If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

[Farrowandbrawl]

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

You sound so trapped. I would imagine he feels trapped too. I think people have been horrid to you on here. A tight 42 inch waist in men’s trousers is not the equivalent of a woman at size 18. It is pretty fat.
I am sure you are nice, you do seem a bit literal. If you never have been fat, then I’m sure this thread has educated you on the psychological complexities.
I don’t think it’s your job to help him lose weight. But knowing your weight threatens your marriage and family life, and seeing your wife disengage from you is pretty scary, and that means that right now he probably feels paralysed and unhappy.
I wonder if you could talk to him about wanting to build intimacy and connected ness as a family, rather than focussing on his weight as a barrier to those things. Maybe suggest counselling.
You say you avoid any active activities, but maybe they are what you need. Could you begin some regular family activities, a walk in the park, or a Sunday morning . Ask him to help you in the garden.
I hope it doesn’t sound simplistic, but sometimes we have to find a way back to basics, and you sound too me like you still love and respect your husband, but blame him for spoiling every thing by getting fat.But if he’s lonely and full of self loathing he will struggle.and marriage breakups very rarely rest on a single issue.

If you don't love him anymore and don't want to be with him then you need to do something about it.
You can end the relationship if you want to. You should seek legal advice. As you have a child who you are a carer for I think your options may be better than you think and he will have to pay to support his kids. Stop hiding behind all these obstacles. Life is too short to be miserable, a happy mum is better for the kids.
Sort it out with him or call it a day.
And I agree with a pp that weight is not a reflection of how the person feels about their partner. You are projecting that.
He's not eating cake because he hates you.

It can ruin a relationship.
We've grown fat and wrinkly together over thirty years, but I know that for some people it is a real problem and can cause break ups if one partner ends up obese or has serious health worries from being overweight etc.

It is not necessarily even comfort eating - at a certain age, all you have to do is keep eating the same food you have done since childhood, and stop doing any exercise - a few years of that and you'll be big enough to feel uncomfortable about starting to exercise again, even if you do work up the energy.

I'm slim and do exercise, but when I am feeling a bit down, or old, or under the weather, I don't really want to go out. I hope that I won't "let myself go", and will keep exercising as long as I can, but I'm not so sure of myself that I would criticise others for getting unfit.

I lost attraction for my stbxh when he became overweight and his belly got in the way. I felt like a bitch about it but couldn't change how I felt. Turns out it was a symptom of the much deeper problem of him being an utter bastard, and my physical attraction died long before he became overweight really.

I think the issue is more about his lack of effort which transcends into disrespect for you.
I had an ex who repeatedly questioned my weight. I was s!I'm at the time and put a lot of effort into keeping fit a d looking good.
He commented on my appearance a lot. If I ever told him to stop he would deny doing it. Yet the moment I mentioned his appearance to show him how annoying it was he got all defensive. He put on weight throughout our relationship but I was still expected to find him attractive yet the moment I reached for a biscuit he would comment negatively.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is he changed physically but expected me to put in lots of effort to look good.
We split and begged me to stay, thank God I left.

You've had some very harsh replies here op. I get you. I am a yo yo with my weight, I put up 3 stone and I know dh was starting to find me less attractive, I lost it and more (for me), he has put up weight, not loads, but enough for me to say it to him, now I still found him attractive because as I say it wasn't loads. But I know hand on heart if he piled on more just though eating, drinking, not moving I would not find him attractive, if that continued over time I can totally see how the issue would become something that could ruin a marriage. I think this is a sensitive issue and there is a lot of protection and protesting on this thread.

3dogs2cats

I’ve suggested counselling. He won’t go. Says he’s happy and that any counsellor would just tell me I’m wrong .
I want to do activities. It’s him that doesn’t.
And I’d love to not do all the gardening, mowing weeding etc. I’d love a hand with it. But again as it involves a bit of physical effort.. he’s not going to.

There is LOADS of projection in this thread, especially graphista

Vibiano

And my only option to leave would be to move out.
He will not agree to sell the house.

Get legal advice. You have made up your mind it's impossible.

I assume if you split, you can force a sale of your property.

Graphista
I'm smelling a different kind of reverse...I'm beginning to wonder if op is male and their partner female but have deliberately given the opposite impression thinking they'd get more supportive responses, knowing they'd likely get an even tougher response if this is the case.

I agree with you, some of the OP's subsequent comments lead me to think this is a man too.

I would hate to be in such a shallow relationship.

I’ve gained three stone since meeting my DH. In that time I have had two traumatic missed miscarriages and subsequently became quite depressed. We have also had a baby who I have been breastfeeding for the past 9 months.

Thank fuck my DH hasn’t divorced me because I’m carrying a bit of extra weight now . He has gained a bit of weight too FWIW, I still love him and find him attractive.

