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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

505 replies

Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 19:24

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

OP posts:
Somersetlady · 22/08/2019 21:10

I fancy my husband and we have a regular intimate relationship for the 20 years we have been together both when fit and slightly fatter. 7 pregnancies and some operations mean my own weight has gone up and down!

But I get what you mean nothing looks (or feels) as good as when he's training for a race and very fit!

The same goes for me and i certainly feel better when fit and training. The sex is definitely better when you are lighter as some positions are much easier to get into and sustain!

Waveysnail · 22/08/2019 21:11

If you love them you find something that still attracts you. Dh has amazing blue eyes and is super tall, he looks sexy in a shirt wothnlovely aftershave. I love those about him. His kindness makes him sexy.

JacquesHammer · 22/08/2019 21:11

Why do you think he wants this
He does not want to split
He does not want to be with anyone else
He wants us to be together

Does it matter?

If you don’t find him attractive to the point where it’s affecting your sex life and that is an important issue for you, then you can leave him.

You don’t have to stay married.

ravenmum · 22/08/2019 21:11

And you? What do you want? From what you are saying, you think he's not losing weight because he doesn't care about you. Do you want to be with someone who neglects your feelings?

Have you told him how you feel?

slithytove · 22/08/2019 21:11

I would not expect my partner to find me as desirable physically if I had significant changes, whether that be weight gain or loss, hair changes, etc etc. Doesn’t mean I would expect him to stop loving me.

For instance I find beards repulsive and an active turn off. I would find it very hard to be sexually attracted to someone with a beard. However if DH grew one I would still love him then shave it off in his sleep

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 21:12

WorraLiberty

Hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
Luckybe40 · 22/08/2019 21:12

They don’t OP, they don’t find them as attractive. Rightly or wrongly partners are not as attractive when they are carrying a shit ton of extra weight. Most men are smart enough to never EVER admit it though... I’m with you. Although in real life I’m the opposite, I gained 4 stone and saw the passion drop from our bed. Didn’t blame him, felt bad but I got it. I’ve lost weight and things are better now.

Gin96 · 22/08/2019 21:12

If you’re with someone over many years you both change, wrinkles, saggy bits but to get obese, unless there is a medical problem, the other person doesn’t care about their health or themselves anymore, whether your male or female, i’m not talking about being a bit plump, i’m talking about being abese, they have given up on themselves, which is more upsetting than the actual weight.

slithytove · 22/08/2019 21:18

I also think part of it is equality - you meet and are hopefully mutually attracted, you age together, retain your standards, even though you are both more wrinkled etc hopefully you have maintained that attraction.

It’s when one person singlehandedly changes the goalposts as OP describes. And usually pregnancy wouldn’t fall into that category, it’s a joint decision and brings with it it’s own, different levels of attraction.

Curious2468 · 22/08/2019 21:18

I don’t find old people attractive but I will find my husband attractive still as he ages. I don’t find fat attractive but don’t fancy my husband any less with the weight he has put on. I don’t fancy people with grey hair but our ageing bodies aren’t making me fancy my husband any less. I’ve put on a lot of weight through mobility issues, medication and a hormone issue. My husband says he still fancies me and it doesn’t seem to be having a negative impact on our sex life so I’m inclined to believe him.

Relationships should be based on so much more than looks. All those saying you just don’t fancy someone x y z might get a shock as you age if your partners trade you in for younger more attractive models

WestBerlin · 22/08/2019 21:18

Hmmm. I would still love my husband if he gained a lot of weight, but I can’t say I would be sexually attracted to him. I wouldn’t expect him to be sexually attracted to me either if the situation were reversed. I work in the fitness industry as a PT, so a healthy lifestyle and physical fitness are qualities I’m attracted to. I also, for me, like to make the effort not just for my job but for my relationship, and I know my husband does the same.

It’s shallow insofar as that’s often the nature of sexual attraction.

Nothingcomesforfree · 22/08/2019 21:19

I agree with Worraliberty to a certain extent.
However the dynamics of a relationship aren’t that simple. Losing weight is common to many break ups just because you have so much more on your mind than food.
Emotional eating is an easy crutch to cover up cracks in a relationship.

Once the relationship goes, everything goes. Sleep,food, whatever.

Waveysnail · 22/08/2019 21:20

Is weight the only issue? You seem to use the word lazy quite a bit. Does he not want to do family stuff? Does he not want to be out and about? Does he pull his weight at home? Is he still dressing how he used to and maintaining good hygiene?

Someone can be obese but still take care of themselves in looks department

Jezebel101 · 22/08/2019 21:20

You can love someone but still lose attraction if they let themselves go. If he wouldn't be attracted to someone who stopped putting in any effort to look attractive for their partner, then he shouldn't be surprised if his wife feels the same.

