GCSE results not great ......how do I behave?

[CharlesRiver]

Hi All,

Not sure if this is the best place for this but here goes.

DS’s GCSE results were not great. Mixture of 5’s and 4’s (more 5’s by one). Luckily, he got accepted back into his school (with conditions) to do two of his A level subjects, but has had to change one.

He wouldn’t have been accepted in his other choice of school, so I was really grateful and relieved and so was he. I am absolutely gutted with the results and he’s not so groovy himself. One of the conditions is a retake of one subject - and here’s my dilemma....

How do I behave? Do I go softly softly and let him enjoy the rest of the holiday or do I go gung-ho and ask him to start studying now? Or should watch and see if he takes the initiative?

AIBU for having feelings of embarrassment and feeling like a failure (even though I know he’s got to take some responsibility)?

I cried to a friend earlier today. Is anyone else feeling like me?

This was me last year.....it's good to be supportive in the main. My DS was devastated, crying etc it was awful. I felt dreadful too, mostly for him but a tiny bit of me felt isolated as surrounded by high achievers. Wish this thread had been here back then! A year in, everything is fine but that day will stay with me for a good while.

Some of the replies here are very harsh. I’m a secondary school teacher and OP will have received numerous reports with predicted/ minimum expected grades so will be fully aware of what her son’s capable of. I looked at my class’ grades yesterday and was thrilled by one girl’s 3 and disappointed with another boy’s 6. We can’t pretend that a bunch of 4 and 5s, while an amazing result for the majority of students, is a great set of results for a high achieving student.

if it’s any comfort, I think realising that you’ve messed up a bit at gcse but just scraping through to sixth form is sometimes a better scenario for boys with a tendency to wing it than getting results which leave them thinking they’re going to be able to mess around at Alevel too. I spend so much time trying to persuade bright but lazy boys that just because they pulled off decent gcse results with some last minute cramming doesn’t mean they can do the same for A levels. They always under-perform, under-estimating the level of boring graft required compared to GCSE. Hopefully your son will start sixth form with a more realistic view of what he needs to do to make a success of A levels.

My daughter got 3',she was really disappointed with herself. She has been accepted on the course she applied for, just has to repeat maths and English. She tried her best that all she could do. I'm proud of her no matter what.

I imagine many of the people who are being a bit nasty to you OP, have those MN children with lots of 9s, 8s and 7s. It is difficult to get excited about any results when you expect or need more even if they are, technically, perfectly acceptable results. And it is perfectly normal to feel as if things reflect on you. Plenty of posters on other threads basking in their child's reflected glory , after all!

That said, his results are perfectly competent. I'd still like to know what they are making him resit : I'd bet it's for their data , and not his future.

Just to lighten the thread a little, my own bright but lazy DS3 got CBB at A level rather than the As he expected and needed for his first choice university. Luckily his insurance choice offered him a place, even though he hadn't met their grade requirements. He was disappointed but happy he had a place.

Our usual response to exam results is a family meal out to celebrate. He has now suggested that his results merit a takeaway rather than a full restaurant experience!

Iask, that's just not correct.

A 4 is a standard pass (to be completely pedantic grades 1 - 3 are passes). No school should be 'making' a child resit maths or English if they have a 4. If a child wants to, or needs to for a particular career/HE path, that's up to them.

YABU. He sat an exam he didnt murder anyone. What's to be embarrassed about. U should be embarrassed that how proud u are of him depends on how good he is academically. Tell him it's only an exam and get over it. His pride and self worth is more important. Did he do his best? If he did u cant ask for more and trying to imply his best is not good enough is cruel. If he didnt then help him come up with a study plan for next year or accept he just isnt academically driven. Your his mum. Be his biggest cheer leader and love him/be proud of who he is not how well he passes and exam (mums are there unconditionally).

I got 4 A*, 4 A and 2 B back in my GCSEs. I clearly remember my mother telling me how disappointed she was in me, and if I wanted to do well in A Levels I would have to up my game. The atmosphere was awful at home and initially when I got my results, I was delighted, but felt like a failure soon after. My mum has still never told me she is proud of me (despite all A’s at A Level) and graduating with a 2:1 in Pharmacy.

