If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

[Farrowandbrawl]

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

(Five years later, he has bought a hugely expensive bike and cycles to work. He is now a total fitness snob.)

I was never slim. Nor overweight. But I am now. Dh was always overweight. I didn't care. I find him as attractive as I did!

My DH has put on a few stone since we met but he's not massively obese so I still find him attractive,

I'm a stone and a half heavier and I'm not happy so am probably less attractive to him as I'm not as body confident as I once was.

I've started running and we are both planning on doing Michael Moseley fast800

You didn't understand my point at all, I was saying that people are being disingenuous when they say that it's not the actual weight they find unattractive, but the underlying attitude of neglect

I am pointing out that that is most likely not true, because other forms of neglect of one's health would not be equally a turn off, so you wouldn't stop being attracted to your partner because he didn't go to the GP regularly

about cancer, well, why is it so different though? we know cancer is caused by a variety of genetic and environmental factors, some of the environmental factors are lifestyle related (smoking is an obvious example), obesity is exactly the same, a variety of genetic and environmental factors some of which are lifestyle related

but if I said I was not attracted to my DH because he had developed cancer I'd be (rightly) slaughtered, but if I say I am turned off by him because he developed obesity, well, then that's just fine because fat people are lazy, greedy, gluttons, have let themselves go, and are huffing, puffing, sweaty and repulsive (just quoting from this thread)

but then we need to be able to say that being fat is bad, right? well, I can't see many people holding back their judgement on here

being fat would be horrific in this society, people despise you and feel virtuous while doing it, at the same time they have very little understanding of the causes of obesity, just horrible

my god, so many fat shaming and fat hating stereotypes here!

No, I don't think that's true.

Speaking for myself (because I can only speak for myself), I do not engage in fat shaming at all. Be thin, be fat, be somewhere in between: it's none of my business. Just as what I find attractive in a man is not yours.

really? so saying that somebody is lazy, greedy, a glutton and repulsive because they are overweight is not fat shaming and prejudiced?

I am not saying you have to find fat people attractive, up to you who you sleep with, but the assumptions made here are profoundly ignorant and offensive

IHateUncleJamie

I’d love to know if there are underlying reasons
But how will I know unless he told me
As it is all I can see is that he’s overweight because he eats loads and drivks loads and doesn’t do any exercise.
There are no health issues I know of

really? so saying that somebody is lazy, greedy, a glutton and repulsive because they are overweight is not fat shaming and prejudiced?

I can't see a general theme running through the thread that all overweight people are lazy, greedy or gluttonous.

The OP has suggested that her partner's weight gain is down to laziness. I have no reason to disbelieve her. But that, in my opinion, does not equate to fat shaming (hate the phrase by the way).

Also, I never said that I didn't find fat people attractive. You've merely inferred that. I said that what I do find attractive is not your (generic, not you specifically) business.

I agree that loving someone and finding someone attractive are 2 different things.

I think that health issues getting in the way are a valid reason for weight gain.

Strong relationships can see past weight gain though.

However, I got with my partner because we both liked to take care of our bodies and we both liked the gym. I like my partner to take care of himself.

For me, it's health that is important. I would entirely resent someone not exercising and over eating because in the end that will most likely lead to early death, disease and illness. Which will rest on my shoulders to look after them later on in life. I would really resent that.

how will I know unless he told me
You have told us what you think the reasons are. Did he tell you those reasons, or did you work it out without his help?

ravenmum

The only reasons he’s given are:
He likes his food. Doesn’t like fruit / veg/ fish and prefers either burger chips / pasta / Tex mex meals. Enjoys cooking which leads to nibbles in the kitchen whilst drinking
Enjoys drinking. Likes a beer . Likes a wine . Doesn’t like the taste of water .
And re exercise says he enjoys it when he gets into it but life / stuff gets in the way so it goes by the wayside
I’m not sure what part of this indicates depression/ sexual abuse survival/ mental health / underlying medical conditions that so many seem to think it must be

OP asked if SWBU to no longer be attracted to her DH as he is overweight. She spoke about him in negative irritated way.
She had majority answers saying well yes SWBU, that is shallow, as attraction to your long term partner is usually far more than just physical. (Not the same as first stages of dating someone when you barely know them)

The rest of the debates are other PPs justifying why they might be equally shallow and 'who they are attracted to is their business'! Sure of course, ... but in a long marriage/relationship usually it is hoped that the relationship and love for each other is built in more than physical.

Now had OP said she is struggling with her DH being lazy, putting everything onto her and not lifting a finger around the house (which isn't true in this case from what OP wrote earlier), she might have had as more mixed response between is he depressed (as depressed people can look happy on outside but lose interest in everything & feel overwhelmed on inside), or is he abdicating responsibility?

If my partner put on a significant amount of weight and stopped exercising I wouldn't "fancy" him as much. The same would be true in reverse. My partner needs to exercise for his mental health as much as physical health. He gets super grumpy and down otherwise so it would definitely effect our relationship.
I'd also fancy him less if he lost a significant amount of weight if I'm being totally honest.

I'd still love him and he would still have his beautiful blue eyes and dimples so I'd still find him pretty attractive.

I do think if someone isn't caring for themselves it can be a reflection of their ability to care for those they love.

Again these are just my opinions, not facts, but I'm entitled to have an opinion on what I personally find attractive and what I don't. That isn't at all me saying bigger people aren't attractive.

I'd also stop fancying him if he started waxing his eyebrows or dying his hair or had a load of tattoo's. Just personal preference

But I guess we can spot those PPs that are more likely to fall in the 50% of marriages that end in divorce subset. If physical attractiveness is disproportionately affecting love for their partner, even if just for one partner, then it's a relationship built on shaky ground, sands that could shift either way.

