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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

389 replies

Cherrypea · 23/08/2019 17:20

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

OP posts:
WhyBirdStop · 23/08/2019 19:57

YABU. It isn't your life, she might be a little less anxious if you weren't so 'invested', How dare you b hate your daughter for making a decision about her own life!
I took a late gap year, rejected my offer from a top 5 RG, didn't defer. Got 5 unconditional offers the following year went to the same RG but on a course more difficult to get into.

BlueLadybird · 23/08/2019 20:00

I haven’t RTFT so this may have already been suggested but she could ask again to defer on medical grounds. If she had a letter from her doctor saying that a gap year could benefit her mental health this would add more support to her case.

TitianaTitsling · 23/08/2019 20:06

joy If I were your daughter is tell you to fuck off out of my way OP. Lovely! And after youd done that what would be your future plans?

Original poster
Cherrypea · 23/08/2019 20:08

I've had a good cry reading through the replies, thank you for all the honest and thoughtfull advice. If she wasn't out I'd be giving her a hug right now xx

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/08/2019 20:09

Listen to her, she's telling you she isn't ready. She's not giving up, just wanting more time. We had a similar situation to deal with halfway through a university course. Taking a year out was the best thing that could have happened.

Do get her to speak to the university. Find out what circumstances they would accept for deferring. Does she need any kind of medical exemption and would her GP provide it?

YANBU to feel frustrated. I would rethink "hate" though.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/08/2019 20:10

Bugger, I've cross posted with everybody. Chin up OP.

JLouise95 · 23/08/2019 20:12

Perhaps, but it isn't easier if you don't want to be there. You can lead a horse to water...

I find this just insane, her future doesn't depend on this pinpoint moment. She can take one two three years if she wants.

I can't even fathom my mum posting she 'hates' me on the Internet because I'm not ready for uni. God forbid she starts dating a boy you don't like and enjoys working in a bar. Too invested, she's an adult, back off before you destroy your relationship.

yulet · 23/08/2019 20:14

She's anxious, noise-avoidant, has friendship issues, and clearly can study hard when she wants to, is interested in philosophy ... is there any chance at all she might be on the spectrum, and just utterly terrified of change? (I say that as a woman diagnosed late in life)

JLouise95 · 23/08/2019 20:16

Just read your reply OP. And honest for your daughters sake I'm really glad you feel like that after reading and thinking. I've been a mess the past few years and without my mum's love, support and encouragement to do what I feel is best, I couldn't have coped. She really needs you especially if she's struggling, and I bet a cuddle from you and some reassurance that you support whatever she wants to do would help her dramatically. And she'll be more receptive down the line when she's ready. Good luck op but don't forget that at the end of the day what's important is your health, daughter and your relationship, everything else is trivial Flowers and Gin because I bet you need it

TiredOldTable · 23/08/2019 20:18

1 of my friends committed suicide 1st term at uni, apparently she called her parents and they told her to tough it out.
Another attempt suicide the nest year and his parents shot up to collect him and never made him go back.

I would never push my child to go to uni as 30 years later it still haunt me. Both probably could be described as anxious teens

Mummadeeze · 23/08/2019 20:20

I applied to do English, got a good offer but got sent the first term’s book list and freaked out about how much reading I would have to do! So I changed my mind. Took a year out and worked in a petrol station for a year (!) didn’t save much money but went on to do Psychology at a good uni and got a 2:1. My parents were pretty supportive (although I suspect deep down they were tearing their hair out) and the year working at the petrol station actually did give me a lot of skills I could later use in a career job. I was often in sole charge and encountered lots of situations where I had to be responsible and think on my feet. All I am saying is that all is not lost and she needs to do what’s right for her. Best of luck with everything though. Hope you can all work things out together.

EllenAshSky1 · 23/08/2019 20:25

I personally would feel very upset and disappointed.

Ninkaninus · 23/08/2019 20:27

And remember whatever happens she’s still worked bloody hard and really achieved something despite her mental health suffering and everything else she’s contended with - she’s got a good set of A level results and nothing can take that away from her.

Original poster
Cherrypea · 23/08/2019 20:29

@yulet it has crossed my mind, but there's lots of aspects about her which make me think not as well.

OP posts:
quizqueen · 23/08/2019 20:30

If she's not going to go to university, she needs to find a job, pay board and do her fair share around the house. She is an adult now so needs to behave like one. Stop facilitating her. She may find that university is not for her at all. Her education will not have been wasted, whatever she ends up doing.

