AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

@SarahAndQuack and btw, my course was almost 30 years ago and most certainly was an absolute doss course. Things may well have changed, but at the time, it was a degree for the sake of it.

Did you get a chance to go to university yourself? I have seen parents who did not get to university themselves push their kids to go university. Some people cope well in university and some people don't.
From what you said about your daughter I don't think she would cope in university at the moment. I would say too her that if she wants to stay at home and apply for university/further education next year that she needs to get a job. A job would help her mature and save some money for college. Also she can look into course s and see what the long term job prospects are before applying next year.
I would also encourage her to get help for her anxiety.
In a years time she still has her results, she is older and a bit more mature and can apply for the right course to suit her. If she goes to university then she is going because she wants and she will cope and work better then.
I know a girl who took a year out after getting a great leaving cert. She did a computer course, learned to drive and worked as well. She got into the course she wanted and got a 1st in her degree. She went to the UK for her master's and did a PhD as well. She now has a great job. She said the year off helped her mature and she was glad she did this.

Disappointed maybe, not hate. Get a grip, she struggling

I understand your frustration and your 'hate'.

I'm ashamed to say (or am I) that it didn't occur to me that hate was to strong a word to use.

I think you've done all you can OP and now just step back and let her do what she wants with her life.

Surrender yourself to the fact that she's now an adult and can do what she likes.

That said I would tell her if she doesn't go to Uni by next September she'll have to find a job and move out. (obvs doesn't mean you are going to do this but can be a good kick up the bum) anxiety or not.

Just wondering if it's worth contacting the uni. Even if they don't normally allow students to defer they may consider it on mental health grounds. Even if she didn't end up going it would give her the option.

Oh I did this, got into a great uni and then had this weird wobble about it all. I’m really not a nervous or anxious person but about a week before I was set to go I told my parents I was going to reapply next year and chose a different uni (the one I picked was great and there was no reason to reject it).

My dad is a very to the point kind of bloke and told me I either went or he’d throw me out, he’s not mean and obviously wouldn’t have turfed me out, but he basically gave me a push and said I was going. I agreed to go and said to my parents if I didn’t like it would they get me after a couple of days, they agreed. So after about 4 days my mum rang me to ask if I wanted to come home, I laughed and said why the heck would I want to do that? They genuinely thought given how I was that I’d want to come home. I think I went home once in term time in 4 years.

Sometimes you need a little “nudge”, I’m glad my dad gave me the nudge I needed, I might not have liked it at the time but it worked out brilliantly for me. I had the time of my life at uni, met lifelong friends and my husband! Oh and got a great degree too.

Sorry OP, you’re being unreasonable. She’s young and doing a degree is a big decision, why rush it if she isn’t sure or isn’t ready to commit. She isn’t saying she doesn’t want to go, she’s saying she not right now and that’s fine. Support her in whatever she wants to do in her gap year - volunteering and a job will do her fine and give her something to put on her CV. It takes guts to tell your parents something you might be disappointed in. My Dad forked out £120 for hairdressing supplies when I did a hairdressing college course. I lasted about 5 weeks when I decided it wasn’t for me. I felt so bad letting him down but he was supportive. I went on to have a gap year and then eventually did a-levels, an undergraduate and a masters degree. You just can’t rush these things and 12 months delay is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Don’t think she means she hates her daughter in that sense.
It’s more the action that the daughter wants to take.
OP hope it all works out .
It’s so hard to be a mother at times.

@iamalazyarse .we arent.live Scotland and he went to uni here. The horrible tryth(for me)is I cant deal with numbers...which means ..hes had to,tho-as is fairly sensible -he utilised student support service from day 1.he had part time job throught entire time...i seem to think saas funds course fees for duration/til complete. whilst i was aware of him fretting re course change,being ill,etc.finances werent really something hed as much as expect me to understand..that said if it had presented as a problem,or one he stuck for a solution to im sure hed have mentioned it.
when initially applied a money advisor suggested look on "money saving expert"for advice/links.also student guide to funding type directory...so,he did.the only time he ever speaks to me re £ is when is stuck for some i.e unexpected requirement and asks if i can borrow him it.even then.he always has it to return when he says he will.. then acts surprised when i wont take it

@tolerable ah. That's cool. Thanks for answer

It sounds as though you've both been through a really stressful 3 years - which is a long time! As PP have pointed out, your dd may be worried about the academic demands of the course. If she had friendship issues (which sound as though they may have been pretty horrendous if she moved mid sixth form to college - were they the reason for the move?) she may well also be worrying about the social side of university, and whether she'll make friends (even students who got on fine at school socially can be very apprehensive about this!).

Dd may also be worried about the problems that can come up with accommodation if you don't click with the flat mates or have incompatible lifestyles - and from mn it seems these can be a real issue sometimes.

I wonder whether your dd could talk to someone at school - the Ho6, or university advisor, to get an 'uninvolved' opinion? It can be easier for an outsider who doesn't have as much invested. One issue is that as you've said she may not get into the same university again if she didn't make the offer grades - on the other hand how much does that matter to her, and where will she be likely to get in?

SleepIsForTheWeeak your story made me . I agree sometimes teens need a nudge.