It hurts so much.

Support your son in any way you can. It’s ok to be disappointed, and if it’s not the grades he was expecting, he will be disappointed too. But this isn’t your issue, they’re his results. Guide him and help him in any way possible.

I got mainly Cs at GCSEs and am now senior in a global law firm. At that age my family were just chuffed I had actually sat any exams.

A levels are better (IMO) because they are no longer studying a bunch of stuff they aren’t interested in.

My son got a couple of A* an A and everything else was middling down to a D for Maths (he’s 19 now, so not long ago).

A level school made him retake maths and he got a solid C (did the lower paper, had to do the higher the first time) taking that off the table by the second term.

He ended up with 3 good A levels and a place at his first choice uni. The less than stellar gcse results have him a kick up the arse.

I would let your son enjoy the last weeks of summer, but give him a talk about how he will need to buckle down fast in the new term, or find himself a different pathway than A levels.

Honestly, if my son had any manual dexterity at all I would’ve encouraged him to learn a trade, scaffolding, potentially! Sadly he’s dyspraxic 🤗

Getting 5s at best does not bode well for A level

My ds got 5's in gsces and has just got AAB in A levels.

Support your DS and tell him you're proud of him! There's so much pressure on young people to do well in their GCSEs, they need to know their parents have their backs.

Your DS did really well. The new style GCSEs are tough. If you put a lot of pressure on him to study, there's a good chance he'll end up giving up as he'll believe that nothing he ever does is good enough (speaking from personal experience here). It's his life, not yours. Support and encourage, but don't put pressure on him.

If he tried his best and got those grades then A level will be a struggle and that won't have a good effect on him overall. Does his school offer any alternatives? Can you take him to your local FE college if it has a better range of courses?

If he was a bit lazy (no judgement, I was way more than a bit lazy!) then he needs to be ready to knuckle down for sixth form.

It’s no wonder some kids end up with shattered self-esteem with parents like you!

That is unnecessarily bitchy isn’t it?
My son is predicted very high grades and if he got 4s and 5s both he and I (and his school) would be disappointed and surprised.
OP hasn’t said what he was predicted or how hard he worked. She also hasn’t said she has told him she’s disappointed/ embarrassed. OP can feel this way and still be supportive and loving towards her son.

Ok, OP, without being harsh... these are HIS grades. Not yours to be embarrassed or upset about. They’re his alone and it’s for him to decide how to tackle the next steps.

You need to stop seeing your son as an extension of you, and start seeing him as a separate human being with his own choices.

He will never forget your reaction and it won’t make him work harder, quite the opposite.

So look to yourself, why do you need him to get the top grades? To show off? To validate you?

He can’t start studying now before he’s even started his a level courses. It won’t make a blind bit if difference to his results if he does, he will only resent you, have a horrible Summer etc. It’s up to him to handle this. He decides how he revises, not you.

Gawd MN is so predictable sometimes...

Honestly for a bright and capable child these are bad/ disappointing results.
It’s stupid to pretend otherwise and all these people having a go at you would be clutching their pearls if darling Imogen dared come home with such crappy results.

At my school he would def have been “invited to leave” and I’d treat it as a close scrap - this should be the wake up call he needs before A levels (which are the ones that really count)

I recommend you sit down and have a calm, supportive proper chat.
He is still young and needs your help. Support him and create routine for him, ensure there is structured time for studying and get him the relevant study materials.
Take a longer term view on this - it’s basically a 2 year long project

There is absolutely nothing wrong with pointing out to your child that hard work reaps rewards and benefits, and that to get what you want you have to put effort in. None. No matter what grade they get

What I do not agree with and object to is embarrassment and disappointment IN them for passing exams.

I can be disappointed FOR my DD, for they are not my grades, not my future and although I feel it is a shame she could have tried harder, she didn’t or couldn’t. She is a bright child and school is no fun walk in the park. I don’t imagine many children who get less than C’s walk out of school feeling completely chuffed with themselves and this is a feeling they will carry around for a while and can really negatively impact how they see themselves and their future. If you tell them they are a disappointment then all you do is open the door to a life of them feeling shit about themselves.