Oh dear. If he refuses counselling and then insists he is happy that is a problem. All you can do is tell him that you are not happy, and that however much he stonewalls, you will eventually find a way to separate, unless he makes a sincere attempt to reconnect through counselling.
Honestly though, he doesn’t sound happy, sounds like he’s hanging on for dear life.
Because you will, I couldn’t stay in such a stuck situation, I’d be changing the locks!

Love and sexual attraction are two different things.
DP gained a lot of weight I still loved him I was still attracted to him, sex was a little awkward I am less than half his weight, he has since lost most of it and looks gorgeous, it helps he is tall and dark he can get away with extra weight.

I couldn’t stay in such a stuck situation, I’d be changing the locks!

You can’t just bloody randomly change the locks to somebody’s house because! If he was abusive fair enough but not just because he won’t leave!

@Winterlife no but i could have chosen to. In fact ive been 3.5 stone heavier at my heaviest.

I know it’s bad for my body my life and my children so although giving up and letting things go for a while is a luxury it’s not a long term choice for me.

It's a bit of a moot point really because you can't control what you find attractive.

I still find my DH attractive despite the weight he's put on, but that's probably partly because he carries it very well, and also I'm very much blinded by love. He could go through pretty much any physical changes and I think I would still see the man I love in there, and that hugely shapes his attractiveness to me.

But this is just my own personal experience. I don't control those feelings, it's just how I'm wired. If your partner has put weight on and as a consequence of that you aren't attracted to them anymore than I don't think you should be made to feel badly about that. You can't help it. There may be an argument for lying about it in order to be supportive of them if they are suffering from low self-esteem, but I'm not sure if that's a good road to go down. Relationships need honesty.

Gluttony and a lack of self-discipline around food is so common in the west. Clearly, the poor DH here does want to lose weight...has tried in the past, and noone wants to be obese, but it seems OP has underestimated how challenging that is. instead of focussing on leaving, as that seems to be a tougher challenge, OP I suggest you work with your DH and plan a sensible strategy to lose weight and make the changes required to make you both happier.

i think throwing a marriage away because one partner had let themselves go is extreme though. For better and for worse and all that.

@cookingonwine you do realise you’re talking about an actual person, do you? Your shallowness and nasty attitude is not what I want to see when I’m eating my breakfast.

@Farrowandbrawl Not sure if you saw my earlier post but I’ll say again, this isn’t just about his weight, you obviously really dislike him as a person and he obviously knows that. I suspect that’s why he doesn’t want to do things with you. You have made his eating all about you, how it’s disrespectful to you, how he should be taking your needs into account, how he should be attractive so you will deign to have sex with him.

If I thought my DH found me repulsive and really disliked me as a person, or that he was only staying because he couldn’t afford to leave, I would probably withdraw into myself and turn to food more and more. It becomes a vicious circle. I certainly wouldn’t want to do activities with him. Can you really not see this?

"However
He’s got a decent job, lots of time off ( usually when kids at school so time for himself)
I work so he’s not sole responsibility for finances
I do most house: car admin
I do most gardening
Probably equal cleaning
We have family support to certain extent
No major health issues
I have tired so hard to make him happy
I honestly don’t know what more he wants"

Yep I reckon op is a bloke!

The focus here on work/money, "probably" equal cleaning 5th on the list, re "no major health issues" are you a dr? It's entirely possible your partner has a health issue that you're either denying (having a good job etc is meaningless regarding mh issues, not how it works at all) or you're unaware of (there are many conditions where weight gain is a symptom).

"because it feels amazing after and feeling fit and strong is great" yep man! "Strong" also the focus on exercise for weight loss.

"I agree with you, some of the OP's subsequent comments lead me to think this is a man too." Yep!

"Autism also runs in families perhaps he has some autistic traits himself, that make it harder for him in daily life" good point. And if as I suspect the partner is actually a woman, I'm no expert in the field but I understand it presents differently in females and is often missed?

Luckybe40 I don't think you understand how projection works, or the difference between projection and simply speaking from personal experience.

Yup. Every woman knows men believe they contribute equally to housework, but don’t.

YANBU OP. People might hate to acknowledge this but sexual attraction is not a politically correct emotion, you either fancy someone or you don't. If we could force ourselves to be attracted to someone by sheer force of will then life would be very different.

It doesn't mean that you don't love your partner, it's just that their appearance no longer turns you on and in the case of obesity may be a bit off putting. How you handle this matters very much of course, it's obviously very hurtful to think that your partner doesn't find you sexually attractive so tact and discretion (the better part of valour etc..) is necessary of course. That said, if the weight gain was not connected to a health condition but just through bad habits then I would be (gently) honest with my partner about it. Apart from anything else it would be hard to keep faking sexual attraction.

FFS who gives a shit whether the OP is male or female?