A MIL and a dog one......

[MilDog]

I know how much MN like to MIL bash and how divided the opinion on DDogs can be, so I'm steeling myself.....

Background on MIL:
Absolutely lovely woman who I love to bits and she's like a second mum to me.

I can count on 1 hand the number of disagreements we've had over the 20 odd years DH and I have been together. But, for all we get on, we are different personalities and have very different views on life.

Her only downside is that she can be very opinionated and the kind of person who doesn't take well to people disagreeing with her opinion. If I'm brutally honest, the reason there have probably been so few disagreements is because DH and I know when to pick our battles.

Background on DDog:
DDog is a year old and an absolute baby. I am not kidding on this, every morning he needs a cuddle when we get up before breakfast.

He is a big softie and I've seen him stand there and do nothing when other dogs have been snarling and snapping at him. That said, he is a heavy set muscular breed and weighing in at almost 30kg he could do serious damage to another dog or person if he chose to.

DC is 12 and they are best mates. DDog takes more notice of DC than me or DH, he literally has him at a word.

The situation:
A few weeks ago I was out walking DDog and a child (maybe 9/10?) was riding a scooter on the pavement towards us. Despite me having DDog on a short leash walking at heel and trying to keep us both to one side of the pavement, the child rode flat out into us hitting DDog, running over his foot making DDog yelp (I'm fairly sure it was deliberate, no reason otherwise as there was plenty of room and he could've slowed down to pass us).

No drama, but I did have a word with the child and told him to be a bit more careful in future.

A couple of days later same child went to do the same thing again, except this time DDog saw him coming and immediately started growling and snarling at him. I asked the child to stay back until we had passed as clearly DDog was frightened but the child ignored me, got off his scooter, walked straight towards us and put his hands out to try and stroke DDog, who at this point was still snarling and growling and baring his teeth!!

I ended up walking into the road to move DDog away from the situation.

It upset me because as I said, he's usually such a big softie especially with children and he's been around other children since the first incident and hadn't reacted at all. I contacted our dog walker (who is a behaviourist) and had a chat with her, she re-assured me it was a pure fear response but still we've arranged for her to do some sessions with me and DDog to try and get him over this fear and help me distract him and keep him calm if we are ever in a similar situation.

The MIL/DDog problem:
DH and I are supposed to be going to an event this weekend that means we'll be out from around 6pm to 11.30pm (but only 20 minutes from home). DC is quite happy to stay home (lots of family and friends within 10 minutes of our house if needed in an emergency), we've arranged to have him a takeaway delivered from our local place (where the owners know him and us) and dog walker is coming to take DDog out between 7pm and 8pm, after which DDog will do his usually sleep on the sofa and refuse to move.

But MIL has decided that DDog can no longer be trusted around DC and is coming round to sit with him.

Now, normally I couldn't get too worked up over this and this is a perfect example of where I would usually smile and nod and just let her crack on.

However, she is bringing DN with her as she is babysitting for the night. DN is younger than DC and a bit of a handful and DC has said he doesn't want DN here. I think he feels like his "grown up evening" is being ruined and he's a bit gutted.

My second issue with is that DN is not too keen on DDog, not full on fear but nervous because of DDogs size and having not been around dogs very much. DDog can get very boisterous when we have visitors (think of a toddler who's been fed 1kg of sweets) so he goes in his crate - I don't really want him locked in his crate most of the evening while DH and I aren't here!!

My AIBU dilemma:

1. Do DH and I put our foot down and tell MIL she is not to come round with DN, which will probably cause an unholy row and potentially could make life difficult for a while.

2. Smile and let her crack on to keep the peace - and also maybe I am BU leaving DC13 alone with DDog??

For full disclosure, we didn't actually tell MIL about our plans, no reason other that it just hasn't come up but she asked DC about it and it's him she's told she's coming round - she had t actually said anything to us (which I suspect is because she knows we'll push back....,)

What the hell do we do and are DH and I BU????

But that's why it's all so subjective, isn't it? What we're comfortable with, as parents, what we know our children can thrive and cope with, what our animals are like? We're all a composite of our life experiences. . . .

We're all different!

