My children have sucked the life out of me

[Cindy55]

I have three children under five, and I feel the last five years have been the worst of my life. I’m a SAHM which wasn’t my choice as we can’t afford childcare as my profession doesn’t pay much.

My kids are difficult, they cry 24.7, whinge and destroy everything they touch. Every simple task has become difficult, getting them to brush their teeth, eating their fruit and veg, brushing their hair, they act like feral animals all the time.

I rush everything all day, I’m rushing to have a shower, brushing my teeth, laundry, cleaning, hoovering before the next child wakes or cries. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair sometimes. I was eating an apple as fast as I could as my DD was whinging for something, I nearly choked and that’s when I broke down crying hysterically. That in my pathetic life I can’t even finish a stupid apple properly.

I have no support, DH works long hours as he doesn’t earn much so we need the overtime. He comes home at nine, by then I’m just a zombie watching any shite on tv. Then he kicks off as I’m not bubbly or attentive enough to listen to his work stories. From 6am to 7.30pm I’m just running after my kids. After 7.30 I put the house back together, clean kitchen etc. By 9, I want one hour to myself doing nothing not rushing anything, but I can’t as my DH wants company and chatter.

My friends and family live miles away, they don’t visit anyway as my kids are too much for them. Obviously we aren’t invited as no one wants three kids staying with them. My siblings don’t have any children and make no effort with mine. I haven’t made any new friends here, so its a very lonely existence.

I miss my old life. I miss working, wearing nice clothes, having a nice social life, having money to buy things, having conversations with people, eating out, exercising etc. I haven’t felt any joy in years, I don’t find happiness in anything anymore. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t here anymore, that I just die in my sleep.

I don’t know what I’m asking advice for but I hate being a mother. I feel they have sucked every ounce of who I was, and sometimes I regret having them. So I feel like a horrible mother all the time.

I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

Glad for you howyou when dd was ill the GP and the CAMHS Manager told me to get her help off the internet . Fortunately we cd pay for private xlinocal care.

Oh OP

If you can make your DH spend at least 1 of the weekend days then 3 things will happen.
1 you have a little time to yourself
2 He gets a taste of what you have to do
3 the kids get more attention form him which might be a reason they are so feral......another adult to be stricter will be good for them and even if he can't be strict it is good for kids to have more than one adult to be there for them.

I hope that you can make DH cooperate with you as you are desperate and I do not blame you at all.

I hope you get that day to yourself very soon and make sure you go out for some of the time so you cannot be pulled in at all.

Perhaps you could make a friend find work for one day at the weekend and start to find you again.

Check out Home-start in your area. You can self refer and a volunteer can support you.

I agree with other posters saying you need some time to yourself. Good luck!

Unfortunately I have no wise words to offer you but wanted to send you 💐

You poor thing.
Today is Friday, tomorrow get up, dump the crying children onto DH in bed - he does not have the 'excuse' of having to work. Lock yourself in the bathroom, brush your teeth have a shower, take your time. Ignore WW3 that will inevitably happen. Get dressed, walk out the door. Take a day to yourself. Ignore your frantic calls from your DH.
Then sit down and make a plan. You both work full time, not just DH. And yes to the Saturday job !!!! Good luck OP

I haven't read the thread but had to comment. I had under 3 then 4 under 6 so can feel your pain. It is relentless and so, so hard. 2 of mine have additional needs and some days i wanted to die. None of my siblings or dh's siblings had kids then either and I thought I was going mad. d

Shout for help. It is not weakness, it is strength to recognise to be the best mum you cannot do it all. Speak to your gp. To be a great mum you need to look after you.

So much love to you. I hope you can see a way to make it better. You are more amazing than you know.

I have felt like this and I only have 2 children, I had them quite close in age and still struggled even with help nearby. I’m not a Sahm, I’m writing a PhD up so I’m juggling trying to work with doing 90% childcare. My husband has always given me a bit of time off at weekends though and will let me lie in bed when he’s not at work, I think that’s the only thing that has kept be sane the past 3 years.

It’s so tough, I can totally see where you are coming from. If you can’t get any help from family well your husband is going to have to step up at weekends, just give you a little break. People think being a sahm is easy, I did 2 lots of maternity leave with very little time in between so I was effectively off 2 years, it nearly drove me mad. I found being at home harder than getting up and going to work.

You need like minded peers. I don’t think I could have survived mentally without the support of other mums who are still firm friends 10 years later and I only had 2. We would meet up throughout the week and to worthy child centred things then on Fridays from 4 would meet up and drink wine. I found our local gp crying in the road outside our house when she had 3 under 5s and she is the calmest most professional person ever.

I have had three under five a few years ago (now they are 8, 6 and 4). The older they get the easier it gets (whatever anyone says). Older kids can be talked to and reasoned with (even if they don;t listen). Older kids are real company and you can have a laugh with them - babies and young toddlers can still make you feel lonely - this is from someone who used to work with kids, is currenltly homeschooling and likes being at home with them! I really think your DH needs to do more to help, especially at weekends. My DH does no housework or shopping but he does help out with the children. Also have you a group of Mum friends with children the same age you can talk to? Can you look after each others kids so one of you gets a break in turns sometimes? It really really does get easier as they get older.

