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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GCSE results not great ......how do I behave?

170 replies

CharlesRiver · 23/08/2019 01:01

Hi All,

Not sure if this is the best place for this but here goes.

DS’s GCSE results were not great. Mixture of 5’s and 4’s (more 5’s by one). Luckily, he got accepted back into his school (with conditions) to do two of his A level subjects, but has had to change one.

He wouldn’t have been accepted in his other choice of school, so I was really grateful and relieved and so was he. I am absolutely gutted with the results and he’s not so groovy himself. One of the conditions is a retake of one subject - and here’s my dilemma....

How do I behave? Do I go softly softly and let him enjoy the rest of the holiday or do I go gung-ho and ask him to start studying now? Or should watch and see if he takes the initiative?

AIBU for having feelings of embarrassment and feeling like a failure (even though I know he’s got to take some responsibility)?

I cried to a friend earlier today. Is anyone else feeling like me?

OP posts:
Medievalist · 23/08/2019 03:56

He did as well as he could

How on earth do you know this Alicewond ? Presumably he didn't or the op wouldn't be struggling with how to behave.

Totally get how you feel op. Presumably some of those subjects he will be taking to A level and a C at GCSE doesn't bode well for A level.

You might get more helpful advice in the education forum. People seem to go on AIBU just to give the posters a good kicking.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 23/08/2019 04:02

So he got mostly the equivalent of a high c/ low b, and c’s and you’re so disappointed that you cried?

You need to give your head a giant wobble. If he was a student who should have achieved 7-9, but didn’t through lack of revision, then that’s a lesson learnt for him and hopefully he’ll work harder at his A levels. But for many kids these would be great results, they’re average, and probably what the majority of kids will receive and they’ll be glad to have passed them all.

Quair · 23/08/2019 05:04

I wouldn't make him start working now. If he is feeling bad about them, I'd wait a few days and then sit down with him and talk about what his plans are to get into a different path going forward.

If he isn't feeling bad, I'd be more worried. The question is not whether other people would be happy to have those grades, it's whether he had done himself justice or not.

Since he's had to change his A level plans slightly, I think that implies that the results are a disappointment.

So I'd let him brood and then ask him to take responsibility for his learning by coming to you with plans for what he'll be doing differently going forward. Or at least ask for help.

ChessIsASport · 23/08/2019 05:18

How you respond depends on whether he reached his potential or not. If he did no work and should have done better, then help him become more disciplined with his study. I find that children grow up a lot from when they take GCSEs to when they take A Levels. So he might surprise you and become more focused without your input.

If he worked hard and did the best he could then just be proud of him.

I can see why you are upset if he was expected to do better. I would be too. Universities look at GCSE grades when they make their offers.

Fuckface7 · 23/08/2019 05:39

Let him enjoy the rest of the summer. I find it's best to take a breather before returning refreshed and in a more positive mindset, having had time to relax. And look on the bright side. Your son's results were actually quite good and won't stop him doing anything he wants to do. Your post sounds like you think he's failed!

Teacher22 · 23/08/2019 05:41

My DS who was clever and got into a grammar school never ever achieved his potential in any exams except the SATs. He didn’t like study ( though he worked hard in lessons) and as far I know never did any homework. His GCSE results were a string of B’s mainly with a couple of top grades and, while his AS results were promising he bodged up his A2; year and all his grades dropped. His sister worked like a maniac and got top grades in every exam she did.

This is typical for boys. My son, other children's sons and the some of the boys I taught were the same.

Don’t worry. When they decide what to do in life they get going and sometimes overtake their swotty peers. My son is doing very well in his job and in local politics and a similar son of a friend is earning oodles in the City.

I am not being sexist. I am a feminist but one cannot help observing human behaviour as a mother and a teacher.

Besides, grade 5 leading to A level study sounds fine. Buy him a card and a present and celebrate.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 23/08/2019 05:55

The people saying give your head a wobble are annoying. Clearly he hasn’t achieved his potential or the Op wouldn’t be disappointed and Cs for an A grade student are not a win and shouldn’t be celebrated. It’s definitely a lesson learned for him but perhaps he needs a little more guidance about priorities/study if that’s been an issue.

I might suggest the rest of the week to lick his wounds in peace and then sit down for a chat and help him to a debrief and a plan. The work has to come from him though so be prepared to guide and for the natural frustrations that will come if he doesn’t take that advice.

Cherrysherbet · 23/08/2019 06:09

AIBU for having feelings of embarrassment and feeling like a failure (even though I know he’s got to take some responsibility)?

Feelings of embarrassment because your Son passed all his exams?? You also feel like a failure??

The only way you are failing is in your duty as his Mum at this point.
Be proud of his achievements, congratulate him, and stop all the pressure.

My son got similar grades yesterday, and I am so happy that he’s going on to the next stage of his life, having enough to get into college. He’s done so well.

You sound ridiculous op. Your poor Son 😔

Cabezona · 23/08/2019 06:24

Realistically he can't start studying yet as he hasn't got his curriculum so it's a stupid suggestion.

Just talk to him about it. See how he feels about the results. If he's happy, let him be happy but encourage him during a levels. If he isn't, encourage him during his a levels.

He has got in to do what he needs and soon no one will give a flying fuck what his GCSEs were.

Newearringsplease · 23/08/2019 06:32

My ds didn't pass a single exam. That was down to him not me. He has to live with that I supported him but he didn't study

Userzzzzz · 23/08/2019 06:34

I guess it depends what he was predicted, whether he tried hard etc as to your approach. For someone predicted 8/9s the results would be disappointing. If he was predicted 4/5s then he’s done as expected and achieved his potential. You’d need to handle it differently depending on how hard he worked, anolity etc.