That’s great mbosnz but mine wouldn’t have reacted like that especially if they were on their own as the OPs son will be.

@BertrandRussell yes I could. Yes I was tested and no, I'm nit your niece or your dog.

If your GS had become aggressive for whatever reason or decided it fancied a piece of the cat across the road you would not have been able to control it!

For the record he was actually shit scared of cats, but no. However, this is a dog at home in the evening, not rampaging through the streets. Presumably because the OP,has arranged for the dog walker to walk the dog she has already mitigated against this happening. My point is that when children grow up with a dog, they do tend to know that dog better. We can spend all evening coming up with scenarios of when I may not have been able to control a dog nearly 40 years ago, but it's not really useful here and now.

I’m not talking about the OPs son and dog.

absolutely would not let her bring the DN over.

My dogs are fantastic with kids at a distance... they do not like children running over/at them. Nor do they like them in their house (they run and hide). Therefore i remove the dogs from the situation if i know there are kids coming round.
they are incredible with "their" human (child!) thats the difference.

You know your dog OP, aslong as your son is sensible I see no issue with him alone.
But i absolutely wouldnt allowthe DN over

This thread has gone totally haywire.

At the end of the day, the OP has arranged for a dog walker to come in and walk the dog, both her and her DH (and presumably, her DC) are comfortable with DC being home alone for 5 hours with DDog, DC has plenty of people he can call in an emergency, including MIL if she is that worried.

OP, hope through all the chaos you've decided what to do 😁

Haven’t RTFT but growling is a normal and good reaction as it means the dog is asking for space, which should be respected.

A dog that growls, snarls or even nips in response to pain is not a dangerous dog, especially if they give a warning first.

My dog nipped a man (didn’t break the skin) who intentionally kicked him and stood on his tail whilst in public. He reported our dog to the police, but witnesses had also reported the man and he ended up in trouble, not us. The police met my dog and realised he wasn’t aggressive at all, just a normal dog (with a badly damaged tail )

I may be wrong but having RTFT I don't think anyone has referred to a "Rottweiler" or a "Staffordshire bull terrier".

All the Ddogs of those breeds seem to be called "Rotties" or "Staffies".

That does make them sound cuter, I suppose.

Any reason for not using the full name of the breeds?

Abbreviation for quicker typing, I guess.

Like Ddog...

Ah. I've got that wrong, haven't I?

Weighing in as somebody that works with dogs:

Your dogs reaction was fear based and would have been magnified if the child had the scooter with them again. A dog growling, and even air snapping, is a clear "go away". It is a healthy means of communication when other signals (lip licking, yawning, looking away; all likely to have been missed by the child if given) has been ignored. It did not bite.

I wouldn't think this dog is now a danger yo all children, however, I would never leave a child alone with a dog at any age. Regardless of how much I trusted the dog.

I think your MIL and DN coming over may make the dog substantially more bouncy, which could result in your MIL getting in a flap and the dog getting pushed over threshold, resulting in hyper behaviour which could be wrongly perceived as aggression (nipping at clothes to say 'hi, play with me!').

If it were me, I would arrange a different sitter to avoid an argument of asking DN not to come round.

Any reason for not using the full name of the breeds?

SBT is a mouthful. I either type SBT, staffy, or staff. Rottweiler isn't that long IMO.

Rottweiler isn't that long IMO.

I don't think so either.

People have managed to type "greyhounds" upthread without fainting from exhaustion. And that's the same number of letters as Rottweiler. I suppose they could be called "Grey-ies".

I do see the point about Staffordshire bull terriers. That is jolly long. Your suggestion of SBT is quicker to type than "staffie" and seems a better idea to me.

Tell mil no. As for the dog a child hurt it on purpose and after you told that child stay away he still walked over towards the dog. Lets look at it this way your out a walk someone on a bike drives towards you and you move the same person still drives over your foot. Two days later you see him again are you going to smile and wave. No. The posted has said shes taking the dog for lessons. Ops dc has a relationship with the dog im sure if op thought the dog would turn on her dc she wouldnt leave them alone. Also mil wants to bring a small child whos scared of dogs to a house with a dog. Some one needs to have a word with her

Some of these replies are amusing me, especially the ones around having a large rabid dog to scare away the axe murderers

FWIW I live in a REALLY quiet boring place in the UK where in all honesty, I can leave my front door unlocked and go out for the day

DH has spoken to MIL and she's agreed not to bring DN round. She said she "may still pop in to check on DC" (which means she will) but as she's not bringing DN I know she won't hang around all evening as she won't leave him with FIL for too long. DH said FIL told her she was being daft and rolled his eyes at her

As you can tell by the username I'm more a dog person than a human person!

