If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

[Farrowandbrawl]

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

ravenmum

Cannot uproot kids
One child has autism. Not great with change. Couldn’t just initiate split and take kids to a flat which would be all I could afford. Child with autism v noisy.
We look after kids 50/50 as it is so cannot disrupt their life
Cannot divorce as need to be living separately - which can’t happen

He can't stop you leaving OP, you aren't a hostage. Yes, you might have to sell you house. This has really nothing to do with him being obese. You no longer want to be with him but you are finding it hard to split based on financial/childcare reasons. This is common but it can be done.

Yes, initially your kids lives will be disrupted but they will get over it.

Its part of divorce. It's hard, but don't start hating on all the other fat people out there as if they are part of your problem. They aren't.

Crossposted there, but the issues you mentioned are the same ones everyone has at the start of the path to divorce. Look into the legal aspects, seek advice about what you would be entitled to and what you can make him do...

My exh got fatter and fatter and always claimed he didn't have time for exercise, or to eat healthily. Then he got a mistress and found the time for all kinds of things, including regular trips to the gym. Who knows what your future will bring.

Italiangreyhound

Thanks for your kind words. It actually does really mean a lot .
I know i must sound like such a cunt but I’m not really. I’m pretty nice. I have friends and I’m normal enough. 😔

How fat are we talking? Like, are we talking a bit chubby or can't-find-his-own-dick levels of fat?

Getting older: no choice
Getting ill: no choice
Getting fat: choices.

You can keep feeling attracted to someone getting older and if they gain weight through illness. It's not their fault. If someone takes their foot off the gas and piles on the weight and does nothing about it regardless of the negative effect on their relationship, then it's selfish.

Which is why I'm surprised at the OP being called selfish and/or shallow. He's the one refusing to undo some of the harm here, not her.

Love should be more than the way you look.

Nobody has said otherwise! A lot of people here are conflating love and sexual attraction. Sexual attraction of course can wane in a relationship due to many factors - massive physical change being one of them. No one can help that and it doesn't make them shallow as they are not saying they LOVE the person any less nor want to leave them. It just makes them honest.

And no, I would not expect my partner to find me as physically attractive if I put on a large amount of weight, it's not realistic, I would expect and hope that he would still love me and want to be with me, but that's not the same thing. Obviously if someone balks because you've put on half a stone, that's one thing, but several stone, of course that makes a difference.

I get it, OP. Apart from the fat itself being deeply unattractive to you, his whole attitude is unattractive in itself. Eats crap and drinks too much, doesn't care about his health, doesn't give a shit what you think, can't be arsed to try. He needs some kind of wake up call.

I get it too .
My partner is asking me to quit booze because he feels the same
About that as you do fat ....it's a struggle tho.
Maybe he genuinely struggles to stop eating
I do to stop drinking. I'm not overweight but am an arse and drink too much .

Talk to him op. ? He might need support but actually want what you want too ?

hellen is he a new partner? That sounds like the kind of dealbreaker which would come up on, or even before a first date! If he's suddenly decided that's how he feels, that seems more than a little unfair on you. (Unless you've been teetotal until recently, in which case I guess its analogous to weight gain.)

for you op

I know @Farrowandbrawl , it’s hard.

I’m the fat one here. Husband is still attracted to me (I think!) but you know it’s like anything else. Drink, drugs, whatever...he has to do it for himself. Doing it for someone else won’t work.

I don’t think you’re a cunt at all and tbh when people don’t truly understand about the complexities around obesity it’s not at all a criticism. It’s like when I used to shout at my dad to “just stop smoking” it’s not that simple really x

I hope you manage to find a way to be happy x

Shut up @Justme1234567

justme would
You say the same if he was slowly killing himself with cigs or booze or drugs? Obesity kills . His wife is concerned and turned off - her feelings on that are perfectly valid.
Are you projecting a wee bit there?