For some children all 4s would have been amazing. For others. It would be akin to a failure.

jlgsy94 · 23/08/2019 06:35

It's fine to feel disappointed due to having wanted better results for your child, but I bet he worked his socks off, and so I would only encourage you to be supportive of him and not knock him on his efforts.

Tonnerre · 23/08/2019 06:41

What do you think he should start studying now? Surely he needs to wait till he starts the new syllabi?

Tiredemma · 23/08/2019 06:51

My DS2 got results that were not great ( I'm talking 2 x4s for both English subjects, a 1 for maths, 22 science, 2 for geography). He is at a specialist performing arts school though and excelled with his BTEC musical theatre.
He will have to resit his maths in the 6th form. In my pit of stomach I am disappointed but only because I know far too much emphasis is placed on these results and very little on the confident, kind boy who can literally light up a stage when he is on it.

Feel really shit about it. He's not academic at all and significantly struggled with maths. Most of his year group failed maths so I'm not sure if this is some systemic issue at the school he goes to.

adreamofspring · 23/08/2019 07:02

Let him enjoy his summer and build up his confidence for the leap to A-Levels.

Over time - without interrogating - work out why you think he didn’t do as well as expected.

If your DS is disappointed is that because he knows he tried his best and work really hard? Or is it because he regrets his exam prep? Is it because he usually gets better grades? Does he struggle with exam technique? Or put himself under too much pressure on exam day?

It all goes into the mix and learning about yourself, how you work best, and where your strengths lie is way more valuable than As and A*s

pennypineapple · 23/08/2019 07:04

I bet he worked his socks off

Why do you assume this? I doubt much has changed since I was at school 20 years ago, some do kids work their socks off and some just mess around and regret it at exam time.

The OP's response to her DS depends on which category he falls into.

AJPTaylor · 23/08/2019 07:05

There's a whole world of difference between being good in each subject and being able to revise 8 different subjects, sit exams over a month and come out with top grades.
Talk to him, ask what he has learned and support him. Do not allow him to label himself as a failure.

TapasForTwo · 23/08/2019 07:09

If he messed about and did little revision I would tell him you are very pleased that he passed everything but that he now needs to up his game and work harder at A level. Tell him that changing a subject and needing a re-sit have used up his joker card and he is lucky to get into the sixth form and needs to rely on hard work now

I agree with this ^^
He will need to pull his finger out.

If he has been conscientious and worked hard tell him he has fine really well to pass and be supportive of his next steps

If this is the case are A levels the best way forward for him? Maybe he needs to reconsider his options. DD achieved A* in all her A level subjects and still found A levels very difficult.

In terms of now please don’t make him start studying during the holidays. It will only make him feel more of a failure.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 23/08/2019 07:14

I get your point, OP. He got a bunch of grade C equivalents and only you and he know if he worked hard enough. Presumably he had better predicted grades? I used to teach so I do know those a minefield themselves.
A Levels with grade 5s, if that is a true reflection of his ability, will be hard. No sugar coating that.

topcat2014 · 23/08/2019 07:15

It is all relative. I got a 2.2 degree, missed a job opportunity because of it, and finally got over the disappointment in about 20 years..

Yet, of course, for many people any degree is amazing.

Here's hoping the next course goes well. You cannot cry over spilt milk. Why be embarrassed - presumably you are not announcing his results line by line on facebook or something? They are no-one elses business but his.

mumma24 · 23/08/2019 07:17

I would be over the moon if my son got 5’s and 4’s

Bonkersblond · 23/08/2019 07:22

Teacher22 I think I have a carbon copy of your son, thank you for posting, my DS starts final year of Grammar and seems to wing it with very little independent study, his predicted grades are Ok doing what he’s doing now but he could do so much better, evident when he does apply himself, to say I’m worried about the coming year is an understatement and I’m in a quandary about letting DS get on with it and suffer consequences or trying to make him study without piling on the pressure, I’m trying to reach a happy medium so that he reaches his potential so reading your post helps me feel at ease that it will work out in the end.

JuniperOakPark · 23/08/2019 07:23

The fact that you mention he couldn't got into the other sixth form tells me that his aspirations were to achieve 6s or above.

Lots of sixth form entry requirements are 5 GCSEs grade 4 and above which is considered passing. In old money, a C grade.

Some individual subjects can have a specific requirement such as further maths usually requires a grade 7 in maths and at some places an 8. Or sciences require you to get a 6 to continue the subject on to A level.

So I think the embarrassment bit is possibly that your Ds wanted and expected to attend a grammar school sixth form and reading between the lines possibly didn't work as hard as he should have.

This will go one of two ways, either he will pull his socks up, work hard and do better at A level or he will not put effort in and fail out. I agree that maybe BTECs are a better option.

My son got his results yesterday and I know how hard he worked, all the effort he put in and it massively paid off for him. But you can also work your arse off and still be given 4s and 5s.

CodenameVillanelle · 23/08/2019 07:24

Don't make him start studying now Hmm but acknowledge that he didn't fulfil his potential (if that's the case) and ask him how he plans to make sure his A levels are as good as they can be.
For now though just be normal. Don't be angry or disappointed.

Piggywaspushed · 23/08/2019 07:26

Out of interest, given ha has all standard passes at least, what are the school making him resit? There is nothing there that 'legally' requires resitting.

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