I would rather just hug her, live and learn and move on because I don’t want her to start this chapter feeling like she disappointed her parents. What a horrible way to start a new path

My ds got 5's in gsces and has just got AAB in A levels
Presumably only in English and Maths, if he's completed A Level this year. In 2017 those were the only two subjects to have numerical grades. Did he do Maths and English A Levels?

As others have said, he has passed all of his GCSEs. Ok, so some A level choices require higher grades so aren't an option but he's got in to college! 👍🏻

@Kiwiinkits is right and I’ve had to look at myself and my reaction too.
My son blew it. Did worse than expected and was way overconfident (despite poor mocks) and didn’t do much revising, I got him a tutor in core subjects and still he failed most (he’s getting math looked at as he was borderline).
He goes to a private school and I think he may even have the worst result of the lot. Even other underperforming students passed all of the exams. I’ve had so many ‘I’m so proud of X how did yours do’ and I’m not proud at all. I am crushed and feel he has really let himself down.
It doesn’t change what he’s doing though. He’s going to apprenticeship college in an area he’s quite passionate about.
But I wanted to be proud of him and am struggling. He’s plenty smart enough, I wasn’t expecting anything above a 5 but I can’t believe he did so poorly.

I still remember getting my as level results and getting a D in chemistry. My mum proceeded to tell me that it was a disappointing result and I really needed to work harder next year. I hated her for weeks. She ignored my 3 other results which were BBB and focused solely on 1. I was disappointed of course with the D but I didn't need anyone elses disappointment on top of my own. So please be careful how you handle it.

My child failed every GCSE last year, predicted A*'s to say why would be too outing, but a combination of death and other things.

He scraped on to a course at the local college, thankfully allied tosomething he was looking to do. I picked him up every week from his extended days where he had to do his English and Maths, he passed functional maths this year and will take the GCSE next year yesterday he picked up a B in English. I hugged him and I may have cried a little, then I threw my hands in the air and shook my head. He said, I
know, I know.....

Point being he arrived at it the long way.

When he flunked all his exams last year, there was some screaming and shouting mostly from him and then I took him to a clinic in the college to see what we could salvage.

At no point did I slag him off in public, or on a public forum.

I live in a small town in the HC where there are some mad Alpha Mums, one reported her childs result on FB by saying "we" got.......................

They are your childs results, they are not the devastation we were looking at last year.

Let me say this, meant kindly..

Get over yourself.

It is ridiculous for people to say "those are good results he should be happy" .If he knows that he's got lower than expected then he is allowed to be upset. Op is perfectly allowed to be disappointed for him.

It's a bit like the year after Andy Murray won Wimbledon there would have been great disappointment if he's been knocked out in the semi-finals. If any other British player got through to the second round the press gets very excited. It's about expectations.

I'm sure the OP is not asking to be told the results are great and she needs to appear delighted with them. If he knows he is capable of more then all that will do is make him not trust her when she says "that's great, I'm proud of you" another time.

Op my plan would be give it a week to settle. Don't push to work or anything.
Then find a time to sit down with him and ask his feelings and what his plans are. If he knows (and he may well just shrug and say "dunno") then ask how you can support him.
If he doesn't know (which I suspect will be more likely) then discuss options.
See if you can come up with a plan of action for him. Maybe that you're allowed to nag at him to work on Monday Wednesday and Friday. Or if he works hard during the week he gets a take away on Friday.

Don't over pressurise him to work if he doesn't want to. It won't work. And in our house we have one day a week where except in exceptional situations we don't do academic work. It actually works well because they know that they get a day off where they don't need to think about working.

But when you're telling him to work, don't keep throwing the results back at him. Look at it more positively for the future. So less of "you don't want bad results like you had a GCSEs" and more of "I know you're capable of good A-level results, let's see if you can nail it."

YABU
For using this - and he’s not so groovy himself. Jesus who talks like this?
It’s your son that should be crying 🙄🤣