AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

She sounds like my step daughter. Have you researched the possibility that she might have autism?
A few things you said made me think she may have PDA (a form of autism)

I had similar issues and found A-levels and then uni really tough. I had a break down at the end of my third year (4 year degree). Honestly? I would give her a big hug, say you’ll support her to do what she feels is best but say you’d like her to earn and contribute this year. I think that uni is too much pressure and too far away. She might be better off with somewhere slightly lower brow but a bit closer to home. I ended up 2 hours away by car and can remember a few times when things were too much and I just got the train or later when I had a car drove home. It was nice to know my family were never too far away. She’s got good grades. She’ll find a good course if that’s what she wants.

She sounds SO much like my 18 year old daughter (noise adverse, social anxiety, etc) who was recently diagnosed with autism, and misophonia.
She's really, really nervous about starting uni, even though she'll be living at home (like you, I'm also doing up her room to make it nice and study friendly ).
So there could be more to it too.
And I for one know that you won't really hate your daughter. It can just be frustrating at times

absopugginglutely funny you say that because her story reminds me of me and I was diagnosed with ASD as an adult. My anxiety is much better since I have been diagnosed and better understand myself and ask for the help and support I need.

I have friends who are high achievers. They got top marks for their Leaving Certificate (Ireland) and went on to do different degrees in sciences, getting excellent results in their degrees. But, never worked in those sectors. One got a job in a pharmacy, another started work in the civil service and another friend became a SATM. Nome could handle the stress and pressure put on them.

Also, my mother worked as a practice nurse and she said their was an alarming number of people working in very pressurized jobs, unable to cope and taking medication to deal with it all. They were all very driven people who put themselves under huge pressure to get these jobs and were struggling.

DD worked incredibly hard for her As, and was absolutely exhausted by the time they were over. She's taken a year off to rest, during which she was (at last) diagnosed with ME. The gap year she's had has been mostly resting, tryng to get herself back into a fit enough state to cope with Uni.

We underestimate how much more stressful it is these days than it was back in the day. We weren't worrying about the planet becoming inhospitable to humans in our own lifetimes, for instance. We weren't entering into an expensive 3 or 4 (or more) year commitment without the prospect of a decent job at the end of it let alone a career and owning a house and providing comfortably for a family. These children are living on hope and it's hard.

Give her a year with no pressure.

You're not being unreasonable, and it's laughable reading the responses that explain your daughter's frailties to you, as if you've never noticed them before.

Dropping the bombshell of not wanting to go (yet, if ever), with seemingly little thought for how much of her family's energy she has dragged along for the ride, seems more about selfishness and immaturity than anxiety.

No doubt you WILL eventually respond with calm loving level-headedness but right now you have every right to want to kick her hard in the arse.

I'd guess most of the people on here who are complaining about the 'hate' really don't understand how draining parenting young adults can be. I get how you were thinking that maybe you could actually get a breather here. It's really hard work and sometimes you need to accept that you also need some support in order to support them.

It does sound like she's not ready yet. And as the parent of DD1 who did go, with hindsight I wish she'd taken a year out to grow up a bit. I'd make it clear that, as an adult, she needs to get a job and earn a bit, experience the real world, but that you will support her while she's doing that. And then next year she can apply with grades in hand and the pressure it off.

Have a very unmumsnetty hug, parenting young adults is the most difficult thing I had to do (and dd2 didn't sleep for 3 years), but at the end of it, if you can just keep sanity, you get to the position where I am now, where both dds call you to ask whether we can do a 'family day' at a particular function as they remember it so fondly from their childhood. But I very clearly remember that place you are in now. It does get better xx

So much wrong with saying you hate your daughter, even if she frustrates you. YABU.

Have you asked your daughter what she really wants? Don't be surprised if she doesn't know but also don't underestimate the pressure schools put on a degree as a next step. After all, they want to be able to say that X percentage of their students go on to university. I can still remember to this day my head of 6th Form telling me I'd never get a job without a degree and asking how I'd feel when I saw all my friends after they'd done their degrees, knowing that they'd had a great experience that I'd missed out on and that they now had the qualifications necessary for a good job? He was a lovely chap but I'm still cross with him after 23 years!

I felt I had no option and, to be honest, there was some comfort in knowing what I'd be doing for the next three years. So I started a degree. BIG mistake. I absolutely hated it and dropped out after one term. Anxiety that had previously been under control spiralled completely out of control again and I thank my lucky stars I was a 'home' student because, even looking back after all this time, I think moving away from home and into halls would have been very harmful for me.

She's been on an exam treadmill for what probably feels like living memory. Let her breathe - if she wants a year out then let her have one as long as she's got a plan (work, travel, combination thereof). Let her be honest with herself about what she really wants. And if she still wants to go to university then she can apply knowing what grades she's got to work with rather than throwing the uncertainty of predicted grades vs conditional offers into the mix.

You can be frustrated and upset all you like but I bet it's nothing compared to what's in her head right now. Give the poor girl a break.

But if she got the good grades surely thats it and they're never going to vanish? I think waiting year is just what some people need. 18 year olds are still very much children.

The trouble is that teenagers nowadays are pushed so hard to go to university, even though it is very clear (to them, teenagers are not stupid and they have plenty of access to political news) that it's no guarantee of a good job, and that many people with degrees end up starting adult life with enormous debts, working in supermarkets or call centres.

YABU to hate her, although I understand your frustration

@TheFastandCurious calling people cunts on the internet. Ironic.