She's absolutely right not to go to university if she's not ready. I've seen far too many people start university straight from school because it's just "what you do", without a clue what they want to get out of it or how hard it's going to be looking after yourself and managing your own learning. Far better for her to wait until she's actually ready to go, and not waste the money now.

Yes.

DS rejected his uni offer and spent the year working and spending the money on stupid clothes, cigarettes and alcohol. He’s now going to uni but he’s not more mature and I’m not sure he’ll finish the course. The pressure in the family has been significantly less this past year.

I would contact the university to see what their support system looks like. If it truly is a case of overwhelming anxiety but she had wanted to go previously, then perhaps you can approach it as a team to plan and make it possible.

I can see for a start that halls of residence have live in pastoral support [link [https://www.liverpool.ac.uk/accommodation/support/hall-wardens/]]

Student services or the disability team (as this now includes mental health) should also be able to help in creating an inclusion plan so she can access support at the uni easily. Both inside and outside of academic life.

As well as that don’t forget the exciting stuff. You could identify clubs, events etc to help her get integrated.

Of course I agree that if she truly isn’t ready you have to let her have the time and space. But if this is something she really wants

Posted too soon!

There are ways to make it happen

I have invested so much of myself

Pull your head out of your arse, OP, that's parenting!

Your daughter has given herself the foundation of great A level results. She may never want to go to uni but always has the knowledge that she could if she wanted to. Our oldest son got four As in his A levels but has spent the last three years working as an activities instructor for an outward bound centre in Normandy. He earns about £750 a month, is not furthering any sort of career options, spends all his money on equipment for sports (wakeboarding is his current obsession) and is permanently covered in the bruises of his exploits. He's also having the time of his life and we wouldn't want it any other way.

Let her make her choices and do so with the 'comfort blanket' of qualifications that will open doors for her, if and when she chooses she wants to walk through them.

I think when you're very caught up in it, it can be hard to take an objective view. Going back to basics, the real question is what is in dd's best interests, and it might be that an outside voice can help her decide this? If school aren't available, could maybe the former anxiety counsellor fit in a one-off session at short notice?

OP what about pps' suggestion that she goes back to the university and explains that she has anxiety? They might agree to defer if there's a 'medical' reason for deferring - it's worth exploring that?

OP, I can well imagine the hopping through loops you have been doing over the past couple of years to get your daughter to this point.

I can well imagine your major irritation and annoyance. No difficulty at all.

I hope you have support IRL and that some of the advice on here is of use.

Exam years can be very trying on families particularly the year pre university.

You have my complete sympathy.

Wishing your daughter the best and yourself strength.

Op, I understand how you are feeling. We did everything we could to help DD1 through 6th form and getting the results she needed etc. She dropped out of uni in her first year. I remember feeling angry and wanting her to get her act together - but I didn’t show it. I did encourage her to give it longer - and to be fair to her, she originally talked of dropping out after a month but lasted 5 months. It was very upsetting for everyone. We totally supported her though as we could see it was destroying her mental health. She came home, got a part-time job, self studied further a subject she had done at A level and reapplied for a new course at a different university. With her grades, she hadn’t got what the courses were asking for (1 or 2 grades below) but the 3 universities she applied for all offered unconditional. She has had a fabulous 3 years and just graduated.
So let your DD take this year out and do some work, and reapply for next year. It needs to be her choice, but make it clear if she stays at home, she has to get a job.

If I was your daughter and read this I would want to slap you very, very hard.

She’s going through a terrible time and all you can do is make it about you. You have made this your personal project at the expense of what your own child actually wants and needs. Have YOU taken the A Levels? Are YOU the one who will have to leave home in a vulnerable state and put herself under another three years of academic pressure?

Your daughter needs support and encouragement. If she comes to you for help and you can ‘barely bring yourself to talk to her’, she’s going to feel 100 times worse. Just be there for her. Be a mother.

Hi OP - we are in a similar position... DD has decided to not go to uni this year, but to get a job and apply again next year. She has had mental health issues for a couple of years, has counselling, has medication, has as much support as we can physically give.

It gets to the point where you are on tenterhooks - you are effectively waiting for them to leave so you no longer have to walk on eggshells - there is a light at the end of this long tunnel - she put it there, she wanted it - and all your mental resources go into supporting that transition - only for it to be delayed or not happen.

DD is not the only one with mental health issues, it feels so unfair, but we can't make her choices for her, we can only support her on the path she wants to follow.

Hate is a strong word... I feel exhausted

You don`t hate her your just pissed off as would any parent be who has put so much into her.
Point out she may NOT get a second chance at this but ill leave it with you.
Your life not mine.

Can I drop in to ask those responders who have commented on the op use of the word hate & called her awful etc.
Can I ask, what age & sex are your kids. I suspect and am willing to be wrong that most of you will
Be the mothers of young kids rather than young adults and mostly
Mothers or boys rather than girls. There is a known dynamic difficulty with teenage girls & separation issues that causes a short period of mum/daughter anger and frustration issues.

So if your kids are young or boys there is a possibility you don't have a sodding clue what you're talking about.

Will anyone honestly reply.
I'll go first.
I'm mum to 2 teenage girls.