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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

505 replies

Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 19:24

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

OP posts:
Cyclemad222 · 22/08/2019 21:34

People with a blanket 'fat people are unattractive' attitude are so unimaginative.

Slim bodies are everywhere on telly/ads etc, they don't hold much mystery. Fat bodies are often more interesting! It's all a matter of confidence.

Personally I'd rather have s fat partner than a scrawny one.

Macca84 · 22/08/2019 21:34

YADNBU

milliefiori · 22/08/2019 21:35

I don't think it's shallow at all. It might be sad and problematic but it's not shallow. You might still adore your partner and remain faithful to them but if they are so overweight, and fat doesn't turn you on, then, you're not turned on. Can't force it!

Also, putting on a lot of weight might indicate other turn offs, such as a partner being lazy or not making an effort to be attractive to you or giving up on themselves and losing motivation. You might have a lot of sympathy for the reasons behind this and still love the but not find them attractive.

Vibiano · 22/08/2019 21:36

Personally I think you have bigger problems than the weight.

ThatCurlyGirl · 22/08/2019 21:39

@milliefiori said exactly what I think, much better than I could - I would feel the same (the same love, but not the same sexual attraction) if a partner suddenly got into doing bodybuilding competitions, it's just not my bag physically.

I don't think it's shallow at all. It might be sad and problematic but it's not shallow. You might still adore your partner and remain faithful to them but if they are so overweight, and fat doesn't turn you on, then, you're not turned on. Can't force it!

IHateUncleJamie · 22/08/2019 21:39

He doesn’t and why would you think anyone else would want to fuck him

This sounds much worse than you not fancying him any more. You sound actually repulsed by everything about him and as if you loathe him, @Farrowandbrawl. In which case 1. I’m not surprised that he’s turned to food and 2. Why do you give a shit what he wants?

People aren’t stupid. He obviously knows you can’t bear him so perhaps he feels that he might as well get comfort from food. You either care about him - in which case go to counselling together to try to find out why he’s eating so much (it’s never a case of pure laziness, there’s a lack of self respect or self care going on) and see if he can get a bit of self esteem back to want to stop overeating.

If you really do loathe him - which from the way you talk about him, it sounds like, then leave him. You can’t have it both ways.

ChippyPickledEggs · 22/08/2019 21:40

God whenever I come onto Mumsnet I always log off wondering if I'm just a terrible person Grin

Kindness and respect are important, yes. Loyalty and humour and all that jazz - I value those too. I don't believe in souls so I'll skip over that bit. But sexual attraction? Physical attraction? It's... physical.

Are there honestly women on here that can say, hand on heart, that their partners looks have nothing whatsoever to do with how much they fancy them? I find that impossible to relate to and impossible to believe. It isn't unreasonable to be less attracted to ones partner if they gain a significant amount of weight. It really isn't.

stopwining · 22/08/2019 21:41

I kinda agree with OP

I don't personally find my DH physically attractive when he's overweight (he yo-yos) however I am always attracted to him because I love him and his personality is amazing. he is only slightly overweight so doesn't affect our sex life in any way.

However, I personally find greediness and laziness very unattractive and a turn off, so in OPs situation it would be that part that made me find him unattractive more than his actual weight iyswim

PooWillyBumBum · 22/08/2019 21:41

I don’t think YABU.

If DH put on LOADS of weight I can imagine struggling to fancy him. If it were meds or an illness, that’s one thing, but if all he did was eat shit and sit on his arse all the time that’d be a bigger turn off than the consequences of that physically and I would probably respect him less too.

If DH became really big I just can’t imagine being desperate to get his clothes off. I would probably want to still be close to him but it would be to make him happy and feel close rather than because he makes me tingle. Imagine it’s hard to know until you’re in the position and it’s all v easy to be high and mighty until your spouse morphs - physically and in personality - into an unrecognisable person.

SomeAfternoonDelight · 22/08/2019 21:41

I’m with you OP.

Kvothe · 22/08/2019 21:42

I don’t find men attractive because of their looks...it’s their personality I’m attracted to.

ems137 · 22/08/2019 21:43

It's not even all about how he looks though is it? It's about how sex has become more difficult, more of a chore and much less enjoyable.

