If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

[Farrowandbrawl]

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

Is it not that if you don’t fancy fat people... you just don’t fancy them?

Contrary to what seems to be popular opinion, I agree with you and I don't think it's shallow.

The popular suggestion on here (and out there: it's not just confined to MN) is that I shouldn't consider the following when contemplating a partner partner:

• looks
• height
• weight
• ethnicity
• career
• financial status
• health status

So basically I should be prepared to go out on an initial date with anyone who asks? Really?

The fact he chooses not to lose it is because he doesn’t want to , which is a reflection of how much importance he puts on my enjoyment of sex

And the fact that you think everything revolves around you and your pleasure is a reflection of how selfish and entitled you are. Why is your enjoyment of sex more important than his enjoyment of his lifestyle? You're asking him to make huge changes to the way he lives and enjoys life. Not everyone can face the daily of stress of life watching every calorie and obsessing over the gym (which is what he'd have to do to lose a lot of weight and probably he'd have to do that for the rest of his life to keep it off). I wouldn't want to force that on anyone I loved, personally.

I think sexual attraction is about more than what people look like. I've been with my DP for 17 years and during that time his pot-belly has grown, his hairline has receded and he's gone completely grey. I still fancy him because I love him and his personality and his smile is still the same.

FFS who gives a shit whether the OP is male or female?

Oh come on worra! You know fine well it would make a massive difference to many of the responses!

Not least as the couple have children and the weight gain, if the sexes are the reverse to what's being claimed, could well be at least partly due to pregnancy and adjusting to the changes that has on a body!

There are also medical conditions that affect women that can cause weight gain that don't affect men or affect them differently.

Are you REALLY saying if it turns out the partner is a woman who gave birth less than 6 months ago posters wouldn't have very different opinions on the matter? Don't be ridiculous!

It's not about choosing a new partner though is it? Some PPs are deliberately obtuse.

They fell in love years ago, built a life and DCs together.
It's that she (or he) cannot see past her partner putting some weight on and his/her attraction to them is based on physical only- clearly very shallow.

The other factors haven't changed nor her respect grown, that they do equal childcare (indicating a good parent) and other aspects that come from building life together. Nope "s/he's fat, I'm slim, ...." OP isn't interested in talking to his/her partner, update aren't sounding concerned, or supportive, but irritated - s/he says they are simply "lazy ... and eat and drink too much... "
OP asked , it happens that 'yabu and are shallow', was majority answer

Are you REALLY saying if it turns out the partner is a woman who gave birth less than 6 months ago posters wouldn't have very different opinions on the matter? Don't be ridiculous!

And now you're bringing giving birth into your weird super-sleuthing

Look, whether the OP is male or female, they don't fancy their partner because they eat far too much and they don't exercise enough.

Also, did you miss this by the OP?

Body changes due to pregnancy..it’s part of having kids
Being vvvvvv overweight because you eat loads and no exercise...wish I found it a turn on!

I agree with you OP. In fact I don't think we can expect our partners to continue finding us attractive on any grounds. People are entitled to their own feelings and we can't force our partners to carry on being attracted (or being in love generally) for any reason, as hard as that is.
As far as being attracted to men goes I do like men that are chunky, rugby player kind of build, but when it goes beyond that I really get turned off. I don't generally consider obesity to be attractive, and that includes myself. I used to be obese and I did not like the way I looked, especially when naked.
Of course you might still love your partner emotionally, but if the physical side is very important to you then that might not be enough.

If my husband was obese I'm pretty sure I wouldn't find him attractive. Ditto the other way around.

I’ve suggested counselling. He won’t go. Says he’s happy and that any counsellor would just tell me I’m wrong

This reminds me so much of my dad, who despite being fairly obviously a depressed alcoholic, is convinced he's fine. I think he's too afraid to face whatever is making him unhappy enough to drink.

I'm not sure what benefit is to be gained from second guessing the OP's sex. I like the feeling of strength I get from exercise, although I'm female. In fact it's one of the things about exercising that I find very empowering - that sense of my own body and its strength.

OP maybe start a thread in relationships that talks not just about your DH's weight but more about your relationship in general and how unhappy you are. You might get more advice and less mud slinging.

You might get more advice and less mud slinging.

Not if the OP makes it all about her and says things like nobody else would want to fuck her OH, she won’t.

I don't see why it is shallow to no longer find someone attractive because they have changed their appearance in a drastic way. You can still love them but not find them physically appealing.
But tbh I think it is less to do with his weight as his general attitude toward life. You want to be outside doing things. He wants to sit and do nothing. You want 2 different things from life. He doesn't want to go on bike rides.
Oh and I use the word strong to describe how I feel after exercise. I am a woman. I dont think that the use of a word provides a n analysis of their sex.

I can see how a partner being lazy and unmotivated would be really unnatractive. I find people who never want to move off the couch quite depressing. There usually is an underlying reason behind compulsive behaviour of any kind.
I guess if he won't change his unhealthy habits you can't make him but you can support and encourage. Positive reinforcement is more helpful than negative.
As pp have pointed out though, either the husband is nice and relaxed and happy as Larry with his work life balance etc OR he is living in a situation where his wife hates sex with him and wants to divorce..?
Op have you actually even said directly "I'm not happy and I want to divorce? " If do what's the response? A flat no?
That seems really strange if so.
If you are not happy you don't really need a reason to split, although tbh you seem a bit ..robotic in your OP, like you can't empathise, or think outside of your own needs very easily. Or perhaps you just don't want to because at heart you just don't love him anymore. Only you can know this.
Either way you absolutely can divorce just like 50% of the population does. Perhaps when you are both single he will feel better about things and actually get healthier!

my god, so many fat shaming and fat hating stereotypes here!