Justme when you say “your trash” are you referring to the left overs and rubbish that one places in the bin
Or are you implying that a previous poster is “trash”?
If you are going to be unpleasantly offensive please try to get your grammar right because otherwise you may cause confusion.
Twat

You simply can't help who you find sexually attractive.

I would not find my husband sexually attractive if he was to become obese and I would not expect him to find me sexually attractive if I gained a significant amount of weight either.

I would also be pissed off if he wasn't attempting to do something about a significant weight gain.

I love my husband to bits for who he is as a person but I won't lie and say his looks aren't important to me, they are.

Attraction is either there or it isn't. Love and sexual attraction are two different things.

YANBU OP

Well you clearly are as nasty and shallow as you sound. He can lose his weight however you will always remain shallow nasty and unsupportive.

So fuckface
You are perfectly happy to be crushed under the weight of a very obese man are cos anything less is shallow?

Fuck that.

He tries to lose weight for a few weeks then gives up. He does this to shut you up. He probably can't take the nagging. The more you go on, the more you will push him away. Any love he feels for you is probably chipping away and soon there will be nothing. You are basically reinforcing that he means nothing more to you than a good shag. When that time comes, it will be him walking out, not the other way around. We can't convince you to fancy him. We can't make him lose weight. It is what it is. If you don't like it leave. Divorce and split assets. I am sure there will be someone else you will love him for him.

"Massively overweight with no medical issues purely down to lifestyle choice is a reflection of how much the other person means to you"

What utter nonsense!!

NOBODY chooses to be overweight, it's not good for health, energy or self esteem in our slim obsessed society.

I don't for a SECOND believe this has occurred PURELY because he has consciously decided to gain weight.

There will be a reason why it's happened, but that is really not the point.

You have this utterly narcissistic notion that he's done it to offend you! That its down to a lack of consideration for YOUR needs. That's ridiculous!

People change looks wise a lot over the years, weight gain as we age has a number of causes.

Do YOU still look exactly the same as you did when you first met him? If you've been together even 5 years of course you don't!

This is not just about physical attraction, this is about how you view him as a person - and you seem to think he is selfish, disrespectful and inconsiderate - and THEY have NOTHING to do with weight gain.

"But that’s a temporary thing due to growing a child ...." But you expected him to accept that. Also I have never met anyone who's body is the same after having a child, even if their weight is.

"It’s happening because he eats too much." I have never met ANYONE who gains a significant amount of weight without there being either a physical or mental health reason behind it.

"He gave a shit more before kids but I suspect he knows I don’t want to disrupt kids life’s so he doesn’t have to make any effort now" wow! You really have VERY little respect for him! That is HIGHLY UNLIKELY just due to him gaining weight and if it IS then it's YOU that has a problem with your attitude to overweight people!

LaVieillieHarpie - how old are you? Weight gain is a factor in ageing, metabolism slows as we age and appetite doesn't always correspond plus there is only so much you can reduce how much you eat without it affecting nutrition, plus as we age we are more likely to develop health issues which can also affect weight and/or which mean we need to take medication which can affect weight. You seem incredibly naive, immature and shallow.

Are you expecting YOUR body to not change significantly over time?

"But you're not fat when pg! (Hopefully)" again, not true for everyone, pregnancy affects everyone differently, not only due to size of baby but the effects of hormones, possible health issues caused by pregnancy...

"My best friend is an extremely unhealthy 22 stone and I love her dearly, however he weight makes her unattractive" Jesus! With friends like you...

Her weight may make YOU consider her unattractive, it DOESN'T mean she is unattractive to everyone else! Even within our slim obsessed society there are people who are either not fussed about weight or who actively find overweight people attractive. My brothers best friend is one of these, fit slim bloke himself, married twice and a long term partner before the marriages too - all larger women, that's what he likes.

I've been very slim (size 6-8) and quite overweight (size 18-20) I'm now still medically overweight (size 14-16) having chosen for health reasons to lose weight - at NO time have I ever found it difficult to meet people who found me attractive. And that's men and women.