Maybe most people on this thread haven't had sex with a very very overweight man? I can only speak from my own experience and it's not half as good as it was before he put on so much weight. I get crushed when he's on top in most positions so then I have to go on top all the time. He gets hot and sweaty very quickly which is pretty gross and once he gets too hot he loses his erection. It's just not that sexy is it?

Weezol · 22/08/2019 21:43

From your updates he sounds quite unappealing regardless of the weight - I think ReanimatedSGB has pretty much nailed it.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 22/08/2019 21:45

I think when I care /love for someone and it's just a stone or 2 I can over look it (as I'd hope they would for me).If it was 5 or 6 stone then I'd be struggling. You haven't told us how much he has put on OP?

I also think it depends a bit on where you carry the fat. If it's the face then I think that would make it harder but the body is a bit easier to acknowledge it less. I also think it depends if they are trying or don't give a fuck.

However OP I don't think it sounds like you are happy in this relationship not just because of how he has physically changed but it's his attitude and lack of acknowledgement /effort by the sounds of it. Maybe it is time to move on?

Greeborising · 22/08/2019 21:45

I think it shows a lack of respect to let yourself go like that.
I make an effort because
A, I want to feel good about myself
B, I want my husband to find me attractive
C, I want to be healthy
It’s really not unreasonable to look at someone and find them unattractive because they’ve put on shit loads of weight.
Also, maybe op’s DH is feeling a little down with himself?
That’s not attractive either

QuimReaper · 22/08/2019 21:47

I'm sure that in most relationships there's a weight gain buffer where the attraction is more or less unaffected. How much weight that is will differ depending on weight when you met, height, build, etc., and how the person carries it. I think that for it to tip over into seriously off-putting weight gain, it has to be very significant, outside the realms of expected weight gain from age and pregnancy.

TinyMystery · 22/08/2019 21:49

I’d still love DH deeply but I do wonder if I’d be able to find him as sexually attractive if he gained a lot of weight. Also, if he gained a lot of weight through laziness/inactivity of his own choosing, he wouldn’t be the same determined and driven man that I married so there would be other issues at play. What about our shared interests? What is he doing whilst I’m out running/swimming/cycling? Do I have to start hiking on my own?

Hotterthanallheck · 22/08/2019 21:49

I would still love my DH if he became overweight or obese, but I would no longer be sexually attracted to him. And that’s fair enough IMO. I have never been attracted to that body type.

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 21:50

No idea how much he weighs
He wouldn’t either as he never weighs himself
Looking like a tight 42 waist trousers

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 22/08/2019 21:52

DH thinks I will no longer find him atttactive if he becomes bald.

It’s far from the truth. I actually feel my attraction of him grew with my appreciation of him to be less about looks Andrew more about character

Andysbestadventure · 22/08/2019 21:52

After rtft I imagine OP's partner is probably comfort eating his way to an early grave just to fucking escape her 😂

What a horror you are, OP.

I know I'd rather end up fat than have a personality (or lack of) like yours 🤮

Gin96 · 22/08/2019 21:53

What I love about my husband is he doesn’t feel sorry for himself no matter what life throws at him, he keeps trying, he’s not skinny by any means but if he got obese it would be a sign he had given up trying, that is what I would find hard not just the weight. I think that is what he would find hard if I put on weight. I had given up on myself.

maddening · 22/08/2019 21:55

What weight are we actually talking about here?

If your relationship on your part is based purely on sex and you don't find him attractive then that is your reason to leave, however if you are checking out of the relationship then you should have the spine to leave. If you don't work then get a job so you can fund your move.

73Sunglasslover · 22/08/2019 21:56

Being vvvvvv overweight because you eat loads and no exercise... wish I found it a turn on!

That's a very narrow analysis of why people are overweight. Are you just wanting to fat-bash here?

LollyBmummy3 · 22/08/2019 21:57

Not unreasonable, if you feel that way then you either live a lie or do something about it. I would probably feel the same but hubby has stayed slim. He also feels the same and very much expects me to try as I do him. I’m 6lbs heavier than I was 15years ago and I’m working on it. 🍀