I can relate, we had 3 under 14 months. Eldest is 3.5 now. Feel free to message me, I am exhausted. I feel like life is a cycle of meals, nappies, potty emptying and cleaning up mess from meals. Screeching at the baby gate while I try and have a drink or something to eat...

Oh shut up @Thornhill58 someone else's situation is not relevant. Someone will ALWAYS have it worse. If someone has a heart attack someone could say "oh well at least you're not dead my friend died of..... At..... Age" it's not top trumps. The op is likely suffering from mental health issues at the moment and quite frankly I don't think you could have a clue how hard 3 under 3 is. When I had pnd I remember some weirdo saying "oh but so many women are infertile" like that was helpful.

I hate to be horrible and not supportive but children are a choice and you and your husband made 3 of them

A few people here would have benefited from being reminded that having children is optional. Why go on to have more when it’s obvious after the first one how hard it is?

Yes Thornhill58 shut up. I think everyone at some point has had a difficult time as a parent to very small children, of course children is a choice to many and it’s something people want and plan for. It doesn’t mean you can’t admit you are struggling and need help just because you decided to have them! A silly way to think.

You need to go to your gp and tell them how you feel. I would also get them to do blood tests and check that your not anemic, short of vitamin b and that your throid is working properly. I have a friend who gets anemic and she said I have no energy if my iron gets to low.
I would also get some anti depressants to help you feel better and say that X or y did not help you in the past. I would ask your gp what services are available for mother's like you in the local area ie mother and baby group s ect..
You need to sit down with your DH and tell him I am worn out as I am all day, every day with 3 kids under 5. Tell him you not sleeping well either. I would be getting your youngest child into their own cot if they are not already in one.
I would tell him that he needs to step up in the evenings and at the weekends and that he has no choice in this matter.
Don't listen to him saying I need a break after working all week. When do you get a brake from mammy, mammy, fights, smelly nappies ect?
No wonder your feeling rotten at the moment. I would tell him that next Saturday he is minding his children for the full day. Go off and get your hair done and buy yourself something nice.
Your DH needs to realise that you need a brake on a regular basis.Let him mind the kids on his own for a day as he needs to realise all you do each day.
As a happy wife is a happy life.

Yes it was my decision to have three children, but I didn’t realise how difficult it would be. If that makes me stupid then yes I’m obviously am short of few brain cells. Everyone made it look so easy, they all looked happy and said it’s completed them. I seeked that unconditional love from a child, but of course it’s not plain sailing.

Thanks for all the love and advice, I put a plan in action before the thoughts become reality. I live next to a deep lake that has several warnings about swimming in there, I thought what if I just walk out and jump in right now? That’s why I’ve made a plan with all your advice.

1. I’ve googled homestart and I have sent an email to my local one asking for support.

2. I’m going to ring the GP on Monday morning for an appointment. As well as medication I’m going to request counselling too.

3. I spoke to my DH who looked irritated initially but seemed to understand towards the end. We’ve agreed he will take the kids out every Saturday to the park for at least two hours. He will do Saturday bath time and cook, he will continue to play Rugby on Sundays but will take over Sunday bedtime.

4. He wasn’t happy about a Saturday job, but said he can’t stop me. I have no idea what kind of job I will look for but il do anything. He took it personally that I need to get away from him, the kids and the house. He’s asked for us to spend quality time together, he said he just wants time with his wife to watch a film or go for a drink. I explained that’s why I need a break so I can do those things. Also I want my baby to be older before I trust a babysitter, but it’s a definite possibility in the future.

5. He’s agreed we need to sort out their behaviour now. We bought reward charts from amazon for brushing their teeth, tidying up, no fighting etc. We will introduce time out as well, and stick to it.

6. He said finances are tight but will send me to a travelodge for a weekend around November time. If we book it now it’s cheaper, and something to look forward to. He thinks I’m mad getting excited to a travelodge stay alone with books and snacks.

7. He advised we ask for his mother for help, I have no issues with my mother in law she’s lovely and caring. It’s just she’s always ill, she has severe arthritis and she can’t do much. Last time I ended up looking after her, cleaned her whole house as she couldn’t even get up and I felt sorry for her. He said she can do sit down activities with my eldest, or feed the baby etc. I agreed for few hours, to see how it goes. I’m more concerned for my MIL then my DS.

Love to everyone

Make sure your contraception is as bulletproof as possible.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I think you are truly amazing.
However your husband needs to step up

Sorry OP, just saw your update
Fingers crossed for you.

That all sounds very positive OP. I'm glad your DH is stepping up. I had terrrible PND with DD1. But it was definitely driven by the isolation. (And not knowing what the fuck I was doing). I made some Mum friends at a baby group and it really helped. I hope you can find your tribe too. Xx

This sounds like a great plan to go forward with. And your husband sounds reasonable - maybe he’s chosen not to address the problems because he didn’t know how? Well done for instigating all of this - I hope you can see how capable you are!

Good luck.

I have been exactly in your shoes. I also had a granny to look after. It made me ill and the stress has caused fibromyalgia.
However I do think you sound like you could have PND also. I did and life did get better once I got diagnosed. I got support from my local surestart centre which helped.

Live does get better and I find being a mum joyful now. X

You write really eloquently about your situation and I really feel for you. Keep writing.