The OP does sound awful. She is saying she hates her daughter on public forums, she is exaggerating the situation by saying the past 3 years of her life have revolved around her daughter landing to go to uni, and it has “mentally nearly killed me”

This mother is self absorbed and judgmental, adding stress to her daughter’s life. No wonder she’s got bloody anxiety. She sounds awful. And I’m not a cunt, but thanks for your ignorant opinion 👍🏼

Just saying how well she did to bring her mock results up to her actual results: really well done her and well done you fit supporting her to do that.

The thing is, you have spent the last 3 years, the two of you, getting those results. They are a good thing for opening lots of doors, as a steppingstone to lots of things. It hasn’t been a wasted effort.

A year off could be a great thing.

I'm sorry, it's a long thread so I've not read everything.

I can see how frustrating it would be for you, and agree with others it sounds as if you were giving more than you could manage.

However, as someone who teaches English Lit at university level, I absolutely agree with her decision. IME students who are not in a good place with mental health often find university is much more of a strain, and they don't cope well. There's only loan funding for four years of university. She shouldn't waste it. She absolutely should do something sensible meantime, but I think if she's not ready she's right to take the time to get ready.

FWIW, I would think (not sure) that she would get another offer. If she re-applied, she'd have her grades in hand, and numbers of English Lit students are dropping, so they are in demand to some extent.

I would worry about her being 3.5 hrs away just now.

She's done really well to get the grades and you've done really well helping and supporting her to get them. Uni will always be an option for her now so there's no rush. My son started first year although he was living at home but became really anxious and decided he didn't want to do the course any more. This was two weeks in and it was obvious that it was his anxiety rather than the course. I felt the same as you at first but then realised it was the best thing to happen as he just wasn't ready. He started again a year later (same course) and has just finished first year. Still worry about his mental health and no guarantees that he'll finish the course but I think taking that year out was the right thing to do.

Completely understand why you have reacted the way you have after all you've invested, financially and emotionally, to help your dd achieve what she wanted to do but these feelings will settle soon. Your dd might feel like she's letting you down so it will be so nice for her when you tell her that you will support her, whatever she decides.

It’s her life. Hers. Not yours.

DS2 has done the complete opposite in that he was absolutely decided he wasn’t going to uni at all. Was definitely going to work or look for an apprenticeship. Then, just before the exams, he did a complete u turn & submitted a late UCAS application. He is going to a uni 4 hours away from home in 3 weeks time. Finances aren’t sorted amongst other things and all of my free time in the past week has been spent on uni prep or providing Student Finance with yet more information. It’s crazy, but it’s his life. I have to support him as well as I can.

Also, think of your DD. If she suffers such anxiety at home with you in familiar comfortable surroundings, imagine how terrifying moving into a completely unknown environment could be. She needs support to do whatever she does feel able to do - not resentment because she’s not doing what you want her to do.

I've been there got the t-shirt OP - frustration at knowing your child can achieve so much more. I'm not going to pile in with the comments re hate and embarrassment, I think you know YWBU with regard to that.

My son was lazy - put the minimal effort into revising etc. Got B's and C's in his subjects. He did AS at 6th form not because he wanted to go but because his best mate was going

Then went on the Uni and putting minimal effort in got his degree (I think he went 3 days a week and that was classed full time .

He's now 26 and has a career with very good prospects and in a short time has worked his way up the ladder and earns more than me!

What it boils down to is you have to let them make their own mistakes/live their own lives. Yes you can advise but ultimately this isn't your path and you absolutely shouldn't demand they start studying asap etc. I appreciate that your DD has the extra disadvantage of suffering with anxiety which makes it more complex, but she absolutely needs to feel supported by you and encouraged to make the right decisions for her.

@Dieu that is interesting, she has had private therapy for misophonia. Can I ask how she was assessed?

@Dieu sorry I'm not sure that was clear... My daughter has had private therapy for misophonia. How did you get the assessment for your daughter?

You could "persuade" your daughter to go sure, but her anxiety hasn't gone away and will definitely rear its head at university. Especially as she had £2k's worth of extra tuition and still did not meet the grade requirement. She could then leave a quarter or half way or even make it to Easter then leave. The problem is that the minute her bum hits that lecture seat 25% of her £9,000+ tuition fee is taken by the institution, then after the xmas term (or however the terms/semesters are arranged) another 25% then the final 50% after Easter or the third term. So if she leaves in April she could be landed with 100% of the loan liability for tuition and on top of that, depending on when she leaves, she may end up with a maintenance loan clawback which she will have to pay back immediately (not after her course ends or when she starts earning £25,725 per annum).

So it could be a very costly push for her...

Of course. So daughter has a very extreme sensitivity complete intolerance to 'human made' sounds. By human made, I mean snoring, eating and breathing. By contrast, she has a dripping tap in her en-suite, and that doesn't bother her at all 
I figured something wasn't right, and it became increasingly difficult for us all. So a few years back, I took her to the GP about it. From there, we were referred to the audiology dept at the hospital, where she was diagnosed with misophonia. The audiologist also made a referral to CAMHS, to help her find strategies to manage the misophonia.
Her CAMHS consultant had barely heard of misophonia, but discussions with my daughter led it to be the tip of the iceberg, and autism was diagnosed from there.
She is high functioning, and on the lower end of the spectrum.
I hope this helps, and do let me know if you have any more questions. Oh, and we're in Scotland, if that's relevant to the diagnosis process.
@Cherrypea

Taking an extra year may be a good thing. So many go at 18 and regret it. I know two young people who went and dropped out, and one who transferred to a uni closer to home (meaning her degree will now take 4 years instead of 3). The ones who take their time seem to be more successful in the long run.
Although it sounds like the whole thing has been really stressful for you as well, so you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Pp’s may be right, and it’s time for you to step back a bit.

Oops, messed up the strikeout for complete intolerance