Lots of people like their partners even with substantial weight gain, but if obesity is unattractive to someone then it's not unreasonable. She didn't say she stopped loving him, she said she wasn't attracted since he gained weight. That's not shallow, it's just how she's wired for attraction.

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 21:20

LaVieilleHarpie

Yes absolutely. MN Sees women not wanting to be having uncomfortable sex due to partner being so fat needs to set him freeeeeeeeeeee

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 22/08/2019 21:21

I wonder if your unhappiness and resentment is less to do with his actual body shape/size and more to do with his attitude and behaviour towards you. Is he generally behaving in selfish lazy ways? Does he expect you to do all, or nearly all, of the domestic work and childcare? Does he rarely or never do anything nice for you - listen when you want to talk, make you a cup of tea, join you in planning a fun day out for the family? If he is basically treating you as a servant he can stick his dick in, and spending most of his time sitting on the sofa feeding his face then it's not just about fatness is it?

HepzibahGreen · 22/08/2019 21:22

I don't know. I guess it depends on why you fancied them in the first place. For us, we are both a little heavier than when we met. It maybe helps that we are also both from cultures that don't fetishise skinny. I know that he fancies me with a bit of extra boob and thigh just as much as when I was slimmer, and for me, the things that drew me were his eyes, his voice, his laugh, his spirit, his touch.
Look, all cats are alike in the dark, but the essence that makes a person is sexy or it isn't. I intend to grow old with this man, god willing, and he might go bald, go lame, get ill, but so might we all. If you can't see a way that you could still find your partner attractive when they are overweight then you can't and thats the end but it's a sad thing in a lifetime relationship.

BrendasUmbrella · 22/08/2019 21:22

I had an underlying health problem when I was nearly 250lbs. But I still made the choice to put the crisps and the cakes into my mouth. Very few people can get fat on salad, it's almost impossible. I had to accept that having so little energy I could barely stand wasn't an excuse to turn to junk food. And I wouldn't have expected anyone to want to shag me, I looked gross. And I wouldn't have wanted anyone else who was that size, because I'm well aware there would be baggage and issues. Lazy obese people are simply not attractive, and if the OP says her DH is sedentary and overeats, well, I think she possibly has a more informed opinion than the rest of us.

Ironically the most effective way to get him to shape up would be by leaving him. He'd probably do it then to spite you/try and attract a girlfriend.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 22/08/2019 21:23

My partner is heavy atm, he is really tall so carries it well - but he is close to 18 stone at 6ft 5. I am still just as sexually attracted to him, but when I see him naked, no, i don’t find his big tummy attractive at all. I think the sexual chemistry we have over-rides that visual, if that makes sense? He’s a grazer/mindless snacker, and we have had a chat about it and agreed that at the end of the summer - after a few big social things - he’s going to try and make some changes because he realises his weight’s not great health-wise.

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 21:25

ReanimatedSGB

Yeah...never suggests doing anything involving any activity unless eating/ cinema/ bowling ie very limited activity
Would love to go on family walks , bike rides ... but all that kind of thing is down to me

OP posts:
Vibiano · 22/08/2019 21:27

It only matters how you feel OP.
If you feel that the reason he is fat is because he doesn't give a shit then tell him if he doesn't do something about it you will end it.
Or just end it.
You can if you want to.
Some people on this thread have agreed with you, some have not. So what? Do you need MN to help you justify your feelings?
Have you had a conversation with him in real life about his weight gain and how he feels about it? Are you correct about the reasons for the weight gain? Would he say it's because he doesn't care what you think?

Chesneyhawkes1 · 22/08/2019 21:28

If my husband put on loads of weight I wouldn't find him attractive anymore.

I'm not physically attracted to overweight people. That's not to say I wouldn't still love him.

FireBloodAndIce · 22/08/2019 21:31

Depends on the relationship and situation.

My dh has gained a fair amount, now lost it. I still fancied a shag and snog. However my bf a decade of so ago i broke up with. The weight was but one issue, he also stopped being as hygienic clothes and body wise. Big turn off.

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 21:31

Vibiano

Yeah had conversations ... he knows my feelings
Says he’s going to lose weight
Does for s few weeks
Then just can’t be arsed
If though my lifestyle was going to mean my kids life was uprooted I’d do anything to make the change
But I am probably to weak to do anything which he knows

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 22/08/2019 21:33

Is it not that if you don’t fancy fat people... you just don’t fancy them?

Hate to say it, but I’m completely with the OP here.

Is it shallow to base an entire relationship of many years purely on the basis of what your partner looks like and/or if there’s sexual attraction there? Yes, it probably is. If the person does matter and it’s all about the body. But - ultimately - can you control to whom you feel attracted? I don’t think you can; it’s more animalistic than that. So I agree. If you don’t find fat attractive, then you don’t. It is what it is....

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