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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just been shouted out by funeral party...

717 replies

Pinklady1982 · 23/08/2019 13:05

Aibu to be feeling really upset by this? I was just driving along and a funeral car pulled out slowly from a turning. They had about 10 cars behind it which were possibly all part of the party, so I slowed down and let a load of cars through. Now this was a residential road and I could see some other cars had joined the back of the queue. I started easing forward a bit as if I kept waiting there letting all the cars out I would be there ages and needed to get home, also I wasn't to know if they were all part of the funeral. I had right of way as they were in a side turning, but sat there patiently for a while. Well this lady then rolls down her window and starts shouting at me! Saying they are part of the funeral party and could I not see that. I explained that I had let about 10 cars go and wasn't to know who was part of the party and who wasn't. She just shouted at me to get out of the way very loudly and rudely and pulled out. I just put my window up and pulled over as I felt a bit shaken. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable anyway at the moment and I hate confrontation. I know that at these times emotions will be heightened, but was I really in the wrong here? They were going to then be pulling out onto a main road where I'm sure they would be seperated by other cars, so you can't all expect to stay together surely?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 07/09/2019 01:44

I've come to the conclusion that this is all just another example of mundanes being fucking weird about cars. Lots of people go to funerals by public transport, you know. (I expect someone's now going to have a whiny tantrum about how 'disrespectful' that is...)

mathanxiety · 07/09/2019 03:13

'No matter how many people say it in how many different ways' ... they are all wrong.

It's aggressive driving when you start from a standstill and try to nose into a moving procession or column or stream of traffic when there is no opening (when you are close enough to the driver you cut off to see the colour of her shirt and speak to her without bellowing). Aggressive driving is not safe driving no matter who has the right of way. If you encounter someone driving aggressively, the safe response is to let them on their merry way, not try to teach them the rules of the road, or a lesson on right of way, using your car as a teaching prop.

Whatafackinliberty · 07/09/2019 06:59

I think this thread is most hilariously bonkers I've seen in a long time.

My highlight was mystic meg with the psychic ability to tell whether or not other motorists are making their way to a funeral.

Mothership4two · 07/09/2019 07:08

Of course, everyone else is wrong Hmm

There was only 1 person aggressively driving and it wasnt the OP. But everything that needs to be said has been (over and over again).

DappledThings · 07/09/2019 08:32

No matter how many people say it in how many different ways' ... they are all wrong

Ha ha. And no matter how many times you say it you are still wrong!

iklboo · 07/09/2019 10:31

Why can't mathanxiety grasp that we drive differently over here and that the OP was NOT nosing into traffic - those joining from the side road were and did not have right of way?

I officially give up now.

DappledThings · 07/09/2019 10:56

@iklboo goodness knows. I want to give up but I can't stop looking!

mathanxiety · 08/09/2019 05:30

There was only 1 person aggressively driving and it wasnt the OP.

Correct. She tried to but eventually stayed put.

Two people driving aggressively doesn't work out well. That is why she shouldn't have tried it.

Why can't mathanxiety grasp that we drive differently over here and that the OP was NOT nosing into traffic - those joining from the side road were and did not have right of way?
What a silly comment. We drive exactly the same but on the other side of the road, Iklboo. Aggressive driving is aggressive driving no matter what side of the road you drive on. Two aggressive drivers trying to occupy the same spot on any given stretch of road is a recipe for disaster. You let them off on their merry way if you are a smart, safe, defensive driver no matter what side of the pond you are doing your driving.

The drivers joining from the side road did not have right of way. The OP still could not drive in amongst them.

Here's a refresher course for those of you don't understand how defensive driving works.
mathanxiety · 08/09/2019 06:24

In case some of you still can't understand that the basic concept behind defensive driving is interpreting the rules of the road and making accommodations and adjustments for unwise decisions of others, with safety in mind, here is a jaunty epitaph (of course) to help you focus:

This is the grave of Mike O'Day,
Who died maintaining his right of way.
His right was clear, his will was strong.
But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong.

www.just-one-liners.com/this-is-the-grave-of-mike-oday-who-died-maintaining-his-right-of-way-his-right-was-clear-his-will-was-strong-but-hes-just-as-dead-as-if-hed-been-wrong/

DappledThings · 08/09/2019 06:44

Ok math you can keep on believing that. OP was not being aggressive and she did nothing wrong. You're not going to change my mind on that no matter how much you go on about defensive driving.

mathanxiety · 08/09/2019 08:43

Believing what?
That defensive driving is the best way to drive in all circumstances, and that it entails not claiming your right of way when other cars are occupying the road even if they don't have the right of way?

That's not a matter of 'belief'. It's called "How To Drive".

The OP attempted to cut into a procession of cars - she could see the cars in front of her and could also see cars further back joining the procession. She told herself they were all taking the piss from X car, and she tried to cut off one of the cars and horn in, and got shouted at. This was aggressive driving on the part of the OP.

DappledThings · 08/09/2019 09:54

She did not cut into a procession. She stopped letting a stream of people who were pushing in continue to push in. That is all.

iklboo · 08/09/2019 10:03

Okay. I officially give up now. We don't drive the same way. We've already established that funeral processions go through red lights where you are where we don't. Some states allow turning right on red - there are no circumstances where it's ok to go through a red light here. You have different speed limits. We have an entirely different Highway Code.

