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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

389 replies

Cherrypea · 23/08/2019 17:20

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

OP posts:
LifeImplosionImminent · 23/08/2019 22:24

@IAmALazyArse Normally you can't get loan funding for an equivalent or lower level of study - so if you have studied a HNC, you get funding for HND, etc but if there are cases to apply for a repeat year, which is sometimes called a gift year, although it's still a loan...stupid name really...

tolerable · 23/08/2019 22:26

@chewingbubblegum. I'm fine thankyou, I realised i sounded outraged in my auto-response,and said so at the end of it.Mostly the arse bit was more relevant to posting "hate" daughter..on here..c/o fact it will never be assumed as" just an expression" on here ,particularly is apply it to your child. ...there was nothing ragey in the rest of my response. @Hmmmbop

Goingonagondola · 23/08/2019 22:26

I can totally understand your frustration. It felt like you'd reached the goal and then she changed the goalposts. I wouldn't push it but I would make it very very clear to her that if she doesn't go to uni you'll be expecting her to be in full time work and paying her way at home.

Cherrysoup · 23/08/2019 22:29

She was offered philosophy and English literature at Liverpool which is about 3 1/2 hours away.

Ooh, this is the course I got on when I got under my predictions for A levels. I then deferred a year and changed course entirely. I realised that a) it was a doss course and b) wouldn’t lead to anything. I was at Liverpool and had no problem deferring.

IAmALazyArse · 23/08/2019 22:31

@LifeImplosionImminent I get that. I know someone who had issues because student finance give 4 years loan -3 year+1 extra in case of change etc.
It sounded from the post I quoted that DS spent 5 years doing undergrad, that's why I was wondering.

SarahAndQuack · 23/08/2019 22:32

@cherrysoup, that's utter nonsense.

FlioFlopsAndIceCream · 23/08/2019 22:37

Yabu

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/08/2019 22:39

Something very similar happened with my DD.

Hag her place, got her grades - refused go. Wanted a year out. This seemed reasonable. But she never ent. has apart-time dead-end job and I can't see the end to it

CheesecakeAddict · 23/08/2019 22:40

I took an unplanned year out (although they allowed me to defer) and it was honestly the making of me! Support her in this

YouTheCat · 23/08/2019 22:45

Is a university closer to home an option? My dd is 24. She has Aspergers (also cannot handle noise). She did her A levels and then was absolutely adamant that she didn't want to go to uni. My line in the sand was she was either earning or she went back into education so she signed up at college and did NVQ 3 in IT which lead on to doing a degree at the college in cyber security. She lived at home throughout. Now she has a job in a related field.

I think if I'd made her go to uni after A levels it would have been a disaster. She wasn't ready. Things have worked out really well.

Give her some space and see if you can work out a solution.

LifeImplosionImminent · 23/08/2019 22:54

@IAmALazyArse 3rd year suspended due to illness maybe? That pauses the loan liability until the student returns

YourWinter · 23/08/2019 23:00

Give her a break OP. Take a deep breath, lots of them, and be really proud that she got through A levels and had an offer of a place. She doesn't have to go this year, next year, she doesn't HAVE to go at all. You've supported her through getting to where she is now - please, please support her through making the decisions she now needs to think about. She may want to work. She may want to study different subjects. It's her life, her future, you can't live it for her but she needs to know you're on her side whatever she plans next.

My eldest told me the day before her A level results, that she was seeing a new boyfriend, this was serious, and she was going to defer. She never did go to university. Now she's on a 6 figure salary and none of us can say she was wrong.

Please, don't let yourself believe you hate her - even if you hate her decision, hate the action not the person. She needs to know you're able and willing to listen when she needs you to.

Good luck to your daughter, it WILL be ok.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 23/08/2019 23:02

My cousin was exactly the same as this. Just had a massive wobble and accidentally on purpose forgot to fill all the uni forms in. Ended up deferring. Pretty much wasted a year, as only worked for a few weeks of it. If I'm honest, I didn't expect her to go to uni at all. I felt as though she had made her anxiety/depression worse by getting left behind by her peers who had all gone off to uni. But, to my surprise, a year later, she did go, and is having a ball! She just needed that extra time to get her head around it. Work experience is also really good prior to uni as it focuses the mind more on what they really want to do. I get that you are worried (hence the frustration/anger), but you cannot force her to go. Just take a deep breath, ask her what her concerns are, draw up a pros and cons of deferring list and then see how she feels afterwards.

Oct18mummy · 23/08/2019 23:08

Why can’t she just defer her place for a year.

My daughter did this and now she is going this year.

And I didn’t hate her for it!

Hmmmbop · 23/08/2019 23:22

Oct18mummy not all universities/ courses allow deferral. Or some will only allow it if you got top grades etc.

howyoulikemenow · 23/08/2019 23:28

Hate? She's got mental health issues. She can go to university at any time, she got in on lower grades so they must like her. I'm sure they'll also like a future happier her too.

Stop thinking about yourself.

howyoulikemenow · 23/08/2019 23:29

@Hmmmbop they allow you to reapply in the next cycle though.

CSIblonde · 23/08/2019 23:34

I think the stress has really got to you, as hate is not a productive or mature reaction. A year off is beyond common. I'd address the anxiety with counselling & make sure she gets work for the year if she's worried about money too. The break from exam angst might be good for both of you, to rebound with no looming pressure hanging over your heads .

CSIblonde · 23/08/2019 23:35
  • bond, not rebound.
Chalfontstgiles · 23/08/2019 23:43

My DD18 has anxiety / depression, she's on meds. She's leaving this year for uni with a handover to MH services. I know many will think this sounds crazy...,but it's to train as doctor at med school. The thing that raises DD's anxiety is being bored....she's a bloody nightmare when bored actually and is self destructive- drinks, self harms etc. I can't speak for others but I know I feel my DD stayed at home her depression would be a lot worse due to boredom and inertia. Everybody is different I guess.

goldfinchfan · 23/08/2019 23:48

YANBU
you have been giving too much.
you are also entitled to take care of yourself and your other children.

If she doesn't want to go then just calmly write out possible consequences like not getting into Uni next year and then let her be with that.
You cannot make her go but she has to take the results of her actions.

You have been too nice I think and she is now expecting the world to accommodate her and it doesn't work that way.

I had anxiety and other issues but I still had to get on with life cos that is how it is.
You cannot be expected to cottonwool her world as she gets older.

Drop the hate and put your foot down too.
Let her know she can choose but there are to be no come backs on you if it doesn't work out how she wants.

Hmmmbop · 23/08/2019 23:49

howyoulikemenow the pp asked specifically about deferral. Also the OP has already said that she didn't get the grades required but they've accepted her this year. May not next year if she were to reapply.

goldfinchfan · 23/08/2019 23:55

it's not the end of the world to defer a Uni course.
many people do much better to take a year out and have some time to think things through.
She can work and maybe never need to go.
But she doesn't sound ready cos if she was she would want to to go.

Moominfan · 23/08/2019 23:58

Op I think your getting some flack her. Living and supporting people with mental health issues is a fucking drag. Its soo self centred but they can't help it. Your feelings aren't the ones that matter. Its shit but that's what it is. Go for an angry power walk. Write it all don't send it then plaster on a fake smile and get on with it

Cherrysoup · 23/08/2019 23:59

@SarahAndQuack

Which bit?