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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GCSE results not great ......how do I behave?

170 replies

CharlesRiver · 23/08/2019 01:01

Hi All,

Not sure if this is the best place for this but here goes.

DS’s GCSE results were not great. Mixture of 5’s and 4’s (more 5’s by one). Luckily, he got accepted back into his school (with conditions) to do two of his A level subjects, but has had to change one.

He wouldn’t have been accepted in his other choice of school, so I was really grateful and relieved and so was he. I am absolutely gutted with the results and he’s not so groovy himself. One of the conditions is a retake of one subject - and here’s my dilemma....

How do I behave? Do I go softly softly and let him enjoy the rest of the holiday or do I go gung-ho and ask him to start studying now? Or should watch and see if he takes the initiative?

AIBU for having feelings of embarrassment and feeling like a failure (even though I know he’s got to take some responsibility)?

I cried to a friend earlier today. Is anyone else feeling like me?

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 23/08/2019 07:26

He got a mixture of standard and strong passes which is great! You should be proud of him.

It may be that A-levels are a challenge but then lots of kids find that's the case. If he is staying in at school, it is likely sixth form classes will be small and so he will get lots of support - he should take advantage of this.

When I taught in a 6th form college, my Y12 class (Physics) had 21 students, in my current school, my class varies in size between 4-10 so much smaller meaning more individual attention for students. Class sizes are similar across all subjects.

Idontwanttotalk · 23/08/2019 07:26

What the heck?

Be a mother. Congratulate him on his results and support him in whatever his future plans are. DO NOT ruin his holidays hassling him about studying unless you want to end up with a stressed out child.

You shouldn't be embarrassed. They are your child's results, not yours. Not everyone is academically brilliant. Accept this and do not try to live vicariously through your children. Be more concerned about whether your child is happy and has good mental and physical health.

YABU to cry over this.

username678889 · 23/08/2019 07:31

Not everyone can get 10 A's if they did it would be easy . Yabu if he has done his best then well done . Exam results are not everything be proud. Yes we know someone who has got 10 A's and will probably go onto great things but really have a bit of perspective.

sandgrown · 23/08/2019 07:32

I would have been over the moon with those results. Last year DS got one 4 and all threes. I was very disappointed but remained positive as he was so down. He knew yesterday he needed to pass at least one of his resits, along with Btecs to get on the course he wanted. I cried (with joy) when he told me he passed his English and got distinction stars in the Btecs.

gamerwidow · 23/08/2019 07:38

You leave him alone and let him start again in September. These are his exam results not yours. He has agreed a plan for next year. If he starts to slide next year then have a word to see what’s going on but the kid hasn’t even started back yet. You have no idea how he is going to approach his a levels.
Seriously have a word with yourself, he has failed some exams not murdered someone. You can be disappointed if you think he messed about and didn’t live up to his full potential but feeling ashamed is ridiculous.

museumum · 23/08/2019 07:39

You talk to him is what you do. Does HE feel he did his best? If so are A-levels going to be tough? Is he being realistic about what he can achieve at A level and does that match his aspirations for after?

If HE feels he could have done more then what’s HIS plan for doing so next year?

Whatsername7 · 23/08/2019 07:39

If he passed them with these grades after doing little to no work, despite clearly wanting to do A-levels (some of which require higher grades as a prerequisite) I would suggest you go 'no nonsense'. Especially if you have had conversations with him about putting more effort in over the last two years. If he wants to go to university, he needs to work hard or he won't get in. I wouldn't dwell on his grades, but don't accept any of the excuses for not doing the work going forward. I was head of year 11 last year and had to help a couple of pupils who didnt quite get what they needed yesterday. It was heartbreaking for the ones who had worked their socks off but didn't quite make it. However, for 1 or 2, it was something I had told them would happen for the last two years. I have had them in my office countless times warning them that their natural intelligence will not equal grades and they need to put the effort in. If your son is capable but lazy, now is the time for him to learn from this and put the work in going forward.

HerkyBaby · 23/08/2019 07:41

My son really struggles with academic work and if these were his results I would be over the moon .

gamerwidow · 23/08/2019 07:42

Out of interest, given ha has all standard passes at least, what are the school making him resit? There is nothing there that 'legally' requires resitting
It’s probably a grammar. My DN was deflated to get a mix of B and C’s and her grammar wouldn’t let her sit A Levels because her grades were too poor.
It really buoyed her confidence when all the local schools and colleges bit her arm off to accept her on A Level courses because outside the grammar world these are good results!

PookieDo · 23/08/2019 07:48

He passed them

My DD got 2, 3 and 4’s she was gutted and cried all day. Luckily she got maths and English and college took her on a BTEC. I was kind to her and told her I hoped she would learn about needing to work really hard and that ‘this is the first day of the rest of your life’. I don’t think being angry and disappointed would help any of us, it’s not like the exams can be retaken - what is done is done.

You need to go forward not back

Bobbybobbins · 23/08/2019 07:52

I would go for a middle ground - be supportive and congratulate but also honest that the next two years are going to be really tough without a lot of hard work.

Sugarformyhoney · 23/08/2019 07:54

You need to get a grip op. Your child did really well and passed his exams. Don’t make this about you, just be proud of a really good result for him

Fruityb · 23/08/2019 07:57

English grade boundary has gone up by 8 marks since last summer. It’s hard and has hit pass rates. Some of them would have got a 4 or 5 last year on the same mark but have dropped a grade because exam boards shift the goal posts every single year.