And the OP still did nothing wrong, didn't push into traffic and wasn't driving aggressively.

mathanxiety · 08/09/2019 21:32

She did not cut into a procession. She stopped letting a stream of people who were pushing in continue to push in. That is all

And she did this by sticking the nose of her car into a space that didn't exist between two moving cars. Which is 'cutting in'. Or 'cutting off'. Choose your preference. It's still aggressive driving.

Iklboo, defensive driving is obviously one of the elements of driving lessons that you missed. But it's the fundamental principle of all driving in both the UK and the US, regardless of quirks in the rules of the road.

iklboo · 09/09/2019 07:36

I don't drive due to a medical condition but my husband is a driving instructor so, ya know

mathanxiety · 09/09/2019 08:19

The fact that you don't drive explains a lot about your inability to understand what I am saying here.

DappledThings · 09/09/2019 08:40

The fact that you don't drive explains a lot about your inability to understand what I am saying here.

I drive. I drive on a combination of country lanes, urban and suburban roads and motorway nearly every day. OP still did nothing wrong.

Every car turning out of the side road into OP's path should have been looking and checking to see the way was clear. If they didn't and just pushed out they were being aggressive. If OP waved a few through then stopped doing that and just start moving forward exactly as she should do given that a) it was her right of way and b) she had a responsibility to the traffic behind her to keep it flowing on the main road she was not being aggressive at all.

mathanxiety · 10/09/2019 05:13

If they didn't and just pushed out they were being aggressive. If OP waved a few through then stopped doing that and just start moving forward exactly as she should do given that a) it was her right of way and b) she had a responsibility to the traffic behind her to keep it flowing on the main road she was not being aggressive at all.

You're wrong.

It makes no difference at all that the other cars were driving aggressively, or that they didn't actually have the right of way. The only pertinent fact was that they were the cars occupying the road. When other cars are occupying the road you cannot nose in.

There is no moral right involved with the concept of right of way or with any other driving regulation, anywhere. The entire exercise is a matter of using common sense along with the basic principle of driving defensively. Having the right of way doesn't eliminate the necessity for smart, safe driving. So yes, she had right of way, but no, she shouldn't have tried to exercise that right.

If one party to a traffic situation isn't driving safely or smartly, then the other one needs to. The smart, safe driver - aka the defensive driver - sees aggressive driving and doesn't try to nose in.

Smart, safe driving in this case involved staying put, letting the other cars off in front of her regardless of the fact that she had right of way and regardless of how many cars there were, letting the traffic behind the OP see for themselves that there was a procession, and letting those other drivers make their own decisions.

You do not have to take on responsibility for enforcing the rules of the road when you are driving. You do not have responsibility to the traffic behind you. You just mind your own business, driving defensively, and you let other drivers mind theirs.

This element of responsibility to the traffic behind you is actually ludicrous. Does it mean you can't jam on your brakes to avoid hitting a toddler who runs out in front of you because you believe you would be responsible for the actions of the driver behind you if you were to stop suddenly?

The reason why the fault in a crash lies with the driver who crashes into the other vehicle is so that nobody would be tempted to hit the child and keep on going in that scenario. Every individual driver is expected to make their own decisions based on traffic conditions and is obliged to stay alert enough to ensure their decisions are the safe, defensive decisions that driving demands.

Mothership4two · 10/09/2019 05:45

I think this is getting ridiculous now.

OP had right of way when shouty lady "shouted at me to get out of the way... and pulled out". OP didnt push/nose in, sl barged in.

DappledThings · 10/09/2019 07:14

It got ridiculous a good while ago. I think most people can see that and that Math is being silly.

SpudleyLass · 10/09/2019 12:09

At 10 cars through, I would have assumed the entire funeral procession was through, YANBU.

I'm sorry you had to deal with such a rude woman.

mathanxiety · 11/09/2019 03:14

She could see that there was a procession, and could even see that drivers further back were getting into their cars and joining it.

She decided based on her own cultural assumptions and her fretfulness about being delayed that it was ok to start from a standstill to join a moving column of traffic in which the driver she cut off was close enough to hold a conversation with, with the OP speaking in a normal voice. She was close enough to this driver before starting up from a standstill to see that her blouse was brightly coloured. There wasn't space for her to cut in.

All adds up to aggressive driving by the OP. It's not ok to contribute to an irregular driving situation. Safe/defensive driving entails holding back and letting the more determined aggressive driver go ahead.

And yes, I know she had the right of way , and I am still saying aggressive driving by the OP.

Tell me honestly, did any of you come across the terms aggressive driving and defensive driving before this thread? And if so what is your understanding of them?

Durgasarrow · 11/09/2019 03:18

Well said, mathanxiety.

Mothership4two · 16/09/2019 01:44

Really?

Motherinlawsdung · 16/09/2019 03:30

mathanxiety shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how traffic works in the UK. And despite his or her emphasis on defensive driving as apparently taught in the US, it does have to be said that per head of population you are FOUR TIMES more likely to be killed by a road traffic accident in the US than in the UK. (2015 figures, US 10.91 deaths per 100,000 population, UK 2.77 deaths per 100,000 population.)
The OP did nothing wrong and was driving correctly.