspect but they are utterly mentally exhausting. That makes you tired.

If a parent of kids that age (or indeed just ‘kids’) came to me thinking there was something wrong and demanding tests for anaemia etc I’d probably look at them like they had two heads. Mine are adults and teens now but I’m still knackered.

ohtheroses I agree that it is rude that we had not yet confirmed (though 'unspeakably' might be a tad dramatic...). However, the party is next Sunday not this Sunday (so not Bank Holiday weekend) and we only got told about it about a week ago. It really is a pretty low key event, not the big family party everyone seems to be imagining. Surely it is my husband's responsibility to RSVP not mine? He revived the invite (via WhatsApp) and he had forgotten all about it. Maybe that's weird, but it's his family dynamics not mine.

Do you have to drive all the way? Could you, for instance, do most of it by train and then if necessary hire a car or get a taxi?

Hi OP,
It sounds like you have things sorted and will muddle through the driving/short visit with your husband.

However if you (and he of course) do feel it is too much for him - or on another occasion that crops up do consider going alone with the kids.

Without the restrictions of your hubbys work you could leave the previous evening so your kids are very likely to sleep in the car, then (finances permitting - and a buggy!) slip them into bed in a travel lodge or premier inn for usually less than £40). You can wake up and have a brekkie for less than £10 (kids normally eat free with a paying adult - 2 kids I think) and then head out. You don't usually need to be out if the room until 12 so plenty of time. If your kids are early risers you could go via a park. Then have a day with the family and drive back in the evening again when the kids are likely to sleep.

Although you and the family will miss your hubby I think you making the effort - because your work allows even if his does not, would mean a lot to them.

Do you have to drive all the way? Could you, for instance, do most of it by train and then if necessary hire a car or get a taxi?

It’s a 2.5hr drive ......... hardly a transcontinental journey requiring different modes of transport .

It's good you are going because I guarantee that when you look back you will be glad. 50th wedding anniversary is not only a big one, but also towards the end of the list of big celebrations pil will do.

Wow! Sorry for hitting a nerve! I genuinely don't understand what you all find so tiring about having kids. Are you not getting enough sleep maybe? What is it that PP's find "exhausting"? Hanging out with the kids in general, or doing the housework, or both? I genuinely don't find those things taxing or stressful or exhausting. Sorry to offend!

Parent of the year award goes to......

Drum roll please......

Happy for you Rug - I only have two children and I’m pretty exhausted most of the time

I thought exhaustion was par for the course of having children but I guess not Now I just have to figure out what I’m doing wrong....

Do you work as well, rug? Have very clingy or challenging children? Have a DH that is around more than the OP’s DH? Have any fucking understanding or empathy at all?

Thanks for all the tips/ideas folks. We have done it a few times before (just not after my husband's worked so late the night before) and it's always been a bit of a nightmare tbh... The kids generally get completely hyped up and over-tired and scream for the first half of the journey home, then fall asleep for just long enough to be WIDE AWAKE when we get home... We'll try leaving later and hope for the best!

rugshade I guess I find it physically tiring as it's a lot of carrying, running/chasing, swimming, swing pushing etc. I also find it emotionally tiring as my daughter is going through a very anxious, clingy, demanding phase at the moment and I worry about it. I also only get about 6 hours sleep on average even though they both 'sleep through', as my daughter is struggling to go to sleep and my son wakes up at 6ish and I have quite a lot of stuff to get done in the evenings. I can't really leave them unattended for any length of time so I have to do housework/showers etc. when they're asleep.

I dunno, maybe I'm doing it wrong? What's your secret?

Lol at Rug!! Even now I'm tired with a 10 and 13 year old, must be doing it wrong. They seem to have so many activities it's a constant driving around, going from one place to the next, getting in late and then having to get stuff ready for the next day.

When mine were OP's age the youngest one never slept at night or napped so there was no relaxing time, add to that a husband which does shifts or funny hours (like OP's) it's a nightmare at times!

Perhaps rug should write a book to show us where we've gone wrong!

