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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Madness to do it, or mean not to???

177 replies

hidinginthetoiletagain · 23/08/2019 21:03

Sorry, this is more of a WWYD than I AIBU...

It's my PILs 50th wedding anniversary next week and as they don't like big parties my BIL is having a small family BBQ at his house on the Sunday (he and his partner live round the corner from PiL). We didn't get a huge amount of notice about this from BIL and PIL didn't mention it at all as they assumed we wouldn't be able to come...

We have a 1.5 year old and a 3.5 year old and it is around 2.5 hour drive to their house. My husband has 2 jobs and will have worked a full day on the Saturday, plus 10pm-3am on the Sunday.

He insists that he will be 'fine' to drive etc. but I know I will be really anxious about it and so would end up having to drive both ways myself.

He will be back at work on the Monday (leaving at 07.15 in the morning) so we can't stay over and would have to do it in a day. At a pinch we probably had just about enough notice for him to have tried to book the Monday off but he didn't and now its definitely too late. In fairness it would have been all 4 of us in 1 small bedroom at his parents and I would probably have lost my mind...

BIL and his partner have a 6 month old that I am yet to meet and that my husband and children have only met once. I am obviously very keen for a cuddle!!

Should we go???

OP posts:
Catsandchardonnay · 24/08/2019 07:47

Definitely go. It’s a really special occasion and it would mean so much to them for you to be there. 5 hours driving isn’t that much. I often make a 6 hour round trip to see my mum. Kids and DH can sleep in the car. Maybe DH could drive for an hour? Get everything ready the day before.

HoppingPavlova · 24/08/2019 07:52

It’s a once in a lifetime event. Just organise yourself to leave home at 7am. Drive half way, have a break for 30min where you have a coffee and let kids run for 30min. Arrive at 10am. Leave at 4pm, do same coming home, arrive 7pm, give kids toast and into bed. Not a drama.

We live in Australia and that distance would be seen as standard, not a long or hard drive and kids are generally used to it from birth so no issue. We did suffer stuff like Wiggles songs for quite a few years though, that was the worst partGrin.

mamansnet · 24/08/2019 07:53

In your position, I'd be driving up with the kids on the Saturday and staying overnight. Your DH can join you by train whenever he can get there, then you drive back together. Kids are less tired, PILs get extra time with GC and you get to have a large glass of wine when you arrive Grin

Perunatop · 24/08/2019 07:55

IMO a 50th wedding anniversary merits considerable effort to attend. It is after all a fairly rare event. I would go.

OMGshefoundmeout · 24/08/2019 07:58

It’s a massive deal and a huge family event. I am sure any photos of the children, grandchildren and grandparents together will be treasured for many years. Also, if they’ve been married 50 years they are probably getting on now and there won’t be too many more opportunities like this.

If you drive there OP your DH can snooze in the passenger seat. Then after the party you can decide who drives back or whether you share the driving.

Watchingthyme · 24/08/2019 07:59

Yes go
Simple really.

RuthW · 24/08/2019 08:01

Of course you should go. It's his parent's golden wedding.

rugshade · 24/08/2019 08:04

I'm sorry that everyone you know is tired. That's strange. I'm really not sure why. It's just minding two children- head to the park or library for a while each day, an hour of screen time, a nap for the 1.5 year old, some reading/colouring/playing, mealtimes. This would be a very relaxing day for me. Do you find it very stressful being with the kids, is that why you're tired? Have you gone to the GP to check for anaemia, anxiety, etc?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 24/08/2019 08:08

Don't give it another thought - just go!!. When my kids were little my DH worked overseas a lot of the time so I was often on my own with our two.

I wouldn't have thought twice about doing a 5-hr round car trip on my own with the children to visit family and/ or friends. Did it frequently.

Agree that you should share the driving and put kids in PJs and ready for bed for the return journey. I loved getting their sleepy little bodies out of the car at the end of a long day out and slipping them into bed.

scubadive · 24/08/2019 08:14

Definitely go, let DH drive there you drive back.

Do not leave at 6pm and let kids be awake when you get back. Take pyjamas, put them in them before leaving. Leave at 7pm, tgey’ll Sleep, lift them straight into bed at home.

I did this many times when my children were young, works fine, they might stir when transferring, if still light when you get back, take a blanket put it over your heads when carrying into house, have bedroom curtains already closed (ie close before you go) children will just carrying on sleeping or will soon be back off.

OtraCosaMariposa · 24/08/2019 08:15

This is totally do-able. Don't be so wet.

DH finishes work at 3am, asleep by 4. Up at 10.30 quick shower and leave the house at 11. He drives if he wants. At the inlaws by 1. Nice long afternoon at what is a fairly important family occasion.

Leave by 6, you drive, he snoozes if he wants to. Home at 8.30.

As an everyday routine it's far from ideal but as a one off for an important family get together just get on with it. All this hand wringing about the kids being in the car so long - they'll sleep all the way home anyway probably and it's ONE DAY.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 24/08/2019 08:16

@rugshade are you actually for real?!! Leave the op alone, millions of parents around the world are tired with young children , surely you know that?
You sound like you have a screw loose tbh

Esto · 24/08/2019 08:18

Ah rugshade of course it's 'just minding two children' that's a 'very relaxing day'! Of course it is! That's why SAHPs are so refreshed and relaxed all the time.

OP while I think you should probably go:

It is very normal to be very tired with two small toddlers, it does not mean you are ill Confused

A 2.5 hour drive each way in one day is quite a long way and not something we would take on lightly either.

scubadive · 24/08/2019 08:18

Re driving there, when mine were little, I’d fill a small rucksack each with small toys, cars, books, colouring etc which worked well. Then bought a cheap portable DVD player when a bit older (when they existed) you hang the screens on the backs of the front seat chairs. One Disney film will fill almost the whole journey, your journey will be a doddle then and you get to rest on journey.