I feel a bit ick having read OP's views and that of some other PPs.

WillLokireturn

You honestly think it’s ‘ick’ wanting to have sex with someone who doesn’t squash me ?
Jesus . I should just accept it ?
Or else have a married with NO SEX
I’m not even 40 ffs

I love my husband so deeply, but if he became obese, I wouldn't find him attractive anymore and I can't imagine wanting to have sex with him. I wouldn't divorce him and I'd still love him (I love him for who he is, not what he looks like), but I wouldn't find him attractive anymore.
If that makes me shallow, then I'm shallow and I'm ok with that.

MauritiusNex

Yes, it's there, you are right, maybe I should have reported, it's so common though to say these things about obese people, because people assume it is because they eat too much and are too lazy to exercise, it's the calories in/calories out myth I am afraid

and I agree with you we should be able to discuss the health implications of obesity, but it is very hard in this climate, who'd want to open themselves to this characterisation?

read some overweight people's descriptions of themselves, it is heartbreaking, they use terrible language, that they have obviously internalised, even on here, some people saying they are overweight and understand why nobody will find them attractive, others I have seen elsewhere describing themselves as worthless lumps of fat, gross, revolting, unlovable, repulsive, it's just awful

you say people have to accept it is unhealthy, well, first of all, not all overweight people are metabolically unhealthy, and some thin people can be, in general, the negative health effects of obesity are well known

what is not understood at all is causes of obesity, and what people will not accept is that dieting doesn't work for the majority of people in the long run, this is part of my work, so I now the statistics unfortunately

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace

you should instead doubt her affirmation that it is down to laziness, obesity really almost never is, and this myth is hugely damaging for people who suffer from it, have you looked at the lengths people will go to to lose weight? extreme dieting, fasting, bariatric surgery? thousands of pounds on meal substitutes, and programs? public humiliation on shows like the biggest loser? laziness? maybe for people who are a little overweight because they have cut down on the exercise and had a few take aways, not for obesity

The disordered eating and issues around food can themselves be the problem! I’m nor sure if you’re wilfully being obtuse or genuinely not getting that!

@Farrowandbrawl
I'm finding most of how you talk about your husband, is rather unpleasant , like he's a piece of meat rather than your partner, father of your child and friend as well as love. There's just little love or kindness in how you describe him. So yup, gives me the 'ick'.

You started an aibu and most pp said yabu.... And that there was an issue with your relationship. However you are where you are and who you are, so you can feel how you want to feel. No one has said that you can't, but it is awfully shallow.

Sometimes it really is just about feeling it's ok to let yourself go and being complacent that the person you're with will just put up with it .

It's not always an underlying issue .

I've gained a couple of stone since I was 30. I'm now almost 50. I'm a slightly dumpy size 14 but I got to a point I couldn't be arsed.
Now I'm about to tackle it because it's not healthy, and I drink to many calories. My partner has expressed unhappiness with my daily drinking and I know he is more attracted to slimmer me . So I'm going to get into gear and lose a stone , quit boozy evenings . For both of us .

I'm not sure what part of this indicates depression/sexual abuse survival/mental health / underlying medical conditions that so many seem to think it must be
It doesn't. That position seems to be the default on mumsnet when it comes to obesity, but a lot of people just enjoy eating and drinking a little bit too much (and it's often part of socialising, so double whammy) and can't be arsed to push themselves into serious exercising, or get out of the way of walking anywhere. Like I've noticed a lot of people think that a mile is a long walk when it's literally nothing to me.
I was obese for the above reasons, until I decided that I didn't want to be fat any more, and I was the only person who could change that, and equally, no one else could stop me from losing weight either.
Some people have mentioned smoking, well I was a heavy, seriously addicted smoker (the kind who lights up as soon as they wake up) , quitting for good was way more difficult than losing weight for me, but you have to decide you want to do it and stick to it.

I often find it’s ugly skinny people like Katie Hopkins that are so nasty about fat people. Like I get it, you’re skinny and hideously ugly, that’s all you have is your thinness.

Of course obesity can just be overeating. I'm a prime example of that, HOWEVER I've been overweight all my life, mum never cooked healthy meals and portion sizes we're massive so I was always bigger, and that has carried on in my adult life and I really struggle to correct it (also now I'm battling MH issues and use food as a crutch).

My point is though, usually passive obesity is usually a lifetime thing, people don't suddenly just decide to lose their will for life and binge. This is a new thing, you are (no offence) deep in the drudgery of marriage and kids, battling one with additional needs, are you really that ignorant to think there might not be mental health issues at play here? Things like a good job and a nice house mean nothing. And just because he tells you nothing is wrong doesn't mean there isn't anything wrong. He might not even be aware, but I can understand it is frustrating if he is unwilling to consider speaking to a councillor / doctor.

You do also seem full of hatred for your partner and I bet that he is picking up on this loss of love, and I'm sure your children are picking up on the tension too.

You say you can't leave because it will disrupt your children's lives, but living in a household where mum hates dad will be disrupting them too. Especially as time goes on your bile and anger towards your partner will grow and grow. Another excuse is he wont sell the house. Force the sale then? Or is there always going to be an excuse?

It is important to me that my husband looks after himself. He has a habit of overeating and not moving sometimes. Other times he will be at the gym three times a week and running regularly. I find him very unappealing when he is in overeating and not moving mode. The laziness and lack of control does turn me on. His body doesn't really change shape much, just his stomach gets bigger, but the issue is his attitude and laziness.