Oh and to answer the original question yes do it! Like others have said take pjs and toothbrushes and take them home like that. I often did that with mine when visiting friends that lived a bit away and they still talk fondly of it now. Added to the excitement

You drive there while he sleeps he drives back and you sleep?

Can you go with the DC the day before? That’s what I’d want to do!

Either - you and DC get the train on Saturday and leave DH the car to join you. Driving once he’s up, and in his own time not having to get DC sorted too he’d be fine even after the late night.

Or you drive Saturday and he gets the train Sunday. Timetables often a bit tricky Sundays, is all.

Rugshade

Your posts are patronising and unpleasant. I don’t believe for a second that you are actually Sorry for hitting a nerve! no one could be that stupid so it’s clear that you are intending to upset the OP. I think that is far more ‘sad’ than the OP being tired.

rugshade, kids are not all the same.
Some need constant attention because of them talking to you, playing with you and / or likely to do something dangerous, even with safe stuff like crayons or cushions.

Yes, I do work full time, as does my husband. I don't find weekends stressful or "exhausting", including when I'm on my own (if my husband is away for the weekend with friends, for example), and vice versa - my husband doesn't find parenting exhausting if I'm away for the weekend.

OP, what could you possibly need to do until midnight, if you're a SAHM? We work full time, kids are in bed by 7.30, do a few chores, relax and bed by 10. Our children wake up at 6 also, as we need to get them ready for the day.

Rereading your latest post - you can't do housework or shower when your 4 and 1.5 year old are awake? Surely others agree with me that that's extreme? Genuinely, reflect on what's happening there/how you can do things differently, because that is needlessly difficult.

I'm with @rugshade if you can't do housework or shower when your non sen children are awake then you need to look at why!

Utterly ridiculous.

My children were 20 mo this apart and energetic kids, they still had to fit in with "life".

I feel we're drifting somewhat away from the point of my OP rugshade but let's just accept that everyone's different and it's not a competition. Your situation sounds very different from mine. I imagine that if you and your husband are out at work every day and your children are in full-time childcare there is very little housework etc. to do most days, as there's no one in the house! Similarly you and your husband clearly both have weekends off, enabling you, I imagine, to take turns having a lie in etc. I think you even mention wekkends away with your friends!!! My husband works every Saturday and then goes back every Saturday evening to work again till 3am. Neither of us ever have a weekend away. Neither of us have a lie in. You get 8 hours sleep every night!

As I mentioned in a previous post, I find my job far less tiring than my children and so I also imagine that if I was at work all week I would have much more energy at the weekend and probably would find 'hanging out' with my kids more relaxing.

It is great that you are able to leave your 1 year old unattended whilst you have a shower etc. but I don't feel it would be safe to do so with mine. He is very active and curious, climbs on everything, runs around bumps himself etc. I wouldn't be able to hear him in the shower if he hurt himself. I guess I could strap him down in his highchair whilst I showered, but honestly I'd rather get up a bit earlier and shower in peace.

Just put of curiosity, what do you and sounfairso do with your children whilst your showering, cleaning in other rooms etc.?

@hidinginthetoiletagain my children are long grown up ...

4 year old, look at a book, build some Lego, watch 20 mins tv. Presumably they are near school age and easily do that!

18 months in cot. Variety of toys or in bedroom with toys and a gate.

I honestly find not being able to shower whilst your children are awake ludicrous!

They could also be in the bathroom with you with sone toys on the floor.

1.5 year old hangs out with me upstairs with the bathroom door open - he pops in and out. Or he plays with my 4 year old. Or I pop the TV on. You should try these things.

As for housework, I imagine we have just as much laundry as your family. My kids hang out playing in the sitting room or kitchen while I'm loading the washing machine/dryer. Or they help by bringing the wet clothes from the machine to the clothes horse for me. A good time to get kitchen jobs done is while the 1.5 year old is in his high chair eating.

agree with @rugshade the highchair is great when doing housework.

Obviously the 4 year old can "help".