Many of the instances we read about is with really young children which dogs are not always sure about (to them it's just something moving around which they like to inspect) also it's from dogs who have not been brought up well with instances in the past where they have been vicious with poor training. This dog sounds like it's well looked after and very much part of the family. I too would be more than happy to leave an older child around it. I have 2 dogs myself aswell as a toddler. Wouldn't leave them together for safety reasons due to my dd being so young. In fact when she ran into my staffie this morning to say hello I walked in after her and she was poking his eye... him looking sad at me but in no means agressive!
So if you trust your son and dog will be ok you need to tell you mil this. Any dog would react how the OP dog would. I'm sure if a child ran over my toes I'm sure I'd tell him to stay away if I saw him again!!

We have a small "cute" type breed of dog.

We Let him lick our faces (well, chins) Lots of closeness. Soft as anything. You can take his toys and bone from him without him reacting. Very placid.

He's 5. We've had him since pup.

2 months ago he was eating a twig. So husband went to get it off him (in case he choked on it. Had to do this many times in the past)

He bit my husband without warning. Not enough to cause much injury. But drew blood etc.

We never ever ever thought he'd bite us

I would give it a few more months to make sure the dog is over what happened with that other kid. Just incase be reacts defensively to something when he's alone with your kid.

“ I assumed because of the OP’s insistence that he is big and powerful......”

Yeah, but she put a weight... and it’s not that large, well to me anyway - I currently have a collie as a foster dog and I keep calling him tiny because he’s much smaller than I’m used to...

Snarling at some little arsehole child who ran over his foot doesn't mean he's dangerous!

Tell MIL to bugger off.

And for the record, I've got a 6 month old an 8 year old Staffy who is a flump with legs. I'd trust him more around my baby than 99% of people. If he could change her bum and make her bottles he'd be a live in nanny.

Snarling at some little arsehole child who ran over his foot doesn't mean he's dangerous!

Maybe, but the snarling and baring teeth the next time he saw the boy is worrying. People seem to be ignoring that fact.

No it isn’t!!

He was telling the child to back off as he remembered being hurt by him!

You know your dc and ddog best, if you are happy say no.
Big dogs often have a better temperament.
People play fight with dogs in a whole irresponsible way then are shocked when the dog bites. A dog behaves as its treated.

If you've known a dog it's whole life and there is do health problems then you should have a good understanding of what to do

the snarling and baring teeth the next time he saw the boy is worrying

In the exact same situation as one in which he was previously hurt, the dog reacted to prevent getting hurt again.

I kind of think you’re on a wind-up, NoSauce, as you should surely understand by now!

Dogs are hurt by something, or scared by something, they react to prevent that happening again, by using their warning signals - barking, growling, baring teeth. Maybe a dog was once hurt by a man wearing a hat. So in future when they see a man wearing a hat they bark and growl. They’re not dangerous unless the men in hats don’t heed their clear “back off I’m scared” warnings. They’re not reactive at all to men NOT wearing hats. Same-same with scooter boy and OP’s DS.

I think the dog was more than reasonable to give the ill-bred, uncontrolled, untrained, and clearly vicious child a clear warning to back the hell off or he'd rip him a new one.

My Border Terrier pulled my niece over when she was about that age because for the first time in her life she decided she wanted to chase a squirrel. My fault completely - but niece was still flat on her face in the mud

I very much doubt there will be squirrels running free in OP's home for the dog to chase 🤔🙄😏

Say no because your child was looking forward to an evening of chilling out.
And be honest about the fact that the kids don't get on in this particular age range.
Its not fair to the dog to be with children or adults who treat him badly while he is suffering from fear and stress..
Once your dog has recovered then you can teach people how he needs to be treated.