If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

[Farrowandbrawl]

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

Andysbestadventure

Why do you think he wants to escape me?
Ivd pleaded and begged and suggested we split amicably
I’d ask for nothing financially from him
All I want is that it’s an pleasant sensible split in front of kids
He refuses
He will never leave
I cannot leave as he will be a prick

I get you OP.
I am the fat one. Luckily not vvvvvv fat. But it does impact things, no one can deny that.
In your case I don't think it's just about the weight itself. Sounds more like it's the "I don't care about myself" you are not into. And that's understandable too.

maddening

Why would you think I don’t work?
I said I did in my OP

@Winterlife OP is right there are people out there who let themselves get fat just by eating too much and not exercising enough. I’m one of them i enjoyed every moment of my broken leg all 8 weeks of eating lovely goodies and hardly moving putting on two stone.

I dont have any mental health issues that i know of. I just gave up.

However it negatively impacted my life, made me sweaty lethargic and led to a less energetic sex life so I lost it by just eating less and moving more.

Of course you can leave.

@Cyclemad222 they might be more interesting but also so much sweatier and heavier and less fit which is actually a turn off to many!

I think it is perfectly acceptable to not fancy someone if there appearance has dramatically changed.

My DH wouldn't find me attractive if I was fat and I would t expect him to, my DH lost too much weight for my liking and I didn't really find him physically attractive any more, I still loved him, just didn't fancy him.

I find this odd. Your focus on his weight is all about your enjoyment of sex. What about what might be going on underneath to cause this? You keep saying he's just fat and lazy but few people become massively overweight without there being an underlying reason.

Your lack of empathy and the fact you've already begged for an amicable split tends to suggest that something else is going on here and that you don't really even like him.

Falling out of love with someone because they've put on a lot of weight would be shallow and proof that you never truly loved them in the first place imo.

But no longer finding them physically attractive isn't shallow, it's just honest. People can't help what turns them on and off.

If your otherwise normal looking husband came home looking like this, would you still find him physically attractive?

And if the answer is no, does that really make you shallow?

Ginger1982

Lots of things I don’t love
Think is an appalling example for children
Think sitting around all the time is boring
See the way he struggles to put his shoes on as a sign that lll end up looking after him all because he refuses to make any change

Op - you need to find a way to leave, not keep looking for justifications not to leave.

You don't love him, you don't find him fit enough to overlook not loving him to have sex with him. You are miserable with him.

Too many people feel they need a good enough reason to leave a failed relationship, cheating or abuse, but not loving or liking the other person is enough.

It's ok to start making end of relationship plans. If he won't leave nicely, have you seen a solicitor about your options?

You are a high risk of an affair right now - you aren't happy, don't want to be with him, don't feel you have good enough reason to force a split when he won't give you a nice cosy amcable split, (and are sexually frustrated), you would fall for the first bloke who showed you affection and convince yourself you are a Romeo and Juliet, not because you really love the new man, but because he'd be a clear exit route.

Find an exit route that's less messy. You might have to be the bad guy.

Does he say he wants to loose weight and possibly just can't get motivated to.

Could he get a PT and follow a diet plan for a month Or so

@Somersetlady But you didn’t sustain it. That’s the difference.

OP, your subsequent posts suggest weight is not the only issue in your relationship.

DisgruntledGuineaPig

But I cannot disrupt my kids lives
That’s the problem
The only way I could split would be to move out of House
I cannot leave my children

Being honest, if my DH gained a significant amount of weight, I’d still love him, but I can’t be sure I’d still be physically attracted to him - and I’m sure that works both ways.

Likewise. If it makes me shallow, so be it. But my level of attraction does depend on someone's physical appearance. My DP isn't George Clooney but he is slim and fit and that's part of the attraction for me. There are all sorts of other things I love about him, but his appearance is one part of this.

The situation as it is is his choice

If you don’t love or fancy him, that’s fine. No one can make you.

It sounds though like you, and many others on this thread, have no understanding of the complexities around obesity. If you’re 20 stone for example ok it’s your own doing you’ve got like that in the first place, but “eating less and moving more” isn’t as easy as if you’re a stone or 2 overweight, or if your self esteem isn’t completely fucked, and it’s a vicious circle where you self medicate with food, then feel like shit because you did, then eat to stop feeling like shit. It’s a form of addiction really.

Why can’t you leave? Plenty of people manage to leave shitty relationships with kids. It might be worth posting for advice separately about that?

My Exh became morbidly obese and it definitely was a factor in our divorce. Unless you've had a morbidly obese man crushing you during sex and sweating all over you , you've no idea what it's like. I challenge anyone to be turned on by it.

LatteLove

Can’t leave as cannot walk out on my kids
Also I cannot afford to pay for mortgage plus rent
Only way to split would be to sell house / split equity

Farrowandbrawl it sounds like a really unhappy marriage and no one should have to stay in an unhappy marriage. You should not have to end up as his carer and be stuck with him.

Please get help to exit the marriage, if that is what you want.

YADNBU or shallow.

I am overweight, my husband still finds me desirable. He is very fit. I think your thread does have great purpose. You need to find the way to get out and live the life you want. And I hope your thread inspires me to be a better wife for my lovely dh and to look out for my health better! I have quite complex relationship with food, which i am getting help for. But ultimately it is a case of eating too much and moving too little for me. So thank you for sharing how this makes you feel and I wish you all the best.

And so what if others would fancy their hubbies if they doubled in size! You can only be you and you sound just fine.

I’d ask for nothing financially from him
He'd be required by law to pay for his children. It is not a question of anyone asking for anything.

All I want is that it’s an pleasant sensible split in front of kids
Unfortunately, that's not something you can control even if you get on reasonably well with the other person.

I cannot leave as he will be a prick
His weight is not your only problem.

The only way I could split would be to move out of House
I cannot leave my children
Why can't you take them with you? If you left, would he want to look after them on his own?

More than half of all marriages end in divorce. Why can't yours?

LatteLove

Re obesity being complex and issues around addiction ... I cannot understand completely but I acknowledge this may be the case for some
However how would I know?
I’ve not just said ‘lose weight I hate Having sex with yiu’
I’ve tried to be gentle, tried to say it’s fot Heath, for the benefit of the kids . Nothing has any impact although sometimes he would kick start doing exercise and and one pound really lost a lot of weight and looked great, said he felt good... then just stopped trying
I don’t bother saying anything now

My dh has developed a life changing disability through a childhood condition, (when he was 40 onwards) doesn’t make me love him any less or find him less attractive. What shallow relationships you must have

The reasons for his obesity are his problem. If you no longer find him attractive you should divorce and try and find someone with whom you are attracted to. Relationships without sexual attraction can work if that’s what you signed up for from the start, but not in this situation.