JustDanceAddict · 24/08/2019 08:19

I would go, share the driving. Definitely stay until the kids’ bedtime - take PJs and toothbrushes and then you’re sorted.
I remember doing a 2 hr drive x 2 when dd was tiny to a family party thing. She screamed all the way home despite stopping for feeds but it was worth it.

QueenofmyPrinces · 24/08/2019 08:27

@rugshade are you actually for real?!! Leave the op alone, millions of parents around the world are tired with young children , surely you know that?
You sound like you have a screw loose tbh

My thoughts exactly Grin Grin

TriciaH87 · 24/08/2019 08:33

I would say just do it. If he can drive half the way there and half the way back great if not it could be worse. I know it's tiring I had to do a 3 and a half hour drive and the same back in a day for a family funeral but I did it. At least its a happy occasion. If its too much get dp to call in sick Monday and split the driving. His parents will be pleased you showed its a big day for them.

cheeseandpineapple · 24/08/2019 08:34

Glad to hear you’ve decided to go OP. Given how much your husband wants to go, it’s worth making it happen and sounds doable particularly if you’re willing to do the driving so he can get some extra sleep. And if it turns out to be a hassle you can legitimately say no next time.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/08/2019 08:37

I’d go. Maybe it will give him a break. Working two jobs then having to do toddler respite on his day off sounds like he gets very little down time.

Original poster
hidinginthetoiletagain · 24/08/2019 08:38

Thank you everyone, you've genuinely really helped Smile. You're right I am a bit wet (generally) and was probably looking for reasons not to go. In my defence my husband had forgotten all about it until I reminded him yesterday that we really needed to let BIL know one way or another...

I showed my husband some of your replies before he left this morning. He was particularly delighted by the suggestion I am controlling (I'll be hearing A LOT about that I imagine....). His driving is a bit irratic at the best of times, but I am also probably a bit over anxious....

Anyway, we've confirmed we're coming. MIL will be chuffed and my daughter especially will be SUPER excited to see her grandparents and baby cousin.

rugshade I'm not sure what to say? I don't think it's 'sad' to be tired, I'm very happy in my marriage, love my kids and have a good job. I thought being knackered was just par for the course at this stage of life/kids??

I guess some people just have less energy (but are not unwell) and some kids are very full on (without having SEN).

OP posts:
sounfairso · 24/08/2019 08:41

*orry hairydogs my OP wasn't very clear. He'll be working all day on the Saturday and then going back out to work at 10pm on the Saturday until 3am on the Sunday morning (so realistically probably not in bed asleep till 4amish). This means that I'll have to get up with the kids and get them ready, pack everything we need etc. We'll have to leave at 10ish, so he'll probably only get 5 hours sleep (and will have worked 14 of the previous 24 hours) so I will also have to do most of the driving/toddler wrangling etc.

We'll probably stay till 5/6ish I'd imagine as the kids will almost certainly sleep on the way home and then won't want to go to bed for a least a couple of hours once we get back...*

Yeah you'll have to drive - no big deal is it?

BertrandRussell · 24/08/2019 08:46

I’m with the leave with the kids in pyjamas at a late bedtime.did this loads when dcs were little. Dp and I used to look forward to chatting in the car once they were asleep.

LetsSplashMummy · 24/08/2019 08:51

Could you go up earlier, on Saturday morning and DH get a train or something on the Sunday? Three of you overnight would be nicer than 5hrs in a car in a single day. DH is at work anyway, so you aren't missing him out.

After the party, I'd get the kids ready for bed at ILs and stick them in the car to return at bedtime (ish), so they sleep in the car but their sleep isn't too disrupted. Sleeping 5-7.30 would cause days of problems to get over.

I think you have to go, but should fiddle with the logistics to make it more enjoyable all round. Look at each thing you are dreading and fix them one by one.

CherryPavlova · 24/08/2019 08:53

Yes definitely go. It’s their Golden wedding and grandchildren should be there if possible.

Five hours isn’t all in one go. They’ll probably sleep all the way back. I drove 5 hours round trip for us to have lunch with friends last weekend. It didn’t seem too bad. We used to do it regularly to see granny as I rarely wanted to stay overnight.

Goodie bags in car. Download singalong music like Fun Song Factory. A couple of loo stops. A puppet for their father to do short stories and shows. You’ll be fine; make it an adventure.

OhTheRoses · 24/08/2019 09:14

As it's bank holiday weekend I'd let your dh have three hours sleep and leave at 7 to avoud the traffic. You drive there, arriving at 10ish - he kips a bit in the car and then gets his head down for a few hours before lunch Meanwhile you take the children out or someone else might.

DH drives home and I'd leave at 8pm with dc's jim jammed. If they sleep on the way home it won't feel like they have been in the car all day to them.

I think to have left your confirmation until now for such a key event was unspeakably rude though and I'd be a bit grumpy if I were hosting. Remember too your SIL who is putting on the party has a 6 month old.

Our DC who were v v active would have been absolutely fine. DH was out of the house for 14 hours a day when they were little and they were v v active and like labrador puppies needed oodles of exercise. It was physically tiring and they were awful sleepers but I'd have managed what is being proposed easily. However I'd probably have been more organised. The invitation would have been accepted or declined immediately, dH would have been given his instructions re work and we would have booked a hotel the night before and would have offered to help the hosts make it as good a day as possible for the ILs.