They passed - let them enjoy it.

threemonthstogo · 23/08/2019 07:58

All those having a go at OP need to give their own heads a "wobble" - to quote some lovely PPs. It's all relative. If he's always been a straight A student and/or had higher predicted grades then it's entirely reasonable for OP and her son to be a bit disappointed. You are just looking to give her a kicking and project your own feelings about grades, when it's actually all whether an individual has achieved their potential. Someone who struggles to get Cs would have done very well with these grades, and of course would not be a failure; someone who always exceeds that obviously did fall short of their normal level somehow. The fact that he himself is disappointed suggests that he is in the latter camp.

I agree with some PPs that there is a middle ground - don't give him a hard time but if this is below what he would have expected then see it as a learning opportunity. Whether he worked hard or not is also a factor.

Fairylea · 23/08/2019 08:01

I find the way attitudes have changed really interesting.

My dd collected her GCSE results yesterday. She got one 7, two 6s and the rest mostly 4s, one 3. She was over the moon with them and I fully appreciate they are better than a lot of other peoples. However, a little bit of me was - I admit, although I would NEVER say this to dd and I fully went all “oh wow that’s amazing!” big happy smiles - they seemed quite low results for someone who had been a straight A student predicted all 7+ s. I think the main thing being that I know - and she herself has said- that she barely revised as she found it so boring! So there we go, that’s what we have and she’s able to do her A levels and it’s all good...

But when we were at school everyone was very focused on what grades you go. Everyone wants As and Bs whereas now the whole system is about whether you “passed” all of them as a whole, and a pass is a 4 and that’s all anyone is worried about getting.

I do wonder whether A levels will be a shock to many of those who have scraped through with 4s, but who knows it’s all different now!

Saying that I don’t know how much difference it all makes to anything anyway. I guess it depends what you want to go on to do! I got 10 grade A*s and As and here I am nearly 40 never really having done any high earning career and happiest I’ve ever been was in min wage jobs! Who knows.

LadyPenelope68 · 23/08/2019 08:04

How do you behave????
You congratulate him on passing his bloody GCSE'S and stop being so over dramatic. Jeez! He's passed, ok, not as high as you apparently think he should, but they are still passes. Give the lad a break.

Abracad · 23/08/2019 08:05

Thymeout’s advice is excellent and measured.

batedbreath · 23/08/2019 08:07

I just think this all depends on his starting point. If he was top set, scoring much higher in mocks, much higher predicted grades etc ....then yes, I'd want to get to the bottom of it. Did he suffer with anxiety and exam stress? You must consider that. Or, did he take his foot of the gas....not use a revision plan, carry on partying into the exam season or playing on technology til the wee small hours???? If it's the latter....were YOU a proactive parent OP?
Alternatively if he wasn't a top set kid, was getting similar marks in mocks, met predictions, these grades were a PB, then yes, YABVU or you're in cloud cuckoo land.
There's not point getting the hump and screwing up the rest of the summer. What I would say, is that the step up to A level is very hard. The first year is not a doss. It is hard. I've got teens who got high grades and they both look back and talk of the 'shock' of the step up to A level. If being on tech til late at night, taking it easy, partying during exam season has been part of life til now, I'd make it clear that regime is over. Or, if he doesn't like the sound of that, all sounds a bit too much...consider other options at other colleges. HE has to own his results and future a little I feel. Keep your ego out of it, that's irrelevant.

dottiedodah · 23/08/2019 08:07

I would be inclined to say "well Done" to him and not spoil the holiday .When you get home ,Try to impress upon him that he will need to pull out all the stops at A level .He has done well and still has a place at at his old school.Many Many students will not have passed a single GCSE. Although we are bombarded with all the shiny happy people collecting a clutch of 8 or 9 grades!.We never see those who have no chance of further education /Good Jobs at all!

LadyPenelope68 · 23/08/2019 08:08

Oh and saying you are embarrassed and crying, is frankly ridiculous and pathetic IMO. My son got mainly 4's and 2 6's and I'm bloody proud of him.

x2boys · 23/08/2019 08:10

Why do you feel embarrassed and a failiure? They are not your GCSE results ,I know sometimes on here people only think the top Grades count ,fwiw,my dh daughter came out with mainly C,s and a couple of B,s a and was rightly delighted , couple of years ago and despite what mumsnet would have you believe about not boding well for A levels she's just passed three A levels and got offers from two universities .

ImogenTubbs · 23/08/2019 08:13

Be supportive. I screwed up my A'Levels (including failing one) and remember being terrified telling my mum. She took a deep breath and basically said (along the lines of) congratulations- you've got two A'Levels. I've never forgotten it and it helped my self esteem massively as I went on to bigger and better things.

batedbreath · 23/08/2019 08:14

If it was exam stress, you must explore that with him OP. I've a DD who is a trainee doctor. She suffered with horrific exam stress and hid it from all of us for months and months. There are adjustments that can be made in prep for A level that could make a big difference, so do explore that.

MollyButton · 23/08/2019 08:14

Are these the best grades he could have got? If so celebrate (but are A'levels and academics the best route for him - how committed is he to his subjects).
If he got these with no work/being lazy - they congratulate him but talk about the next stage. Does he really want to do it? Is he going to pull his socks up? Is he doing it because he has no other ideas? Or because he feels you want him to do the GCSE, A'levels, Uni route?

I got 3 Cs and 2 Bs back in the dark ages, and now have 3 degrees, one from Oxbridge.

KB197 · 23/08/2019 08:18

Oh jeez your son passes all his exams so why are you disappointed? The new level system confuses me but that’s B’s and C’s right?

Be proud of the results he got, don’t mourn what he could have had (I assume by your post he was predicted higher?). Cannot change it now so what’s the point dwelling on it?

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