"greedy, lazy, let himself go, I am just worried about health, it's the neglect I find unattractive, it's repulsive"

how many would stop being attracted to their partners because they failed to have prostate cancer testing and never saw their GP? that's neglecting one's health , too, no?

and I swear to God, if I hear one more person say "it's just about ingesting fewer calories then you burn, simples!" with an idiotic, smug, look on their faces, I might throttle them!

read a little bit about obesity, about metabolic syndrome, about insulin resistance, about the utter failure of most calorie restriction diets in the long run, about the social and psychological determinants of obesity, too, it's a very complex problem, and for many people a real challenge

One of the many things we agree about is that sex appeal is situated between the ears. I don’t even notice what my husband looks like any more. He still makes me laugh - biggest aphrodisiac in the world - and we talk about anything and everything. His body’s just the shell that carries him about.

Another poster - think it might have been Ravensmum made an interesting point earlier.

Men (and I'm sure women too) can coast along like this for years, being overweight and inactive despite their partners finding it a turn off and asking them to make changes. Then suddenly a new person arrives on the scene that turns their heads and they're doing it! They're down the gym, they're eating less crap, they're buying new clothes and making an effort.

You see it all the time on the 'I suspect my partner of an affair' threads. Posters ask: Have they lost weight? Are they making more of an effort with their appearance? The fact is, people can and will make changes when they are motivated to. If your long term partners unhappiness and lack of attraction is not enough of a motivating factor then that says something in and of itself, I think.

No one says people 'comfort' drink or 'comfort' smoke

The phrase might not exist, but people definitely use alcohol/tobacco as an emotional crutch in the same way as people use food

OP, isn't it boring for you constantly having to defend yourself against accusations of being a horrible person because you don't like him?
Who's making the accusations? Him? Other people? The little voice in your ear? Or why are you looking for confirmation that it's OK not to like him and doesn't make you a bad person?

For the record I’m definitely female
I do feel strong when I workout?!? Not sure why MN seem to think this is a male attribute
Maybe it’s because I work FT do the gardening ( because he won’t get off sofa)
Do car stuff as stuff like tyre pressure involves bending down , if it goes to garage invokes walking back and walking there to pick up
Ffs . I wish I was wired like most women on MN who get turned on with need for visual. To those that get it / thank you xx

And yes I’ve had the conversation...
Perhaps you could lose some weight and then you could go with kids to tree top climb activities ( he’s too heavy to take part) I fucking hate highs. Child with autism loves this more than anything
Him - so you want me to eat nothing?!

Obese people seem to expect sympathy

Do they? I certainly don’t. What’s your basis for saying this?

I don’t expect sympathy I know I am responsible for myself, but I certainly don’t expect to be labelled stupid, unattractive and lazy.

MauritiusNext Fri 23-Aug-19 11:24:35
'how many would stop being attracted to their partners because they failed to have prostate cancer testing and never saw their GP? that's neglecting one's health , too, no?'

No it isn't, please don't compare obesity to cancer.

I have every sympathy for people who live unhealthily. Smokers, those that drink to excess and those that overeat. There are many reasons why people live unhealthily, but it's a fact that in the same way people are encouraged to stop smoking and limit alcohol consumption that obese people must address their overeating.

^^ this. Please don't compare obesity to getting cancer. It's not the same thing at all.

I don't think YABU OP, but I have a slightly different take on things perhaps as I'm a recovering alcoholic. If I'd posted back in my drinking days saying that my partner didn't find me attractive any more because my face was bloated, red, I was sweaty, stank of booze and all the hundreds of other outward signs of the state I was in, everyone would have told me that fair enough he didn't find me attractive and to sort myself the f**k out. I don't really see how this is any different - food like drink can be an addictive substance and it's easy to lose your way. Overeating to the level your DP is doing - to the detriment of his health and relationships - is something he needs to address in the same way as others have to address their addictions to get well. You've tried to raise the subject with him, he refuses counselling and just won't deal with it. What do people expect you to do?

Ah ok @MauritiusNext, I agree

Just be honest, @Farrowandbrawl. You don’t seem to want to hear reasons why he is overeating and doesn’t want to do much. If you only want people to say YANBU and just want to rant, please just say so.

If your long term partners unhappiness and lack of attraction is not enough of a motivating factor then that says something in and of itself, I think.
In my case, I wasn't unhappy about my exh's physical appearance, so that wouldn't have been a motivation for my ex. But there were plenty of other possible motivations for him to lose weight. He had been very sporty as a young man; he didn't like the way he looked (avoided being photographed), and we had talked about the possible health issues. But he felt stuck in a rut and couldn't imagine himself getting out of it. I suggested he could cycle to work, for instance; he said he couldn't get there sweaty and needed the car once there. Whatever I said, he was negative about it because he no longer valued my opinion. It took an outsider coming in, someone he wanted to impress, with fresh opinions that he still valued, to get him in a new frame of mind.