There have also been of course people who didn't find me attractive - and that has been true at all weights too!

I've dated people of varying weights too, what I found attractive about them varied, but while physical attraction is the initial reaction it's mainly down to personality, I've also met people who I consider physically attractive but upon getting to know their personalities have been put off them.

Attraction for me and I think most people is not JUST about Physical attraction, if it were we'd base our relationship choices on looks alone, dating apps wouldn't even bother having sections for likes/dislikes, hobbies, political interests etc

So so shallow to be turned off purely because someone you claim to love has gained weight!

"OP has told you is overeating and no exercise." Op is telling us - though not realising it themselves - that their partners lifestyle and approach to self care has CHANGED, and not for the better in terms of health, that is absolutely indicative of a likely change in mental health status or even a physical health one that has such subtle symptoms that neither op nor the partner is registering. Though it's also possible the partner has noticed other symptoms and like many do has buried head in sand and hoping it will resolve itself.

A significant change is highly unlikely to occur for NO reason!

"Relationships should be based on so much more than looks. All those saying you just don’t fancy someone x y z might get a shock as you age if your partners trade you in for younger more attractive models" yep! Think a fair few on this thread are in for a rude awakening as they age and lose their own youth and looks.

"Yeah...never suggests doing anything involving any activity unless eating/ cinema/ bowling ie very limited activity
Would love to go on family walks , bike rides ... but all that kind of thing is down to me" but previously DID want to do different activities?

How long have you been together and how recent are the changes?

In what way have you discussed it with him? Accusatory or concerned? Have health reasons been considered by either of you?

What changed in his life around the time this all started?

"If you really do loathe him - which from the way you talk about him, it sounds like, then leave him. You can’t have it both ways." Totally agree with this. It's cruel to stay with someone you don't care for or respect.

42" waist equates to roughly size 18-20 for a woman yes?

"Ivd pleaded and begged and suggested we split amicably
I’d ask for nothing financially from him
All I want is that it’s an pleasant sensible split in front of kids
He refuses
He will never leave
I cannot leave as he will be a prick" clearly there is far more going on here than weight gain!

In what way do you think he would be a prick?

If you're unhappy for whatever reason you don't need his permission to end the relationship, but quite honestly even if he's as uncaring as you claim I'm wondering if you're not simply as bad as each other based on your posts on this thread!

Not good for your kids to be witnessing a "relationship" where both parties no longer care for each other!

I'm also wondering if the focus on sex life is op building up to justifying having an affair. I suspect you already have someone in mind.

Why would splitting necessitate leaving your kids? Is your partner the primary carer? As for money, plenty of people who I suspect are worse off than you seeing as you're apparently a homeowner manage after a split.

I'm smelling a different kind of reverse...I'm beginning to wonder if op is male and their partner female but have deliberately given the opposite impression thinking they'd get more supportive responses, knowing they'd likely get an even tougher response if this is the case.

Yea yea yea, I know it's POSSIBLE for men to be sahd and women breadwinners etc but in reality the majority of the time it's the reverse AND its men that tend to focus on sex and physical attractiveness in a relationship too. Also the lack of understanding/appreciation of there being reasons beyond "lazy and greedy" for weight gain, post at thu 2242 of how op claims to have raised the issue makes me think op is a man too.

"You should not have to end up as his carer and be stuck with him." What a strange comment! Most couples in long term relationships should realistically expect that one or the other is likely to need to be a carer for the other as they both age, people rarely die in old age having been in perfect health until then!

"However how would I know?" Good grief! If you really know your partner so little and so uninterested in their health the relationship really is over!

And you have a child with additional needs? Many parents with children with extra challenges find their mental health suffers, that's pretty common, yet you apparently haven't even considered that a possibility?

Yea, something stinks here!

In addition the sex of the overweight person is relevant in terms of possible physical health reasons for the weight gain. Women's bodies even outside of gynae side of things respond differently to some conditions that affect both sexes.