VeryQuaintIrene · 23/08/2019 20:32

She's not ready. Especially given all the accommodations she's had to have to get good but not stellar A level grades, there's a good chance that if she goes to university in September, she's going to drop out and waste time and money and probably feel a failure as well. It's fine if she has a year out, in fact mine was one of the best years of my life when I did lots of jobs and lots of travel and grew up a lot.

perfectstorm · 23/08/2019 20:32

Seconding @yulet on the it being worth thinking about potential spectrum stuff. Women and girls are almost always missed, because they present differently and mask better. Obviously it's more likely that she isn't, but as with any possible medical issue, it's better to get it eliminated than to miss it and faff around in the dark instead.

I say that as someone with an ASD sibling and child, who was late diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive subtype - also more common in girls than the classic hyper variety most look for. If you're able to obsess enough and focus enough to excel academically, people assume you're lazy and disorganised and could always work at hyperfocus level if you could just get it together. Life since diagnosis has made so much more sense, and consequently been easier!).

It's natural to be worried, exhausted and to stress, OP. Venting is good. Have a cuppa, and I send an un-Mumsnetty hug.

user1486131602 · 23/08/2019 20:34

In a similar situation for different reasons. My son.
Let your daughter have a moment to digest. Listen to her.
I did and my son just wanted time to make sure that it was the right thing to do. I showed him the other options, gap yr, job at McDonald’s til he worked out what he wanted, or temp work for some experience. Once he had all the info he needed and a few days left to ponder, he has decided he should go and try, give it his all until Christmas, then we will review.
I hope this suggestion can help you and your daughter, good luck

LadyRannaldini · 23/08/2019 20:37

You didn't expect sympathy and/or understanding did you?

Bubbletrouble43 · 23/08/2019 20:44

Yes YABU. It's her life. She can go next year, if she says she's not ready then listen to her.

TheFastandCurious · 23/08/2019 20:47

You sound awful

I always wonder about people who take time out of their day to post stuff like this. I see this more and more on here. Someone who is clearly struggling or upset asks for advice and someone posts nothing other than “you sound horrible / awful / nasty” etc etc

You have literally taken the time out of your day to offer nothing but that? You think the OP sounds awful? Well you sound like a cunt.

Before this post gets removed, OP I understand how angry and resentful you must feel right now but it will pass. You are not BU to feel the way you do but pushing her anymore will back fire.

As long as this year does not involve her being allowed to stay indoors all day, long lay ins and lazying around things will work out. Like PP said, a year of work might give her a better work ethic for university.

tolerable · 23/08/2019 20:52

you absolute arse!! hate her is crap. not able to talk to her..is also crap.investing everything about yourself,thanklessly and unrewardingly is a comorbid of parenting. .i hope you havent done the "after all ive sacraficed for you"dramableat at her. not just cos..its awful,its also overburdening her with guilt.
step back from that.it will NEVER help.
have a look on "the student room forum"(also suggest she does). My lad had already group chatted with the otherwise total strangers that formed the shared flat accomodation prior to them all arriving. she could chat\see..the way other new starts are thinking,and then narrow it down to ones on her course maybe. ?
Is she required to move out to go there?is uni 2nd 3rd choice offering place,would she be swayed to go to..alternative.
does her uni have a mentor option?..// also...my lad did 1st yr,loved it,but decided wrong course for him,changed for 2nd yr(so was actually first yr again..hated his course,then was really ill,)3rd yr..was yet again actually first yr.....and( finally)graduated with honours this year. so..bear in mind.if she tried it,and hated it..shes not trapped...i didnt mean to sound so horrid at start of this.i understand your feelings,just dont think realistic she will right now.x

Chewingbubblegum · 23/08/2019 21:03

Goodness Tolerable. Are you okay. You sound extremely angry and wound up.

OP, you are not being unreasonable. I totally get why you use the word "hate". It's hyperbole and we all do it to express frustration at things or others.

I agree with those who say give her some space, step back and let her make her choices, and she must accept the consequences. If she does not go to uni, then she must work and contribute.

I'm aghast at posters who do not accept their responsibilities and blame their parents for allowing them to make a choice to go to uni. Can you imagine if the parents had stopped them or told them not to go? They would have still blame their parents for preventing them from going. Seems everyone but themselves are to be blamed for the choices they make. Incredible.

MajesticWhine · 23/08/2019 21:09

Total sympathies with you OP. My eldest DD has crippling anxiety and helping her get through her A levels and on to Uni was a huge thing, and I know how frustrating this can be. Everything you have posted suggests you are a very caring parent. I am sure you and your DD will work it out for the best.

IAmALazyArse · 23/08/2019 21:11

1st yr,loved it,but decided wrong course for him,changed for 2nd yr(so was actually first yr again..hated his course,then was really ill,)3rd yr..was yet again actually first yr.....and( finally)graduated with honours this year.

How fid you deal with funding? If you are in England. The loans go only for 4 years of undergrad. I wondered what happens if someone needs more

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